With my desperation to get out of my current domesticated life I created a fantasy world. I reunited with a high school crush of mine via email. Soon we were texting and talking on the phone, in secret of course. This stimulating exchange of words filled a space in my life that I mistakenly thought he was the only one who could. As we took our cliché walk down memory lane I began to try to match my ideals with the ones that he possessed. Just one child, money to spare, and eventually I even thought I wanted a life without religion-boundaries. I had come undone. I stopped praying, I thought how could I go to God who was undoubtedly disappointed with my choices, when I wasn't in the least repentant. In fact the conversations were the only thing keeping me alive. I looked forward to my afternoon escapes-hours of humor with someone who knew me well, who I had history with and who was able to make me forget about the daunting, overwhelming, depressing life I had developed for myself.
Lying by omission was causing me to have physical side effects. I was often dizzy and had stomach aches, my appetite disappeared, I was unable to concentrate on much of anything excluding myself and I believe my countenance lost it's usual glow. I felt the aliments building and knew if I just stopped talking to my flame I would instantly feel better but I couldn't break free of this addiction.
I knew if I told Troy he would shut it down and rightfully so. He would force me to give up my phone, stop blogging, delete my Facebook account trying to keep me away from temptation. Trying to fight the battle for me. I needed to do it myself. So for a few months I kept my dirty little secret. Only my mother knew the depth of my involvement and my attempts to self destruct. I had no idea of how it would end. Finally my friend responded to my unraveling pleas for help and direction with some wise words-ultimately saving myself from becoming a divorcee. He made a metaphor that struck me with my own epiphany. He related my fantasy to a box. A box of memorabilia that you may think you can't possibly get rid of and put it in the attic for just in case, for some day. That box most likely will sit and it's contents may fade and doubtless collect dust. He said if you don't use those items packed away after years of taking up space why not have thrown the box away in the first place? All they really are are memories. That was when it hit me. He is just a past boyfriend, just a memory from high school. His recent words and time were not meant to be spent on me. He and I needed to be with our spouses bettering our real lives. This fantasy was just a mix of could've, should've, would'ves that ultimately weren't ever meant to be. It was a huge waste of time. I had fallen so far behind in my real life. My kids had been neglected- left to watch TV all day and eat candy, cereal and chicken nuggets. I had shirked most of my responsibilities. I was a closet addict.
After I threw the box away, the memories remained and I had to push them to the back of the shelf and put lots of books and what not in front of them to hide them from view. I have been successful at leaving them there out of sight, out of mind. I met with my counselor who unveiled the truth that one of the things I craved and found in this other man was-ironically- pure honesty. My amazing husband often chooses what will best make me happy, squelching his own ideas. I have proclaimed, "I feel like I don't know you" for lack of conversation or the truth behind his expressions or lack of expression even. In identifying this missing component our marriage has improved dramatically. I look forward to any disagreements because finally Troy has found it within him to say what he is really feeling. It is of such value to communicate honestly with the person you have the potential to become one with. And in hearing him out I have learned to trust what he is saying is true not just what he thinks I want to hear. It has brought us closer than I imagined anything could.
As I'm continuing on my journey to find strength to face the "harsh reality" of my life I am simultaneously acknowledging my weaknesses. I made a list of the things that are absolutes to me. I know that one of the reasons I fear my kids is the words they say to me or even just the tone of voice they use. I'm learning that kids are just trying to survive and that means that they are innately and normal to behave selfishly in this phase of their lives and that I can not take it personally. I have had to work on the art of not joining with them in tantrums.
Being honest with my husband and myself has had phenomenal results in the mystifying world of communication. I obviously take the approach of complete transparency, I believe it is the only way we can begin to understand one another. How many terrible things have happened in this world as a result of failed communication?
This entry was the most difficult to hit post- fo sho. You may feel awkward around me or even want to avoid me from now on. You may think I'm incredibly selfish (a weakness I am very aware of) and be baffled at why the hell Troy chooses to stay with me every day. That is fine with me. I am convinced we all have demons and most of us try to bury them as deep as humanly possible but for some of us bringing them to the surface truly is the only way to ultimately free ourselves of them.
I am anxious about embarking on this 90 day journey with Troy (who I will be tightly clinging to for the next three months-he's done this before) but I expect to see a big change in myself. As I get through the grueling boot camp workouts every morning I know I will gain the confidence to attack each day with my children. And that I will come to believe that I can do it without vices, secrets and regret. I may not be strong today but I have the potential to become better every day. I need to- for myself, my husband and my kids. I hate feeling inadequate, less than, terrible, hopeless. I look forward to sharing with you my successes as I gain control of the chaos.
