Taking risks in life can give you heartache. I remember when we were losing our house in the spring of 2010-I couldn't put my finger on it but came to realize my heart was breaking. We had memories in that beautiful house we had built. We were leaving friends-schools-everything was about to change. We didn't have much of a choice just like in a relationship that is ending despite your efforts. Sometimes things don't work out how we want them to-no matter what.
However, what would life be like if we tried to make each day predictable-routine? What if when the carpet was worn and needed replacing we put the exact same in its place? What if we never tried a different paint color or style of underwear? What if we never questioned who we are-why we believe what we do? What if we were so afraid of heartache that we never put our heart out there?
I'm back at what seems the story of my life-questioning my beliefs-standards-rituals. (You must be thinking-damn this girl is crazy. Interestingly those who are closest to me-myself included-find that's what they love about me most.) I've taken this farther than ever before. Said that before. Not sure if I'm being pushed by pain or pulled by possibilities. Most likely a little of both-no matter-it threatens heartache. I feel trapped-by my faith and my responsibility as a parent whose children mimic my actions and also my beliefs. I've received heavenly guidance that I get to figure this one out-that I can take my time-that I have time. That last phrase you have time is so relevant to me because I am so deficient in the virtue of patience. I tend to want to sprint when I am competing in a marathon.
Sometimes the God given gift of agency-choice-seems like a joke. Born into a religious family-by default you are a descendant of those traditions. Your only choice is to leave-but it isn't that easy. However, those born without a predominant religion may seek their own truth-eventually choosing for themselves alone-making a more educated decision-one that is personal-divine. Either way your heart must be there.
If I had been told of the heartache of having so many children we may have been more trepidous in our decisions to have "one" more-in which Troy claims he had no choice-whatever. Of course we love them all and can't imagine life without any one of them-I take that back-I can imagine life with less children I just don't know who I would throw back.
It's funny how we make choices we think we can handle-like the before described parenthood. Or trying drugs just once-driving under the influence that's when you're the most attentive right?-having conversations with someone other than your spouse-working full time and being the mom-get married before you are even legal-going to school full time and being the mom. These are all things we think we can handle-some of us can and others won't figure it out without trying and failing. I know I tend to do what I want no matter what other people say-I have determination. That also gets me in a place where I need rescuing on occasion.
The trick is to find the humility to be saved-to admit I stepped over the line-broke through the boundaries-lost control a little. The other option is to keep pushing right on through-some may call it stubborn-this is what you have to do to be completely independent of anyone-you have to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone-then relationships and opportunities are lost. But that's the beauty of life everyone gets to choose and the consequences will come.
"A man without a vision of his future, always returns to his past"
So I looked up at my all knowing shower head and proclaimed-today is the first day of the rest of my life. I didn't get a response-good thing time is on my side. I don't know where I want to go-what I want to be. Free-sucessful-happy. Now show me how to get there. I am looking-searching-praying.
I need to decide what is most worth fighting for and come up with a plan to obtain it. I will stumble and I may not ultimately reach it but I will have given away my heart trying and truly that is all any of us has to give.
