I haven't been taking my medication for at least two maybe three months now. This is the longest I've gone without Lamictal since I started taking the drug in January 2008. Let me tell you, it's been.... for lack of a better word, crazy. My highs and lows are one on top of the other. Actually I am either high or low most of the time. There isn't much middle ground. My brain is on rapid fire. I am motivated and accomplishing a lot. I've finished reading three novels this month. I've applied for a number of scholarships. I'm working 25-30 hours a week at a restaurant, taking 6 college credits (and staying ahead on my assignments), managing to make dinner regularly and I'm still searching for more. What have I been doing with my life?
The one decision that has me on a yo-yo is my career choice. I love being back in school. But being in college as a grown up looks a lot different. I keep thinking my love of theater is impractical and not a wise path to follow. For one, it's no secret a teacher's salary is not quite enviable. For two there is only one drama teacher position per high school, typically. So it won't be high paying or in demand. Will I love it? I don't know. I keep thinking that my dream job is hiding from me. It's one of those jobs I don't even know exists. It's something I'll fall into on my way to earning my degree and might require me to take a huge turn, maybe more classes.
Saturday morning at Viewpoints one of my wise friends was explaining how she is attempting to be more fluid with life. We don't always have to claim now as "here". It doesn't have to be "this way". I think I need to try doing that as well. I don't have to tattoo my college major on my wrist- it's not permanent. I don't need to choose the end right now.
Reading, writing, testing, solving math problems has brought life back into yet another part of my brain that was waiting to be used. I feel myself becoming stronger in all situations. I can do this.
One of the kids recently confided that they are the only one in their group who hasn't been drunk or high. We discussed how making the decision before presented with the situation is very helpful. And so it is with me as I've been presented with situations I would have walked away from. This new year's theme "grow some balls" has been so easy to keep. When we were seated in the front row at the late night comedy show we grabbed those seats and had a blast. When I was asked to debone a whole chicken- I tried. Yes, I'm apprehensive but I'm willing.
I wouldn't be able to pretend to be fearless if I didn't have Troy. Recently, we watched a Ted talk about the longest running psychology experiment. Harvard has been following these men for 75 years now and the one thing that brought the most happiness and health was having a partner you could depend on. No matter what, I know Troy will be there for me. There is security in that. I have the freedom to test my wings because I know if I fall Troy will help get me strong enough to try again. Thank you Troy for holding my hand even if I am a crazy heathen.
