The eclipse is upon us

Spokane Lantern Fest May 2017 photo credit Ashton Cooper

Being mindful is something I've been working on. To me, being mindful means being present, living with purpose and it is a vital component to feeling balanced.

I have been very choosy about my activities. I don't work more shifts than I feel comfortable even though my boss constantly asks for more of my time, I haven't auditioned since January,  and I stopped scanning Craigslist for gigs. I am excited about Mindful Mondays on campus and have drawn out a weekly block schedule.

I'm also learning I'm not as open minded as I thought I was. I definitely have opinions and emotional reactions to situations, music, people. I recently accompanied Troy to a concert I had no interest in seeing and had to fake it. However when we finally decided to leave I couldn't hold back the tears! I had been so uncomfortable. I felt like my ears were bleeding. And if it's a musician I love I wouldn't mind being packed like a sardine rubbing shoulders with the man who apparently shaves his arms and were scratchy as hell. But I could not wait for this show to wind down. Maybe I should've had more to drink or maybe I shouldn't have gone. After that experience and a few recent dance nights downtown I've come to realize it's about quality not quantity. I love to dance but I've always hated provocative, grinding movements. Call me a prude. I remember slapping boys at every junior high school dance for getting too close. I think I'm done with the club scene, I'd rather have a dance party in my living room Drescher style.

I suppose I hate missing out or the idea that I might miss out if I stay home. But that doesn't have to mean doing something I don't like. And I don't have to like everything.

Having an awful time at that concert gave me empathy for our son who doesn't enjoy theater (in fact he says it makes him sick to his stomach). The way I felt was almost unbearable and now I understand how he felt the evening he ruined Miracle on 34th Street for me last year.

As I embark on my junior year at Boise State I'm listening and trying to be in tune to find my precise path. I'm not sure exactly what profession I will end up in but I'm certain being mindful will guide me the right way.

The most important thing I want to teach my kids is how to make a decision. I believe there are "multiple paths to the summit" and no matter what we will all be okay. However, there is something special when the universe aligns and life feels easy, when choices are made with thought and spiritual confirmation.

Summertime and the Living is Easy

So much has happened this year to catapult me into....well, serenity.  Some things carried on longer than were comfortable- an emotional affair, underemployment, activity in the church, pity parties to highlight a few. But now, I feel absolutely balanced and ready to face the challenges life offers.

Early spring brought me a truly inspired gift. I was rolling out bread dough and I had an intense feeling come over me. I found myself in tears as something spoke to me in regards to my life's mission and educational plans. I had the distinct feeling that my life is going to include something on a more global scale. I recalled in my year spent at the College of Western Idaho I had taken three internationally themed classes: Refugees in Idaho, Education Around the World and World Religion. I feel like my calling is going to involve diversity. I felt impressed that what ever work I'm going to do is going to be bigger than myself. It was such a clear and unexpected message.  It felt so amazing to receive divine revelation without any prior petition. I shared my experience with a couple choice friends and after a few weeks of wondering what to do was led to a brand new major that will be premiering this fall at Boise State-Global Studies. I couldn't believe it. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going but I feel like I am in sync with the divinity within. Figuring out Global Studies would be my new major was almost more exciting than finding out I was pregnant for the first time. I was beyond excited. In the middle of trying to convey my feelings to my family I stopped and realized the words I know are  inadequate. There was no real way to describe the joy and purpose I was experiencing. I had the thought- maybe the elation was just for me. Maybe it isn't possible to portray the depth or height of some very select emotions. Maybe you can't position the blade at the right angle to cut your heart open to reveal an accurate view of something so personal. No one cares about your life as much as you do. Truly.

Spring also brought Troy a new job opportunity. He was recruited by a third party and after three interviews, including being flown out of state for a day, he started work with Wall To Wall Stone Corp. This move has been life changing. We finally got new flooring after 3 years. We had a fun filled, worry free California vacation without having to pack our pantry for the meals en route. With money for small treats, new clothing, and one on one dates I actually enjoy being a parent. Life without the extreme financial stress feels like we're cheating. We've really been missing out. I mean I knew we were missing out in the obvious literal ways but I had no idea how good it feels to not worry how we are going to make it through the month. Just the other day I recorded in my journal, "This morning I woke up with a profound sense that I have all that I need. I find I remind myself in the moments I start to get upset that there is no reason to be angry because I am very happy with my life."

And as I am becoming who I know I am and can be - I'm understanding even better all the whys and what fors. In fact it occurred to me that maybe having kids first and going to school later in life might actually make the most sense. In May I graduated from the junior college summa cum laude, the kids are going to be grown before we're too old and I'm young enough to have a career even after a few more years of college. Perhaps this should have been my plan all along. I think I'll adopt it now. So girls, get married right out of high school, have your kids and then a career. Life isn't passing you by when you're at home up to your ears in diapers at age 22.  Of course I wouldn't write out Kylie's future to match mine but I do have a fresh perspective sans the anger of yesterday. I feel hopeful I will get to fulfill all my dreams and have grandkids too.

I Found the Sweet Spot

January was tough. With Snowpoclypse 2017 I heard myself utter the words "I want to move back to California." That was a first after our almost 12 years here in Idaho. But January also brought new life to routine and I've found myself so, so happy. I got my job back at The Rib Shack and work very part time with some pretty fantastic people (you know who you are), I actually look forward to going. I have two classes on campus. So some days I work, on the other days I go to school. I love the conversation in my philosophy class -World Religions. It is spectacular to be free from any set beliefs and be able to explore so many new ideas. At this point I identify as agnostic- I am withholding judgement about all things religious. I guess you could say it's trendy but chakras and meditation, vibrations and perhaps crystals are becoming my vehicles to enlightenment.

My second class is a general requirement for almost all students to graduate- Health and Wellness. We have started a month long Behavior Change Project and after much thought I decided to work on embracing my role as mom and wife. I decided to devote one hour a day to mindfully serving a member of my family. The six days (Mon-Sat) would each be reserved for a different one of them and Sunday, if I was successful all six days, I would reward myself with two hours alone, away from home. The first week (last week went fairly well although not perfect.) I was more attentive, a smidge more patient, went out of my way for others,  felt more love toward them, I even felt moments of bonding. Actually, the pressure to do something to make someone feel special every day is heavy. I know it sounds terrible but it is exhausting to be nice when it doesn't feel natural. That's ultimately why I didn't complete my goal last week. Troy was observing me and was able to tell each day who my target was and by Friday realized my day for me to show him some extra attention would be Saturday. That made me feel resistant. Now that he knew it was his turn he'd be expecting me to do something out of the ordinary. Most of the time I feel I'm barely surviving. Now I have to go above and beyond- it might kill me. And he knows I'm grading myself, the kids didn't know exactly which day would be theirs and honestly they probably didn't notice because I counted my attendance at a concert, listening to the teenager's music in the car and watching a movie with them as my some of my service hours. Perhaps it doesn't seem like much but, when all you want to do is retreat to your bedroom and insulate yourself from the noise, the questions, the needs, and the voices my presence is sometimes all I can offer. And I tried to do it cheerfully. It became easier as the week went on and I noticed myself giving more help and attention to all of them not just the one intended for the day. By week's end I felt a little better about myself as a mother and my self talk leaned toward positive.

Then I was approached to audition for a show.  It was flattering. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken it so personally. I know she was inviting a whole company of women but this made me feel special. She sent me the script accompanied by a particularly complimentary email. And I thought about it. I worried over it. I imagined life with a 5 day a week rehearsal schedule. Is that what I really wanted? Life seems so perfectly balanced. I never feel stressed but I'm just busy enough. I had time to shovel the snow that fell last week. I'm home to take Ashton to gymnastics, I don't work nights or Saturdays, Troy and I get to date regularly, I can help Kylie with math homework, I'm improving my improv and helping with Lion King Jr. props. I love how I feel with things the way they are. I have to keep reevaluating to make sure they remain so. I'm in control yet flexible. I feel on top of the world. Life is essentially bliss.

Last night as I drove to the theater, tears rolled down my cheeks. I savored each one as they seemed to come individually and only from my right eye- odd. I was once again mourning the life I could have had. The feelings envelope me and I go quickly down a spiral of sadness. The running monologue sounds something like this "If only I wasn't a mom. I would be able to do that show and that show and meet so-and-so for happy hour, and work more. I could have a life. My head wouldn't be so polluted by all the things I have to do and worry about for my family. I'm a terrible person. Why am I so selfish? Why does this feel like torture. I hate family life. Who says family life should be  THE goal? It isn't for everybody. But I never thought there was anything more important. I was taught it was my "divine nature" to be a wife and mother. But did I ever ask myself? Didn't I try to call off the wedding twice? I fucking hate the church. If I hadn't have been Mormon I wouldn't have gotten married so young, had so many kids. I wouldn't be trapped. I could breathe." The tears continued to fall and then I wondered, "What is wrong with me? I have a wonderful life. Troy and the kids are awesome. People crave becoming a parent. Why don't I have more maternal instincts? Why don't I want to be a mom and wife? Surly I can't be the only one. There must be others. When I die, I'll be free. Maybe I should try to get in an accident. Then I'll be able to fly. I won't be responsible for anyone else." When I got to the theater, I took a moment before heading in. My visor mirror had reported I looked fine but when I started to talk my voice was, probably only noticeable to me, hoarse. I felt everyone look at me as I spoke and I wondered if they wondered why I had been crying.

On the way home I felt slightly better but why must I always feel so intense? Why so happy and content or so upset and hopeless? How can a person be so up and down, so contradictory all the time? I blamed mental illness. Should probably start taking my pills again. And then I started my period and it all made sense.