What did you do this weekend?

Leading up to my birthday celebration and reflecting on it now, I realize I am a little weird. I didn't have a regular party by any means. We didn't have any alcohol, my husband wasn't invited, we didn't get dressed up- in fact we wore dirt on our faces! Even so, the weekend was epic.

I rented an Airbnb, not far from home, that offered a glamping opportunity. I invited my closest girls including my sisters, mom and oldest daughter. I hired a spiritual healer to lead us in a ritual and read tarot cards. And then I got into planning the details. I crafted a menu that accommodated my vegetarian and GF friends. I purchased candle holders to hang in the woods-one to represent each of the women who show up and shine in my life. I envisioned the ceremony and thought about how I could remind each of my guests how much potential and power each of them possess. As the weather turned cold I had to pull back on my idea of dancing naked in the woods and swimming in the river at midnight. We left out the primal screams and opted for a game of pool and dancing inside instead.

As we walked to the meadow just before dusk I was overwhelmed by the moment. The love I have for my friends, my life, my family, myself filled me with tingles. After being smudged with sage we settled into a circle. I marked each woman with a stripe of charcoal across her face to signify unity. We all looked ridiculous together. As I wiped black dust on her cheeks I told her why she was important to me and what I loved most about her. Once I'd gone around the circle it was suggested I become the object of their affection. Each of these amazing women then took some of the charcoal from their own cheeks, which was in some cases mixed with tears, and distinctly smeared my face while delivering compliments. Then we were led in a short meditation before making the trek back to the bunkhouse. The sun was quickly disappearing and each of them carried a flickering candle in a glass jar with a handle made of ribbon. The view from the rear of the procession was an unexpected highlight. The candles seemed to float as the sky grew dim, they provided just the right amount of light to get us back to the warmth of the building.

The harsh overhead lights of the bunkhouse were replaced by our tiny tea lights and a single lamp that had been tucked away now became a star! We all gathered around the table to be reminded of our fate, future and fortune. After each card's meaning was revealed we discussed and deliberated. I absolutely love depth and knowledge, new perspectives, insights. I love to engage and have epiphanies. We indulged in chocolate and played pool, we shook our booties and our boobies, we laughed and even sang before drifting off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.

After ingesting our morning brew, we went on a nature walk. As we collected pieces that would become part of our mandalas we thanked the plants for sharing their bounty. It was surreal. I had been admiring nature mandalas for months on social media but I was intimidated by their intricacies. I doubted I could create a picture worthy design. However, I found myself in a flow state! I was so pleased with the "compass" I placed in the sweet grass. As I chomped on an apple picked on our walk, I realized if my art blew away or got stepped on it was okay with me. I understood the items I had so carefully placed were similar to the Tibetan prayer flags I had handed my guests the night before. The nature mandalas and the Tibetan prayer flags are both made as offerings. The flags are used to carry prayers on the wind and my simple pattern was meant to bring joy to anyone who might come across it. But both the flags and the art will sooner or later break down and dissolve, being absorbed by the universe. And isn't that true for everything? Every effort we make will eventually simply be just an offering taken up by the universe for the better of all. It isn't about getting recognition it's about contributing-giving.

Looking back, not long ago I wouldn't have had the capacity to host a New Moon gathering. But I am busting out and pushing boundaries. I'm 40 and it feels fabulous. Seriously, I don't know why people complain so much about getting older. I feel like I can tap into who I am, what I really want out of life much easier and I care a whole lot less about what anyone else thinks. I'm exploring so many new things and simultaneously making discoveries about my own gifts. I invite you to come with me now. You won't be sorry- right Ladies?

If only I had set some goals

It has been over five years since I began this blog. I started writing about the trials of motherhood because I didn't know what else to do. I had wanted to give up and instead found solace in a game of make pretend. I pretended I was an employee of the house charged with their care. As they are growing up and leaving the nest my job is becoming more manageable. We definitely still have our challenges but we've grown, my expectations have lessened and we've found more balance.

Stumbling on a fulfilling vocation has shifted the trial from wanting to run from home to wanting to make sure I am there more. The three that are still under our roof are self managing, for the most part. During the work week Troy and I are not home much. They seem to eat, make messes, do some chores, get into some trouble and go missing on occasion. I feel like I am okay with that. We have spontaneous conversations about sex and drugs, relationships, grades and future plans. We do unannounced bedroom and backpack searches when intuition speaks. We try to fix a hot meal and gather daily. This summer we have gone camping, they've had sleepovers, we've hosted BBQs, played Kan Jam, floated the river, played with cousins, and consumed lots of frozen treats.

Looking back the one single action that has had the most positive impact on our family was leaving the church. We are free from trying to conform and it has done wonders for this family.

I have also learned to be good with who I am. I don't mother the way I thought I was "supposed" to  and yet, it is enough. I am doing the best I can with the tools and experience I have and that is all I can do. I check in with my constituents and they know they can come to me when they have grievances.

I no longer feel so strongly about a "right way" of living. There are exponentially fewer battles to fight. Love and let live resonates highly with me. There is no unnecessary pressure to perform, be successful, achieve perfection. I am free to love unconditionally and see the value of different perspectives. By modeling a more open viewpoint I feel our children will be more likely to lift others, have empathy and contribute to their communities in a meaningful way.

All in all I feel like Troy and I make a great team, our kids are headed in the right direction and everything is going to be alright. Cheers to the next five years!

Status Update

On Saturday morning I got to have a rare experience. I was chosen to be one of 12 women to participate in a Miss Wondersmith event. Check out her website she is all around magical. Part of the Rose Medicine event was a tasting menu that she paired with reflective questions. The intention of this event was one of self care. I do fairly well in this department but what came up for me was that I am STILL struggling with my identity as a mother.

Saturday morning while at the event I was taking a break from assisting my director in applying for a federal grant. The application process was grueling, we had less time than was ideal and it was requiring many hours over the weekend. The depth of the tasting menu coupled with how I had been so consumed with work during the kids' entire first week of summer had me feeling pretty absent on the home front. I realized even more than that I had to some degree given up on my maternal duties. With two kids out of the house things are definitely more manageable but I'm not done yet. 

It was the baklava with its multiple layered foundation that made me think about the foundation I'm giving my kids. I am genuinely happy with my life but I am sure that is not what is the message I send when I come in the door and start barking orders to the lazy teenagers on the Xbox. Is that what I want them to build their lives upon? An angry mom who doesn't engage other than to go through the list of things they aren't doing? Who doles out consequences far more often than compliments? Who complains about making dinner and all things domestic? 

Saturday night, after working for a few hours on the grant, Troy and I went out for a date. When we got home we had to remind and enforce the contentious rule of the phone curfew. I caught some swearing under his breath and the infamous "I hate you" from the accused child before he slammed the door. It's no wonder I hate this gig! I don't want to be the enforcer. I don't like managing people. I don't want to be in charge of them. I don't like having to check up on their choices but that is literally my job. I screamed out, "I don't care what you think. It's not my job to be your friend." Troy tried to gently remind me that I was tired and to stop talking because we want them to be able to speak and be heard or something but I just wrapped myself in my comforter and managed to fall asleep fuming.

Sunday brought more time on the grant but we managed to sneak in a desperately needed family meeting. During this time I was told, "I'm getting depressed and it's because of you. I don't like it here and it's your fault. You're never happy and I hate being here." 

"The truth is I get more rewards from work than home. I don't love being a mom. But, I sincerely don't want you to feel that way. I will work on it. What is it that you expect from me?" We had a great dialog and it cleared the air. 

The grant was due Monday at 3:00pm so I was up and gone before they were awake but on the way home I got the encouragement I needed to.... give a fuck. I've been listening to the Aubrey Marcus podcast  and this episode featured Joe Rogan (who before our Saturday night date had no idea who he was -we watched the fights). Joe talked about showing up and doing hard things. He argued that orchestrated, intentional conflict (e.g. tough physical work outs, getting up early, being impeccable with you word), protects us from other forms of drama. So, I committed to reinvest in the family Troy and I created. I've heard the message often enough, "If it scares you that is the thing you need to lean into". Mothering scares me because at this point I feel I have a minuscule amount of control. I feel like no matter what I say, suggest, ask for they will do whatever they are going to do anyway. I feel like I am wasting my breath. I decided maybe that is okay. I won't let that prevent me from giving my all. 

Monday night a plan was crafted for the next morning. With the grant finally complete I wasn't going in to work until the afternoon. I would get up and do my self care yoga and meditation. (I don't know why I'm not better at keeping that routine. It feels so good.) Then Dylan and Louie and I would eat a healthy breakfast (Ashton was invited but not interested) and then walk to the Maverik to get a sweet treat and finally time would be spent at the park on the way home. Tuesday morning went as planned and I felt on top of the world. We chatted about all the things I haven't felt we had the time for, we enjoyed candy before ten in the morning guilt free and were exercising in the sunshine. This experience: the planning, the eating breakfast together, the walk, the conversation reminded me that motherhood can be delicious. I had been trying to ignore this part of my life because I didn't feel like I knew how. I still feel like I need to take a minute to figure out what a detailed acceptable and realistic version of myself as a mother looks like. 

My life has changed dramatically since I started this journey. I need to let go of old ideals. I need to stop comparing myself to the previous version, to my friends' versions, to the fairy tale I had been fed and chose to believe. I am a working mom. I am a curious soul. I need validation. I want to make memories. I want to want to build a foundation on family. I am committed to doing hard things. That is where I am today. Thank you for listening.