On Saturday morning I got to have a rare experience. I was chosen to be one of 12 women to participate in a Miss Wondersmith event. Check out her website she is all around magical. Part of the Rose Medicine event was a tasting menu that she paired with reflective questions. The intention of this event was one of self care. I do fairly well in this department but what came up for me was that I am STILL struggling with my identity as a mother.
Saturday morning while at the event I was taking a break from assisting my director in applying for a federal grant. The application process was grueling, we had less time than was ideal and it was requiring many hours over the weekend. The depth of the tasting menu coupled with how I had been so consumed with work during the kids' entire first week of summer had me feeling pretty absent on the home front. I realized even more than that I had to some degree given up on my maternal duties. With two kids out of the house things are definitely more manageable but I'm not done yet.
It was the baklava with its multiple layered foundation that made me think about the foundation I'm giving my kids. I am genuinely happy with my life but I am sure that is not what is the message I send when I come in the door and start barking orders to the lazy teenagers on the Xbox. Is that what I want them to build their lives upon? An angry mom who doesn't engage other than to go through the list of things they aren't doing? Who doles out consequences far more often than compliments? Who complains about making dinner and all things domestic?
Saturday night, after working for a few hours on the grant, Troy and I went out for a date. When we got home we had to remind and enforce the contentious rule of the phone curfew. I caught some swearing under his breath and the infamous "I hate you" from the accused child before he slammed the door. It's no wonder I hate this gig! I don't want to be the enforcer. I don't like managing people. I don't want to be in charge of them. I don't like having to check up on their choices but that is literally my job. I screamed out, "I don't care what you think. It's not my job to be your friend." Troy tried to gently remind me that I was tired and to stop talking because we want them to be able to speak and be heard or something but I just wrapped myself in my comforter and managed to fall asleep fuming.
Sunday brought more time on the grant but we managed to sneak in a desperately needed family meeting. During this time I was told, "I'm getting depressed and it's because of you. I don't like it here and it's your fault. You're never happy and I hate being here."
"The truth is I get more rewards from work than home. I don't love being a mom. But, I sincerely don't want you to feel that way. I will work on it. What is it that you expect from me?" We had a great dialog and it cleared the air.
The grant was due Monday at 3:00pm so I was up and gone before they were awake but on the way home I got the encouragement I needed to.... give a fuck. I've been listening to the Aubrey Marcus podcast and this episode featured Joe Rogan (who before our Saturday night date had no idea who he was -we watched the fights). Joe talked about showing up and doing hard things. He argued that orchestrated, intentional conflict (e.g. tough physical work outs, getting up early, being impeccable with you word), protects us from other forms of drama. So, I committed to reinvest in the family Troy and I created. I've heard the message often enough, "If it scares you that is the thing you need to lean into". Mothering scares me because at this point I feel I have a minuscule amount of control. I feel like no matter what I say, suggest, ask for they will do whatever they are going to do anyway. I feel like I am wasting my breath. I decided maybe that is okay. I won't let that prevent me from giving my all.
Monday night a plan was crafted for the next morning. With the grant finally complete I wasn't going in to work until the afternoon. I would get up and do my self care yoga and meditation. (I don't know why I'm not better at keeping that routine. It feels so good.) Then Dylan and Louie and I would eat a healthy breakfast (Ashton was invited but not interested) and then walk to the Maverik to get a sweet treat and finally time would be spent at the park on the way home. Tuesday morning went as planned and I felt on top of the world. We chatted about all the things I haven't felt we had the time for, we enjoyed candy before ten in the morning guilt free and were exercising in the sunshine. This experience: the planning, the eating breakfast together, the walk, the conversation reminded me that motherhood can be delicious. I had been trying to ignore this part of my life because I didn't feel like I knew how. I still feel like I need to take a minute to figure out what a detailed acceptable and realistic version of myself as a mother looks like.
My life has changed dramatically since I started this journey. I need to let go of old ideals. I need to stop comparing myself to the previous version, to my friends' versions, to the fairy tale I had been fed and chose to believe. I am a working mom. I am a curious soul. I need validation. I want to make memories. I want to want to build a foundation on family. I am committed to doing hard things. That is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
