It has been over five years since I began this blog. I started writing about the trials of motherhood because I didn't know what else to do. I had wanted to give up and instead found solace in a game of make pretend. I pretended I was an employee of the house charged with their care. As they are growing up and leaving the nest my job is becoming more manageable. We definitely still have our challenges but we've grown, my expectations have lessened and we've found more balance.
Stumbling on a fulfilling vocation has shifted the trial from wanting to run from home to wanting to make sure I am there more. The three that are still under our roof are self managing, for the most part. During the work week Troy and I are not home much. They seem to eat, make messes, do some chores, get into some trouble and go missing on occasion. I feel like I am okay with that. We have spontaneous conversations about sex and drugs, relationships, grades and future plans. We do unannounced bedroom and backpack searches when intuition speaks. We try to fix a hot meal and gather daily. This summer we have gone camping, they've had sleepovers, we've hosted BBQs, played Kan Jam, floated the river, played with cousins, and consumed lots of frozen treats.
Looking back the one single action that has had the most positive impact on our family was leaving the church. We are free from trying to conform and it has done wonders for this family.
I have also learned to be good with who I am. I don't mother the way I thought I was "supposed" to and yet, it is enough. I am doing the best I can with the tools and experience I have and that is all I can do. I check in with my constituents and they know they can come to me when they have grievances.
I no longer feel so strongly about a "right way" of living. There are exponentially fewer battles to fight. Love and let live resonates highly with me. There is no unnecessary pressure to perform, be successful, achieve perfection. I am free to love unconditionally and see the value of different perspectives. By modeling a more open viewpoint I feel our children will be more likely to lift others, have empathy and contribute to their communities in a meaningful way.
All in all I feel like Troy and I make a great team, our kids are headed in the right direction and everything is going to be alright. Cheers to the next five years!
