An Apology

Last week, during one of our deep and meaningful family discussions, Kylie said, “So that’s why you didn’t love us.” 

It has taken some time for me to process her comment. I can make all the excuses I want. “I wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self.”, “I was brainwashed.”, “I was in survival mode.”  But all of the excuses don’t take away the pain I caused my family. No matter what my intentions were my past actions caused my children and my husband some very real, deep scars. 

A dear friend of ours warned me after my first blog posts of the damage my words might do. I scoffed at her sentiment believing my writing was in the name of my “healing”. I felt justified to slam motherhood. I had been tricked. All the Mormon women surrounding me made it look so easy and fun!

For years I struggled with being domestic and as I’m learning to embrace all of myself, I’ve been shown how much harm that struggle has caused. The trauma of having a spouse or mother consistently threatening to leave is part of their stories. 

I am now to the place in my journey where clarity shows up for moments at a time. I’m beginning to do the work on my dark side. I am not an easy person to live with, create a life with (surprise, surprise). Not only do I not have all the answers, I am just now developing my own set of morals. I am awakening to all that is possible including the infinite ways to journey through life.

I am sorry for making Troy, Kylie, Gavin, Ashton, Dylan and Louie doubt their own self worth. Each one of you hold gifts without measure. I am sorry I projected my own self hatred upon our beautiful home. I am sorry I got caught up in my ego to the degree that I almost lost you dear family. 

Please know I am working at loving myself daily. And in so doing my capacity to love everyone is expanding. I am excited to push myself and my limited perspective. The work to undo the trauma has begun and I can assure you I am diligently trying to create new ways of communicating, being, loving. 

Thanks fam for never giving up on me. For allowing me to continue to be a part of your lives. I hope you can find it within to forgive me. I completely understand it will take time. I still struggle sometimes and I probably always will but, please know I have always loved you and I am here.

 

Expansion is Tangible

I had a difficult week emotionally and it put me in a vulnerable and self reflective state. Thankfully I was physically surrounded by different supportive friends every day. (That is miraculous for this self labeled hermit.)

While picking up dog poop and mowing the yard I had a download of my power! I finally realized I am whole and do not need anyone else’s approval, respect, or love. I felt very strongly that I can do anything. All that I’ve been reading, contemplating, making time for is coming together. I feel in a flow state when I am working at home. It confirms I am living in my design (see Human Design). The emotions, the vocabulary, the synchronicity, the reciprocity is all there! 

I’ve been soul searching for six years and I thought I knew what direction I was headed in. Yet, it always seemed far out of reach. No, your highest self is where you already are! 🤯 I don’t need to live in a commune or off grid to have peace and happiness! I already have it!!!! We all do, we just have to be willing to see it! 

Additionally, I began this blog almost exactly 7 years ago. And I feel exactly the opposite from how I felt about my kids then. I have found myself and in turn, I  have deeper more authentic relationships with every one of our five children. It took working and going to school for me to realize I wanted nothing more than to be home. And who knows I may eventually go back to work but right now I’m diggin’ making dinner, keeping the house clean, having conversations at any hour of the day with my family and friends, loving my husband, reading books and just being more present. Only after we come to know ourselves can we share with others at a much deeper level. Have any of you experienced a download of truth?

This Mother’s Day I feel like I have done a great job over the past year. I am excited to welcome some attention from my family that day. And I won’t ask my kids to call me Stephanie because I am NOT the Nanny!