Last week, during one of our deep and meaningful family discussions, Kylie said, “So that’s why you didn’t love us.”
It has taken some time for me to process her comment. I can make all the excuses I want. “I wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self.”, “I was brainwashed.”, “I was in survival mode.” But all of the excuses don’t take away the pain I caused my family. No matter what my intentions were my past actions caused my children and my husband some very real, deep scars.
A dear friend of ours warned me after my first blog posts of the damage my words might do. I scoffed at her sentiment believing my writing was in the name of my “healing”. I felt justified to slam motherhood. I had been tricked. All the Mormon women surrounding me made it look so easy and fun!
For years I struggled with being domestic and as I’m learning to embrace all of myself, I’ve been shown how much harm that struggle has caused. The trauma of having a spouse or mother consistently threatening to leave is part of their stories.
I am now to the place in my journey where clarity shows up for moments at a time. I’m beginning to do the work on my dark side. I am not an easy person to live with, create a life with (surprise, surprise). Not only do I not have all the answers, I am just now developing my own set of morals. I am awakening to all that is possible including the infinite ways to journey through life.
I am sorry for making Troy, Kylie, Gavin, Ashton, Dylan and Louie doubt their own self worth. Each one of you hold gifts without measure. I am sorry I projected my own self hatred upon our beautiful home. I am sorry I got caught up in my ego to the degree that I almost lost you dear family.
Please know I am working at loving myself daily. And in so doing my capacity to love everyone is expanding. I am excited to push myself and my limited perspective. The work to undo the trauma has begun and I can assure you I am diligently trying to create new ways of communicating, being, loving.
Thanks fam for never giving up on me. For allowing me to continue to be a part of your lives. I hope you can find it within to forgive me. I completely understand it will take time. I still struggle sometimes and I probably always will but, please know I have always loved you and I am here.
