You Want Authenticity?

Everything has an equal and opposite reaction. By being so transparent in my language of all my doings and emotions I left the world to form an opinion of what, where and who I am. I somehow forgot my children were part of this world. Their friends who happen to make up a very few of my Facebook friends also were reading my confessions. I knew that Kylie had followed some of the very first posts but figured that she was no longer interested since I hadn’t heard anything about my grown up life regurgitated at the dinner table.

Kylie was unusually hostile and emotional last Sunday-even for a hormonal 14 year old. Gavin had made mention he had caught wind of the word divorce in regard to our family but, upon a short explanation was satisfied-“Oh, I must have misunderstood, ok Mom.”  Kylie had had one of the most recent blog entries pointed out to her by one of her close friends. I had failed her. I hadn’t made her privy to my darkest moments prior to making them public. I told you I was selfish, impulsive, impatient-a less than desirable mother in many ways. My admissions of sin, uncertainty of my identity, let my children down. I had given absolutely no thought to them I had only wanted to unload my pain and frustration in an effort to let go-get rid of it by throwing it as hard and far away as I possibly could. Well, I must throw like a girl or maybe my ugly ball was actually a well designed boomerang. It’s not that easy to get rid of haunting mistakes.

Now I am really paying for it. My boys argue adamantly whenever they are asked-“forced” to attend any church activity. The contention in our home most days is overwhelming and I am forced to take full credit for this one. How could I have let them down. Some may say it’s not necessarily a bad thing to question or “think for myself” but honestly in my heart of hearts I always knew where I wanted to be-close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I recently had a vision of sorts come to the forefront of my mind. I saw myself not much unlike Tinkerbell- caught in a spider’s web. I struggled to get free. The web was my representation of the rules and restrictions of the church. All my energy was in vain like a struggle in quick sand. But then suddenly I was cut free and began to swim as fast as I could to the surface where I broke thru, a great brightness welcoming me at the top of the water. That was it. I interpreted that to represent my struggle against myself, all I have known that brings my soul peace. A struggle that I was relentless to win, but didn’t make any sense. I was trying to undo my safe, secure identity. Why did I fight so hard for my own demise. Who was I trying to prove that I knew more than-God? Why? As I then swam with all my might to the surface for a deep breath- I realized that if I put all my energy into positive things I would accomplish much and be my best me, my real me. For that was really what my search was for-my authentic self.

I believe I existed before I came to Earth, before I was born. I know I was supreme to who I am now. I know I will be restored to that intelligence in the life that follows this short one.

I am greater than I know-so are you. All the negative thoughts I tell myself at times out loud are meant to keep me from progressing and becoming stronger in the faith. “I am a horrible mother. Why try? I’m just screwing them up. I suck. I’m a loser.” These words are damaging and degenerating. I have shared such a negative voice with this world and I am truly sorry. I thought my edgy, blunt, shocking words were impressive, therapeutic. Maybe there was a reason for me to bear my soul. But I see it as a little bit of pollution. I want to be a light for good.

I am still working out early every morning. It makes me feel stronger in many ways. One of the songs during boot camp says something like “Live like a warrior. Live like you wanna. Throw yesterday in the fire and watch it burn.”  I had been searching the past for who I am. I had been trying to find out when I had left my innocence behind me. And why I felt my mistakes had a grasp on me. I had wanted desperately to go back to my youth-the time that my faith was undeniable, a time when I thought of myself as unblemished, worthy of love-to love myself. I have sunken lower than I ever have before in my life. Perhaps this is a low in my bi polar roller coaster. I truly feel like a failure. Now I am seeking for the truth, for words to uplift me and help me be my best, my real self. This journey is supposed to be about helping others but we must first help ourselves. We need to have a full bucket before we can share anything with anyone else. I feel broken. And that is why I must realign my sight on the days ahead, never look back. I am moving forward and even though I have plenty of reminders of my mistakes I need to tell myself, “You’re awesome, you can do anything. You got this. You’re awesome. You rock.” Yes, I say these things in the quiet of my room when no one else can hear me. Maybe I shouldn't hide those words any more, maybe that’s what my kids need to hear me say. And those are exactly the words I want to teach and hear them say.

Ready, Set, Go!

I'm convinced the past 3 days of vay cay have undone the past 3 weeks of healthy eating and the habit of getting up at 5 am to get worked. 

It's fascinating to me how demo only takes a splinter of a fraction of the time it takes to erect a building.

Fabricating a habit, a building, a life- is tough work. It takes endless hours of engineering, meetings, planning and the like. It takes your whole heart and soul.

I look forward to seeing my sweet family, I definitely needed a break and feel revived. It's time to hold hands with my husband and blaze a trail that will leave a legacy of hopefully good memories and unity-that's the goal. Time to draw up the blue prints.

The view from my outdoor shower this morning-last day in beautiful Savannah.

Life in Savannah

I love staying with friends. The understanding and closeness that develops as you journey with them in their day to day life can best be accomplished in the flesh. The dearest friends are the ones who you can pick up where you left off a few years ago and make fantastic new memories with.

I have been so impressed with Alison. She is an accommodating hostess-amazingly so not having any prep time or time to mentally prepare (we surprised her with our visit). She is an organized, successful, confident working mother and wife. Naturally I find myself comparing my life with hers. Surprisingly, I have not felt bad that I don't measure up in areas but rather I want to glean from her working systems and take that knowledge home with me. 

Something I've come to remember most recently is if you don't plan- you plan to fail. Just knowing what your duties are doesn't in itself propel you to get it done. Having a strategy is vital. 

There are a couple people in my circle who have the gift to fix most any situation. I'm not a complete failure at it but the part I'm not in tune with sometimes is identifying the problem and at other times being aware that there is a way to stop the insanity. I think those two go hand in hand. If you can't see or are too busy to seek the solution you may not want to admit there is a problem in the first place.

I'm referring to the day to day-the division of chores, the chaos of the weekday morning, the sibling rivalaries, the lack of one on one time. There are answers to these very real, stressful, upsetting problems that plague family life. There are better ways to do things. 

We need to stop complaining and figure out how to change what isn't working to what does. The first step is to stop and sit down to figure it out. What if you had a running list of your household issues, then you could turn them into daily exercises. "Dick and Jane can't seem to agree on who should be responsible for doing the bills. What could they do?", "Bobby and Jimmy share a room but keep each other awake at night. The boys are hard to wake up in the morning. What can Mom and Dad do to fix this problem?", "The kids point out things that need to be cleaned but Mom can't do it all. Who should be the one to rid the silverware caddy of crumbs?". 

Sometimes all that needs to be done is to label some bins to make things easier to find, sometimes a parent teacher conf needs to be scheduled, sometimes there is no easy fix and the issue will need to be revisited many times as you try different recipes.

We can't expect things to change without taking action. Complaining is not proactive and you can not depend on others to remedy your problems. Help has to be solicited in a direct manner. "I need help making sure the mail is picked up daily-Dylan that will be your job after school." Done.

Take control, come up with a plan, carry it out. Thanks Al for having a working, running household. It's good to see one in action.

Tybee Island. Put our feet in the Atlantic.