Puberty

Recently while in California visiting my parents, my mom mentioned to me that I have high expectations. Her tone suggested it was something out of balance that warranted my time and reflection. This week I have been  more aware and made some adjustments. 

My thoughts were simply that my level of cleanliness, my standard of completing a job, my intent and care isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. I know, of course it isn’t the same for everyone. But by reminding myself of this it’s allowed me to have more grace for my family. 

While I’m enjoying my front porch coffee, I realized that I made our home a stressful place for many years. I had this vision in my head, this illusion of perfection. And the only tactics I used in my attempts to obtain order were yelling, threats and punishment. Furthermore, the perfection I thought I wanted is the literal opposite of reality. Reality is messy and beautiful. I now think of my role as Organizer of Chaos. I want my children to feel supported in their unique view of this world. It is fascinating when you learn to really listen how differently we all receive the same information. And for years I was actively trying to mold them into what I wanted them to be. The pressure I put on them is damaging, I know because I was also applying it to myself. 

But I was so good at it! I always had straight A’s, I loved school and church and choir. I was the epitome of a good girl. And when I did mess up with boys or the occasional drink/smoke I would sometimes repent and sometimes sweep it under the rug. But I couldn’t process shame so I would pretend it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t admit fault I would move on. To this day I have such a hard time being accountable for my actions when they aren’t favorable. I had an image to uphold, a reputation to keep. And I made a lot of mistakes in trying to maintain. I’ve come to learn I wasn’t in alignment with my highest self. I was internally at war. I was a caged bird.

Leaving the church, learning the art of letting go, and radical self acceptance have given me life. The peace, contentment and gratitude I feel on a daily basis floors me. I am truly living my best life. And I feel more equipped to parent authentically, with capacity to keep a safe space for my children and connect on a much deeper level. I am in want of nothing, I finally find joy in my station in life. I have found the tools to better self regulate my emotions. I’m grateful for opportunity for growth even though that usually means pain. I’m learning to push through the discomfort because it’s always better on the other side. I guess you could say I’m finally growing up. 

Unsolicited Advice

I’m finally figuring it all out! It’s as if a map made just for me (in MY language, so I can read it) has just been unfurled before me. And the most important instructions are to LET IT GO. It is such a fool’s errand to be in pursuit of control. I have fought trying to control my children, my spouse, my family, my friends, situations, and environments my entire life. I had expectations I wanted to fulfill. The truth of the matter is we

are not, nor will we ever be in control of anything other than how we choose to act/react. That’s it.

Kylie and Michael are such good examples to me of letting go. We went on an adventure this past weekend that went south. Basically, we drove two hours to see something really cool but drove home without getting to see it. I couldn’t believe their positivity. It didn’t even ruffle their feathers! They didn’t complain, they didn’t blame they just simply were along for the ride. It helped me see how emotional I make situations that don’t warrant that much energy. (I’m still having a hard time letting go of it!)

The lens I see through today is bright and multicolored. It feels me with joy, love and peace. And life is easy and simple. It truly is. To get here I have to constantly choose to accept life as it is. 

Right now that means I’m not driving because my right foot is in a boot. I don’t know how long it will take to heal but I’ve accepted that. I’m not sad about what I can’t do instead, I’m leaning into a slower pace and allowing myself time to fully heal. I have time to connect with my kids, reflect on my choices and figure out how I want to live my life. I am at peace with it.

My children might make choices that will produce unpleasant outcomes but unless they ask for my advice or permission, I can’t stop them (and even then, they are free to act against my suggestions). But everything we experience is either a success or a lesson. To me both of those options are a win. Some lessons are uglier, harder to endure or even life altering but our kids lives are theirs, not ours. Inhibiting their ability to fail is ultimately stunting.

Letting go also means taking responsibility for my life. I can’t blame anyone else for where I am. It’s not anyone else’s fault that I didn’t finish college, was actively involved in a cult until I was 35, and had an affair. Those were my choices and I learned from them, experienced the natural consequences that accompanied my choices, and have been led to the path I’m on today. We, so often, get in our own way. Interestingly, we’re the only ones who have the power to do that to ourselves. Happily, we also have the power to lift ourselves to freedom and enlightenment.

Equally important to learning to let go is to be honest. So many people are lying to themselves. We tend to cling tightly to beliefs that have been passed down to us even though our own thoughts may not align. Some of us were evenly actively taught when our own thoughts differed from the church or our parents or our peers that we were wrong. That shame is what kept us from exploring and loving ourselves. These patterns are hard to break because we learned them when we were impressionable children. I absolutely love doing the inner work of identifying my core values. I love questioning practically my every thought and deciding why I feel the way I do. Am I thoughtlessly repeating old patterns my parents gave me or have I decided to do something for myself?

It takes time to discover who I am. It took slowing down enough to ponder on my choices. Why did I choose to elevate situations when I could’ve handled them calmly? For example, here are my thoughts for coming home to a messy house. 1) Who cares, we aren’t expecting company and if someone stops by unannounced they’ll see we don’t always have a perfect house. 2) Did I intentionally give the family clear expectations? 3) I might choose to be disappointed with myself for not teaching them more, being more strict while they were younger. Which would lead to becoming irritable because I would tell myself I was/am a shitty mom. 4) I now realize yes and, I did my best, if I want help I can ask them and they will help nine times out of ten without me having to yell or threaten them. 5) My lesson from this weekend if you give things enough time they will resolve themselves.

Most things aren’t worth worrying about. Everything will turn out exactly as it should.

It’s crazy to me that life is so simple and yet so difficult. It is important to be self aware and understand how you are received. You might be surprised how your words and actions are interpreted, it is worth discovering and adjusting. For years I was so self absorbed I didn’t have the capacity to see my short comings. I was insecure and afraid to admit fault. I am seven years out of the church and am still unveiling truths regularly. Truths I was kept too busy to learn. I chose to be constantly in service to “God.” It meant not listening to myself. All I had to do was what I thought God wanted per his “only true church”. (Going to the temple, reading the scriptures daily, praying, serving in the church, blah, blah, blah). But see there’s the problem. We are God/Love/. So if you stifle your own voice by trying to adhere to someone else’s standards/values you eventually can’t hear it anymore. You are constantly battling yourself. Because we were taught the natural man is an enemy to God. I believe our uniqueness is to be celebrated. Diversity is key to a thriving community. All we need to learn can be found in the natural world.

Letting go also means acknowledging that someone else’s choice is best for them. Just because you would’ve done something differently doesn’t mean you need to put judgement on a situation. Let it go. If it isn’t hurting anyone, why does it matter? And if it does directly effect you, how can you handle the situation with love? Often issues can be resolved through transparent, honest communication. That requires both parties to have the confidence and awareness to speak honestly. And to feel safe to do so. Which means both parties have to have spent time in meditation about the issue. Often we don’t take the time to really process a situation before reacting, choosing a side or making up our minds about someone. As we learn more about ourselves it becomes easier to make the most aligned decisions. And as we learn to listen to ourselves we can in turn listen more presently to others and are able to discern between truth and lies. 

“I am loving awareness.” -Ram Dass

And that has been my stream of consciousness for the afternoon.