Puberty

Recently while in California visiting my parents, my mom mentioned to me that I have high expectations. Her tone suggested it was something out of balance that warranted my time and reflection. This week I have been  more aware and made some adjustments. 

My thoughts were simply that my level of cleanliness, my standard of completing a job, my intent and care isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. I know, of course it isn’t the same for everyone. But by reminding myself of this it’s allowed me to have more grace for my family. 

While I’m enjoying my front porch coffee, I realized that I made our home a stressful place for many years. I had this vision in my head, this illusion of perfection. And the only tactics I used in my attempts to obtain order were yelling, threats and punishment. Furthermore, the perfection I thought I wanted is the literal opposite of reality. Reality is messy and beautiful. I now think of my role as Organizer of Chaos. I want my children to feel supported in their unique view of this world. It is fascinating when you learn to really listen how differently we all receive the same information. And for years I was actively trying to mold them into what I wanted them to be. The pressure I put on them is damaging, I know because I was also applying it to myself. 

But I was so good at it! I always had straight A’s, I loved school and church and choir. I was the epitome of a good girl. And when I did mess up with boys or the occasional drink/smoke I would sometimes repent and sometimes sweep it under the rug. But I couldn’t process shame so I would pretend it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t admit fault I would move on. To this day I have such a hard time being accountable for my actions when they aren’t favorable. I had an image to uphold, a reputation to keep. And I made a lot of mistakes in trying to maintain. I’ve come to learn I wasn’t in alignment with my highest self. I was internally at war. I was a caged bird.

Leaving the church, learning the art of letting go, and radical self acceptance have given me life. The peace, contentment and gratitude I feel on a daily basis floors me. I am truly living my best life. And I feel more equipped to parent authentically, with capacity to keep a safe space for my children and connect on a much deeper level. I am in want of nothing, I finally find joy in my station in life. I have found the tools to better self regulate my emotions. I’m grateful for opportunity for growth even though that usually means pain. I’m learning to push through the discomfort because it’s always better on the other side. I guess you could say I’m finally growing up.