I'm just a little slow

Unintentionally Revised


When my husband and I were in the throws of the defining months of our relationship, the time when you answer the question should I stay or should I go- I remember being okay with the thought of leaving the kids behind. My sister said, "Maybe you were just supposed to give birth to them. Maybe someone else was meant to raise them." I was ready to believe that. I find that I often battle the restraints of domesticated life and flounder like a fish out of water as I try to figure out who I am and what my calling in life is. Yes, I have been here before.


I don't seem to possess the innate nurturing, loving feelings that should accompany being a parent. Sadly, I can't relate to the parents who say they would do anything for their children. This is hard to admit. At times I have to force myself to think about losing one of them to remind myself that I do care. The parents who are smitten and enamored by everything disgusting and cute about their children, are just plain annoying. However, over the past couple of months I have been watching more intently the parents around me. I've been watching people in all circumstances and with all different parenting styles. I watch to see where they acquired the gooey love from and why I don't have it.


I think part of my problem is the irresponsible spacing of our oldest four children. They were born too close together. It was enough to keep myself from drowning, treading water is exhausting. One time we left all four of them, 5 years and under, with my parents while we went on a five day cruise to Ensenada. Upon our return my mom asked, "How do you even find time to wipe your butt?".


This is pretty ridiculous but an epiphany none the less.


My kids have assumed that they have a say in if they do or don't attend family events. I've tried half heartedly to ask why they didn't want to grace us with their presence, I've attempted to validate their feelings by letting them rattle off their unreasonable complaints. My husband just simply, without argument, tells them to "GET IN THE CAR" leaving me to deal with the incessant whining. This time I was grown up enough to listen. Unanimously, the most pressing problem was that they get bored. I planned to sacrifice and packed my swim suit. I got all five kids in the pool. We had races, cannon ball wars, synchronized routines, we did handstands and underwater somersaults, we had a tea party at the bottom of the shallow end and I even took a turn down the slide-pretty sure I snagged my suit.


We had a blast. I think I learned the secret -I need to build block towers with them, get in their tree forts, play Monopoly with them (gag), watch Slugtara with them, ride bikes with them, lay on their beds and listen to their dreams, concerns, and stories. You can't love someone if you don't know them.  I was enjoying my time writing, talking on the phone, organizing closets, keeping the house clean and running smoothly, mowing the yard. I was trying to stay as uninvolved as possible this summer. I need to put in the effort to build relationships with my children and have the desire to draw closer to them. I don't think it has to be one or the other. I don't have to give up everything I love to play with them all day but I do need to give them the time of day (so they know when they have to check in).


During this time of rediscovery I know I need to better prioritize my time so that I can make memories with my kids before they slip through my fingers.

You are stronger than you think

I chose to spend 90 minutes in 100 degree weather to mow the yard. Some say, "Make your kids do it", "That's what kids are for". Sheepishly I agree thinking they're right and I'm wrong. Why doesn't my husband do it? The fact of the matter is, I'm my father's daughter and I actually like working in the yard. Yes Mom, it's true. I also realized how much more enjoyable it is when the grass is high and the sun is hot.  I like to hear my favorite music cheering me on. This chore has always made me feel strong like I have the power to conquer armies should there be any in my way.  For a long time I had to act like the little engine that could chanting "you can do it, you can do it." This was my only solace as I dodged moths, grasshoppers, bees and wasps which all seemed to attack me when I didn't even know they were hiding in the first place. I've gotten better and can forge through with Pandora.

As I was on leave from the world making an attempt at straight lines-haha-I got to thinking about how strength is about pushing ourselves. As I pushed through the tough spots I thought of my oldest daughter and how she may not think of me as strong in an emotional sense, I want her to know I'm strong because I don't give up-I fight through the blisters. I thought about how good it felt to push my body to finish the yard without breaks-except for a minor one when I shared a popcicle with Louie it was orange-we were out of purple-but I refrained from sitting because it definaty would have been over. I thought about the people who-be up in the gym working on their fitness-pushing themselves to the limit. I thought about a special mom of a friend who would work a swing shift and come home and start making food for us teenagers. She never sat down for a break she is strong and pushed herself.
Recently I told a friend who has significantly less children than I -if you had to do what I have to do, you wouldn't be able to do it the way you want to. I don 't actually think that's true anymore. With enough desire I do have the strength to push myself to keep a cleaner house this is probably my biggest aspiration. With the kids as my slaves-I can do it.

Our new routine of same get out of bed time, same chores, same consequences for two solid weeks is working and they no longer bring up child labor laws anymore. Do I feel stronger? Absolutely but I cringe to think my teens will likely ruin it. Can't see it going well. (they are in Cali with grandmas) I have pushed myself.  The first step was the plan, the second acting on it.

It was right in front of me the entire time. As my dear friend Dannette would say -put on your big girl panties. Let's clarify, the panties themselves don't necessarily have to be big. I needed to push myself to get stronger -not change my role in the lives of the most important people-my family. I needed to get stronger by simply trying harder.  We are all in different places can all handle only so much at one time.

Sometimes we need to break to put ourselves back together and we need to fall to get back up. Sometimes we  downright can 't push any farther we have made it to our limit and need the strength of someone else to push from behind. This time I think I just needed to overcome myself and find the strength I had buried. I thought I was going to lose, to be eaten alive by these monsters , my offspring. When really I just needed to take control of the situation, exert my power and face them with a sword and shield. I am stronger than they are by sheer status-I am their mother-and always will be. I can do this. As cheesy as it may sound, when you tell someone you believe in them, that is a source of infinite strength. Let 's build each other up against all we have to fight. Tell someone you love how you are on their side , you believe they have the strength to overcome.

It's Working?

It's been about a week of working at my new place of employment. Much has been accomplished but, I'm wondering if I've lost sight of my original goal to be a better mother...I'm sure you seasoned, wiser women read the post about the required duties of a nanny from a man's point of view and saw that it was really a call for a maid. After the first few days that's sort of what I thought too. I was getting quicker at my routine, I have learned how to prioritize my time just right so that I have an hour in the morning to get myself ready-blow dry my hair even-without interruption, dinner is now ready promptly at six unless prior arrangements have been made, I keep up with the laundry and have the dishes done before I go to bed every night. It feels amazing but it has evaporated any time alone with my husband and the time to play with the kids.


The new routine as stated before includes bribery to help the kids accomplish their daily tasks in an hour or less upon waking at eight-two tootsie rolls-one for finishing the list and a second for no complaints. I had one child tell me last Thursday-"I don't even mind doing chores now.". Saturday they were given two hours with their additional work load and one of them required a five minute grace period, the other had challenged himself and was done in just over an hour. I had increased  the prize to be a single snack size candy bar of their choice. They had accompanied me to the store to pick out the treats and were able to drool over them for a couple of days. Only one of them complained-losing the tootsie roll but all three of them finished. And I made it through without raising my voice or having to throw a tantrum. I was so happy the way things went, was it really that easy? Candy and a race against the kitchen timer? We continued the routine Sunday morning but I let them sleep in an extra hour, I think it's important to keep it going everyday if it's going to stick.


My experience with routine is a love hate relationship. I love the way it looks on other people. I try putting one in place with rigidness and lots of complicated agendas just like she does. It lasts as long as I can go without hitting my forehead against the sink, making me cut my bangs. Or I try a more manageable one and it sticks for a couple of weeks, a month maybe and then I go bored out of my mind and I'm back to banging my forehead on something. However, I do have a couple that have stuck for years-my rotation of themed dinner nights throughout the week and the kids chore rotation-that's it. Before now we haven't even enforced a bed time, ever. Now we say bedtime is between ten thirty and eleven. Sleeping until eight still allows for nine hours.


So it has been a positive experience in the afore mentioned ways but I still get frustrated and annoyed with them often throughout the day. I still yell at them to change their clothes because I don't want to be seen with them like that in public, I go to bed without tucking them in-it's more like "go to bed, stay in your room, I'll see you in the morning"- and they can tell that I'm deathly bored almost every time they start sharing something about their latest creation-the one I suggested that they make to whittle away the extra hours of the summer. Wow, how's that for nurturing? So I have a clean house and kids that get up and go to bed at the same time everyday with responsibilities. I know it's not time for a rest and  I feel up to new tasks. I feel like employee of the month, by way of my job description. What's next? Please feel free to leave your suggestions-what would the classified look like for "Mom"?

Please sign on the dotted line

 After eight weeks, we finally had our meeting. My husband and I sat down to discuss the rules. He was not prepared nor was it scheduled as I had originally envisioned. It honestly came after locking myself in my closet where I  punched cardboard boxes full of our winter wardrobe, and screamed just how much I hated my children through tears. I'm sure I looked beautiful. Yes, I was throwing a tantrum fit for a two year old. No, an almost thirty-five year old. I'm almost embarrassed to share this but somewhere someone might be asking "Ok, then what?" Waiting for an answer to her woes. At the moment I was ready to make an entrance back into the world that had made me so fragile in the first place, I called for a meeting. I thought of it as an interview of sorts for both parties. Nothing had been agreed upon as of yet. My bewildered husband (who had taken my place pleading with the kids to get their chores done while Mom " cooled off"), was then asked a very pointed question. "If you were placing an add for a nanny what would it say?" I had caught him off guard, unprepared. I'm so impatient, I just started drilling him, "What would the responsibilities be? Would she be a live-in? Would she have to have her own vehicle to transport the kids?"



I calmed down and then we went over it all in a more rational manner. We decided she would feed them three meals in addition to a healthy after school snack. She would do the laundry, grocery shopping, transport the children to their after school activities, do something educational-interact with the two year old at least part of the day. The hours for summer would be 7am-10pm.  We decided to enforce a new motivating chore system bribing them with a daily treat as long as they are finished within an hour of waking up, which would now be 8am as opposed to the summer custom, between 10am-noon. We also discussed consequences this part is not real clear yet rather a work in progress.



We will have a Sunday planning meeting to look at the family's schedule, to plan meals and my "days off". The plan was two 4-5 hour blocks of freedom. However, just three days into this revamped experiment I think to begin it will be one block for this girl-uninterrupted. I also think we need to rethink the hours on the clock. Fifteen for such meager pay is just not worth it.



We deliberated about different aspects of screen time and agreed on some limits, they were different for summer time versus during the school year. And many other details of our life with five personalities. Personalities we were given to figure out, shape and inspire. It was so refreshing to go over expectations, what was working and what wasn't. It was a DTF (defining of the roles).



Once the conversation ended I said "Thank you for the opportunity. I will think it over." I'm 99% sure in his mind he had imagined a submissive, naughty nanny to beg for the job. We don't always get what we want, do we.



Over the past couple of years I've had the chance to work in a few different settings, with lots of interesting people and encouraging management. I grew and enjoyed the praise I had for learning quickly and having a pleasant personality. This new job of a nanny for five, (count them one, two, three, four, five), is exhausting but I now feel it's clear what tasks I'm expected to complete every day. I will no longer roam the house surveying all that needs to be done, getting overwhelmed and then sitting on the couch with a bag of chocolate chips (which aren't even really candy) and a bag of mini marshmallows, accomplishing absolutely nothing of importance. Getting up and ready before the kids has had an immense impact on the rest of my day. It has also taken a toll on my free time and I'm asleep by 9pm. I recently quit an outside job after a three day stint and have stopped scanning the classifieds for all the jobs I know I could do. After my interview with the CEO here at Cooper Inc., I feel that I am a good candidate for this occupation and the challenges that lie ahead will be interesting and full of variables. I hope I will make a difference in this position and be recognized for my efforts (I'll have to remind him my love language is praise). I think I may even make a career out of this.