I'm just a little slow

Unintentionally Revised


When my husband and I were in the throws of the defining months of our relationship, the time when you answer the question should I stay or should I go- I remember being okay with the thought of leaving the kids behind. My sister said, "Maybe you were just supposed to give birth to them. Maybe someone else was meant to raise them." I was ready to believe that. I find that I often battle the restraints of domesticated life and flounder like a fish out of water as I try to figure out who I am and what my calling in life is. Yes, I have been here before.


I don't seem to possess the innate nurturing, loving feelings that should accompany being a parent. Sadly, I can't relate to the parents who say they would do anything for their children. This is hard to admit. At times I have to force myself to think about losing one of them to remind myself that I do care. The parents who are smitten and enamored by everything disgusting and cute about their children, are just plain annoying. However, over the past couple of months I have been watching more intently the parents around me. I've been watching people in all circumstances and with all different parenting styles. I watch to see where they acquired the gooey love from and why I don't have it.


I think part of my problem is the irresponsible spacing of our oldest four children. They were born too close together. It was enough to keep myself from drowning, treading water is exhausting. One time we left all four of them, 5 years and under, with my parents while we went on a five day cruise to Ensenada. Upon our return my mom asked, "How do you even find time to wipe your butt?".


This is pretty ridiculous but an epiphany none the less.


My kids have assumed that they have a say in if they do or don't attend family events. I've tried half heartedly to ask why they didn't want to grace us with their presence, I've attempted to validate their feelings by letting them rattle off their unreasonable complaints. My husband just simply, without argument, tells them to "GET IN THE CAR" leaving me to deal with the incessant whining. This time I was grown up enough to listen. Unanimously, the most pressing problem was that they get bored. I planned to sacrifice and packed my swim suit. I got all five kids in the pool. We had races, cannon ball wars, synchronized routines, we did handstands and underwater somersaults, we had a tea party at the bottom of the shallow end and I even took a turn down the slide-pretty sure I snagged my suit.


We had a blast. I think I learned the secret -I need to build block towers with them, get in their tree forts, play Monopoly with them (gag), watch Slugtara with them, ride bikes with them, lay on their beds and listen to their dreams, concerns, and stories. You can't love someone if you don't know them.  I was enjoying my time writing, talking on the phone, organizing closets, keeping the house clean and running smoothly, mowing the yard. I was trying to stay as uninvolved as possible this summer. I need to put in the effort to build relationships with my children and have the desire to draw closer to them. I don't think it has to be one or the other. I don't have to give up everything I love to play with them all day but I do need to give them the time of day (so they know when they have to check in).


During this time of rediscovery I know I need to better prioritize my time so that I can make memories with my kids before they slip through my fingers.