You Want Authenticity?

Everything has an equal and opposite reaction. By being so transparent in my language of all my doings and emotions I left the world to form an opinion of what, where and who I am. I somehow forgot my children were part of this world. Their friends who happen to make up a very few of my Facebook friends also were reading my confessions. I knew that Kylie had followed some of the very first posts but figured that she was no longer interested since I hadn’t heard anything about my grown up life regurgitated at the dinner table.

Kylie was unusually hostile and emotional last Sunday-even for a hormonal 14 year old. Gavin had made mention he had caught wind of the word divorce in regard to our family but, upon a short explanation was satisfied-“Oh, I must have misunderstood, ok Mom.”  Kylie had had one of the most recent blog entries pointed out to her by one of her close friends. I had failed her. I hadn’t made her privy to my darkest moments prior to making them public. I told you I was selfish, impulsive, impatient-a less than desirable mother in many ways. My admissions of sin, uncertainty of my identity, let my children down. I had given absolutely no thought to them I had only wanted to unload my pain and frustration in an effort to let go-get rid of it by throwing it as hard and far away as I possibly could. Well, I must throw like a girl or maybe my ugly ball was actually a well designed boomerang. It’s not that easy to get rid of haunting mistakes.

Now I am really paying for it. My boys argue adamantly whenever they are asked-“forced” to attend any church activity. The contention in our home most days is overwhelming and I am forced to take full credit for this one. How could I have let them down. Some may say it’s not necessarily a bad thing to question or “think for myself” but honestly in my heart of hearts I always knew where I wanted to be-close to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I recently had a vision of sorts come to the forefront of my mind. I saw myself not much unlike Tinkerbell- caught in a spider’s web. I struggled to get free. The web was my representation of the rules and restrictions of the church. All my energy was in vain like a struggle in quick sand. But then suddenly I was cut free and began to swim as fast as I could to the surface where I broke thru, a great brightness welcoming me at the top of the water. That was it. I interpreted that to represent my struggle against myself, all I have known that brings my soul peace. A struggle that I was relentless to win, but didn’t make any sense. I was trying to undo my safe, secure identity. Why did I fight so hard for my own demise. Who was I trying to prove that I knew more than-God? Why? As I then swam with all my might to the surface for a deep breath- I realized that if I put all my energy into positive things I would accomplish much and be my best me, my real me. For that was really what my search was for-my authentic self.

I believe I existed before I came to Earth, before I was born. I know I was supreme to who I am now. I know I will be restored to that intelligence in the life that follows this short one.

I am greater than I know-so are you. All the negative thoughts I tell myself at times out loud are meant to keep me from progressing and becoming stronger in the faith. “I am a horrible mother. Why try? I’m just screwing them up. I suck. I’m a loser.” These words are damaging and degenerating. I have shared such a negative voice with this world and I am truly sorry. I thought my edgy, blunt, shocking words were impressive, therapeutic. Maybe there was a reason for me to bear my soul. But I see it as a little bit of pollution. I want to be a light for good.

I am still working out early every morning. It makes me feel stronger in many ways. One of the songs during boot camp says something like “Live like a warrior. Live like you wanna. Throw yesterday in the fire and watch it burn.”  I had been searching the past for who I am. I had been trying to find out when I had left my innocence behind me. And why I felt my mistakes had a grasp on me. I had wanted desperately to go back to my youth-the time that my faith was undeniable, a time when I thought of myself as unblemished, worthy of love-to love myself. I have sunken lower than I ever have before in my life. Perhaps this is a low in my bi polar roller coaster. I truly feel like a failure. Now I am seeking for the truth, for words to uplift me and help me be my best, my real self. This journey is supposed to be about helping others but we must first help ourselves. We need to have a full bucket before we can share anything with anyone else. I feel broken. And that is why I must realign my sight on the days ahead, never look back. I am moving forward and even though I have plenty of reminders of my mistakes I need to tell myself, “You’re awesome, you can do anything. You got this. You’re awesome. You rock.” Yes, I say these things in the quiet of my room when no one else can hear me. Maybe I shouldn't hide those words any more, maybe that’s what my kids need to hear me say. And those are exactly the words I want to teach and hear them say.