Word

Mowing the lawn is one of my favorite chores. I don't even want to call it a chore it's more a privilege. I love the time to myself, my music, my thoughts uninterrupted- most of the time. It evokes some of my deepest emotions. It gets my brain going and I tap into the part of me I love most. It seems odd -it must correlate with the strenuous physical work. I always end up with blisters on my hands. We have one of the largest yards in the subdivision and our mower is not self-propelled. The upbeat music gets me moving and during water breaks I dance like nobody's watching which I sincerely hope is the case.

Today I thought how I feel a minuscule number of people I've met in the past ten years- since we've lived in Idaho-are aware of my abilities and talents. It seems all I've shown Idahoans is my CRAZY. The crazy I didn't even know was hiding inside of me. I've been all over the place. I've been trying to figure out where I fit, what it is I'm supposed to be doing, teaching these beautiful children and how to get to heaven. I've been so out of balance it is re.dic.u.lous. There are no limits just epiphanies. True for me, as I unveil my face I am permitted to see the girl in the mirror who LOVES life. I never have had body image issues-which is why it is difficult to be motivated to exercise. I have always been confident to a fault. I attribute those traits partially to my encouraging parents and the other part to me-of course. I am proud. I guess it's alright though because I have loyal friends who put up with me.

In California, at the tender age of 20, I figured out how to establish a theatre program out of nothing and completely on my own. The company has grown and is still going after 15 years. I directed a few shows through 3 pregnancies. I was amazing. I'm not trying to be conceited but by definition, I guess I am.

I'd forgotten what I could do, the things I love to do. Then I took action. I turned my back to the things that were taking up all my time and were reciprocating much less than was desirable. Guess what the result was? I'm loving life again. I have started to get paid for my writing, I have had an acting gig, I'm preparing contrasting monologues and have found a photographer to take my headshots. I need to update my resume- no hurry-I have time. I've picked up books-fiction and nonfiction alike. I am putting me first and ironically have so much more to give to my family. I never understood how that worked. My relationships with my children have become so cherished to me. I want to spend time with them and hear all about it, my patience has increased minutely (I can dream), I am learning who they are. I was so preoccupied with what I was being told to do, I couldn't even think beyond. My life was literally retarded. I stopped being me and put up a convincing facade. For what? I honestly gave it my all. And I've always known it is not the only way-its time to discover what way is my way. It's scary and unpopular and who knows I may end up 12 years later right where I began. It's time for me to see the world, study different cultures, experiment, explore, exist.

There have been numerous days in the last two weeks, I have called Troy just to report pure joy. I feel so free in making decisions all on my own. I know it must sound ludicrous to some but this is my reality. I am fully aware that not all religious persons are so zealous in keeping the commandments put forth by their ecclesiastical leaders. Personally I have a difficult time with that. I am black or white, all or nothing. Practicing only some of the suggestions coming from the pulpit doesn't make sense to me. It is hypocritical and irreverent. How can you outwardly manifest you believe something if your inner being isn't whole-heartedly behind your actions. Many people have successfully found peace in this type of lifestyle however, I am not one.

Where this journey will take me is unknown and I look forward to navigating the course. I'm excited. I have taken a huge risk, I changed something presently not working after surveying all aspects of my life. I am a doer.

Break.

Blazing the trail

I'm so glad that God doesn't build walls. He is always there to talk to and to listen to.  My heart has been filleted to increase the surface space so I can absorb the things He is trying to tell me. In the past two months, I have been intensely listening to know where to go. Daily I receive inspiration, images, impressions and the accompanying "aha" moments. It is spiritual and inspiring, freeing and challenging. Yesterday I saw myself in the rat race-rushing for deadlines, overworked, unhappy, too busy to enjoy life-then suddenly I stopped. I dropped what I was carrying, I took off my shoes and raised my hands and head up to the sky. Closing my eyes, I felt the sunshine envelop me while all the others around me kept running-heads down. I was like a stone in the river, as I stood my ground everyone, everything was diverted and I remained unmoved. I had let go of all the "shoulds" and "have tos" and it felt incredible. I'm not moving backwards. I'm also not running, racing to win. It is not a game I want to play. I want to be confident that the movement I make is deliberate and properly motivated. I want to take my time to educate myself.
One day at a time.

photo credit Ashton Cooper

Hello Beautiful

People have told me we have good kids, until recently I didn't believe that statement. Please feel free to judge me and them-that's what I like to do most.

I'm going to start with the things they don't do-they don't bully other kids, they don't always go to Sunday school, they don't always get good grades, they don't always get to school on time, they don't want to do what they are told, they don't always dress "appropriately", they don't do their chores without being yelled at, they don't always clear their dinner dishes, they don't always say please and thank you, they don't always flush the toliet, they don't always love each other, they don't always watch their language and they don't always screen their media.

And onto the things they do-they do love me when I don't deserve it, they do get out of bed and ready for school on time most days, they do thank me for cooking dinner-even if they don't eat it, they do ask for my suggestions, advice and opinions-whether they use it is beside the point, they do hang out with each other and try to accommodate one another's Netflix preferences, they do appreciate when we give them a lift and the clothing we provide, they do have worthwhile hobbies, they do try to do their own laundry, they do act crazy and fun together, they do surprise us and make us laugh, they do share their hearts and deepest thoughts with me, they do love the beach, they do try to please us, they do make us proud, they do have friends, they do look toward to the future, they do turn in their phones at night, they do rarely-randomly tell me I'm a good mom, they do give me coupons and breakfast in bed every Mother's Day, they do buy each other gifts for Christmas, they do help each other with homework, they do participate in family prayer and dinner, they do love to plan vacations, they do love having their own money and being independent whenever given the oppertunity.

The point of these lists is to show myself that I can and do love them unconditionally. For the last 15 years-give or take-I haven't allowed myself to accept them as perfectly imperfect-as they are. I have embraced a culture that I somehow twisted into a long string of "shoulds", "have tos" and a burden of expections.

Whether I placed this presumption on myself or not is irrelevant, it was my reality. I am learning the culture is different than the doctrine but if every church meeting you attend has the same feeling-those two things-culture and doctrine get blurred. It is similar to your mother's dog who reportedly only pisses in the house when you come over-provoked or not. If you only see the dog marking it's territory it is the reality to you her dog is ill-mannered and in need of obedience school. 

I felt judged to such a degree that I never saw the beauty within the people with whom I resided. I was always on edge feeling that my efforts were never enough, I should be working harder at creating a Christ centered home, at getting everyone to be missionaries at school and work, at making sure our appearance at church was that of standards (pressed shirts, combed hair), and on and on. But I couldn't ever make that happen, I was constantly failing. I know I am not alone in this self defeating cycle.

I was miserable and making my kids feel I never approved of them, they weren't enough. How is that beneficial to anyone? How does going to church bring joy? I was unable to find balance until I let go. Until I distanced myself to figure out what I truly value.

Could the church possibly be the source of all my angst and confusion about being a mother-the trapped feeling that I have been struggling with? I hadn't before given the thought room to grow I had always denied anything could be wrong with my faith. Maybe I'm the odd one out-I wouldn't be surprised.

2012