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Mowing the lawn is one of my favorite chores. I don't even want to call it a chore it's more a privilege. I love the time to myself, my music, my thoughts uninterrupted- most of the time. It evokes some of my deepest emotions. It gets my brain going and I tap into the part of me I love most. It seems odd -it must correlate with the strenuous physical work. I always end up with blisters on my hands. We have one of the largest yards in the subdivision and our mower is not self-propelled. The upbeat music gets me moving and during water breaks I dance like nobody's watching which I sincerely hope is the case.

Today I thought how I feel a minuscule number of people I've met in the past ten years- since we've lived in Idaho-are aware of my abilities and talents. It seems all I've shown Idahoans is my CRAZY. The crazy I didn't even know was hiding inside of me. I've been all over the place. I've been trying to figure out where I fit, what it is I'm supposed to be doing, teaching these beautiful children and how to get to heaven. I've been so out of balance it is re.dic.u.lous. There are no limits just epiphanies. True for me, as I unveil my face I am permitted to see the girl in the mirror who LOVES life. I never have had body image issues-which is why it is difficult to be motivated to exercise. I have always been confident to a fault. I attribute those traits partially to my encouraging parents and the other part to me-of course. I am proud. I guess it's alright though because I have loyal friends who put up with me.

In California, at the tender age of 20, I figured out how to establish a theatre program out of nothing and completely on my own. The company has grown and is still going after 15 years. I directed a few shows through 3 pregnancies. I was amazing. I'm not trying to be conceited but by definition, I guess I am.

I'd forgotten what I could do, the things I love to do. Then I took action. I turned my back to the things that were taking up all my time and were reciprocating much less than was desirable. Guess what the result was? I'm loving life again. I have started to get paid for my writing, I have had an acting gig, I'm preparing contrasting monologues and have found a photographer to take my headshots. I need to update my resume- no hurry-I have time. I've picked up books-fiction and nonfiction alike. I am putting me first and ironically have so much more to give to my family. I never understood how that worked. My relationships with my children have become so cherished to me. I want to spend time with them and hear all about it, my patience has increased minutely (I can dream), I am learning who they are. I was so preoccupied with what I was being told to do, I couldn't even think beyond. My life was literally retarded. I stopped being me and put up a convincing facade. For what? I honestly gave it my all. And I've always known it is not the only way-its time to discover what way is my way. It's scary and unpopular and who knows I may end up 12 years later right where I began. It's time for me to see the world, study different cultures, experiment, explore, exist.

There have been numerous days in the last two weeks, I have called Troy just to report pure joy. I feel so free in making decisions all on my own. I know it must sound ludicrous to some but this is my reality. I am fully aware that not all religious persons are so zealous in keeping the commandments put forth by their ecclesiastical leaders. Personally I have a difficult time with that. I am black or white, all or nothing. Practicing only some of the suggestions coming from the pulpit doesn't make sense to me. It is hypocritical and irreverent. How can you outwardly manifest you believe something if your inner being isn't whole-heartedly behind your actions. Many people have successfully found peace in this type of lifestyle however, I am not one.

Where this journey will take me is unknown and I look forward to navigating the course. I'm excited. I have taken a huge risk, I changed something presently not working after surveying all aspects of my life. I am a doer.

Break.