Going Postal

That's it! I'm a disgruntled employee. I hate my job!

How could I hate being a SAHM (stay at home mom)? Isn't this where every mom wants to be? I'm lucky to be able to stay home. I'm privileged. How can I complain about having the opportunity to be here 24/7, available to do whatever my littles need me to? I have the freedom to try new recipes, read books, repaint bedrooms, alphabetize my pantry. I was sad for those women who chose to be working moms. I thought I would gladly live with less to be home with my children. They need their mother. (Obviously if mothers are working they are absent.)

Yesterday I found myself reduced to tears a few times. It just washed over me-"I don't want to be a Mom."  And not "I don't want to do this today." I sincerely don't want this job. I have struggled with why I don't feel this overwhelming, gushy, hate when school is back in session, miss them when they're gone- love for my gaggle of kids. Years ago my sister suggested perhaps I wasn't supposed to be the one to raise my kids I was just in their lives as their birth mom. Why is that thought appealing? Because sitting at home is terribly boring- to me.  It isn't the kids. It's all that comes with them- dentist and doctor visits, homework, laundry, dishes, wiping butts, volunteering to help with their sports, schools, activities. I don't like to do any of it.

My wonderful black and white personality helped me decide once I had a baby my role was to stay home and care for her. I'm upset I put such limits on myself. I'm upset I didn't keep learning more than how to get household chores done at least once a month and to stretch $2000 farther than anyone ever has before. Of course the church justified that thinking "...fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children...Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World 7th paragraph) For the first time I'm starting to understand the feelings behind women's lib. Why should I be the one who feels like my income better be a lot more than it would cost to pay for day care. Why am I the one that "gets to" stay home. With no college degrees in our house aren't I just as capable of making an income as Troy? In some ways I feel like I wasted my brain. Just like my singing voice which has escaped me from lack of exercise, my math skills are vanishing, I am ages behind my peers in terms of technology and computer programming, I never learned a trade should I have to support myself. It is a scary, trapped feeling.

Do I dare say it would be better for Louie to go to day care where screen time would be limited, she'd have peer interaction and she'd be given instruction and snacks and I might be happier in the work place, motivated by competition, socializing with adults, discovering skills I didn't know I possessed?

I feel relieved to realize it's the job. I don't have to like the work to love my family. I've been in this position for over 15 years now.  I'm ready to try something different.

I can be patient. This school year is underway-Louie is in an amazing preschool. I have found a couple of part time jobs to give me something to do on occasion and in pursuing the acting scene I'm finding more opportunities to develop myself. Next year is another story-all day kindergarten? Yes, please. Go back to college? Maybe. What do I want to be when I grow up? It's time to figure it out.

Is it that obvious?

I'm just going to say it

The posts where I reveal to my audience more of me and the posts that are controversial as well as vulnerable are what make my blog mine.I haven't hidden much- what have I got to lose? What- if anything- am I hiding?

Well...I drink. This may not seem like a big deal to most but it is something when Troy proofs my blogs he asks me to remove. He doesn't feel like the information should go public. We've planned to keep this fact from the kids but you know what? I'm pretty sure when we come home late and I say things that don't make sense-they know.What is the logic for keeping it hush hush? Is it the idea that they have been taught all their little lives that the church says it's wrong and if I come right out and say it they will become so confused that they will binge drink and end up with alcohol poisoning? I might-but I hope they are never as socially retarded as I am.

I am precisely 15 years behind my peers. For my 21st birthday my party loving mom gave me a great big surprise party. She served "near beer"- O'Doul's. I was mortified. What would my Mormon friends think? The very appearance of evil was supposed to be avoided and here it was being served to my friends, church acquaintances, my in-laws. I guess I wanted the appearance of a good Mormon heritage? Why did it bother me? It shouldn't have. 
Here we were with our six month old baby girl- we were headed down the path of righteousness- more babies, more responsibilities, more joy. 

But what if -what if I had used my talents? What if I had continued my theater education? What if I hadn't quit my job? What if? I've played this game many times over the past few months obviously I can't beat it- I can't win. I find myself angry. Angry that I didn't think. I did not think things through. My impulses won every time as I am always in the need to be doing. Hurry go ahead get married. Hurry go ahead have a baby. Hurry have another and another. I knew where I was "supposed" to be going.

And now I see the path didn't have to be so straight and narrow in fact some of my choices- choices made for righteousness sake were not right. So I guess I'm just catching up. I'm finding where my limits are. I'm discovering what I love and what I truly hate. I'm trying new things. I'm letting go. 

I know it is ridiculous, I have a very blessed life. I have an amazing husband who deserves the best this world can give. We have five beautiful, healthy children. Why would I possibly wish for anything other?

I don't wish for something else I just feel that my decisions weren't all my own. Of course they were all my own but with a heavy religious influence. I feared if I didn't fulfill certain responsibilities I would not... Would not what? Not go to heaven? Not love my life? Not be considered a good woman? Not live up to my potential? I had let myself believe that if I didn't have a large family I wasn't doing what I had been born to do. That is insane.

And now I am having to take inventory of my choices. I'm needing to find peace with where I am. I'm having to choose all over again.

I've always liked drinking. It's what officially got me kicked out of BYU. It's one of the reasons I look forward to our weekend dates. It makes me happy. Cheers and thank you Troy for being my personal driver.