I'm just going to say it

The posts where I reveal to my audience more of me and the posts that are controversial as well as vulnerable are what make my blog mine.I haven't hidden much- what have I got to lose? What- if anything- am I hiding?

Well...I drink. This may not seem like a big deal to most but it is something when Troy proofs my blogs he asks me to remove. He doesn't feel like the information should go public. We've planned to keep this fact from the kids but you know what? I'm pretty sure when we come home late and I say things that don't make sense-they know.What is the logic for keeping it hush hush? Is it the idea that they have been taught all their little lives that the church says it's wrong and if I come right out and say it they will become so confused that they will binge drink and end up with alcohol poisoning? I might-but I hope they are never as socially retarded as I am.

I am precisely 15 years behind my peers. For my 21st birthday my party loving mom gave me a great big surprise party. She served "near beer"- O'Doul's. I was mortified. What would my Mormon friends think? The very appearance of evil was supposed to be avoided and here it was being served to my friends, church acquaintances, my in-laws. I guess I wanted the appearance of a good Mormon heritage? Why did it bother me? It shouldn't have. 
Here we were with our six month old baby girl- we were headed down the path of righteousness- more babies, more responsibilities, more joy. 

But what if -what if I had used my talents? What if I had continued my theater education? What if I hadn't quit my job? What if? I've played this game many times over the past few months obviously I can't beat it- I can't win. I find myself angry. Angry that I didn't think. I did not think things through. My impulses won every time as I am always in the need to be doing. Hurry go ahead get married. Hurry go ahead have a baby. Hurry have another and another. I knew where I was "supposed" to be going.

And now I see the path didn't have to be so straight and narrow in fact some of my choices- choices made for righteousness sake were not right. So I guess I'm just catching up. I'm finding where my limits are. I'm discovering what I love and what I truly hate. I'm trying new things. I'm letting go. 

I know it is ridiculous, I have a very blessed life. I have an amazing husband who deserves the best this world can give. We have five beautiful, healthy children. Why would I possibly wish for anything other?

I don't wish for something else I just feel that my decisions weren't all my own. Of course they were all my own but with a heavy religious influence. I feared if I didn't fulfill certain responsibilities I would not... Would not what? Not go to heaven? Not love my life? Not be considered a good woman? Not live up to my potential? I had let myself believe that if I didn't have a large family I wasn't doing what I had been born to do. That is insane.

And now I am having to take inventory of my choices. I'm needing to find peace with where I am. I'm having to choose all over again.

I've always liked drinking. It's what officially got me kicked out of BYU. It's one of the reasons I look forward to our weekend dates. It makes me happy. Cheers and thank you Troy for being my personal driver.