That's it! I'm a disgruntled employee. I hate my job!
How could I hate being a SAHM (stay at home mom)? Isn't this where every mom wants to be? I'm lucky to be able to stay home. I'm privileged. How can I complain about having the opportunity to be here 24/7, available to do whatever my littles need me to? I have the freedom to try new recipes, read books, repaint bedrooms, alphabetize my pantry. I was sad for those women who chose to be working moms. I thought I would gladly live with less to be home with my children. They need their mother. (Obviously if mothers are working they are absent.)Yesterday I found myself reduced to tears a few times. It just washed over me-"I don't want to be a Mom." And not "I don't want to do this today." I sincerely don't want this job. I have struggled with why I don't feel this overwhelming, gushy, hate when school is back in session, miss them when they're gone- love for my gaggle of kids. Years ago my sister suggested perhaps I wasn't supposed to be the one to raise my kids I was just in their lives as their birth mom. Why is that thought appealing? Because sitting at home is terribly boring- to me. It isn't the kids. It's all that comes with them- dentist and doctor visits, homework, laundry, dishes, wiping butts, volunteering to help with their sports, schools, activities. I don't like to do any of it.
My wonderful black and white personality helped me decide once I had a baby my role was to stay home and care for her. I'm upset I put such limits on myself. I'm upset I didn't keep learning more than how to get household chores done at least once a month and to stretch $2000 farther than anyone ever has before. Of course the church justified that thinking "...fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children...Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World 7th paragraph) For the first time I'm starting to understand the feelings behind women's lib. Why should I be the one who feels like my income better be a lot more than it would cost to pay for day care. Why am I the one that "gets to" stay home. With no college degrees in our house aren't I just as capable of making an income as Troy? In some ways I feel like I wasted my brain. Just like my singing voice which has escaped me from lack of exercise, my math skills are vanishing, I am ages behind my peers in terms of technology and computer programming, I never learned a trade should I have to support myself. It is a scary, trapped feeling.
Do I dare say it would be better for Louie to go to day care where screen time would be limited, she'd have peer interaction and she'd be given instruction and snacks and I might be happier in the work place, motivated by competition, socializing with adults, discovering skills I didn't know I possessed?
I can be patient. This school year is underway-Louie is in an amazing preschool. I have found a couple of part time jobs to give me something to do on occasion and in pursuing the acting scene I'm finding more opportunities to develop myself. Next year is another story-all day kindergarten? Yes, please. Go back to college? Maybe. What do I want to be when I grow up? It's time to figure it out.
Is it that obvious?
Not all moms are ment to stay home, in fact I think there are some moms who are better off for themselves and their family to go to work. Maybe you should do it, maybe you would find that happy place within yourself. You need to do what works for you. Stop blaming others for your choices and get out there and make decisions for yourself. You'll be much happier!
ReplyDelete