I know one day this post will embarrass me but for now it's raw

I'm not sure what possessed me to want to share my struggles this way. Perhaps it is the simple fact that I  am an "attention whore".

I find that I can't do two things for very long. I can't mother and work at the same time. I'm just not good like that. I left my job teaching snotty nosed preschoolers the fundsmentals of drama. I'm not sure why. I believe it was the unnerving stress. I was consistently at the mercy of the business. It controlled me, ruled me, was with me the way heavy debt will cling to you and go for a ride on your back until you can get rid of it. Now I find myself questioning my worth. What am I good at? What do I have to offer? I'm not skilled or educated and worse yet I don't want to work. I want to be there for my kids more. I don't want the guilt associated with my absense. Is that unrealistic though?

Is it simply the fact that I can't seem to change my ideal to what is reality? I don't want to work- I took the baby train to nowhere and now I feel the place I'm most qualified is at home. Do you know what it feels like to work for minimum wage? Like shit. Especially when you're pushing 40. Now I sound like an ungrateful human (to say the least). What have I done?

What I really crave, more than money, is peace. As I typed those words I realized the two are inseparately linked.

I'm lost once again. From my brief plight with ShiningStars I don't think I want to teach at all. I don't know what I want to be. I'd honestly rather crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I know I'm dramatic. Which I think the experience may also have ruined acting for me. The weird thing is I'm damn good at what I was doing. It was just so uncomfortable. I think I made a huge mistake. Edit for clarification: The ShiningStars job was NOT a minimum wage gig, it was legit.Then there is Troy who always knows what to say, "It's okay. What's done is done. Don't look back." And "if it had been set up differently from the beginning I think you would've done just fine."

So onwards and upwards. I feel like I'm stripping myself back to nothing again and that I better be the best damn mom and wife and part time student the world has ever seen- why else would I deserve the luxury of voluntary unemployment?

I'm also wanting guidance. I've been conditioned to follow rules, a path, a plan and right now I can't seem to find one for the life of me. I've been pretending to be my grandma the last couple days hence the no make up FB post. I know it sounds weird but I thought maybe if I simplify things I could be happy. So I've put down my phone probably 50% more than usual, I made sure there was not a dish in the sink (immediately following dinner instead of after watching a show), I've been wearing my glasses and going sans earrings. I know it's strange but I'm grasping for the calm and PEACE she exudes. I just want to feel whole. I want to love myself and know that I am enough- but how? I'll gladly take suggestions.

Trigger warning: If you find yourself easily offended turn back now

Birthday shenanigans

In my former days I had closed many a book, walked out of a live production, turned off the tv, changed the radio station, ended friendships, ended relationships, put distance between myself and family members, avoided certain places, avoided certain people and even asked a professor to make an exception for me in a lit class.

Last month I attended a lecture at BSU. The speaker spoke of trigger warnings. I had never heard of the term so I had yet to form an opinion. At first I thought well maybe that's a kind gesture to give warning to readers -discretion is advised. Trigger warnings could be compared to well meaning friends who try to help you keep the standards you've exclaimed you are required to live. For example I was warned about OITNB. I've been excluded from get togethers because I wasn't a drinker. Well meaning but when you dive into the subject of trigger warnings you realize they are only producing an illusion of safety.

And as I watched football with Troy today I became angry again. Angry that I don't want to work, that I don't have endurance for work, that I wasn't taught how important and necessary it is to work. I am capable of so much but I never thought I'd have to do it. Surrounded by Mormon women whose husbands finished school and got real good jobs so they could stay home and craft and create and be fun moms. They were my role models. They were my unattainable inspiration for life. After all it was my job to nurture the children, that was what the Lord had asked me to do. And I didn't fight it. I had faith we'd make it on one income. I knew if we paid a full tithe we would miraculously have enough to cover the bills everything would be alright if we were keeping the pluthora of commandments. I thought motherhood was the hardest thing and I was going to try my best to be the best. Ha! Motherhood alone is easy. Being a working mom is fucking hard. However, everyone does it. That is how life is. Why did I believe I shouldn't have to help provide for our brood? And my hours may total 40+ but at least I'm at home for a lot of those. No I currently don't have to work nights or weekends. This job will eventually be financially beneficial (or so I've been told). I just struggle with finding a balance and I'm angry because I feel way behind. I have friends that have been teaching for years, friends who have retirement funds and important positions and education and lots of skills. Yes- I can make bread from scratch and multi task like a boss but come on those are not serious transferable skills. I wasn't prepared for plan B. I thought my only job was to have babies and care for them. I understood that "the most important work I would ever do would be within the walls of my own home" meant I was to be present there as much as possible, I believed that was what I was born to do- be a mom. So I didn't learn marketable skills and I never attempted to get a real job or finish my college education until now. I know lots of people have walked this path before me but I hope my children don't follow me. I hope they figure out who they are before they bring children into their lives. I hope they learn how to work and find good jobs they enjoy. I guess that's essentially what I'm doing- teaching my kids by example.

Back to the term trigger warnings. Keeping you from seeing or reading something that might be offensive is creating an illusion of safety. You will not always get a fair warning before something horrifying falls in your lap. I realized a long time ago LIFE  is R rated! So with all the guidelines or commandments given by the church there is only an illusion of safety. You can not protect your children from everything nor should you try. Because then they will end up ill prepared for the real world where things don't usually come easy, things are rarely what you expect and you can not control anything!

So no I don't believe books, articles, Facebook pages should use trigger warnings. If you don't like something do what I used to do put it down, walk away, turn it off. It is not up to the author to watch out for your feelings. Writing whether it be a screenplay, a blog post or a novel is meant to be a means of self expression. Don't sensor me. After all there is no way to avoid reality. Life is messy, life is hard make sure your children learn that before they leave you or they will wonder why they feel unsuccessful and without a place in the world.