I'm not sure what possessed me to want to share my struggles this way. Perhaps it is the simple fact that I am an "attention whore".
I find that I can't do two things for very long. I can't mother and work at the same time. I'm just not good like that. I left my job teaching snotty nosed preschoolers the fundsmentals of drama. I'm not sure why. I believe it was the unnerving stress. I was consistently at the mercy of the business. It controlled me, ruled me, was with me the way heavy debt will cling to you and go for a ride on your back until you can get rid of it. Now I find myself questioning my worth. What am I good at? What do I have to offer? I'm not skilled or educated and worse yet I don't want to work. I want to be there for my kids more. I don't want the guilt associated with my absense. Is that unrealistic though?
Is it simply the fact that I can't seem to change my ideal to what is reality? I don't want to work- I took the baby train to nowhere and now I feel the place I'm most qualified is at home. Do you know what it feels like to work for minimum wage? Like shit. Especially when you're pushing 40. Now I sound like an ungrateful human (to say the least). What have I done?
What I really crave, more than money, is peace. As I typed those words I realized the two are inseparately linked.
I'm lost once again. From my brief plight with ShiningStars I don't think I want to teach at all. I don't know what I want to be. I'd honestly rather crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I know I'm dramatic. Which I think the experience may also have ruined acting for me. The weird thing is I'm damn good at what I was doing. It was just so uncomfortable. I think I made a huge mistake. Edit for clarification: The ShiningStars job was NOT a minimum wage gig, it was legit.Then there is Troy who always knows what to say, "It's okay. What's done is done. Don't look back." And "if it had been set up differently from the beginning I think you would've done just fine."
So onwards and upwards. I feel like I'm stripping myself back to nothing again and that I better be the best damn mom and wife and part time student the world has ever seen- why else would I deserve the luxury of voluntary unemployment?
I'm also wanting guidance. I've been conditioned to follow rules, a path, a plan and right now I can't seem to find one for the life of me. I've been pretending to be my grandma the last couple days hence the no make up FB post. I know it sounds weird but I thought maybe if I simplify things I could be happy. So I've put down my phone probably 50% more than usual, I made sure there was not a dish in the sink (immediately following dinner instead of after watching a show), I've been wearing my glasses and going sans earrings. I know it's strange but I'm grasping for the calm and PEACE she exudes. I just want to feel whole. I want to love myself and know that I am enough- but how? I'll gladly take suggestions.
I questioned my worth as a mom.i had always worked, since I was 15 years old at the public library. I even worked the first two years of our marriage. But having two kids those two years and the endless health battle I'm facing, on top of the promoting I received to stay home with my kids, has been difficult. I AM educated, but I can't work, and even if I could, I would choose to stay home with the kids. We barely make it by with Adam's summer job and the rest is grants and loans. We're racking up school debt just to support th e family. I feel guilty, like a failure. I finally found peace when I decided that being a Mom was my job. I treat it like my job. Some days are crazy, but I have turned into this Pioneer woman that I never wanted to be but I have voy d that I really actually...love it. Granted, I only have two kids, ages 2 and 1, but it gives me satisfaction to make bread from scratch once a week, play with and teach my kids the way I did as a teacher, make my own everything, including soap: dishwasher, laundry, shampoo, body, etc. I used to hate cooking, baking, and I Hate doing dishes (who doesnt?). I never learned to can but I'm teaching myself now. I'm trying to make the best of what I have right now. I shower every 4 days, I rarely wear makeup, and I don't look a thing like I did when I got married, but, suddenly, I'm feeling more worthwhile than I have in a long time. (It could also be the mood stabilizer meds I'm on though ;) Some day, I hope my health improves so I can go back to work, but I truly do love being a Mom, even though some days I Hate it.
ReplyDeleteReagan- Thank you for being so open. I've always thought the world of you.
DeleteIt's our Virgoism , we are so hard on ourselves. Picture you expecting all u do from urself from any family member or friend. Would you ever feel towards them like u do now if they were you, I'm pretty sure it's no , so why are we so damn hard on ourselves? Try jus being kind to urself. I started holistic therapy, creative healing. I like it thus far. Love you girl.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lisa. That's a great perspective to have. You're right I would not judge or expect as much out of anyone else.
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