How sad

                                                                 Photo Credit: Ashton Cooper          

It seems the right time to post again. It's somewhat like a "ruben timer". I just feel it. It's time to flip the sandwich.

So, I've been home for about a week and a half. Last week Troy and I started a new job together. There is a new building in Star. It is an urgent care with nine exam rooms, a break room, a couple of offices, desks, a small lab, xray. It's super easy to clean and only takes us about an hour. It is so nice to do something that takes absolutely no prep, no thinking, no human interaction. It's comparable to mowing the lawn. It's an uninterrupted music sesh. I must say I love it. It provides for Louie's kinder tuition and, if a spot should become available, Ashton's parkour.

They say if you want something done ask a busy person. Well, don't ask me to do anything. I have an inappropriate, mature, R-rated show to binge on Netflix, I have cookies to make and eat, I have homework to procrastinate, I have long showers to take and life to contemplate. I haven't taken up napping -yet.

There are actually a lot of benefits to being an unemployed mom. I am home when the kids are. I get to supervise them, while they are occupied in their bedrooms or otherwise in the neighborhood, from the comfort of my couch. I've come to enjoy tutoring them on math and life. I am thrilled I can make their ortho, med, and well check appointments any day at any time and be able to take them- except for today. I am making dinner and cleaning but I am not busy- all the kids are gone and six hours isn't enough to indulge in me time. I think I've died and gone to heaven. (Funny- money is still an issue up here.)

There are other perks to being rid of the association with a preschool program. I can have my FaceBook, and my blog for that matter, back to myself. It may seem weird but, I'm pretty sure everyone who contemplates signing their kids up for a program, looks up the instructor. I felt like I had to be careful of what I posted. It felt like a restriction and we all know how I feel about being restrained. Hence the somewhat drunk sounding post from Sunday night's concert venue. Carefree. Beware of cursing I might not feel like editing. Consider yourself warned.

I was talking to a friend recently who was confiding in me about some PTs (past transgressions) and she made the comment that these things are something she wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about while she was in the situation. I immediately thought of how my blog couldn't be any more in the present. This shit is real and happening right now.

And onto my spiritual journey. I woke up this morning with a recollection of last night's dream. My brother-in-law was married to someone different and we were at my in-laws house. It was General Conference weekend (when the Prophet and others give council to the Mormon church from Utah and it is broadcast on television it only happens twice a year) and my mother-in-law was trying not to cause any uncomfortable situations and so she didn't turn on the TV. Ironically that made me feel more uncomfortable because I knew she really wanted to watch what the leaders of the LDS church were going to reveal to their more faithful members. I told her not to worry about me and that she should turn it on. But I was sure to let her know I hadn't changed my mind and said "I still think it's a crock of shit." I looked at my sister-in-law not sister-in-law and asked her the question that got me where I am today. "Do you think you are better than me? Do you think by doing certain things you are somehow more loved by God?" I didn't allow her to answer and said "Don't you think God loves all of his children?" Then an image of the world burning came to my brain and I saw myself engulfed in flames but I wasn't the least bit scared. People on earth have been burned alive- it happens. What ever is going to happen will happen. I refuse to live in fear. I was somewhat surprised that my dreams weren't of a different perspective. After all the years I spent as a devout Mormon I assumed the paths my neuro transmitters took would be for the other team, of a more religious nature. There was once when I was speaking to my sister-in-law that I wavered and it crossed my mind that by voicing my opinion I wouldn't ever be able to renege and would be cast out no matter what. It's so odd how something once so dear could become so silly to me now. So I will continue on my path to seek ways to connect to the deeper parts of myself. I consider myself agnostic at this point but open. I'm looking to feel approval of my decisions from a bigger source however I'm not really sure that that even matters. I'm the one that has to live with whatever consequences come and those are usually pretty obvious even before one makes the choice.

Still as contradictory and unpredictable as ever. You can call me Stephanie.