Perfection

Because tomorrow is the day.

One of the things I lost when leaving the church was a clearly defined path. And without a demanding work schedule I find myself idle and drifting, often unmotivated. So recently I've tried out all these little weird ideas. Last week it was a rotation of 20 minutes each with a focus on different roles such as: self, wife, mother, student and so on. Twenty minutes seemed the perfect amount of time to not get stuck or bored. I really liked it for a couple of days but honestly routines just don't stick very well with me.

I also have tried emulating people. Using the WW_D formula plugging in different people I admired. This morning I tried to think who I might want to be as I was getting dressed and I realized I'm not that terrible of a person to be. So I tried on my favorite fall three-quarter length tshirt and jeans and thought about the traits that make up my unique personality. The first thing to stick out I hadn't thought of for awhile- I'm a perfectionist. Sure you wouldn't be able to tell that from a peak into my living room from the front porch or from a sample of my handwriting well shit nothing I do resembles perfect but I definitely have a vision of the ideal and when I'm feeling zealous I attempt to make things just so. I like to do things the right way. I know it seems silly but I do believe there is a right way to do just about everything from folding shirts to driving to bathing to making a cup of joe to spelling words. And this girl likes to be shown the right way. Most things only need one round of instruction but as they say- knowing is half the battle. I love to scan Pinterest for how tos and secret life hacks. I can vividly remember my mom showing me how to dry off after a shower. Flipping your hair over, working from head to toe, one leg at a time and finishing with a tight turban. I should've taught my kids maybe then the bath mat wouldn't be so squishy and the floor might be dry after they use it. Ah-probably not.

The second thought to this sequence was why don't I do things perfectly? The answer is I have too many things to do. I can't invest the time to do each thing as good as I know how. I simply can not give two fucks about most of the tiny tasks that envelop my day with 5 children, a husband and school. And I am fully aware most people find themselves in the same situation with thousands of decisions to make- most in a split second everyday. I've come to appreciate the ability to let go of ....most everything.

So we do our best and delegate as much as we can, satisfied with mediocre as long as the job gets done. And slow down on occasion to focus on the present and put in an A+ effort.

And maybe it isn't perfectionism at all- maybe it's a preference for situations I can control. So when life gets paralyzingly overwhelming I can be found untangling my necklaces or dumping out the junk drawer or refolding my disheveled clothes or finishing another season of Shameless.