Worth Noting

 I made these ugly ass bird feeders today. I was in flow (keeping my intention to be more creative in 2023). These are my favorite types of activities. It is ritual-last year at the beginning of January I started feeding the birds for the season. It is therapeutic-as my fingers dug into the crunchy peanut butter I healed a part of me that says I’m not fun. It was frugal- empty tp rolls, pb no one in the house was eating, and cornmeal that didn’t fit into the pantry container. It was inspired- thinking about the natural world  as something to interact with is a fairly new concept to me and a passion to learn about. Overall, it felt a little bit odd and that is exactly what I enjoyed about it most. Alone, in my kitchen, as the wind whips outside and Dylan prepares to transfer to a new school the last semester of his senior year.

2023 is like DMT*! Hold on!

*I have never done DMT but from what I’ve heard it is a fast, deep ride you are not able to steer. And I have felt that way for almost the entirety of 2023.

In one week we have moved two of our adult kids, one of them got their wisdom teeth removed, one kid was stranded in an airport over night, there was an infected tattoo that needed an urgent care visit, a 5 day suspension  from school, we’ve had an extra dog all week and a new mattress that is delivering less than the best sleeps. 

Life is ups and downs and way more complex than imaginable. The challenges are no longer scary but welcome. I have learned how to see life through a new lens. My confidence is beginning to return. (I remembered why I lost my confidence. I was such a stalwart Latter Day Saint for so many years. I dedicated my entire being to the church. Upon leaving I felt lost. I didn’t think I would ever want to be a leader or in charge of anything ever again. How could I?! I had been so wrong about so many things. I was embarrassed about my life choices. Who gets married at 18 and has four kids by 25?! Religious zealots, that’s who.) By becoming aware of and accepting more of my dark parts I am also more aware of my talents and light!

Contemplating where I am in the grand scheme of things, I am able to see I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I work extremely part time in child care. I was meditating earlier this week to identify what I truly want, perhaps set some goals for myself. And my first thought was I can’t believe I’m only doing child care at this point. Then I kept on that thought and realized it is my area of expertise. I have been a mother for 22+ years. I know how to run a household. And children are magical beings. They are. What a privilege to spend time playing with them, listening to them, seeing them. 

In working on getting to know myself better I recently admitted I sometimes feel like a failure. By society’s standards I failed. I didn’t finish college, I didn’t make a career for myself, we have a modest home and vehicles, we don’t have any toys, we still use a budget, our house isn’t perfectly decorated, etc. But comparison is the thief of joy. If I sit and look longer I know I did not fail I just took a different route. We are wealthy in family, friends and opportunity. The level of relationship I share with each of my children isn’t worth trading for anything. I am beyond blessed that Troy has always supported me staying home or going to work. I keep getting called home and that is where the biggest growth has happened. I’m still learning to love myself and my family just the way we are.

Although I’d appreciate life to be slower and more peaceful, I’ve discovered I have developed the tools to take a challenging situation and make it okay. In the past I know I would’ve yelled a lot more, said a lot more things I didn’t mean, been a lot less compassionate this week. I want to say I’m proud of myself. I’ve made the choice to look in the mirror and do better. I’m breaking generational patterns. That is no easy task. I’m letting go of negative narratives about myself. We are healing as a family and that is more than enough for me.

Here are my intentions for 2023.

Cultivate more love and kindness for all, especially myself.

I want to witness my life without judgement.

I want to continue to face my fears and by so doing, overcome them.

I want to have a regular gratitude practice.

My four guiding words for the year (according to the first four I saw in a word search on Facebook):

CREATION*CONNECTION*ALIGNMENT*CHANGE

Puberty

Recently while in California visiting my parents, my mom mentioned to me that I have high expectations. Her tone suggested it was something out of balance that warranted my time and reflection. This week I have been  more aware and made some adjustments. 

My thoughts were simply that my level of cleanliness, my standard of completing a job, my intent and care isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. I know, of course it isn’t the same for everyone. But by reminding myself of this it’s allowed me to have more grace for my family. 

While I’m enjoying my front porch coffee, I realized that I made our home a stressful place for many years. I had this vision in my head, this illusion of perfection. And the only tactics I used in my attempts to obtain order were yelling, threats and punishment. Furthermore, the perfection I thought I wanted is the literal opposite of reality. Reality is messy and beautiful. I now think of my role as Organizer of Chaos. I want my children to feel supported in their unique view of this world. It is fascinating when you learn to really listen how differently we all receive the same information. And for years I was actively trying to mold them into what I wanted them to be. The pressure I put on them is damaging, I know because I was also applying it to myself. 

But I was so good at it! I always had straight A’s, I loved school and church and choir. I was the epitome of a good girl. And when I did mess up with boys or the occasional drink/smoke I would sometimes repent and sometimes sweep it under the rug. But I couldn’t process shame so I would pretend it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t admit fault I would move on. To this day I have such a hard time being accountable for my actions when they aren’t favorable. I had an image to uphold, a reputation to keep. And I made a lot of mistakes in trying to maintain. I’ve come to learn I wasn’t in alignment with my highest self. I was internally at war. I was a caged bird.

Leaving the church, learning the art of letting go, and radical self acceptance have given me life. The peace, contentment and gratitude I feel on a daily basis floors me. I am truly living my best life. And I feel more equipped to parent authentically, with capacity to keep a safe space for my children and connect on a much deeper level. I am in want of nothing, I finally find joy in my station in life. I have found the tools to better self regulate my emotions. I’m grateful for opportunity for growth even though that usually means pain. I’m learning to push through the discomfort because it’s always better on the other side. I guess you could say I’m finally growing up. 

Unsolicited Advice

I’m finally figuring it all out! It’s as if a map made just for me (in MY language, so I can read it) has just been unfurled before me. And the most important instructions are to LET IT GO. It is such a fool’s errand to be in pursuit of control. I have fought trying to control my children, my spouse, my family, my friends, situations, and environments my entire life. I had expectations I wanted to fulfill. The truth of the matter is we

are not, nor will we ever be in control of anything other than how we choose to act/react. That’s it.

Kylie and Michael are such good examples to me of letting go. We went on an adventure this past weekend that went south. Basically, we drove two hours to see something really cool but drove home without getting to see it. I couldn’t believe their positivity. It didn’t even ruffle their feathers! They didn’t complain, they didn’t blame they just simply were along for the ride. It helped me see how emotional I make situations that don’t warrant that much energy. (I’m still having a hard time letting go of it!)

The lens I see through today is bright and multicolored. It feels me with joy, love and peace. And life is easy and simple. It truly is. To get here I have to constantly choose to accept life as it is. 

Right now that means I’m not driving because my right foot is in a boot. I don’t know how long it will take to heal but I’ve accepted that. I’m not sad about what I can’t do instead, I’m leaning into a slower pace and allowing myself time to fully heal. I have time to connect with my kids, reflect on my choices and figure out how I want to live my life. I am at peace with it.

My children might make choices that will produce unpleasant outcomes but unless they ask for my advice or permission, I can’t stop them (and even then, they are free to act against my suggestions). But everything we experience is either a success or a lesson. To me both of those options are a win. Some lessons are uglier, harder to endure or even life altering but our kids lives are theirs, not ours. Inhibiting their ability to fail is ultimately stunting.

Letting go also means taking responsibility for my life. I can’t blame anyone else for where I am. It’s not anyone else’s fault that I didn’t finish college, was actively involved in a cult until I was 35, and had an affair. Those were my choices and I learned from them, experienced the natural consequences that accompanied my choices, and have been led to the path I’m on today. We, so often, get in our own way. Interestingly, we’re the only ones who have the power to do that to ourselves. Happily, we also have the power to lift ourselves to freedom and enlightenment.

Equally important to learning to let go is to be honest. So many people are lying to themselves. We tend to cling tightly to beliefs that have been passed down to us even though our own thoughts may not align. Some of us were evenly actively taught when our own thoughts differed from the church or our parents or our peers that we were wrong. That shame is what kept us from exploring and loving ourselves. These patterns are hard to break because we learned them when we were impressionable children. I absolutely love doing the inner work of identifying my core values. I love questioning practically my every thought and deciding why I feel the way I do. Am I thoughtlessly repeating old patterns my parents gave me or have I decided to do something for myself?

It takes time to discover who I am. It took slowing down enough to ponder on my choices. Why did I choose to elevate situations when I could’ve handled them calmly? For example, here are my thoughts for coming home to a messy house. 1) Who cares, we aren’t expecting company and if someone stops by unannounced they’ll see we don’t always have a perfect house. 2) Did I intentionally give the family clear expectations? 3) I might choose to be disappointed with myself for not teaching them more, being more strict while they were younger. Which would lead to becoming irritable because I would tell myself I was/am a shitty mom. 4) I now realize yes and, I did my best, if I want help I can ask them and they will help nine times out of ten without me having to yell or threaten them. 5) My lesson from this weekend if you give things enough time they will resolve themselves.

Most things aren’t worth worrying about. Everything will turn out exactly as it should.

It’s crazy to me that life is so simple and yet so difficult. It is important to be self aware and understand how you are received. You might be surprised how your words and actions are interpreted, it is worth discovering and adjusting. For years I was so self absorbed I didn’t have the capacity to see my short comings. I was insecure and afraid to admit fault. I am seven years out of the church and am still unveiling truths regularly. Truths I was kept too busy to learn. I chose to be constantly in service to “God.” It meant not listening to myself. All I had to do was what I thought God wanted per his “only true church”. (Going to the temple, reading the scriptures daily, praying, serving in the church, blah, blah, blah). But see there’s the problem. We are God/Love/. So if you stifle your own voice by trying to adhere to someone else’s standards/values you eventually can’t hear it anymore. You are constantly battling yourself. Because we were taught the natural man is an enemy to God. I believe our uniqueness is to be celebrated. Diversity is key to a thriving community. All we need to learn can be found in the natural world.

Letting go also means acknowledging that someone else’s choice is best for them. Just because you would’ve done something differently doesn’t mean you need to put judgement on a situation. Let it go. If it isn’t hurting anyone, why does it matter? And if it does directly effect you, how can you handle the situation with love? Often issues can be resolved through transparent, honest communication. That requires both parties to have the confidence and awareness to speak honestly. And to feel safe to do so. Which means both parties have to have spent time in meditation about the issue. Often we don’t take the time to really process a situation before reacting, choosing a side or making up our minds about someone. As we learn more about ourselves it becomes easier to make the most aligned decisions. And as we learn to listen to ourselves we can in turn listen more presently to others and are able to discern between truth and lies. 

“I am loving awareness.” -Ram Dass

And that has been my stream of consciousness for the afternoon. 

An Apology

Last week, during one of our deep and meaningful family discussions, Kylie said, “So that’s why you didn’t love us.” 

It has taken some time for me to process her comment. I can make all the excuses I want. “I wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self.”, “I was brainwashed.”, “I was in survival mode.”  But all of the excuses don’t take away the pain I caused my family. No matter what my intentions were my past actions caused my children and my husband some very real, deep scars. 

A dear friend of ours warned me after my first blog posts of the damage my words might do. I scoffed at her sentiment believing my writing was in the name of my “healing”. I felt justified to slam motherhood. I had been tricked. All the Mormon women surrounding me made it look so easy and fun!

For years I struggled with being domestic and as I’m learning to embrace all of myself, I’ve been shown how much harm that struggle has caused. The trauma of having a spouse or mother consistently threatening to leave is part of their stories. 

I am now to the place in my journey where clarity shows up for moments at a time. I’m beginning to do the work on my dark side. I am not an easy person to live with, create a life with (surprise, surprise). Not only do I not have all the answers, I am just now developing my own set of morals. I am awakening to all that is possible including the infinite ways to journey through life.

I am sorry for making Troy, Kylie, Gavin, Ashton, Dylan and Louie doubt their own self worth. Each one of you hold gifts without measure. I am sorry I projected my own self hatred upon our beautiful home. I am sorry I got caught up in my ego to the degree that I almost lost you dear family. 

Please know I am working at loving myself daily. And in so doing my capacity to love everyone is expanding. I am excited to push myself and my limited perspective. The work to undo the trauma has begun and I can assure you I am diligently trying to create new ways of communicating, being, loving. 

Thanks fam for never giving up on me. For allowing me to continue to be a part of your lives. I hope you can find it within to forgive me. I completely understand it will take time. I still struggle sometimes and I probably always will but, please know I have always loved you and I am here.

 

Expansion is Tangible

I had a difficult week emotionally and it put me in a vulnerable and self reflective state. Thankfully I was physically surrounded by different supportive friends every day. (That is miraculous for this self labeled hermit.)

While picking up dog poop and mowing the yard I had a download of my power! I finally realized I am whole and do not need anyone else’s approval, respect, or love. I felt very strongly that I can do anything. All that I’ve been reading, contemplating, making time for is coming together. I feel in a flow state when I am working at home. It confirms I am living in my design (see Human Design). The emotions, the vocabulary, the synchronicity, the reciprocity is all there! 

I’ve been soul searching for six years and I thought I knew what direction I was headed in. Yet, it always seemed far out of reach. No, your highest self is where you already are! 🤯 I don’t need to live in a commune or off grid to have peace and happiness! I already have it!!!! We all do, we just have to be willing to see it! 

Additionally, I began this blog almost exactly 7 years ago. And I feel exactly the opposite from how I felt about my kids then. I have found myself and in turn, I  have deeper more authentic relationships with every one of our five children. It took working and going to school for me to realize I wanted nothing more than to be home. And who knows I may eventually go back to work but right now I’m diggin’ making dinner, keeping the house clean, having conversations at any hour of the day with my family and friends, loving my husband, reading books and just being more present. Only after we come to know ourselves can we share with others at a much deeper level. Have any of you experienced a download of truth?

This Mother’s Day I feel like I have done a great job over the past year. I am excited to welcome some attention from my family that day. And I won’t ask my kids to call me Stephanie because I am NOT the Nanny!

More LOVE is always the answer

                                        Art by Mat Harris

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend I know from my church days. It was fantastic! I love it when active Mormons can have an open mind. We were real and I felt validated and heard. We talked about many things that are taboo: addiction, affairs, marijuana, sexual orientation. She is firm in her beliefs but recognizes the culture needs to shift. Church simply needs to be more inclusive. She’s willing to facilitate that change. I feel blessed to know people like her.

The answer is always more LOVE. You can not go wrong with love. You do not need to fix people, judge them, or run from them. Our conversation reminded me of the East Forest meditation concert Troy and I attended on January 1st this year. In that ceremony Ram Dass was quoted through out and the most influential statement was, “I am loving awareness.” I let those words permeate my being and they brought me so much clarity. Simply put, our purpose is to see others with love. It is not my job to instruct, shame, or persuade anyone to change who they are. I will help, guide, listen and advise but only when requested. My relationships are more important than most anything else.

There is an Oreo commercial on Facebook that is simply amazing. Here is the link.

Actions speak louder than words. Don’t just talk about loving one another, show love.