*I have never done DMT but from what I’ve heard it is a fast, deep ride you are not able to steer. And I have felt that way for almost the entirety of 2023.
In one week we have moved two of our adult kids, one of them got their wisdom teeth removed, one kid was stranded in an airport over night, there was an infected tattoo that needed an urgent care visit, a 5 day suspension from school, we’ve had an extra dog all week and a new mattress that is delivering less than the best sleeps.
Life is ups and downs and way more complex than imaginable. The challenges are no longer scary but welcome. I have learned how to see life through a new lens. My confidence is beginning to return. (I remembered why I lost my confidence. I was such a stalwart Latter Day Saint for so many years. I dedicated my entire being to the church. Upon leaving I felt lost. I didn’t think I would ever want to be a leader or in charge of anything ever again. How could I?! I had been so wrong about so many things. I was embarrassed about my life choices. Who gets married at 18 and has four kids by 25?! Religious zealots, that’s who.) By becoming aware of and accepting more of my dark parts I am also more aware of my talents and light!
Contemplating where I am in the grand scheme of things, I am able to see I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I work extremely part time in child care. I was meditating earlier this week to identify what I truly want, perhaps set some goals for myself. And my first thought was I can’t believe I’m only doing child care at this point. Then I kept on that thought and realized it is my area of expertise. I have been a mother for 22+ years. I know how to run a household. And children are magical beings. They are. What a privilege to spend time playing with them, listening to them, seeing them.
In working on getting to know myself better I recently admitted I sometimes feel like a failure. By society’s standards I failed. I didn’t finish college, I didn’t make a career for myself, we have a modest home and vehicles, we don’t have any toys, we still use a budget, our house isn’t perfectly decorated, etc. But comparison is the thief of joy. If I sit and look longer I know I did not fail I just took a different route. We are wealthy in family, friends and opportunity. The level of relationship I share with each of my children isn’t worth trading for anything. I am beyond blessed that Troy has always supported me staying home or going to work. I keep getting called home and that is where the biggest growth has happened. I’m still learning to love myself and my family just the way we are.
Although I’d appreciate life to be slower and more peaceful, I’ve discovered I have developed the tools to take a challenging situation and make it okay. In the past I know I would’ve yelled a lot more, said a lot more things I didn’t mean, been a lot less compassionate this week. I want to say I’m proud of myself. I’ve made the choice to look in the mirror and do better. I’m breaking generational patterns. That is no easy task. I’m letting go of negative narratives about myself. We are healing as a family and that is more than enough for me.
Here are my intentions for 2023.
Cultivate more love and kindness for all, especially myself.
I want to witness my life without judgement.
I want to continue to face my fears and by so doing, overcome them.
I want to have a regular gratitude practice.
My four guiding words for the year (according to the first four I saw in a word search on Facebook):
CREATION*CONNECTION*ALIGNMENT*CHANGE
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