Andy who?

Yesterday Troy was a rock star (not that he isn't everyday). He was in charge of the music for #Baldapalooza, a benefit music festival. This was their third year and it was definitely the best so far-as with most events when they pick up momentum, larger sponsors, bigger names-the projects improve. The line up included Ashley Hess, Jessica Domingo, our good friend Mossi and Andy Grammer! 

It was a blast. I'm so proud of Troy and all the hours of service he gave to help with the fest and raise money for Camp Rainbow Gold. The camp is for families of children who are battling cancer. The night was a success. The preshow party Friday night-Troy's idea- surpassed the experience of the actual concert even without Andy Grammer. It is always so impressive to me when musicians pull together an improv jam session. They all sound groovy on their own but put them together and something entrancing happens. Some may go as far as to say "Music is Life". I tend to agree-depending on the artist.

We had a splendid evening-a few lovely pics with the beautiful, sweet smelling Andy Grammer-face painting-snow cones-dancing and a pair of lost prescription sunglasses. We even crashed in a hotel after the after party. Yes, rock stars. Thank you Troy. I've decided I'll just ride on his coattails-no reason for me to add stress to my chaos. No work just play. You solicit the sponsors and I'll be your date-and take care of your kids and your house and your bills. 

Saturday morning while Troy was running around in a somewhat agitated form putting out fires and what not-I was home blissfully orchestrating the highly anticipated "chore day". Oh how I love the weeping and wailing, the dramatic woes that are staged every Saturday. Yes, the fighting that incurs as to which person needs to do what to make the bedroom pass inspection. This is an issue-one of many-that comes with sharing a room. The tape line has been removed but the responsibilities have become the battle. Who knows-who cares- what started this particular match but it escalated quickly and there were some threats thrown out along with some insults. They left out the expletives-which would have possibly lightened the mood. The climax was definitely the throwing of the shoe. Who throws a shoe? Naturally there had to be a consequence and I know that both parties were equally to blame even though I wouldn't allow them to plead their defenses. I don't want to hear the details of how it all started, who said what and who threw the first punch. It doesn't matter to me. They both were guilty for interrupting what I was doing-the only thing that upset me. 

And here comes Super Mom-I took off their bedroom door. Just slid the pins out and shocked them into silence. I'm not the one to invent this unusual punishment but this was the first time I had used it and without a telling threat. They just stood there and took it. After that they were nice to me and avoided each other-novel idea. Victory. I'm tempted to use it on Kylie for the sole reason that she excludes herself-inadvertently-every day after school with the help of her iPhone sidekick we shall name-Snappy Chatty.

This somewhat unorthodox removing of the door sparked a memory of one of my best friends' mom. She told her teenagers they had to get jobs when they were 16 or a vast amount of their privileges would be revoked. I don't know the details but I do remember after a few weeks she was temporarily working the drive thru at Taco Bell-where everyone went afterschool. Well played Donna.

#Baldapalooza2015

Whoa, that's a lot of kids.

Yes, it's true

We all know "Life is hard". Sometimes the ring of that bell resonates a lot louder and longer. (Keep in mind I'm fully aware this is a first world problem.)

This week was the masterclass I had registered for in June. It was a theatre training of the Suzuki and Viewpoints methods. I had my ass handed to me. I haven't been in a show for 8 years. I had no business being there. I thought I could consider myself a professional because I have been paid for my work on stage. No, it's a whole different ball game. These people are intense. The Suzuki class was physically rigorous to say the least. Although I was the only one in the class who couldn't conquer a turning walk, quite humiliating, at least I was fit enough to not be sore.

I really enjoyed the Viewpoints except for the day I took it too far. We were invited to add text to our play and I did, only it wasn't the best choice for the moment. Once the exercise was done the instructor gave a 5 minute lecture about how sometimes we just want to be the actor and don't do what is best for the group. Mind you this is the type of training I've been doing on Saturday mornings, the highlight of my week. Now I felt I had messed up the one process that has no rules. I broke a rule for the game that has none. Awesome.

I started to cry as soon as I left the black box. If I can't feel good about work in a training how the hell could I compete with these people in auditions. I just don't have it anymore. Did I ever have "it"? Or were people just lying to me? What do I have? I let my singing voice disappear by neglect. I'm not the best mom or wife for that matter. I'm not a good Mormon. Who am I?

That was Thursday, Friday morning I was tempted to stay home. I wanted to quit. I had a brief conversation with one of my friends on Facebook. About himself he said, "I admit I cross the line sometimes. When I do I own it and delete". Perfect. Own it and delete. I got in the burb and drove myself downtown. The last session was... ok. I still didn't get that stupid turning walk but Viewpoints was put back in its magical spot. I just kept my mouth shut. It's funny how that works. Don't talk, don't make an ass out of yourself. Still I insisted on doing the walk of shame through the tunnel and over the bridge. I cried again being more dramatic at the points where I wasn't visible to anyone. There is so much to learn about acting. So much to dissect and figure out: motives, energies, focus and an infinity of other elements. I'm not sure it's where I should be or what I want to be spending all my time on right now. My question is do I try and learn in my spare time or do I wait until I am less committed to family and house (old) to begin again? Would I be wasting these years or would it make more sense to shelve it?

I tend to want to do more, as if what is in front of me isn't enough. I like to dream up successes in all of my passing interests. I look at the job listings on Craigslist and think, I could totally do that. Hell, I could own the company. If only I didn't have a collection of kids to drive around, teach how to budget, discipline, show how to cook, ensure they write thank you notes, the list goes on.  I'm thinking I should focus on the line of work I find myself in. I am a Stay At Home Mom. There is nothing wrong with that but I definitely want to instill in my daughters it is not the only choice or even the best choice for everyone. Their potential is limitless. Louie is catching on. Famous for her songs, she was signing yesterday, "I can be anything. I can do anything."  I'm not sure which cartoon character fed her those lines but, I approve and thank you.

Embracing my role as Mom this school year I've already begun reviewing my nanny contract. I want to do my best work, maybe earn an employee of the month award.

Best supporting actor goes to Gavin-check out his hand. Nice.

Legit

For my Mormon friends who have been wondering where I am, for my regular friends you already knew this is who I am, for my family I expect you to love me the same, for my kids this does not give you permission to drink before you're legal.

I posted the following in a private Facebook group for Mormons who are struggling with their faith. Some have left the church, some have one foot in and one foot out but all 2,000 members are doubting and uncomfortable with aspects of the church. I have found it to be a comfortable fit for me.

"It was the strangest thing. For the last 4 and a half months I've been telling myself there is no truth in the church and I am happy to leave behind the expectations and judgements I put on myself. Happy to leave it all behind. I haven't wanted to admit it but I've felt a void and my spirituality had been halted. My eyes have been opened, I'm loving life, a majority of the doctrine I will not testify of, I know it is not the one true church. But yesterday eating alone I had the feeling that I can take just pieces of it. This is something that never before made sense to me. I'm actually planning to attend church on Sunday after a 6 week break. It'll be interesting. I WANT to go, I want to see it from a non members perspective. I want to see if I can find any true doctrine in Relief Society (the third hour when the women meet together). I'll probably skip Sunday school. I'm not going to make any of our children go rather I will invite them, let them choose. That idea feels RIGHT. And I think I might want to read my scriptures again-I got good feelings from them before. But I know I don't HAVE to read them. I can't fathom holding a calling (appointed job at church) nor do I feel motivated to pay tithing at this point. I don't even plan to go to church every week. I have started feeling able and ready to serve in ways that more directly affect my own family like team mom, library helper at the school. No more church checklists. Wow, I really didn't see this coming but I think it's good. Being cautious and thoughtful."

One of the comments after I posted this said, "I think you are just engaging in your own terms, heaven forbid. : )". And that is exactly it. I also feel free to disengage should I want to. I finally feel like I truly have agency. I'm no longer driven by fear nor do I feel trapped, forced. I feel smarter. I feel being able to remove the blinders has shown me how often I left my decisions to someone with "authority". I will stop there as I don't wish to offend. 

This spiritual journey is fluid and beautiful, so grateful to be alive.