This week was the masterclass I had registered for in June. It was a theatre training of the Suzuki and Viewpoints methods. I had my ass handed to me. I haven't been in a show for 8 years. I had no business being there. I thought I could consider myself a professional because I have been paid for my work on stage. No, it's a whole different ball game. These people are intense. The Suzuki class was physically rigorous to say the least. Although I was the only one in the class who couldn't conquer a turning walk, quite humiliating, at least I was fit enough to not be sore.
I really enjoyed the Viewpoints except for the day I took it too far. We were invited to add text to our play and I did, only it wasn't the best choice for the moment. Once the exercise was done the instructor gave a 5 minute lecture about how sometimes we just want to be the actor and don't do what is best for the group. Mind you this is the type of training I've been doing on Saturday mornings, the highlight of my week. Now I felt I had messed up the one process that has no rules. I broke a rule for the game that has none. Awesome.
I started to cry as soon as I left the black box. If I can't feel good about work in a training how the hell could I compete with these people in auditions. I just don't have it anymore. Did I ever have "it"? Or were people just lying to me? What do I have? I let my singing voice disappear by neglect. I'm not the best mom or wife for that matter. I'm not a good Mormon. Who am I?
That was Thursday, Friday morning I was tempted to stay home. I wanted to quit. I had a brief conversation with one of my friends on Facebook. About himself he said, "I admit I cross the line sometimes. When I do I own it and delete". Perfect. Own it and delete. I got in the burb and drove myself downtown. The last session was... ok. I still didn't get that stupid turning walk but Viewpoints was put back in its magical spot. I just kept my mouth shut. It's funny how that works. Don't talk, don't make an ass out of yourself. Still I insisted on doing the walk of shame through the tunnel and over the bridge. I cried again being more dramatic at the points where I wasn't visible to anyone. There is so much to learn about acting. So much to dissect and figure out: motives, energies, focus and an infinity of other elements. I'm not sure it's where I should be or what I want to be spending all my time on right now. My question is do I try and learn in my spare time or do I wait until I am less committed to family and house (old) to begin again? Would I be wasting these years or would it make more sense to shelve it?
I tend to want to do more, as if what is in front of me isn't enough. I like to dream up successes in all of my passing interests. I look at the job listings on Craigslist and think, I could totally do that. Hell, I could own the company. If only I didn't have a collection of kids to drive around, teach how to budget, discipline, show how to cook, ensure they write thank you notes, the list goes on. I'm thinking I should focus on the line of work I find myself in. I am a Stay At Home Mom. There is nothing wrong with that but I definitely want to instill in my daughters it is not the only choice or even the best choice for everyone. Their potential is limitless. Louie is catching on. Famous for her songs, she was signing yesterday, "I can be anything. I can do anything." I'm not sure which cartoon character fed her those lines but, I approve and thank you.
Embracing my role as Mom this school year I've already begun reviewing my nanny contract. I want to do my best work, maybe earn an employee of the month award.
First off you didn’t fail at anything if you tried. It takes a lot of courage to get up there and do and try some of the things asked of you. The fact that you even showed up to the class is a triumph in itself. That’s “acting” playing the role of someone else, it takes quite a bit of training and discipline to master the art and even then it’s hit and miss. If someone is really good at the role then they have spent the time practicing or the role if not too far off from whom the person really is- making it easy. So your instructor is good at a turning walk- so what- she’s supposed to be -she’s teaching the class. These are the things she’s devoted her life to learn. Now ask this same teacher to do the things your good at. Let the teacher wake up early with five children, getting them dressed, fed and off to school on time. Doing all this while making lunches and grocery lists and cleaning up the house. Let’s not forget to do the daily
ReplyDeletechores doing some errands just in time to pick everybody back up and start dinner. While making dinner homework, showers, and some more chores with still enough energy for hubby when he gets home. All with a smile and perfect hair. I bet the teacher would stumble just as hard, possibly cry as well. So in doing all the above mentioned you found time to go to this work shop and improve if not perfect you craft of acting. Hat’s off standing “O” I see no failure there. Dry your eyes and lift your head.
That is more than I deserve. Thank you. And thank you for reading my blog!
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