Legit

For my Mormon friends who have been wondering where I am, for my regular friends you already knew this is who I am, for my family I expect you to love me the same, for my kids this does not give you permission to drink before you're legal.

I posted the following in a private Facebook group for Mormons who are struggling with their faith. Some have left the church, some have one foot in and one foot out but all 2,000 members are doubting and uncomfortable with aspects of the church. I have found it to be a comfortable fit for me.

"It was the strangest thing. For the last 4 and a half months I've been telling myself there is no truth in the church and I am happy to leave behind the expectations and judgements I put on myself. Happy to leave it all behind. I haven't wanted to admit it but I've felt a void and my spirituality had been halted. My eyes have been opened, I'm loving life, a majority of the doctrine I will not testify of, I know it is not the one true church. But yesterday eating alone I had the feeling that I can take just pieces of it. This is something that never before made sense to me. I'm actually planning to attend church on Sunday after a 6 week break. It'll be interesting. I WANT to go, I want to see it from a non members perspective. I want to see if I can find any true doctrine in Relief Society (the third hour when the women meet together). I'll probably skip Sunday school. I'm not going to make any of our children go rather I will invite them, let them choose. That idea feels RIGHT. And I think I might want to read my scriptures again-I got good feelings from them before. But I know I don't HAVE to read them. I can't fathom holding a calling (appointed job at church) nor do I feel motivated to pay tithing at this point. I don't even plan to go to church every week. I have started feeling able and ready to serve in ways that more directly affect my own family like team mom, library helper at the school. No more church checklists. Wow, I really didn't see this coming but I think it's good. Being cautious and thoughtful."

One of the comments after I posted this said, "I think you are just engaging in your own terms, heaven forbid. : )". And that is exactly it. I also feel free to disengage should I want to. I finally feel like I truly have agency. I'm no longer driven by fear nor do I feel trapped, forced. I feel smarter. I feel being able to remove the blinders has shown me how often I left my decisions to someone with "authority". I will stop there as I don't wish to offend. 

This spiritual journey is fluid and beautiful, so grateful to be alive.