Don't laugh

The two posts that have exponentially surpassed all the others in the number of hits are the two you might consider most vulnerable-the one where I appeared close to naked to show off my fitness and the one where I stripped down to practically nothing -theoretically speaking- and bore my testimony of my unbelief.  Why have those two entries received so many views? I believe it is because it was then I was the most vulnerable. I was willing to show you as much as I could without crossing the line, making my readers feel offended (at least that's what I think). You may have gawked, gone back for a second look or a reread. Everything I post is truth and yet I haven't been scared enough to hold back.  I know I am unsure of most things but living for one day at a time is a gift. I'm looking forward and making an effort not to look back.

I think it's worth mentioning how vulnerable everyone is-all the time. Even when you feel confident, prepared, in control-you can find yourself assaulted or under attack. Think about it-when you leave the house, venture out into the world filled with people, you are susceptible to their actions.Those people who may or may not know and/or care about you. Someone may give you a dirty look because you didn't offer to push their child on the damn swing while they sat on the park bench checking their phone for the messages they don't have but wish they did.You may encounter an angry driver who shouts obscenities at you because he wasn't looking before he almost backed into you. Someone might tell you how absolutely wrong your child handled the situation at school when clearly it was self defense.  Or your spouse might complain about how it seems like you never made dinner this week (I guess cereal doesn't really count), your children might wonder where all their clothes are because nothing is clean, your parents might suggest you aren't making enough money. You can even make yourself feel horrible -obvi.  It's no wonder so many people develop serious cases of anxiety.

Most of us feel fairly comfortable going about our daily business whether it be at work, the grocery store or school but when we go to present our ideas, preform, or even pass on company policy we begin to feel uncomfortable. When we are in front of an audience the knowledge that we are at their mercy is evident. Our fears begin to surface and can paralyze us, make us physically sick or take a chunk out of our self esteem. You may worry about how your words will be accepted or not (thankfully I don't care). You may second guess yourself-consider stepping down and taking the consequences that come with being a quitter. You may even have prepared weeks for the moment and the probability that nerves will overcome you and cause you to stumble is still very real.What is there to do?

I think it is vital to cultivate love and kindness. On occasion I take comfort when others fail it makes me feel better and so does making fun of people. (I have touched on this before.) Hello!?-do I think I'm immune to the same treatment? If it was said to my face how off key I was when I sang in a trio, that mine was the only part anyone heard- I would most likely never sing again. So the statement that people who make fun of others are truly the ones with the problem is spot on. Why am I so filled with jealousy? Envy is ugly I tell you. I want to be clear- this isn't a constant behavior but I do need to reign it in and the goal is to ultimately put myself in the other person's shoes- take the time to deeply look at the other person and know that they are as fragile as I am. They are vulnerable even if they appear to have it all put together and in the right order.

So back to the idea of cultivating love and kindness. I do have it in me and I try to share it. If you feel it, say it.There are numerous times I have approached a stranger to give them a sincere and specific compliment. I didn't tell the pregnant lady at the park, "You look good." I told her, "I love that skirt-it's very flattering." I think it's important to be specific, it tells the person you really see them. It gives the person something they can feel and hold on to. I absolutely love being told I look good- especially by a stranger, "Well I will most definitely keep this sweater then." I once told a customer when I was working as a server, "You are a strong person- I could feel there was something about you as soon as you walked in." Before you think I was picking up on someone- you must understand this man was using crutches the type people use for more permanent reasons not just the uncomfortable ones you get from the ER when you break your leg. Before I even said anything he was holding his head high, beaming with a smile the width of his face. He was eating alone and just permeated peace, love and kindness whether he knew it or not. I thought he needed to know his affect on me and most likely others. Did it feel weird? Yes. Was I glad I did it? Yes.

Another way I try to reach out is by showing appreciation for others who provide excellent customer service. I like to call them by name and thank them for going the extra mile. We were out of town for a soccer tourney last Spring and had no other choice but fast food. It was a busy hour and the lines were long but the man in the button up shirt was doing a great job making sure everyone felt taken care of. I applauded this manager and told him, "You are running a great restaurant." Simple gestures, just words.

Love can be shown in countless ways. Troy often will text in the middle of the day asking how things are going? Reaching out to an old friend- someone who might have forgotten all about you- to recall a favorite memory you both share but haven't thought about for years. Writing a letter to anyone- who doesn't love to get tangible mail? Sending an email to an influential teacher thanking them for being a part of your life. Volunteering for ...anything. Listening-sometimes it's the only thing you can do. None of these examples cost any money just your willingness to give of yourself, maybe be a little uncomfortable. But really think about what you are doing. Bonus- when you are nice to other people they tend to be nice to you and a little more willing to let you use their truck when you're moving. The more you do something the easier it becomes. You've been the recipient of a loving or kind gesture and how did it make you feel? Regardless of how your day was going prior, it has the ability to make you see life differently for a moment. Do the people you come in contact with think of you when they think of someone who makes them feel good? I know a handful of people who genuinely make me glad I get to see them because they take an interest in my life, they stop what they're doing when I walk in the room and I know they want me to succeed.

 Nerds circa 1990

Children need love and kindness more than us thick-skinned grown ups. They are developing what they think about themselves. The words we use in conversations leave long lasting impressions. If we tell them, "School just isn't your thing". Why the hell would they give a shit about their homework?
How about in the middle of an argument, "Why are you such a jerk?" (I try to say "acting like a jerk?") I'm sure we can all come up with a plethora of put downs- ones we may or may not have said. What about the compliments the words that have the power to give them strength to face the world?  "Your room sure looks nice, good job keeping it clean.", "I"m so proud of you. With work and soccer your grades are still beautiful", "That sketch is amazing I really like the shading on that side." Just taking an interest in their long, drawn out- right at bedtime- stories says I love you. Playing catch or the board game (or boring game rather) they've been suggesting for a few weeks will make them soar. They are stinkin' vulnerable everyday as they walk out the door. They are thrown into a cruel world of kids that have no idea who they are, feel good when they make fun of people and are extremely vulnerable themselves. Love them, love everyone because you are vulnerable too.

Wait for it

Wow. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. A deep, dark feeling of worthlessness. Where o where do I belong? The church has defined me for as long as I can remember. It's so odd to be floundering at 35-not sure who I am. I do know I'm driven, I do go for it-whatever "it" is. I have also discovered I tend to loose steam. I get bored so easily. I also tend to give up. When I don't succeed I find myself saying-I don't have to do this. I don't have to put myself out there. I don't have to do anything more than just show up. There are no requirements, no expectations. I can do whatever I want everyday. No one really cares what I do or don't accomplish. Any of you stay at home moms out there know what I'm talking about? Self motivation is a gift. Sometimes it's hard not to let depression take over. Does anyone notice my work if I don't intentionally point it out. I do that on occasion- I drag Troy around by the hand when he gets home to show off the closet I've spent 5 hours organizing, the room I've rearranged, the pile of clothes I've purged. He could care less I'm sure. No matter- it is life, it is where I am stationed. And it was entirely my choice.

I've begun taking note of the unexpected things that happen. Yesterday we were all thrown off after enjoying a three day weekend. We were off to a rocky start. Gavin missed the bus to the middle school an unwelcomed surprise which meant I would have to skip my shower. I have a hard time accepting bad news. I like to over react and make people feel bad. Not really. It's another thing I'm trying to be aware of. At least I always apologize.  Then today when I got to work my boss greeted me with "She's here!" My first thought was did you think I wasn't going to show up? Then he reassured me he was just happy to see me. Tim is a great guy to work for. He proceeded to offer me lunch to go with the delivery. Why yes a smothered burrito sounds delish thank you. What a wonderful unexpected surprise! A reminder- we never know what's going to happen today. Good or bad it is what constitutes this thing called life.

My hope is this afternoon as the kids invade their home- I will greet them with a smile and a genuine "You're home!" Wish me luck.

Ah-work.

No spend September

It was tradition for my dad's birthday month (February) we would go without any extras. That was what he wanted. Then he was a full time student with a family, we didn't have much for "extras" anyway. It meant no take out pizza and no trips to Blockbuster.

For the last few months we've been comfortable. We've eaten out a little more, justified some new clothes and signed each of the kids up for activities. We've purchased duplicates of small items for convenience, so not everything has to be shared. It's been nice to be able to breathe a little easier.  However, we've always said if we start making more money let's live like we're poor and save the rest. At this point it might not be a large amount but it's my birthday month and I declare it "No Spend September".

We prepared the kids a couple of days out. I told them we won't be stopping for fast food or treats when we're out. I don't plan to stock up on a bunch of prepackaged items from Costco that they think constitutes a lunch. They might have to make a sandwich and take an apple. Someone might need to bake up a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies. I told them if they need to go someplace in Star they will be walking or riding their bikes and trips will be combined or cut in an effort to save gas. I'm hoping Troy will get back into the habit of packing food for work. I too am trying to shake up my routine, yesterday I walked Louie to school (I ended up carrying her scooter and we were 5 minutes late). After mowing the yard I walked to pick her up. Because the scooter hadn't worked out so well I came prepared to push her home with a stroller which meant I had to push an empty stroller to her school-that was cool.

Now that it's been declared- don't judge when we pick up a new-to-us car this month. Troy sold his truck and is looking for a small car with good gas mileage to use for work. For the record it will be saving us money because for the money we've been shelling out for gas he can have a car payment and still be spending less!

Over the years we've gone through our share of financial distress. I know how warped my mind has been at times, trying to decide if something is a need or a want. I had trained to go without- to pretend I was camping. I had decided if I could make it I should. I taught myself how to bake- bread can be made for pennies on the dollar: biscuits, bagels, tortillas, french loaves, whole wheat, english muffins, pies, doughnuts, big soft pretzels and even graham crackers. We got creative with things. One of my favorites was using Wite-Out as polish for a french manicure. Presents were always something used, under ten years old and they are ecstatic no matter what is in the gift bag. I didn't go out with the girls because I didn't want to spend money. Once Troy brought home doughnuts but the one he had picked for me wasn't my favorite. It broke me to tears. My thought was how could he have spent that money and on something that I didn't even want? The stress of not having enough is so heavy. I remember trying to keep my emotions from spilling over when in conversations at church I couldn't identify with the difficulty of choosing draperies to match the patterns of Ethan Allen furniture. One woman was complaining because with her four young children the $3,500 allowance her husband gave her was simply "not enough to last the whole month for groceries and everything else!"

I came to learn I needed some balance. You can't always say no. I remember reaching the point when it was okay to splurge on an evening at the cheap seats or take the kids for a slurpee. I remember thinking, it's just money. Everything was going to pay for our house-we were desperately holding on. We were getting help with food and we were able to keep up on the bills but that was quite literally it for a few months. Once we were out of that house and let it go I remember thinking I wanted to get the car detailed. Why not? It's only money and we've been with nothing before. If I spend it all what'll it hurt?

There was a time when Troy was laid off, collecting unemployment, taking some online college courses and watching Louie while I worked full time at near minimum wage jobs. That was a new perspective for me. I hadn't worked full time since before we were married. It is a lot of hours. I didn't mind the work but I did get grouchy about the pay. I worked hard for a small pay check that yielded practically nothing once the bills were paid. What the hell? Working that much you feel you should be justified in buying just a little something for yourself-something? Hence the saying, "The rich stay rich by living like they're poor and the poor stay poor by living like they're rich." You just can't get ahead if you don't have goals, a little self control and a vision for any kind of a future.

I'm cool with our kids not having everything they want. It would not benefit them in the least. I didn't have anything I didn't work for and I feel I have excellent budgeting skills. Kylie has been gifted the same lesson and is doing phenomenal with her paychecks. Gavin works and Gavin spends faster. You can't win them all.

There is so much in our culture attached to that green paper. So much of life is sought after it but when it's all gone you are left with what has always been there. Later this month we're going to an event presented by Compassion International at a local Christian church. The tour takes you through the life of those less fortunate. I hope the experience will resonate with the kids and they will see how truly blessed they are. I could use that reminder as well.

Pay day is approaching and once the bills are paid I look forward to seeing how many days I can go without spending any money.

If they want  coffee, ice cream and cigs-they'll have to buy them.