Wow. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. A deep, dark feeling of worthlessness. Where o where do I belong? The church has defined me for as long as I can remember. It's so odd to be floundering at 35-not sure who I am. I do know I'm driven, I do go for it-whatever "it" is. I have also discovered I tend to loose steam. I get bored so easily. I also tend to give up. When I don't succeed I find myself saying-I don't have to do this. I don't have to put myself out there. I don't have to do anything more than just show up. There are no requirements, no expectations. I can do whatever I want everyday. No one really cares what I do or don't accomplish. Any of you stay at home moms out there know what I'm talking about? Self motivation is a gift. Sometimes it's hard not to let depression take over. Does anyone notice my work if I don't intentionally point it out. I do that on occasion- I drag Troy around by the hand when he gets home to show off the closet I've spent 5 hours organizing, the room I've rearranged, the pile of clothes I've purged. He could care less I'm sure. No matter- it is life, it is where I am stationed. And it was entirely my choice.
I've begun taking note of the unexpected things that happen. Yesterday we were all thrown off after enjoying a three day weekend. We were off to a rocky start. Gavin missed the bus to the middle school an unwelcomed surprise which meant I would have to skip my shower. I have a hard time accepting bad news. I like to over react and make people feel bad. Not really. It's another thing I'm trying to be aware of. At least I always apologize. Then today when I got to work my boss greeted me with "She's here!" My first thought was did you think I wasn't going to show up? Then he reassured me he was just happy to see me. Tim is a great guy to work for. He proceeded to offer me lunch to go with the delivery. Why yes a smothered burrito sounds delish thank you. What a wonderful unexpected surprise! A reminder- we never know what's going to happen today. Good or bad it is what constitutes this thing called life.
My hope is this afternoon as the kids invade their home- I will greet them with a smile and a genuine "You're home!" Wish me luck.
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