Feeling Powerful

Villians at the Village

My spiritual journey is finally moving. For the past 18 months I've left religion alone and really just focused on learning how to be a coffee and alcohol consuming adult. But I've been unintentionally gleaning from the minds of the balanced women around me. Last week was filled with an urgency to find my authentic self. So I reached out to five women all who run their own businesses (although that is far from appealing to me at this point), have glowing countanences, make everyone around them feel valued and absolutely know who they are. And they all responded to my plea for guidance! I now have reading material enough to get me well into next year and I know answers will be sought and found. I'm just looking to find my purpose and passion in this life. I'm pretty sure all I need to do is stop and listen. If only I didn't live with 6 other people maybe I could hear myself breathe. I'm looking forward to deep conversations, aha moments, living mindfully, meditating, meeting new people, and yoga classes.

Perfection

Because tomorrow is the day.

One of the things I lost when leaving the church was a clearly defined path. And without a demanding work schedule I find myself idle and drifting, often unmotivated. So recently I've tried out all these little weird ideas. Last week it was a rotation of 20 minutes each with a focus on different roles such as: self, wife, mother, student and so on. Twenty minutes seemed the perfect amount of time to not get stuck or bored. I really liked it for a couple of days but honestly routines just don't stick very well with me.

I also have tried emulating people. Using the WW_D formula plugging in different people I admired. This morning I tried to think who I might want to be as I was getting dressed and I realized I'm not that terrible of a person to be. So I tried on my favorite fall three-quarter length tshirt and jeans and thought about the traits that make up my unique personality. The first thing to stick out I hadn't thought of for awhile- I'm a perfectionist. Sure you wouldn't be able to tell that from a peak into my living room from the front porch or from a sample of my handwriting well shit nothing I do resembles perfect but I definitely have a vision of the ideal and when I'm feeling zealous I attempt to make things just so. I like to do things the right way. I know it seems silly but I do believe there is a right way to do just about everything from folding shirts to driving to bathing to making a cup of joe to spelling words. And this girl likes to be shown the right way. Most things only need one round of instruction but as they say- knowing is half the battle. I love to scan Pinterest for how tos and secret life hacks. I can vividly remember my mom showing me how to dry off after a shower. Flipping your hair over, working from head to toe, one leg at a time and finishing with a tight turban. I should've taught my kids maybe then the bath mat wouldn't be so squishy and the floor might be dry after they use it. Ah-probably not.

The second thought to this sequence was why don't I do things perfectly? The answer is I have too many things to do. I can't invest the time to do each thing as good as I know how. I simply can not give two fucks about most of the tiny tasks that envelop my day with 5 children, a husband and school. And I am fully aware most people find themselves in the same situation with thousands of decisions to make- most in a split second everyday. I've come to appreciate the ability to let go of ....most everything.

So we do our best and delegate as much as we can, satisfied with mediocre as long as the job gets done. And slow down on occasion to focus on the present and put in an A+ effort.

And maybe it isn't perfectionism at all- maybe it's a preference for situations I can control. So when life gets paralyzingly overwhelming I can be found untangling my necklaces or dumping out the junk drawer or refolding my disheveled clothes or finishing another season of Shameless.

How sad

                                                                 Photo Credit: Ashton Cooper          

It seems the right time to post again. It's somewhat like a "ruben timer". I just feel it. It's time to flip the sandwich.

So, I've been home for about a week and a half. Last week Troy and I started a new job together. There is a new building in Star. It is an urgent care with nine exam rooms, a break room, a couple of offices, desks, a small lab, xray. It's super easy to clean and only takes us about an hour. It is so nice to do something that takes absolutely no prep, no thinking, no human interaction. It's comparable to mowing the lawn. It's an uninterrupted music sesh. I must say I love it. It provides for Louie's kinder tuition and, if a spot should become available, Ashton's parkour.

They say if you want something done ask a busy person. Well, don't ask me to do anything. I have an inappropriate, mature, R-rated show to binge on Netflix, I have cookies to make and eat, I have homework to procrastinate, I have long showers to take and life to contemplate. I haven't taken up napping -yet.

There are actually a lot of benefits to being an unemployed mom. I am home when the kids are. I get to supervise them, while they are occupied in their bedrooms or otherwise in the neighborhood, from the comfort of my couch. I've come to enjoy tutoring them on math and life. I am thrilled I can make their ortho, med, and well check appointments any day at any time and be able to take them- except for today. I am making dinner and cleaning but I am not busy- all the kids are gone and six hours isn't enough to indulge in me time. I think I've died and gone to heaven. (Funny- money is still an issue up here.)

There are other perks to being rid of the association with a preschool program. I can have my FaceBook, and my blog for that matter, back to myself. It may seem weird but, I'm pretty sure everyone who contemplates signing their kids up for a program, looks up the instructor. I felt like I had to be careful of what I posted. It felt like a restriction and we all know how I feel about being restrained. Hence the somewhat drunk sounding post from Sunday night's concert venue. Carefree. Beware of cursing I might not feel like editing. Consider yourself warned.

I was talking to a friend recently who was confiding in me about some PTs (past transgressions) and she made the comment that these things are something she wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about while she was in the situation. I immediately thought of how my blog couldn't be any more in the present. This shit is real and happening right now.

And onto my spiritual journey. I woke up this morning with a recollection of last night's dream. My brother-in-law was married to someone different and we were at my in-laws house. It was General Conference weekend (when the Prophet and others give council to the Mormon church from Utah and it is broadcast on television it only happens twice a year) and my mother-in-law was trying not to cause any uncomfortable situations and so she didn't turn on the TV. Ironically that made me feel more uncomfortable because I knew she really wanted to watch what the leaders of the LDS church were going to reveal to their more faithful members. I told her not to worry about me and that she should turn it on. But I was sure to let her know I hadn't changed my mind and said "I still think it's a crock of shit." I looked at my sister-in-law not sister-in-law and asked her the question that got me where I am today. "Do you think you are better than me? Do you think by doing certain things you are somehow more loved by God?" I didn't allow her to answer and said "Don't you think God loves all of his children?" Then an image of the world burning came to my brain and I saw myself engulfed in flames but I wasn't the least bit scared. People on earth have been burned alive- it happens. What ever is going to happen will happen. I refuse to live in fear. I was somewhat surprised that my dreams weren't of a different perspective. After all the years I spent as a devout Mormon I assumed the paths my neuro transmitters took would be for the other team, of a more religious nature. There was once when I was speaking to my sister-in-law that I wavered and it crossed my mind that by voicing my opinion I wouldn't ever be able to renege and would be cast out no matter what. It's so odd how something once so dear could become so silly to me now. So I will continue on my path to seek ways to connect to the deeper parts of myself. I consider myself agnostic at this point but open. I'm looking to feel approval of my decisions from a bigger source however I'm not really sure that that even matters. I'm the one that has to live with whatever consequences come and those are usually pretty obvious even before one makes the choice.

Still as contradictory and unpredictable as ever. You can call me Stephanie.