If only I had set some goals

It has been over five years since I began this blog. I started writing about the trials of motherhood because I didn't know what else to do. I had wanted to give up and instead found solace in a game of make pretend. I pretended I was an employee of the house charged with their care. As they are growing up and leaving the nest my job is becoming more manageable. We definitely still have our challenges but we've grown, my expectations have lessened and we've found more balance.

Stumbling on a fulfilling vocation has shifted the trial from wanting to run from home to wanting to make sure I am there more. The three that are still under our roof are self managing, for the most part. During the work week Troy and I are not home much. They seem to eat, make messes, do some chores, get into some trouble and go missing on occasion. I feel like I am okay with that. We have spontaneous conversations about sex and drugs, relationships, grades and future plans. We do unannounced bedroom and backpack searches when intuition speaks. We try to fix a hot meal and gather daily. This summer we have gone camping, they've had sleepovers, we've hosted BBQs, played Kan Jam, floated the river, played with cousins, and consumed lots of frozen treats.

Looking back the one single action that has had the most positive impact on our family was leaving the church. We are free from trying to conform and it has done wonders for this family.

I have also learned to be good with who I am. I don't mother the way I thought I was "supposed" to  and yet, it is enough. I am doing the best I can with the tools and experience I have and that is all I can do. I check in with my constituents and they know they can come to me when they have grievances.

I no longer feel so strongly about a "right way" of living. There are exponentially fewer battles to fight. Love and let live resonates highly with me. There is no unnecessary pressure to perform, be successful, achieve perfection. I am free to love unconditionally and see the value of different perspectives. By modeling a more open viewpoint I feel our children will be more likely to lift others, have empathy and contribute to their communities in a meaningful way.

All in all I feel like Troy and I make a great team, our kids are headed in the right direction and everything is going to be alright. Cheers to the next five years!

Status Update

On Saturday morning I got to have a rare experience. I was chosen to be one of 12 women to participate in a Miss Wondersmith event. Check out her website she is all around magical. Part of the Rose Medicine event was a tasting menu that she paired with reflective questions. The intention of this event was one of self care. I do fairly well in this department but what came up for me was that I am STILL struggling with my identity as a mother.

Saturday morning while at the event I was taking a break from assisting my director in applying for a federal grant. The application process was grueling, we had less time than was ideal and it was requiring many hours over the weekend. The depth of the tasting menu coupled with how I had been so consumed with work during the kids' entire first week of summer had me feeling pretty absent on the home front. I realized even more than that I had to some degree given up on my maternal duties. With two kids out of the house things are definitely more manageable but I'm not done yet. 

It was the baklava with its multiple layered foundation that made me think about the foundation I'm giving my kids. I am genuinely happy with my life but I am sure that is not what is the message I send when I come in the door and start barking orders to the lazy teenagers on the Xbox. Is that what I want them to build their lives upon? An angry mom who doesn't engage other than to go through the list of things they aren't doing? Who doles out consequences far more often than compliments? Who complains about making dinner and all things domestic? 

Saturday night, after working for a few hours on the grant, Troy and I went out for a date. When we got home we had to remind and enforce the contentious rule of the phone curfew. I caught some swearing under his breath and the infamous "I hate you" from the accused child before he slammed the door. It's no wonder I hate this gig! I don't want to be the enforcer. I don't like managing people. I don't want to be in charge of them. I don't like having to check up on their choices but that is literally my job. I screamed out, "I don't care what you think. It's not my job to be your friend." Troy tried to gently remind me that I was tired and to stop talking because we want them to be able to speak and be heard or something but I just wrapped myself in my comforter and managed to fall asleep fuming.

Sunday brought more time on the grant but we managed to sneak in a desperately needed family meeting. During this time I was told, "I'm getting depressed and it's because of you. I don't like it here and it's your fault. You're never happy and I hate being here." 

"The truth is I get more rewards from work than home. I don't love being a mom. But, I sincerely don't want you to feel that way. I will work on it. What is it that you expect from me?" We had a great dialog and it cleared the air. 

The grant was due Monday at 3:00pm so I was up and gone before they were awake but on the way home I got the encouragement I needed to.... give a fuck. I've been listening to the Aubrey Marcus podcast  and this episode featured Joe Rogan (who before our Saturday night date had no idea who he was -we watched the fights). Joe talked about showing up and doing hard things. He argued that orchestrated, intentional conflict (e.g. tough physical work outs, getting up early, being impeccable with you word), protects us from other forms of drama. So, I committed to reinvest in the family Troy and I created. I've heard the message often enough, "If it scares you that is the thing you need to lean into". Mothering scares me because at this point I feel I have a minuscule amount of control. I feel like no matter what I say, suggest, ask for they will do whatever they are going to do anyway. I feel like I am wasting my breath. I decided maybe that is okay. I won't let that prevent me from giving my all. 

Monday night a plan was crafted for the next morning. With the grant finally complete I wasn't going in to work until the afternoon. I would get up and do my self care yoga and meditation. (I don't know why I'm not better at keeping that routine. It feels so good.) Then Dylan and Louie and I would eat a healthy breakfast (Ashton was invited but not interested) and then walk to the Maverik to get a sweet treat and finally time would be spent at the park on the way home. Tuesday morning went as planned and I felt on top of the world. We chatted about all the things I haven't felt we had the time for, we enjoyed candy before ten in the morning guilt free and were exercising in the sunshine. This experience: the planning, the eating breakfast together, the walk, the conversation reminded me that motherhood can be delicious. I had been trying to ignore this part of my life because I didn't feel like I knew how. I still feel like I need to take a minute to figure out what a detailed acceptable and realistic version of myself as a mother looks like. 

My life has changed dramatically since I started this journey. I need to let go of old ideals. I need to stop comparing myself to the previous version, to my friends' versions, to the fairy tale I had been fed and chose to believe. I am a working mom. I am a curious soul. I need validation. I want to make memories. I want to want to build a foundation on family. I am committed to doing hard things. That is where I am today. Thank you for listening.

#blessed

Today was amazing. I had an epiphany during my morning meditation. I think I'm finally getting it.  I've been home all week because Louie was sick. And I am so thankful that I didn't have any pressing responsibilities like classes I had to attend, or mandatory work meetings or a demanding internship looming. I could take each morning's fever and stuffy nose and call into the school secretary sans stress. It was beautiful to be present, to be just Mom.

I've been itching for more to do since my farm internship ended almost exactly one month ago. I have so much more time and feel like I should be doing more. But if I had signed up to be PTO president, auditioned for a show or registered for another class I might not have had the luxury to stay home this week. My part-time position at the Idaho Hunger Relief Task Force is the perfect amount of flexibility and purpose. I feel so lucky to be where I am in life. I hope I can hold onto this feeling.

A few Sundays ago I was thinking about the migrant caravan making their way to the United States and how many needs they must have- physical and otherwise. As I scanned the globe on my bookshelf  I wondered how I could help them. Immediately I was reminded I have a house full of people who need my help every day. I believe the most impactful thing I can do right now is to be present. It has taken me so many years to get to this point. I still feel there is more out there for me to learn and do and become but after juggling full-time school, an internship, and work I am satisfied to be attending parent/teacher conferences, putting together a box of food for my Freshman, having talks with my purple-haired boy, helping discipline them all for the stupid choices they make- being Mom.

The second reason today was so amazing was dinner. Last night I made potatoes au gratin and tonight I made a potato and corn chowder. What happened when we combined the two was fucking delicious! Orgasmic! Out of this world! I hope tomorrow is half as wonderful.

I’d like to bear my testimony....

Jessica posted a video from my birthday reminding me of my wish. “To be more authentic.” I’ve been mulling around some ideas that would fulfill said wish. Here we go.

The LDS religion is chalk full of traditions. One of which is fast & testimony meeting. This happens on the first Sunday of every month. The members attend their regular Sabbath worship having begun fasting either the night before or earlier that day (suggestion is 24 hours or 3 meals still unsure, varies by family). During sacrament meeting, anyone in the congregation is welcome to approach the pulpit and bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel (this is often supported by antidotes).

I would like to create the opportunity to bear my testimony of the growth, freedom, and happiness I have found since I have discovered MY truth. I am a better person, more grounded, educated and aware than I have ever been before. I may have said some of these things publicly before but, just as the Mormons reiterate their beliefs monthly, I would like to repeat the peace that I now feel in following my conscience. I am directed by my intuition as I always have been but now I  claim those “promptings” as my own. Those inspirations don’t come from some “Holy Ghost” only when I am in the right place, at the right time. I get answers to my most difficult questions by pondering, meditating and listening....TO MYSELF!!! My friend Paula’s words come to mind, “Life prepares you for all you need to do.” We can tap into the memories, experiences, wisdom, and power from within. We can trust OURSELVES to make the best choice. Trust the process. Trust life, trust the universe. Before -I lived in fear. Fear that if I didn’t keep the commandments the church teaches I wouldn’t be able to receive guidance. Total bullshit. I am a fully capable being who doesn’t need to wait to be prompted or told what to do next, where to move, who to contact, etc. When you are living in the present, mindfully, the universe speaks to you. It is NOT necessary to pray or read scriptures to hear YOUR message.

Furthermore, my relationships with my kids have been strengthened. Currently, four of them are teenagers which makes the situation tense. They balk at the few rules we do have- checking in, turning in electronic devices at night, doing chores and homework. I can’t imagine if we had remained active in the LDS church how much more contentious our home would be. I’m so glad Troy and I have found our OWN boundaries and expectations for our family. “Because the prophet said so”, simply has no merit.

Leaving the church has presented me with curiosity. Learning about other cultures, religions, philosophies, and lifestyles has been refreshing, slow and uncomfortable at times. I can’t believe the amount of fear that many religious people openly exhibit in their words, judgments and actions. But I get it, I was there. As a parent you desperately want your kids to follow the plan you have laid out for them in your head. You feel if they are exposed to certain things they will take on negative attributes so you try to shield them from the world or at least the “bad” people, the less desirable humans. I no longer subscribe to the idea of Satan, right and wrong, good and evil. Everyone is trying their best with what tools they have. Empathy and love go a lot farther than a call to repentance.

I don’t believe we need a savior. Why would we? Why should we believe there is something inherently wrong with us? That we are an enemy to ourselves? It’s bizarre to me that I dutifully followed a belief system that has no more proof than that of the Greek gods.

I find it much more believable that every object has a spirit and should be respected than that God talks to a man who then speaks with authority to tell thousands of people how they should behave in order to be worthy of His love and to maybe one day live in his presence.

I’ve heard people say, "Even if the church isn’t true then at least I will have led a good life." In a bubble? With massive limitations?  It is a beautiful thing to unwind with a beer, enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, wear whatever clothing I choose, shop on Sunday, be accountable to only myself and those I come in contact with, the list goes on. And I have no qualms about my behavior. The funny thing is I’ve discovered many church members don’t think I’m a bad person either. So why in the hell are they stressing themselves out? Trying to get to the celestial kingdom? Trying to become enlightened? To make their calling and election made sure? To join deceased loved ones in heaven? Do you honestly think if you lose a child prematurely in this life (and heaven is anything like what you imagine) that if you aren’t sealed to that child in the temple you won’t be with them? That is absurd to me! I can’t believe it. And that was when everything became clear. Religion is man-made.

One more thing, the church recently made a video that showed people helping others and said this is what religion looks like.  https://youtu.be/yrwK_twhea8 All I could think was “Or this is what being a decent person looks like.” For years I allowed someone/something else to dictate my actions, words, and thoughts. Why? Why do churches need to retain memberships? Money? What else is in it for them? People can be perfectly happy without it. Communities can be built with far fewer stipulations.

I am free to struggle and frame my life the way I want. I know I will be fine even if I never set foot in a church, pay tithes, or interview with a bishop again. In fact, I may just have my name removed from their records.  So I can leave this world the way I entered it- no attachments to any institutions.

You may be wondering why. Why did I put these thoughts down into words and share them. With all the terrible things going on in the world ie.globalization and modern colonization, broken school systems, broken health care systems, privatized prisons, broken homes, addictions, human trafficking.... with all that goes on- I often feel helpless. However, I can use my voice to have an impact. I'm thankful someone had a conversation with me that made me question my religion. Perhaps there is someone out there who will read this looking for the encouragement to find the strength to change their life. I want that questioning person to know religion is unnecessary for (and often impedes)  spriritual growth,  a blessed life, friends, knowledge, and inspiration.

There you have it-the most authentic version of me.

I’m alive

                                                                        It’s been almost a week since we watched our oldest child cross the stage from high school into the world. I had a passing thought during the ceremony that I hadn’t had a chance to really digest until this morning. In the past six days I’ve prepared and served 3 meals for people (other than our little family), worked 8.5 hours, been on the farm for 11+hours, done 14 hours of homework, gone to a concert, dealt with a most unruly teen, been on my period and flew to Salt Lake City.

It has been a most peaceful morning. I arrived around 9:30am and have found a bench in the beautiful sunshine to decompress. I’ve meditated, observed, smiled, made a list of things I’m grateful for and simply enjoyed being alive while waiting for one of my treasured childhood friends to pick me up. It was over the course of these past couple hours I was reminded of the passing notion I had Saturday at graduation.

What if I had left for good? What if Troy and I had divorced all those years ago? How would that little girl have been changed? How would I have been able to help her know she is supported by me, for always? I had desperately wanted my freedom. It pained me, as I would lay in bed at night, that I had been committed to a domesticated life. I assumed I would never be happy- at least not while I was married and raising kids.

One of my colleagues on the farm said her mother told her how hard marriage is before she got married. Paraphrasing our conversation, her mother made mention it is common to spend years “out of love” with your spouse. That marriage is much more than getting through a bad fight, it is the foundation of a family. Marriage is what creates comfort, a home, childhoods.

Yes, being a parent puts you in chains no doubt. But, it is just for a season. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Support your spouse so he can support you. I feel a bit sheepish on this side of what seemed an impossible trial. I have an amazing man by my side and my love for him grows everyday.

Troy we beat the odds. I’m glad to be your partner. We got this. 💗

I’m spoiled

Saturday morning at Fiddler’s Green (pregame dig)

I met a new friend at the soccer field yesterday. She is a single mom who has cheated death on more than one occasion and believes everything happens for a reason including the fact that we happened to sit next to each other. Our conversation spanned many places and topics. Of course it began with our boys of whom we were watching and both of which scored a goal! She mentioned how ecstatic she was to be witness to her son’s game, since he recently moved in with his dad three hours away, and was only with her for the weekend. (He signed up to play months ago and happened to still be on the roster!) When I revealed we have five kids she marveled and mentioned how she would have loved to have a large family. When the game was over we exchanged phone numbers, hugged and made plans to meet at the community garden midweek.

Later that same evening Troy and I were working on the yard and I realized the conversation I had at the field marked the first time for as long as I could remember I made no remarks about how I felt cursed by the responsibility of motherhood. I had let her believe I was more like her than even I initially believed. I considered coming clean the next time I see her. Perhaps mentioning, as I often do, how much I detest the stresses of motherhood but obviously love my kids. Maybe pointing her to this blog. For a moment I felt like a fraud. Then I recalled a conversation I had with a friend and yogi while in California last month. I had expressed my lament for not living authentically for so much of my life specifically in my role as a mom. How I had enforced rules I didn’t necessarily agree with and made an extra effort to fit the mold. Her response to me, “You talk as if you’re done being a mom. Like it’s over. Tomorrow is a new day. You can be whatever kind of mom you want to be starting now.” Thanks Bridgette-you are so right. I can reframe the experience. I can fall in love with being the mom. It’s not too late. And honestly, at this moment I have no excuses. I am following my passions, building a career for myself, and am pretty much supported by my family to do what my heart desires. Shoot, I even got a new car this year.

I don’t always get dinner on the table and the bathrooms aren’t cleaned regularly but I stay up late until the last teenager comes home, I get up most mornings to say “Have a good day!” and I make an effort to be present during every conversation. And despite their lack of religious worship these humans are pretty fantastic. We all have good grades,  we’ve ruled out any serious eating disorders and are void of any substance abuse. 🤞🏻 I’m pretty proud of our brood. So, I guess it’s safe to admit- I kind of like being a mom.

This is my story

To top it all off it feels like summer with a hi of 47 today!

I was originally going to share this with only my nearest and dearest then I thought why? What do I have to hide? In my think tank (aka the shower) I realized my addiction no longer has a hold of me. It’s as though a scab has formed over the memories and I no longer get any joy from them. I have no desire to rip it off and experience any of the exhilarating pain from that wound. It isn’t in the least bit tempting. The life I have now, the place where magic is growing, is so much more than that vice ever provided! Furthermore, it is not accompanied by regret, shame or injury to others. This is an amazing place to be, truly a place of healing. I also commented last night to a friend that my feelings about motherhood have shifted to a more positive space. I testify it is from reading Big Magic (Gilbert) and committing to a daily yoga practice that my heart has changed. Yoga with Adriene daily works on opening your heart space and I know this exercise, this practice is working amazing things in me.

That is all.