It Only Took a Global Pandemic

Yesterday my mama heart grew five sizes. I spent a few uninterrupted hours with the three kids who still live at home. We had well child checks at the pediatrician's office, grabbed lunch from Panda Express and took it to the river to enjoy and capture some pictures of a mermaid. 

I wasn't sure I'd get good attitudes from everyone when I cheerfully woke them up at 9:00 am but they got dressed and ate without any complaining! Poor Ashton had to endure a shot to each shoulder at the doctor's office but it was confirmed they had each grown a few inches and are all in good health. I promised them food in return for enduring their physical exams.

Every year since Kylie was born (2000) we've taken any milestone and annual traditional school pictures at JC Penney's Portrait studios. But this year was an exception. I ended up ordering the boys' portraits from their school shots by Lifetouch for our living room wall. Louie didn't have any individual photos taken at school because it is always scheduled in the spring. So we had the idea to take her mermaid tail to the river for a really unique 3rd grade picture (time is of the essence as 4th grade begins in a few weeks)! Ashton is a promising photographer and agreed to make it happen.

It has been way too long since I have had a stay-at-home-mom moment that rivals yesterday afternoon. As soon as we got to the river and laid down our picnic blanket to share our meal I realized how special this was. I miss being the conductor during the day, orchestrating the details that create the memories. I had three of my kids outside, interacting with each other and it felt like pure bliss. We weren't distracted by phones or work or video games. Ashton and Louie scouted out the perfect spot for her photos and Dylan threw rocks across the river. Once they thought they had captured a few good pictures the kids continued to explore. 

Catching minnows and putting them in a confined puddle of water had them all engaged and happy. I snapped a few pictures, shed a few tears and tried my best to feel all the feels. This moment was etched into my soul. It reminded me of an essay I heard someone recite many years ago- The Day We Flew the Kites by Frances Fowler. 

Watching my children be children (as two have already become adults) was so satisfying. And I understood why I am being called to homeschool them. It is but a short time in our lives that we live at home with our parents. I have spent too many years wishing away this time. I feel like it wasn't until this year that I've come to understand the deep bonds and joy children can bring. Before, I felt trapped and angry that I was unable to do what I wanted to a majority of the time. Oh, the tragedy.

However, it is never too late to be the mother I want to be. COVID-19 has taken away many things from many people but it has given me more than I could have asked for. Being forced to slow down and reevaluate what is truly important has placed me in the position to become who I was meant to be. Our family has never been stronger and my priorities have never been more aligned. I pledge to see my family for the amazing, irreplaceable people they are, love them and guide them to where they want to grow. 

slow and steady wins the race

I feel myself changing. I told Troy last week that I don’t think I’ll be recognizable in a year from now.  Bewildered, he said, “How so?” Well, I don’t imagine I’ll wear any make up by then, my style is morphing and I am choosing not to wear shoes whenever possible. This pause on “normal” has really allowed me to shift more quickly. I’m analyzing my choices. I’ve started to ponder what beauty means to me. What does an inviting home feel like? Is it possible to never go shopping again? I want to continue to learn, to grow, to resist the narrative that no longer makes sense to me, to revert to simpler times. I’ve always heard (and have come to believe) the only things we can take with us when we die are relationships and knowledge. Some people offer both, others none. Can I cultivate deeper connections? Can I sift through and find relevant information? What are the distractions? What is the truth?

Today I French braided my own hair for the first time ever! I don’t think it turned out too bad. I made spaghetti sauce and French bread from scratch. Our salad was picked fresh from the garden and I hung our clothes out to dry. Over the weekend I completely turned off my phone for two whole days-that was strangely enjoyable. I don’t have a car right now so we’ve been juggling for the past two weeks. Troy and I went on a bike ride last night just before dusk. And the hours I’ve spent outside enjoying the sun rival the hours I spent on the farm two years ago. 

I may not be creating a new system or learning an entirely new skill set. But if I can quit comparing myself to the super humans on Instagram and take stock of the things going on right in front of me-it’s evident I’m making progress. That’s my challenge- take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Stream-of-consciousness

I’m really thankful I have people in my house to hug every day. I am beyond ecstatic that my commute has disappeared. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to working in an offsite office. I’m thankful our home is a safe place and comfortable. I am in love with the solace found in the They Shed. I appreciate how thoughtful and resourceful we’ve been forced to become with our essentials shopping and meal planning. I love that the pace of life has slowed dramatically. I miss spending time with friends. I miss live music and drinks and eating out. I miss spontaneous trips to Bend, Oregon. I long for more solitude. I love people but I also crave my alone time. I find it more difficult to meditate when there are people moving around. It’s true everything is made up of energy and it’s all so-interactive. We’re fortunate that even though Troy’s place of employment shut it’s doors last week he has had numerous offers. The kids are all doing well, not complaining too much. I’m proud of them. This is such an unnerving situation and I would think adding the discomfort of youth would make it damn near unbearable. I’m glad I’m quarantined with my lover and can be comforted with sex when we need/want it. It makes me so happy to go outside and tend the garden daily. Also we’ve started our compost-it only took two years. I’m getting more courage to try things, to feed my creativity, to come into my full potential. With all the anxiety and craziness surrounding us it pushes me to realize nothing is more important than being authentic. My desires to make big changes, to challenge the narrative are welcomed by the universe in fact I’m being called. Called to leave some things behind and dive into others. It’s time. Time to fly but I’m still tethered. I’m amazed by my sister who is 198 days sober. I’m impressed that we are all still functioning, moving forward. I actually enjoy having the time to keep up with the household chores. Things are getting cleaned to my standards more often. I’m going back to my roots. I appreciate the interactions I’ve witnessed between siblings, between auntie and nieces and nephews. I’ve enjoyed taking in the night sky-stars and moon. I’ve laid awake, unable to rest. I’ve been drunk earlier than ever before. This is getting to be too much.
I joined a Book Club in Australia, they meet at 3:00am my time by Zoom on Tuesdays. I hope I have the energy to keep attending. I can encourage my husband to help me get things done around the house because he has so many other good qualities I love. If all he needs is a suggestion and/or a helper to do projects, sign me up! I love spending one on one time with people. I love feeling like time isn’t a thing and I can give my full attention to each and every conversation. I am welcoming the challenge of one car between Troy and I. I love working out with Louie. I hate the heavy uncertainty that lingers. I love how early happy hour has become. I love keeping in touch with out-of-state friends. I wonder how many parties we’ll have when we can. The complexity of my emotions leaves me speechless. I feel like it’s difficult to focus. It seems as though anyone might crash at any moment. So how have you been?

Sowing Seeds

Two years ago I was an intern at Earthly Delights Farm. This experience afforded me many benefits. One of which was some lifelong friends. There were four of us who completed the eight month, 10 hours a week course and I regularly communicate with all of them. These people are all so unique and talented and lovable. I am grateful we crossed paths.

One of the other things I gained was a reverence for seeds. On New Years Day this year Troy and I participated in a concert/ritual facilitated by East Forest. During this surreal meditation I was given a profound impression most of the world is missing- Seeds are more valuable than most anything else. Seeds give us life. Without seeds what, how would we eat? It is something I think about often. I find it disturbing that our species understands what we need to survive. We are taught from a very young age about the basic necessities: shelter, food, water, clothing. However, few of us know how to provide these things for ourselves. We just leave it up to somebody else. Does that not seem crazy to anyone else?

When I gave birth to all five of our children we were active in the Mormon church. It is a system that impressively "takes care of its own". After we brought each of the babies home we were given a week's worth of dinners provided by our church family. I remember one woman who was irritated with this tradition. She said we shouldn't rely on others for this particular service. Her thought was a child's birth doesn't come as a surprise. You have plenty of time to prepare your own damn meals and put them in the freezer for when that blessed day arrives. Don't depend on the charity of others to feed your family you created. Be more self reliant.

And that's how I feel like we should be with more of our needs. What if the truckers go on strike? They say we have about 3 days worth of food in the Treasure Valley before our entire community/region would be food insecure. I think it's odd more of us don't have a problem with that. Why don't we take providing for ourselves more seriously? I don't claim to know how but I definitely want to take steps to learn. (Can't wait to get my garden-in-a-box.)

Today I volunteered for a couple of hours at Seedy Saturday, an event sponsored by Edwards Greenhouse and the Snake River Seed Cooperative. My heart was full as I watched the seed saving demonstrations, heard backyard farmers exchange advice, and saw the plethora of varieties of seeds just waiting to be planted.

I'm thankful for my own curiosity that leads me to question what it would take to survive without the constructs of society, our economy, technology. I'm not a prepper but I do find it odd that I couldn't live without a store or money or a car. I want to change that and I'm sincerely looking for others who share the same interest.

What did you do this weekend?

Leading up to my birthday celebration and reflecting on it now, I realize I am a little weird. I didn't have a regular party by any means. We didn't have any alcohol, my husband wasn't invited, we didn't get dressed up- in fact we wore dirt on our faces! Even so, the weekend was epic.

I rented an Airbnb, not far from home, that offered a glamping opportunity. I invited my closest girls including my sisters, mom and oldest daughter. I hired a spiritual healer to lead us in a ritual and read tarot cards. And then I got into planning the details. I crafted a menu that accommodated my vegetarian and GF friends. I purchased candle holders to hang in the woods-one to represent each of the women who show up and shine in my life. I envisioned the ceremony and thought about how I could remind each of my guests how much potential and power each of them possess. As the weather turned cold I had to pull back on my idea of dancing naked in the woods and swimming in the river at midnight. We left out the primal screams and opted for a game of pool and dancing inside instead.

As we walked to the meadow just before dusk I was overwhelmed by the moment. The love I have for my friends, my life, my family, myself filled me with tingles. After being smudged with sage we settled into a circle. I marked each woman with a stripe of charcoal across her face to signify unity. We all looked ridiculous together. As I wiped black dust on her cheeks I told her why she was important to me and what I loved most about her. Once I'd gone around the circle it was suggested I become the object of their affection. Each of these amazing women then took some of the charcoal from their own cheeks, which was in some cases mixed with tears, and distinctly smeared my face while delivering compliments. Then we were led in a short meditation before making the trek back to the bunkhouse. The sun was quickly disappearing and each of them carried a flickering candle in a glass jar with a handle made of ribbon. The view from the rear of the procession was an unexpected highlight. The candles seemed to float as the sky grew dim, they provided just the right amount of light to get us back to the warmth of the building.

The harsh overhead lights of the bunkhouse were replaced by our tiny tea lights and a single lamp that had been tucked away now became a star! We all gathered around the table to be reminded of our fate, future and fortune. After each card's meaning was revealed we discussed and deliberated. I absolutely love depth and knowledge, new perspectives, insights. I love to engage and have epiphanies. We indulged in chocolate and played pool, we shook our booties and our boobies, we laughed and even sang before drifting off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.

After ingesting our morning brew, we went on a nature walk. As we collected pieces that would become part of our mandalas we thanked the plants for sharing their bounty. It was surreal. I had been admiring nature mandalas for months on social media but I was intimidated by their intricacies. I doubted I could create a picture worthy design. However, I found myself in a flow state! I was so pleased with the "compass" I placed in the sweet grass. As I chomped on an apple picked on our walk, I realized if my art blew away or got stepped on it was okay with me. I understood the items I had so carefully placed were similar to the Tibetan prayer flags I had handed my guests the night before. The nature mandalas and the Tibetan prayer flags are both made as offerings. The flags are used to carry prayers on the wind and my simple pattern was meant to bring joy to anyone who might come across it. But both the flags and the art will sooner or later break down and dissolve, being absorbed by the universe. And isn't that true for everything? Every effort we make will eventually simply be just an offering taken up by the universe for the better of all. It isn't about getting recognition it's about contributing-giving.

Looking back, not long ago I wouldn't have had the capacity to host a New Moon gathering. But I am busting out and pushing boundaries. I'm 40 and it feels fabulous. Seriously, I don't know why people complain so much about getting older. I feel like I can tap into who I am, what I really want out of life much easier and I care a whole lot less about what anyone else thinks. I'm exploring so many new things and simultaneously making discoveries about my own gifts. I invite you to come with me now. You won't be sorry- right Ladies?

If only I had set some goals

It has been over five years since I began this blog. I started writing about the trials of motherhood because I didn't know what else to do. I had wanted to give up and instead found solace in a game of make pretend. I pretended I was an employee of the house charged with their care. As they are growing up and leaving the nest my job is becoming more manageable. We definitely still have our challenges but we've grown, my expectations have lessened and we've found more balance.

Stumbling on a fulfilling vocation has shifted the trial from wanting to run from home to wanting to make sure I am there more. The three that are still under our roof are self managing, for the most part. During the work week Troy and I are not home much. They seem to eat, make messes, do some chores, get into some trouble and go missing on occasion. I feel like I am okay with that. We have spontaneous conversations about sex and drugs, relationships, grades and future plans. We do unannounced bedroom and backpack searches when intuition speaks. We try to fix a hot meal and gather daily. This summer we have gone camping, they've had sleepovers, we've hosted BBQs, played Kan Jam, floated the river, played with cousins, and consumed lots of frozen treats.

Looking back the one single action that has had the most positive impact on our family was leaving the church. We are free from trying to conform and it has done wonders for this family.

I have also learned to be good with who I am. I don't mother the way I thought I was "supposed" to  and yet, it is enough. I am doing the best I can with the tools and experience I have and that is all I can do. I check in with my constituents and they know they can come to me when they have grievances.

I no longer feel so strongly about a "right way" of living. There are exponentially fewer battles to fight. Love and let live resonates highly with me. There is no unnecessary pressure to perform, be successful, achieve perfection. I am free to love unconditionally and see the value of different perspectives. By modeling a more open viewpoint I feel our children will be more likely to lift others, have empathy and contribute to their communities in a meaningful way.

All in all I feel like Troy and I make a great team, our kids are headed in the right direction and everything is going to be alright. Cheers to the next five years!

Status Update

On Saturday morning I got to have a rare experience. I was chosen to be one of 12 women to participate in a Miss Wondersmith event. Check out her website she is all around magical. Part of the Rose Medicine event was a tasting menu that she paired with reflective questions. The intention of this event was one of self care. I do fairly well in this department but what came up for me was that I am STILL struggling with my identity as a mother.

Saturday morning while at the event I was taking a break from assisting my director in applying for a federal grant. The application process was grueling, we had less time than was ideal and it was requiring many hours over the weekend. The depth of the tasting menu coupled with how I had been so consumed with work during the kids' entire first week of summer had me feeling pretty absent on the home front. I realized even more than that I had to some degree given up on my maternal duties. With two kids out of the house things are definitely more manageable but I'm not done yet. 

It was the baklava with its multiple layered foundation that made me think about the foundation I'm giving my kids. I am genuinely happy with my life but I am sure that is not what is the message I send when I come in the door and start barking orders to the lazy teenagers on the Xbox. Is that what I want them to build their lives upon? An angry mom who doesn't engage other than to go through the list of things they aren't doing? Who doles out consequences far more often than compliments? Who complains about making dinner and all things domestic? 

Saturday night, after working for a few hours on the grant, Troy and I went out for a date. When we got home we had to remind and enforce the contentious rule of the phone curfew. I caught some swearing under his breath and the infamous "I hate you" from the accused child before he slammed the door. It's no wonder I hate this gig! I don't want to be the enforcer. I don't like managing people. I don't want to be in charge of them. I don't like having to check up on their choices but that is literally my job. I screamed out, "I don't care what you think. It's not my job to be your friend." Troy tried to gently remind me that I was tired and to stop talking because we want them to be able to speak and be heard or something but I just wrapped myself in my comforter and managed to fall asleep fuming.

Sunday brought more time on the grant but we managed to sneak in a desperately needed family meeting. During this time I was told, "I'm getting depressed and it's because of you. I don't like it here and it's your fault. You're never happy and I hate being here." 

"The truth is I get more rewards from work than home. I don't love being a mom. But, I sincerely don't want you to feel that way. I will work on it. What is it that you expect from me?" We had a great dialog and it cleared the air. 

The grant was due Monday at 3:00pm so I was up and gone before they were awake but on the way home I got the encouragement I needed to.... give a fuck. I've been listening to the Aubrey Marcus podcast  and this episode featured Joe Rogan (who before our Saturday night date had no idea who he was -we watched the fights). Joe talked about showing up and doing hard things. He argued that orchestrated, intentional conflict (e.g. tough physical work outs, getting up early, being impeccable with you word), protects us from other forms of drama. So, I committed to reinvest in the family Troy and I created. I've heard the message often enough, "If it scares you that is the thing you need to lean into". Mothering scares me because at this point I feel I have a minuscule amount of control. I feel like no matter what I say, suggest, ask for they will do whatever they are going to do anyway. I feel like I am wasting my breath. I decided maybe that is okay. I won't let that prevent me from giving my all. 

Monday night a plan was crafted for the next morning. With the grant finally complete I wasn't going in to work until the afternoon. I would get up and do my self care yoga and meditation. (I don't know why I'm not better at keeping that routine. It feels so good.) Then Dylan and Louie and I would eat a healthy breakfast (Ashton was invited but not interested) and then walk to the Maverik to get a sweet treat and finally time would be spent at the park on the way home. Tuesday morning went as planned and I felt on top of the world. We chatted about all the things I haven't felt we had the time for, we enjoyed candy before ten in the morning guilt free and were exercising in the sunshine. This experience: the planning, the eating breakfast together, the walk, the conversation reminded me that motherhood can be delicious. I had been trying to ignore this part of my life because I didn't feel like I knew how. I still feel like I need to take a minute to figure out what a detailed acceptable and realistic version of myself as a mother looks like. 

My life has changed dramatically since I started this journey. I need to let go of old ideals. I need to stop comparing myself to the previous version, to my friends' versions, to the fairy tale I had been fed and chose to believe. I am a working mom. I am a curious soul. I need validation. I want to make memories. I want to want to build a foundation on family. I am committed to doing hard things. That is where I am today. Thank you for listening.