Expansion is Tangible

I had a difficult week emotionally and it put me in a vulnerable and self reflective state. Thankfully I was physically surrounded by different supportive friends every day. (That is miraculous for this self labeled hermit.)

While picking up dog poop and mowing the yard I had a download of my power! I finally realized I am whole and do not need anyone else’s approval, respect, or love. I felt very strongly that I can do anything. All that I’ve been reading, contemplating, making time for is coming together. I feel in a flow state when I am working at home. It confirms I am living in my design (see Human Design). The emotions, the vocabulary, the synchronicity, the reciprocity is all there! 

I’ve been soul searching for six years and I thought I knew what direction I was headed in. Yet, it always seemed far out of reach. No, your highest self is where you already are! 🤯 I don’t need to live in a commune or off grid to have peace and happiness! I already have it!!!! We all do, we just have to be willing to see it! 

Additionally, I began this blog almost exactly 7 years ago. And I feel exactly the opposite from how I felt about my kids then. I have found myself and in turn, I  have deeper more authentic relationships with every one of our five children. It took working and going to school for me to realize I wanted nothing more than to be home. And who knows I may eventually go back to work but right now I’m diggin’ making dinner, keeping the house clean, having conversations at any hour of the day with my family and friends, loving my husband, reading books and just being more present. Only after we come to know ourselves can we share with others at a much deeper level. Have any of you experienced a download of truth?

This Mother’s Day I feel like I have done a great job over the past year. I am excited to welcome some attention from my family that day. And I won’t ask my kids to call me Stephanie because I am NOT the Nanny!

More LOVE is always the answer

                                        Art by Mat Harris

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend I know from my church days. It was fantastic! I love it when active Mormons can have an open mind. We were real and I felt validated and heard. We talked about many things that are taboo: addiction, affairs, marijuana, sexual orientation. She is firm in her beliefs but recognizes the culture needs to shift. Church simply needs to be more inclusive. She’s willing to facilitate that change. I feel blessed to know people like her.

The answer is always more LOVE. You can not go wrong with love. You do not need to fix people, judge them, or run from them. Our conversation reminded me of the East Forest meditation concert Troy and I attended on January 1st this year. In that ceremony Ram Dass was quoted through out and the most influential statement was, “I am loving awareness.” I let those words permeate my being and they brought me so much clarity. Simply put, our purpose is to see others with love. It is not my job to instruct, shame, or persuade anyone to change who they are. I will help, guide, listen and advise but only when requested. My relationships are more important than most anything else.

There is an Oreo commercial on Facebook that is simply amazing. Here is the link.

Actions speak louder than words. Don’t just talk about loving one another, show love. 

It Only Took a Global Pandemic

Yesterday my mama heart grew five sizes. I spent a few uninterrupted hours with the three kids who still live at home. We had well child checks at the pediatrician's office, grabbed lunch from Panda Express and took it to the river to enjoy and capture some pictures of a mermaid. 

I wasn't sure I'd get good attitudes from everyone when I cheerfully woke them up at 9:00 am but they got dressed and ate without any complaining! Poor Ashton had to endure a shot to each shoulder at the doctor's office but it was confirmed they had each grown a few inches and are all in good health. I promised them food in return for enduring their physical exams.

Every year since Kylie was born (2000) we've taken any milestone and annual traditional school pictures at JC Penney's Portrait studios. But this year was an exception. I ended up ordering the boys' portraits from their school shots by Lifetouch for our living room wall. Louie didn't have any individual photos taken at school because it is always scheduled in the spring. So we had the idea to take her mermaid tail to the river for a really unique 3rd grade picture (time is of the essence as 4th grade begins in a few weeks)! Ashton is a promising photographer and agreed to make it happen.

It has been way too long since I have had a stay-at-home-mom moment that rivals yesterday afternoon. As soon as we got to the river and laid down our picnic blanket to share our meal I realized how special this was. I miss being the conductor during the day, orchestrating the details that create the memories. I had three of my kids outside, interacting with each other and it felt like pure bliss. We weren't distracted by phones or work or video games. Ashton and Louie scouted out the perfect spot for her photos and Dylan threw rocks across the river. Once they thought they had captured a few good pictures the kids continued to explore. 

Catching minnows and putting them in a confined puddle of water had them all engaged and happy. I snapped a few pictures, shed a few tears and tried my best to feel all the feels. This moment was etched into my soul. It reminded me of an essay I heard someone recite many years ago- The Day We Flew the Kites by Frances Fowler. 

Watching my children be children (as two have already become adults) was so satisfying. And I understood why I am being called to homeschool them. It is but a short time in our lives that we live at home with our parents. I have spent too many years wishing away this time. I feel like it wasn't until this year that I've come to understand the deep bonds and joy children can bring. Before, I felt trapped and angry that I was unable to do what I wanted to a majority of the time. Oh, the tragedy.

However, it is never too late to be the mother I want to be. COVID-19 has taken away many things from many people but it has given me more than I could have asked for. Being forced to slow down and reevaluate what is truly important has placed me in the position to become who I was meant to be. Our family has never been stronger and my priorities have never been more aligned. I pledge to see my family for the amazing, irreplaceable people they are, love them and guide them to where they want to grow. 

slow and steady wins the race

I feel myself changing. I told Troy last week that I don’t think I’ll be recognizable in a year from now.  Bewildered, he said, “How so?” Well, I don’t imagine I’ll wear any make up by then, my style is morphing and I am choosing not to wear shoes whenever possible. This pause on “normal” has really allowed me to shift more quickly. I’m analyzing my choices. I’ve started to ponder what beauty means to me. What does an inviting home feel like? Is it possible to never go shopping again? I want to continue to learn, to grow, to resist the narrative that no longer makes sense to me, to revert to simpler times. I’ve always heard (and have come to believe) the only things we can take with us when we die are relationships and knowledge. Some people offer both, others none. Can I cultivate deeper connections? Can I sift through and find relevant information? What are the distractions? What is the truth?

Today I French braided my own hair for the first time ever! I don’t think it turned out too bad. I made spaghetti sauce and French bread from scratch. Our salad was picked fresh from the garden and I hung our clothes out to dry. Over the weekend I completely turned off my phone for two whole days-that was strangely enjoyable. I don’t have a car right now so we’ve been juggling for the past two weeks. Troy and I went on a bike ride last night just before dusk. And the hours I’ve spent outside enjoying the sun rival the hours I spent on the farm two years ago. 

I may not be creating a new system or learning an entirely new skill set. But if I can quit comparing myself to the super humans on Instagram and take stock of the things going on right in front of me-it’s evident I’m making progress. That’s my challenge- take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Stream-of-consciousness

I’m really thankful I have people in my house to hug every day. I am beyond ecstatic that my commute has disappeared. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to working in an offsite office. I’m thankful our home is a safe place and comfortable. I am in love with the solace found in the They Shed. I appreciate how thoughtful and resourceful we’ve been forced to become with our essentials shopping and meal planning. I love that the pace of life has slowed dramatically. I miss spending time with friends. I miss live music and drinks and eating out. I miss spontaneous trips to Bend, Oregon. I long for more solitude. I love people but I also crave my alone time. I find it more difficult to meditate when there are people moving around. It’s true everything is made up of energy and it’s all so-interactive. We’re fortunate that even though Troy’s place of employment shut it’s doors last week he has had numerous offers. The kids are all doing well, not complaining too much. I’m proud of them. This is such an unnerving situation and I would think adding the discomfort of youth would make it damn near unbearable. I’m glad I’m quarantined with my lover and can be comforted with sex when we need/want it. It makes me so happy to go outside and tend the garden daily. Also we’ve started our compost-it only took two years. I’m getting more courage to try things, to feed my creativity, to come into my full potential. With all the anxiety and craziness surrounding us it pushes me to realize nothing is more important than being authentic. My desires to make big changes, to challenge the narrative are welcomed by the universe in fact I’m being called. Called to leave some things behind and dive into others. It’s time. Time to fly but I’m still tethered. I’m amazed by my sister who is 198 days sober. I’m impressed that we are all still functioning, moving forward. I actually enjoy having the time to keep up with the household chores. Things are getting cleaned to my standards more often. I’m going back to my roots. I appreciate the interactions I’ve witnessed between siblings, between auntie and nieces and nephews. I’ve enjoyed taking in the night sky-stars and moon. I’ve laid awake, unable to rest. I’ve been drunk earlier than ever before. This is getting to be too much.
I joined a Book Club in Australia, they meet at 3:00am my time by Zoom on Tuesdays. I hope I have the energy to keep attending. I can encourage my husband to help me get things done around the house because he has so many other good qualities I love. If all he needs is a suggestion and/or a helper to do projects, sign me up! I love spending one on one time with people. I love feeling like time isn’t a thing and I can give my full attention to each and every conversation. I am welcoming the challenge of one car between Troy and I. I love working out with Louie. I hate the heavy uncertainty that lingers. I love how early happy hour has become. I love keeping in touch with out-of-state friends. I wonder how many parties we’ll have when we can. The complexity of my emotions leaves me speechless. I feel like it’s difficult to focus. It seems as though anyone might crash at any moment. So how have you been?

Sowing Seeds

Two years ago I was an intern at Earthly Delights Farm. This experience afforded me many benefits. One of which was some lifelong friends. There were four of us who completed the eight month, 10 hours a week course and I regularly communicate with all of them. These people are all so unique and talented and lovable. I am grateful we crossed paths.

One of the other things I gained was a reverence for seeds. On New Years Day this year Troy and I participated in a concert/ritual facilitated by East Forest. During this surreal meditation I was given a profound impression most of the world is missing- Seeds are more valuable than most anything else. Seeds give us life. Without seeds what, how would we eat? It is something I think about often. I find it disturbing that our species understands what we need to survive. We are taught from a very young age about the basic necessities: shelter, food, water, clothing. However, few of us know how to provide these things for ourselves. We just leave it up to somebody else. Does that not seem crazy to anyone else?

When I gave birth to all five of our children we were active in the Mormon church. It is a system that impressively "takes care of its own". After we brought each of the babies home we were given a week's worth of dinners provided by our church family. I remember one woman who was irritated with this tradition. She said we shouldn't rely on others for this particular service. Her thought was a child's birth doesn't come as a surprise. You have plenty of time to prepare your own damn meals and put them in the freezer for when that blessed day arrives. Don't depend on the charity of others to feed your family you created. Be more self reliant.

And that's how I feel like we should be with more of our needs. What if the truckers go on strike? They say we have about 3 days worth of food in the Treasure Valley before our entire community/region would be food insecure. I think it's odd more of us don't have a problem with that. Why don't we take providing for ourselves more seriously? I don't claim to know how but I definitely want to take steps to learn. (Can't wait to get my garden-in-a-box.)

Today I volunteered for a couple of hours at Seedy Saturday, an event sponsored by Edwards Greenhouse and the Snake River Seed Cooperative. My heart was full as I watched the seed saving demonstrations, heard backyard farmers exchange advice, and saw the plethora of varieties of seeds just waiting to be planted.

I'm thankful for my own curiosity that leads me to question what it would take to survive without the constructs of society, our economy, technology. I'm not a prepper but I do find it odd that I couldn't live without a store or money or a car. I want to change that and I'm sincerely looking for others who share the same interest.

What did you do this weekend?

Leading up to my birthday celebration and reflecting on it now, I realize I am a little weird. I didn't have a regular party by any means. We didn't have any alcohol, my husband wasn't invited, we didn't get dressed up- in fact we wore dirt on our faces! Even so, the weekend was epic.

I rented an Airbnb, not far from home, that offered a glamping opportunity. I invited my closest girls including my sisters, mom and oldest daughter. I hired a spiritual healer to lead us in a ritual and read tarot cards. And then I got into planning the details. I crafted a menu that accommodated my vegetarian and GF friends. I purchased candle holders to hang in the woods-one to represent each of the women who show up and shine in my life. I envisioned the ceremony and thought about how I could remind each of my guests how much potential and power each of them possess. As the weather turned cold I had to pull back on my idea of dancing naked in the woods and swimming in the river at midnight. We left out the primal screams and opted for a game of pool and dancing inside instead.

As we walked to the meadow just before dusk I was overwhelmed by the moment. The love I have for my friends, my life, my family, myself filled me with tingles. After being smudged with sage we settled into a circle. I marked each woman with a stripe of charcoal across her face to signify unity. We all looked ridiculous together. As I wiped black dust on her cheeks I told her why she was important to me and what I loved most about her. Once I'd gone around the circle it was suggested I become the object of their affection. Each of these amazing women then took some of the charcoal from their own cheeks, which was in some cases mixed with tears, and distinctly smeared my face while delivering compliments. Then we were led in a short meditation before making the trek back to the bunkhouse. The sun was quickly disappearing and each of them carried a flickering candle in a glass jar with a handle made of ribbon. The view from the rear of the procession was an unexpected highlight. The candles seemed to float as the sky grew dim, they provided just the right amount of light to get us back to the warmth of the building.

The harsh overhead lights of the bunkhouse were replaced by our tiny tea lights and a single lamp that had been tucked away now became a star! We all gathered around the table to be reminded of our fate, future and fortune. After each card's meaning was revealed we discussed and deliberated. I absolutely love depth and knowledge, new perspectives, insights. I love to engage and have epiphanies. We indulged in chocolate and played pool, we shook our booties and our boobies, we laughed and even sang before drifting off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.

After ingesting our morning brew, we went on a nature walk. As we collected pieces that would become part of our mandalas we thanked the plants for sharing their bounty. It was surreal. I had been admiring nature mandalas for months on social media but I was intimidated by their intricacies. I doubted I could create a picture worthy design. However, I found myself in a flow state! I was so pleased with the "compass" I placed in the sweet grass. As I chomped on an apple picked on our walk, I realized if my art blew away or got stepped on it was okay with me. I understood the items I had so carefully placed were similar to the Tibetan prayer flags I had handed my guests the night before. The nature mandalas and the Tibetan prayer flags are both made as offerings. The flags are used to carry prayers on the wind and my simple pattern was meant to bring joy to anyone who might come across it. But both the flags and the art will sooner or later break down and dissolve, being absorbed by the universe. And isn't that true for everything? Every effort we make will eventually simply be just an offering taken up by the universe for the better of all. It isn't about getting recognition it's about contributing-giving.

Looking back, not long ago I wouldn't have had the capacity to host a New Moon gathering. But I am busting out and pushing boundaries. I'm 40 and it feels fabulous. Seriously, I don't know why people complain so much about getting older. I feel like I can tap into who I am, what I really want out of life much easier and I care a whole lot less about what anyone else thinks. I'm exploring so many new things and simultaneously making discoveries about my own gifts. I invite you to come with me now. You won't be sorry- right Ladies?