Worth Noting

 I made these ugly ass bird feeders today. I was in flow (keeping my intention to be more creative in 2023). These are my favorite types of activities. It is ritual-last year at the beginning of January I started feeding the birds for the season. It is therapeutic-as my fingers dug into the crunchy peanut butter I healed a part of me that says I’m not fun. It was frugal- empty tp rolls, pb no one in the house was eating, and cornmeal that didn’t fit into the pantry container. It was inspired- thinking about the natural world  as something to interact with is a fairly new concept to me and a passion to learn about. Overall, it felt a little bit odd and that is exactly what I enjoyed about it most. Alone, in my kitchen, as the wind whips outside and Dylan prepares to transfer to a new school the last semester of his senior year.

2023 is like DMT*! Hold on!

*I have never done DMT but from what I’ve heard it is a fast, deep ride you are not able to steer. And I have felt that way for almost the entirety of 2023.

In one week we have moved two of our adult kids, one of them got their wisdom teeth removed, one kid was stranded in an airport over night, there was an infected tattoo that needed an urgent care visit, a 5 day suspension  from school, we’ve had an extra dog all week and a new mattress that is delivering less than the best sleeps. 

Life is ups and downs and way more complex than imaginable. The challenges are no longer scary but welcome. I have learned how to see life through a new lens. My confidence is beginning to return. (I remembered why I lost my confidence. I was such a stalwart Latter Day Saint for so many years. I dedicated my entire being to the church. Upon leaving I felt lost. I didn’t think I would ever want to be a leader or in charge of anything ever again. How could I?! I had been so wrong about so many things. I was embarrassed about my life choices. Who gets married at 18 and has four kids by 25?! Religious zealots, that’s who.) By becoming aware of and accepting more of my dark parts I am also more aware of my talents and light!

Contemplating where I am in the grand scheme of things, I am able to see I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I work extremely part time in child care. I was meditating earlier this week to identify what I truly want, perhaps set some goals for myself. And my first thought was I can’t believe I’m only doing child care at this point. Then I kept on that thought and realized it is my area of expertise. I have been a mother for 22+ years. I know how to run a household. And children are magical beings. They are. What a privilege to spend time playing with them, listening to them, seeing them. 

In working on getting to know myself better I recently admitted I sometimes feel like a failure. By society’s standards I failed. I didn’t finish college, I didn’t make a career for myself, we have a modest home and vehicles, we don’t have any toys, we still use a budget, our house isn’t perfectly decorated, etc. But comparison is the thief of joy. If I sit and look longer I know I did not fail I just took a different route. We are wealthy in family, friends and opportunity. The level of relationship I share with each of my children isn’t worth trading for anything. I am beyond blessed that Troy has always supported me staying home or going to work. I keep getting called home and that is where the biggest growth has happened. I’m still learning to love myself and my family just the way we are.

Although I’d appreciate life to be slower and more peaceful, I’ve discovered I have developed the tools to take a challenging situation and make it okay. In the past I know I would’ve yelled a lot more, said a lot more things I didn’t mean, been a lot less compassionate this week. I want to say I’m proud of myself. I’ve made the choice to look in the mirror and do better. I’m breaking generational patterns. That is no easy task. I’m letting go of negative narratives about myself. We are healing as a family and that is more than enough for me.

Here are my intentions for 2023.

Cultivate more love and kindness for all, especially myself.

I want to witness my life without judgement.

I want to continue to face my fears and by so doing, overcome them.

I want to have a regular gratitude practice.

My four guiding words for the year (according to the first four I saw in a word search on Facebook):

CREATION*CONNECTION*ALIGNMENT*CHANGE

Everyone is responsible for their own shit

When I was growing up in the church, a lot of analogies were used to teach lessons. I remember being in awe of the minds that came up with them. I wished my brain wasn’t so literal. As I’ve matured my mind has expanded and today I was gifted with an analogy too good not to share. 

I enjoy being outside. In fact, last year I met my goal of 1,000 hours outside on October 25th and continued to rack up hours ending with 1,035 total for the year. Currently being outside requires wearing multiple layers and getting my body moving. So about once a week I find myself in the backyard picking up dog poop. I don’t mind and I actually prefer being the responsible one because I think I do the best job. I’ve seen certain people in our home run over piles of dog doo with the lawnmower. I could never do that. I have a good eye and a system to be sure I get it all. 

Today I realized by taking that chore from the dog owners I was actually doing them a disservice. You see, Handsom (Gavin’s dog) had a few accidents in Gavin’s new apartment last night. Gavin assumed he had eaten something he shouldn’t have while in our care the previous day and was furious. However, had Gavin been required to clean up after his own dog more consistently, he would’ve know Handsom’s poop always looks like he’s eaten something he shouldn’t have. So by trying to avoid conflict with our son and doing the most undesirable job in the household, I was displacing responsibility and in this case important information. 

This situation solidified a vital parenting philosophy. Make sure the kids are radically accountable for their actions. It is a value I hold but am only learning how to execute.

This goes for myself as well. I need to clean up my own shit, the messes I make. A couple weeks ago I woke up with a phrase in my mind that has stuck with me, “No one is coming to save you.” It’s so true. If there is a part of my life I’m unhappy with only I am responsible to change it. So while we can be good listeners to those we love, only they can clean up their own shit. And if we try to take responsibility away by helping/enabling, the reality is we’re stunting that person’s growth.

Puberty

Recently while in California visiting my parents, my mom mentioned to me that I have high expectations. Her tone suggested it was something out of balance that warranted my time and reflection. This week I have been  more aware and made some adjustments. 

My thoughts were simply that my level of cleanliness, my standard of completing a job, my intent and care isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. I know, of course it isn’t the same for everyone. But by reminding myself of this it’s allowed me to have more grace for my family. 

While I’m enjoying my front porch coffee, I realized that I made our home a stressful place for many years. I had this vision in my head, this illusion of perfection. And the only tactics I used in my attempts to obtain order were yelling, threats and punishment. Furthermore, the perfection I thought I wanted is the literal opposite of reality. Reality is messy and beautiful. I now think of my role as Organizer of Chaos. I want my children to feel supported in their unique view of this world. It is fascinating when you learn to really listen how differently we all receive the same information. And for years I was actively trying to mold them into what I wanted them to be. The pressure I put on them is damaging, I know because I was also applying it to myself. 

But I was so good at it! I always had straight A’s, I loved school and church and choir. I was the epitome of a good girl. And when I did mess up with boys or the occasional drink/smoke I would sometimes repent and sometimes sweep it under the rug. But I couldn’t process shame so I would pretend it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t admit fault I would move on. To this day I have such a hard time being accountable for my actions when they aren’t favorable. I had an image to uphold, a reputation to keep. And I made a lot of mistakes in trying to maintain. I’ve come to learn I wasn’t in alignment with my highest self. I was internally at war. I was a caged bird.

Leaving the church, learning the art of letting go, and radical self acceptance have given me life. The peace, contentment and gratitude I feel on a daily basis floors me. I am truly living my best life. And I feel more equipped to parent authentically, with capacity to keep a safe space for my children and connect on a much deeper level. I am in want of nothing, I finally find joy in my station in life. I have found the tools to better self regulate my emotions. I’m grateful for opportunity for growth even though that usually means pain. I’m learning to push through the discomfort because it’s always better on the other side. I guess you could say I’m finally growing up. 

Unsolicited Advice

I’m finally figuring it all out! It’s as if a map made just for me (in MY language, so I can read it) has just been unfurled before me. And the most important instructions are to LET IT GO. It is such a fool’s errand to be in pursuit of control. I have fought trying to control my children, my spouse, my family, my friends, situations, and environments my entire life. I had expectations I wanted to fulfill. The truth of the matter is we

are not, nor will we ever be in control of anything other than how we choose to act/react. That’s it.

Kylie and Michael are such good examples to me of letting go. We went on an adventure this past weekend that went south. Basically, we drove two hours to see something really cool but drove home without getting to see it. I couldn’t believe their positivity. It didn’t even ruffle their feathers! They didn’t complain, they didn’t blame they just simply were along for the ride. It helped me see how emotional I make situations that don’t warrant that much energy. (I’m still having a hard time letting go of it!)

The lens I see through today is bright and multicolored. It feels me with joy, love and peace. And life is easy and simple. It truly is. To get here I have to constantly choose to accept life as it is. 

Right now that means I’m not driving because my right foot is in a boot. I don’t know how long it will take to heal but I’ve accepted that. I’m not sad about what I can’t do instead, I’m leaning into a slower pace and allowing myself time to fully heal. I have time to connect with my kids, reflect on my choices and figure out how I want to live my life. I am at peace with it.

My children might make choices that will produce unpleasant outcomes but unless they ask for my advice or permission, I can’t stop them (and even then, they are free to act against my suggestions). But everything we experience is either a success or a lesson. To me both of those options are a win. Some lessons are uglier, harder to endure or even life altering but our kids lives are theirs, not ours. Inhibiting their ability to fail is ultimately stunting.

Letting go also means taking responsibility for my life. I can’t blame anyone else for where I am. It’s not anyone else’s fault that I didn’t finish college, was actively involved in a cult until I was 35, and had an affair. Those were my choices and I learned from them, experienced the natural consequences that accompanied my choices, and have been led to the path I’m on today. We, so often, get in our own way. Interestingly, we’re the only ones who have the power to do that to ourselves. Happily, we also have the power to lift ourselves to freedom and enlightenment.

Equally important to learning to let go is to be honest. So many people are lying to themselves. We tend to cling tightly to beliefs that have been passed down to us even though our own thoughts may not align. Some of us were evenly actively taught when our own thoughts differed from the church or our parents or our peers that we were wrong. That shame is what kept us from exploring and loving ourselves. These patterns are hard to break because we learned them when we were impressionable children. I absolutely love doing the inner work of identifying my core values. I love questioning practically my every thought and deciding why I feel the way I do. Am I thoughtlessly repeating old patterns my parents gave me or have I decided to do something for myself?

It takes time to discover who I am. It took slowing down enough to ponder on my choices. Why did I choose to elevate situations when I could’ve handled them calmly? For example, here are my thoughts for coming home to a messy house. 1) Who cares, we aren’t expecting company and if someone stops by unannounced they’ll see we don’t always have a perfect house. 2) Did I intentionally give the family clear expectations? 3) I might choose to be disappointed with myself for not teaching them more, being more strict while they were younger. Which would lead to becoming irritable because I would tell myself I was/am a shitty mom. 4) I now realize yes and, I did my best, if I want help I can ask them and they will help nine times out of ten without me having to yell or threaten them. 5) My lesson from this weekend if you give things enough time they will resolve themselves.

Most things aren’t worth worrying about. Everything will turn out exactly as it should.

It’s crazy to me that life is so simple and yet so difficult. It is important to be self aware and understand how you are received. You might be surprised how your words and actions are interpreted, it is worth discovering and adjusting. For years I was so self absorbed I didn’t have the capacity to see my short comings. I was insecure and afraid to admit fault. I am seven years out of the church and am still unveiling truths regularly. Truths I was kept too busy to learn. I chose to be constantly in service to “God.” It meant not listening to myself. All I had to do was what I thought God wanted per his “only true church”. (Going to the temple, reading the scriptures daily, praying, serving in the church, blah, blah, blah). But see there’s the problem. We are God/Love/. So if you stifle your own voice by trying to adhere to someone else’s standards/values you eventually can’t hear it anymore. You are constantly battling yourself. Because we were taught the natural man is an enemy to God. I believe our uniqueness is to be celebrated. Diversity is key to a thriving community. All we need to learn can be found in the natural world.

Letting go also means acknowledging that someone else’s choice is best for them. Just because you would’ve done something differently doesn’t mean you need to put judgement on a situation. Let it go. If it isn’t hurting anyone, why does it matter? And if it does directly effect you, how can you handle the situation with love? Often issues can be resolved through transparent, honest communication. That requires both parties to have the confidence and awareness to speak honestly. And to feel safe to do so. Which means both parties have to have spent time in meditation about the issue. Often we don’t take the time to really process a situation before reacting, choosing a side or making up our minds about someone. As we learn more about ourselves it becomes easier to make the most aligned decisions. And as we learn to listen to ourselves we can in turn listen more presently to others and are able to discern between truth and lies. 

“I am loving awareness.” -Ram Dass

And that has been my stream of consciousness for the afternoon. 

An Apology

Last week, during one of our deep and meaningful family discussions, Kylie said, “So that’s why you didn’t love us.” 

It has taken some time for me to process her comment. I can make all the excuses I want. “I wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self.”, “I was brainwashed.”, “I was in survival mode.”  But all of the excuses don’t take away the pain I caused my family. No matter what my intentions were my past actions caused my children and my husband some very real, deep scars. 

A dear friend of ours warned me after my first blog posts of the damage my words might do. I scoffed at her sentiment believing my writing was in the name of my “healing”. I felt justified to slam motherhood. I had been tricked. All the Mormon women surrounding me made it look so easy and fun!

For years I struggled with being domestic and as I’m learning to embrace all of myself, I’ve been shown how much harm that struggle has caused. The trauma of having a spouse or mother consistently threatening to leave is part of their stories. 

I am now to the place in my journey where clarity shows up for moments at a time. I’m beginning to do the work on my dark side. I am not an easy person to live with, create a life with (surprise, surprise). Not only do I not have all the answers, I am just now developing my own set of morals. I am awakening to all that is possible including the infinite ways to journey through life.

I am sorry for making Troy, Kylie, Gavin, Ashton, Dylan and Louie doubt their own self worth. Each one of you hold gifts without measure. I am sorry I projected my own self hatred upon our beautiful home. I am sorry I got caught up in my ego to the degree that I almost lost you dear family. 

Please know I am working at loving myself daily. And in so doing my capacity to love everyone is expanding. I am excited to push myself and my limited perspective. The work to undo the trauma has begun and I can assure you I am diligently trying to create new ways of communicating, being, loving. 

Thanks fam for never giving up on me. For allowing me to continue to be a part of your lives. I hope you can find it within to forgive me. I completely understand it will take time. I still struggle sometimes and I probably always will but, please know I have always loved you and I am here.

 

Expansion is Tangible

I had a difficult week emotionally and it put me in a vulnerable and self reflective state. Thankfully I was physically surrounded by different supportive friends every day. (That is miraculous for this self labeled hermit.)

While picking up dog poop and mowing the yard I had a download of my power! I finally realized I am whole and do not need anyone else’s approval, respect, or love. I felt very strongly that I can do anything. All that I’ve been reading, contemplating, making time for is coming together. I feel in a flow state when I am working at home. It confirms I am living in my design (see Human Design). The emotions, the vocabulary, the synchronicity, the reciprocity is all there! 

I’ve been soul searching for six years and I thought I knew what direction I was headed in. Yet, it always seemed far out of reach. No, your highest self is where you already are! 🤯 I don’t need to live in a commune or off grid to have peace and happiness! I already have it!!!! We all do, we just have to be willing to see it! 

Additionally, I began this blog almost exactly 7 years ago. And I feel exactly the opposite from how I felt about my kids then. I have found myself and in turn, I  have deeper more authentic relationships with every one of our five children. It took working and going to school for me to realize I wanted nothing more than to be home. And who knows I may eventually go back to work but right now I’m diggin’ making dinner, keeping the house clean, having conversations at any hour of the day with my family and friends, loving my husband, reading books and just being more present. Only after we come to know ourselves can we share with others at a much deeper level. Have any of you experienced a download of truth?

This Mother’s Day I feel like I have done a great job over the past year. I am excited to welcome some attention from my family that day. And I won’t ask my kids to call me Stephanie because I am NOT the Nanny!

More LOVE is always the answer

                                        Art by Mat Harris

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend I know from my church days. It was fantastic! I love it when active Mormons can have an open mind. We were real and I felt validated and heard. We talked about many things that are taboo: addiction, affairs, marijuana, sexual orientation. She is firm in her beliefs but recognizes the culture needs to shift. Church simply needs to be more inclusive. She’s willing to facilitate that change. I feel blessed to know people like her.

The answer is always more LOVE. You can not go wrong with love. You do not need to fix people, judge them, or run from them. Our conversation reminded me of the East Forest meditation concert Troy and I attended on January 1st this year. In that ceremony Ram Dass was quoted through out and the most influential statement was, “I am loving awareness.” I let those words permeate my being and they brought me so much clarity. Simply put, our purpose is to see others with love. It is not my job to instruct, shame, or persuade anyone to change who they are. I will help, guide, listen and advise but only when requested. My relationships are more important than most anything else.

There is an Oreo commercial on Facebook that is simply amazing. Here is the link.

Actions speak louder than words. Don’t just talk about loving one another, show love. 

It Only Took a Global Pandemic

Yesterday my mama heart grew five sizes. I spent a few uninterrupted hours with the three kids who still live at home. We had well child checks at the pediatrician's office, grabbed lunch from Panda Express and took it to the river to enjoy and capture some pictures of a mermaid. 

I wasn't sure I'd get good attitudes from everyone when I cheerfully woke them up at 9:00 am but they got dressed and ate without any complaining! Poor Ashton had to endure a shot to each shoulder at the doctor's office but it was confirmed they had each grown a few inches and are all in good health. I promised them food in return for enduring their physical exams.

Every year since Kylie was born (2000) we've taken any milestone and annual traditional school pictures at JC Penney's Portrait studios. But this year was an exception. I ended up ordering the boys' portraits from their school shots by Lifetouch for our living room wall. Louie didn't have any individual photos taken at school because it is always scheduled in the spring. So we had the idea to take her mermaid tail to the river for a really unique 3rd grade picture (time is of the essence as 4th grade begins in a few weeks)! Ashton is a promising photographer and agreed to make it happen.

It has been way too long since I have had a stay-at-home-mom moment that rivals yesterday afternoon. As soon as we got to the river and laid down our picnic blanket to share our meal I realized how special this was. I miss being the conductor during the day, orchestrating the details that create the memories. I had three of my kids outside, interacting with each other and it felt like pure bliss. We weren't distracted by phones or work or video games. Ashton and Louie scouted out the perfect spot for her photos and Dylan threw rocks across the river. Once they thought they had captured a few good pictures the kids continued to explore. 

Catching minnows and putting them in a confined puddle of water had them all engaged and happy. I snapped a few pictures, shed a few tears and tried my best to feel all the feels. This moment was etched into my soul. It reminded me of an essay I heard someone recite many years ago- The Day We Flew the Kites by Frances Fowler. 

Watching my children be children (as two have already become adults) was so satisfying. And I understood why I am being called to homeschool them. It is but a short time in our lives that we live at home with our parents. I have spent too many years wishing away this time. I feel like it wasn't until this year that I've come to understand the deep bonds and joy children can bring. Before, I felt trapped and angry that I was unable to do what I wanted to a majority of the time. Oh, the tragedy.

However, it is never too late to be the mother I want to be. COVID-19 has taken away many things from many people but it has given me more than I could have asked for. Being forced to slow down and reevaluate what is truly important has placed me in the position to become who I was meant to be. Our family has never been stronger and my priorities have never been more aligned. I pledge to see my family for the amazing, irreplaceable people they are, love them and guide them to where they want to grow. 

slow and steady wins the race

I feel myself changing. I told Troy last week that I don’t think I’ll be recognizable in a year from now.  Bewildered, he said, “How so?” Well, I don’t imagine I’ll wear any make up by then, my style is morphing and I am choosing not to wear shoes whenever possible. This pause on “normal” has really allowed me to shift more quickly. I’m analyzing my choices. I’ve started to ponder what beauty means to me. What does an inviting home feel like? Is it possible to never go shopping again? I want to continue to learn, to grow, to resist the narrative that no longer makes sense to me, to revert to simpler times. I’ve always heard (and have come to believe) the only things we can take with us when we die are relationships and knowledge. Some people offer both, others none. Can I cultivate deeper connections? Can I sift through and find relevant information? What are the distractions? What is the truth?

Today I French braided my own hair for the first time ever! I don’t think it turned out too bad. I made spaghetti sauce and French bread from scratch. Our salad was picked fresh from the garden and I hung our clothes out to dry. Over the weekend I completely turned off my phone for two whole days-that was strangely enjoyable. I don’t have a car right now so we’ve been juggling for the past two weeks. Troy and I went on a bike ride last night just before dusk. And the hours I’ve spent outside enjoying the sun rival the hours I spent on the farm two years ago. 

I may not be creating a new system or learning an entirely new skill set. But if I can quit comparing myself to the super humans on Instagram and take stock of the things going on right in front of me-it’s evident I’m making progress. That’s my challenge- take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Stream-of-consciousness

I’m really thankful I have people in my house to hug every day. I am beyond ecstatic that my commute has disappeared. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to working in an offsite office. I’m thankful our home is a safe place and comfortable. I am in love with the solace found in the They Shed. I appreciate how thoughtful and resourceful we’ve been forced to become with our essentials shopping and meal planning. I love that the pace of life has slowed dramatically. I miss spending time with friends. I miss live music and drinks and eating out. I miss spontaneous trips to Bend, Oregon. I long for more solitude. I love people but I also crave my alone time. I find it more difficult to meditate when there are people moving around. It’s true everything is made up of energy and it’s all so-interactive. We’re fortunate that even though Troy’s place of employment shut it’s doors last week he has had numerous offers. The kids are all doing well, not complaining too much. I’m proud of them. This is such an unnerving situation and I would think adding the discomfort of youth would make it damn near unbearable. I’m glad I’m quarantined with my lover and can be comforted with sex when we need/want it. It makes me so happy to go outside and tend the garden daily. Also we’ve started our compost-it only took two years. I’m getting more courage to try things, to feed my creativity, to come into my full potential. With all the anxiety and craziness surrounding us it pushes me to realize nothing is more important than being authentic. My desires to make big changes, to challenge the narrative are welcomed by the universe in fact I’m being called. Called to leave some things behind and dive into others. It’s time. Time to fly but I’m still tethered. I’m amazed by my sister who is 198 days sober. I’m impressed that we are all still functioning, moving forward. I actually enjoy having the time to keep up with the household chores. Things are getting cleaned to my standards more often. I’m going back to my roots. I appreciate the interactions I’ve witnessed between siblings, between auntie and nieces and nephews. I’ve enjoyed taking in the night sky-stars and moon. I’ve laid awake, unable to rest. I’ve been drunk earlier than ever before. This is getting to be too much.
I joined a Book Club in Australia, they meet at 3:00am my time by Zoom on Tuesdays. I hope I have the energy to keep attending. I can encourage my husband to help me get things done around the house because he has so many other good qualities I love. If all he needs is a suggestion and/or a helper to do projects, sign me up! I love spending one on one time with people. I love feeling like time isn’t a thing and I can give my full attention to each and every conversation. I am welcoming the challenge of one car between Troy and I. I love working out with Louie. I hate the heavy uncertainty that lingers. I love how early happy hour has become. I love keeping in touch with out-of-state friends. I wonder how many parties we’ll have when we can. The complexity of my emotions leaves me speechless. I feel like it’s difficult to focus. It seems as though anyone might crash at any moment. So how have you been?

Sowing Seeds

Two years ago I was an intern at Earthly Delights Farm. This experience afforded me many benefits. One of which was some lifelong friends. There were four of us who completed the eight month, 10 hours a week course and I regularly communicate with all of them. These people are all so unique and talented and lovable. I am grateful we crossed paths.

One of the other things I gained was a reverence for seeds. On New Years Day this year Troy and I participated in a concert/ritual facilitated by East Forest. During this surreal meditation I was given a profound impression most of the world is missing- Seeds are more valuable than most anything else. Seeds give us life. Without seeds what, how would we eat? It is something I think about often. I find it disturbing that our species understands what we need to survive. We are taught from a very young age about the basic necessities: shelter, food, water, clothing. However, few of us know how to provide these things for ourselves. We just leave it up to somebody else. Does that not seem crazy to anyone else?

When I gave birth to all five of our children we were active in the Mormon church. It is a system that impressively "takes care of its own". After we brought each of the babies home we were given a week's worth of dinners provided by our church family. I remember one woman who was irritated with this tradition. She said we shouldn't rely on others for this particular service. Her thought was a child's birth doesn't come as a surprise. You have plenty of time to prepare your own damn meals and put them in the freezer for when that blessed day arrives. Don't depend on the charity of others to feed your family you created. Be more self reliant.

And that's how I feel like we should be with more of our needs. What if the truckers go on strike? They say we have about 3 days worth of food in the Treasure Valley before our entire community/region would be food insecure. I think it's odd more of us don't have a problem with that. Why don't we take providing for ourselves more seriously? I don't claim to know how but I definitely want to take steps to learn. (Can't wait to get my garden-in-a-box.)

Today I volunteered for a couple of hours at Seedy Saturday, an event sponsored by Edwards Greenhouse and the Snake River Seed Cooperative. My heart was full as I watched the seed saving demonstrations, heard backyard farmers exchange advice, and saw the plethora of varieties of seeds just waiting to be planted.

I'm thankful for my own curiosity that leads me to question what it would take to survive without the constructs of society, our economy, technology. I'm not a prepper but I do find it odd that I couldn't live without a store or money or a car. I want to change that and I'm sincerely looking for others who share the same interest.

What did you do this weekend?

Leading up to my birthday celebration and reflecting on it now, I realize I am a little weird. I didn't have a regular party by any means. We didn't have any alcohol, my husband wasn't invited, we didn't get dressed up- in fact we wore dirt on our faces! Even so, the weekend was epic.

I rented an Airbnb, not far from home, that offered a glamping opportunity. I invited my closest girls including my sisters, mom and oldest daughter. I hired a spiritual healer to lead us in a ritual and read tarot cards. And then I got into planning the details. I crafted a menu that accommodated my vegetarian and GF friends. I purchased candle holders to hang in the woods-one to represent each of the women who show up and shine in my life. I envisioned the ceremony and thought about how I could remind each of my guests how much potential and power each of them possess. As the weather turned cold I had to pull back on my idea of dancing naked in the woods and swimming in the river at midnight. We left out the primal screams and opted for a game of pool and dancing inside instead.

As we walked to the meadow just before dusk I was overwhelmed by the moment. The love I have for my friends, my life, my family, myself filled me with tingles. After being smudged with sage we settled into a circle. I marked each woman with a stripe of charcoal across her face to signify unity. We all looked ridiculous together. As I wiped black dust on her cheeks I told her why she was important to me and what I loved most about her. Once I'd gone around the circle it was suggested I become the object of their affection. Each of these amazing women then took some of the charcoal from their own cheeks, which was in some cases mixed with tears, and distinctly smeared my face while delivering compliments. Then we were led in a short meditation before making the trek back to the bunkhouse. The sun was quickly disappearing and each of them carried a flickering candle in a glass jar with a handle made of ribbon. The view from the rear of the procession was an unexpected highlight. The candles seemed to float as the sky grew dim, they provided just the right amount of light to get us back to the warmth of the building.

The harsh overhead lights of the bunkhouse were replaced by our tiny tea lights and a single lamp that had been tucked away now became a star! We all gathered around the table to be reminded of our fate, future and fortune. After each card's meaning was revealed we discussed and deliberated. I absolutely love depth and knowledge, new perspectives, insights. I love to engage and have epiphanies. We indulged in chocolate and played pool, we shook our booties and our boobies, we laughed and even sang before drifting off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.

After ingesting our morning brew, we went on a nature walk. As we collected pieces that would become part of our mandalas we thanked the plants for sharing their bounty. It was surreal. I had been admiring nature mandalas for months on social media but I was intimidated by their intricacies. I doubted I could create a picture worthy design. However, I found myself in a flow state! I was so pleased with the "compass" I placed in the sweet grass. As I chomped on an apple picked on our walk, I realized if my art blew away or got stepped on it was okay with me. I understood the items I had so carefully placed were similar to the Tibetan prayer flags I had handed my guests the night before. The nature mandalas and the Tibetan prayer flags are both made as offerings. The flags are used to carry prayers on the wind and my simple pattern was meant to bring joy to anyone who might come across it. But both the flags and the art will sooner or later break down and dissolve, being absorbed by the universe. And isn't that true for everything? Every effort we make will eventually simply be just an offering taken up by the universe for the better of all. It isn't about getting recognition it's about contributing-giving.

Looking back, not long ago I wouldn't have had the capacity to host a New Moon gathering. But I am busting out and pushing boundaries. I'm 40 and it feels fabulous. Seriously, I don't know why people complain so much about getting older. I feel like I can tap into who I am, what I really want out of life much easier and I care a whole lot less about what anyone else thinks. I'm exploring so many new things and simultaneously making discoveries about my own gifts. I invite you to come with me now. You won't be sorry- right Ladies?

If only I had set some goals

It has been over five years since I began this blog. I started writing about the trials of motherhood because I didn't know what else to do. I had wanted to give up and instead found solace in a game of make pretend. I pretended I was an employee of the house charged with their care. As they are growing up and leaving the nest my job is becoming more manageable. We definitely still have our challenges but we've grown, my expectations have lessened and we've found more balance.

Stumbling on a fulfilling vocation has shifted the trial from wanting to run from home to wanting to make sure I am there more. The three that are still under our roof are self managing, for the most part. During the work week Troy and I are not home much. They seem to eat, make messes, do some chores, get into some trouble and go missing on occasion. I feel like I am okay with that. We have spontaneous conversations about sex and drugs, relationships, grades and future plans. We do unannounced bedroom and backpack searches when intuition speaks. We try to fix a hot meal and gather daily. This summer we have gone camping, they've had sleepovers, we've hosted BBQs, played Kan Jam, floated the river, played with cousins, and consumed lots of frozen treats.

Looking back the one single action that has had the most positive impact on our family was leaving the church. We are free from trying to conform and it has done wonders for this family.

I have also learned to be good with who I am. I don't mother the way I thought I was "supposed" to  and yet, it is enough. I am doing the best I can with the tools and experience I have and that is all I can do. I check in with my constituents and they know they can come to me when they have grievances.

I no longer feel so strongly about a "right way" of living. There are exponentially fewer battles to fight. Love and let live resonates highly with me. There is no unnecessary pressure to perform, be successful, achieve perfection. I am free to love unconditionally and see the value of different perspectives. By modeling a more open viewpoint I feel our children will be more likely to lift others, have empathy and contribute to their communities in a meaningful way.

All in all I feel like Troy and I make a great team, our kids are headed in the right direction and everything is going to be alright. Cheers to the next five years!

Status Update

On Saturday morning I got to have a rare experience. I was chosen to be one of 12 women to participate in a Miss Wondersmith event. Check out her website she is all around magical. Part of the Rose Medicine event was a tasting menu that she paired with reflective questions. The intention of this event was one of self care. I do fairly well in this department but what came up for me was that I am STILL struggling with my identity as a mother.

Saturday morning while at the event I was taking a break from assisting my director in applying for a federal grant. The application process was grueling, we had less time than was ideal and it was requiring many hours over the weekend. The depth of the tasting menu coupled with how I had been so consumed with work during the kids' entire first week of summer had me feeling pretty absent on the home front. I realized even more than that I had to some degree given up on my maternal duties. With two kids out of the house things are definitely more manageable but I'm not done yet. 

It was the baklava with its multiple layered foundation that made me think about the foundation I'm giving my kids. I am genuinely happy with my life but I am sure that is not what is the message I send when I come in the door and start barking orders to the lazy teenagers on the Xbox. Is that what I want them to build their lives upon? An angry mom who doesn't engage other than to go through the list of things they aren't doing? Who doles out consequences far more often than compliments? Who complains about making dinner and all things domestic? 

Saturday night, after working for a few hours on the grant, Troy and I went out for a date. When we got home we had to remind and enforce the contentious rule of the phone curfew. I caught some swearing under his breath and the infamous "I hate you" from the accused child before he slammed the door. It's no wonder I hate this gig! I don't want to be the enforcer. I don't like managing people. I don't want to be in charge of them. I don't like having to check up on their choices but that is literally my job. I screamed out, "I don't care what you think. It's not my job to be your friend." Troy tried to gently remind me that I was tired and to stop talking because we want them to be able to speak and be heard or something but I just wrapped myself in my comforter and managed to fall asleep fuming.

Sunday brought more time on the grant but we managed to sneak in a desperately needed family meeting. During this time I was told, "I'm getting depressed and it's because of you. I don't like it here and it's your fault. You're never happy and I hate being here." 

"The truth is I get more rewards from work than home. I don't love being a mom. But, I sincerely don't want you to feel that way. I will work on it. What is it that you expect from me?" We had a great dialog and it cleared the air. 

The grant was due Monday at 3:00pm so I was up and gone before they were awake but on the way home I got the encouragement I needed to.... give a fuck. I've been listening to the Aubrey Marcus podcast  and this episode featured Joe Rogan (who before our Saturday night date had no idea who he was -we watched the fights). Joe talked about showing up and doing hard things. He argued that orchestrated, intentional conflict (e.g. tough physical work outs, getting up early, being impeccable with you word), protects us from other forms of drama. So, I committed to reinvest in the family Troy and I created. I've heard the message often enough, "If it scares you that is the thing you need to lean into". Mothering scares me because at this point I feel I have a minuscule amount of control. I feel like no matter what I say, suggest, ask for they will do whatever they are going to do anyway. I feel like I am wasting my breath. I decided maybe that is okay. I won't let that prevent me from giving my all. 

Monday night a plan was crafted for the next morning. With the grant finally complete I wasn't going in to work until the afternoon. I would get up and do my self care yoga and meditation. (I don't know why I'm not better at keeping that routine. It feels so good.) Then Dylan and Louie and I would eat a healthy breakfast (Ashton was invited but not interested) and then walk to the Maverik to get a sweet treat and finally time would be spent at the park on the way home. Tuesday morning went as planned and I felt on top of the world. We chatted about all the things I haven't felt we had the time for, we enjoyed candy before ten in the morning guilt free and were exercising in the sunshine. This experience: the planning, the eating breakfast together, the walk, the conversation reminded me that motherhood can be delicious. I had been trying to ignore this part of my life because I didn't feel like I knew how. I still feel like I need to take a minute to figure out what a detailed acceptable and realistic version of myself as a mother looks like. 

My life has changed dramatically since I started this journey. I need to let go of old ideals. I need to stop comparing myself to the previous version, to my friends' versions, to the fairy tale I had been fed and chose to believe. I am a working mom. I am a curious soul. I need validation. I want to make memories. I want to want to build a foundation on family. I am committed to doing hard things. That is where I am today. Thank you for listening.

#blessed

Today was amazing. I had an epiphany during my morning meditation. I think I'm finally getting it.  I've been home all week because Louie was sick. And I am so thankful that I didn't have any pressing responsibilities like classes I had to attend, or mandatory work meetings or a demanding internship looming. I could take each morning's fever and stuffy nose and call into the school secretary sans stress. It was beautiful to be present, to be just Mom.

I've been itching for more to do since my farm internship ended almost exactly one month ago. I have so much more time and feel like I should be doing more. But if I had signed up to be PTO president, auditioned for a show or registered for another class I might not have had the luxury to stay home this week. My part-time position at the Idaho Hunger Relief Task Force is the perfect amount of flexibility and purpose. I feel so lucky to be where I am in life. I hope I can hold onto this feeling.

A few Sundays ago I was thinking about the migrant caravan making their way to the United States and how many needs they must have- physical and otherwise. As I scanned the globe on my bookshelf  I wondered how I could help them. Immediately I was reminded I have a house full of people who need my help every day. I believe the most impactful thing I can do right now is to be present. It has taken me so many years to get to this point. I still feel there is more out there for me to learn and do and become but after juggling full-time school, an internship, and work I am satisfied to be attending parent/teacher conferences, putting together a box of food for my Freshman, having talks with my purple-haired boy, helping discipline them all for the stupid choices they make- being Mom.

The second reason today was so amazing was dinner. Last night I made potatoes au gratin and tonight I made a potato and corn chowder. What happened when we combined the two was fucking delicious! Orgasmic! Out of this world! I hope tomorrow is half as wonderful.

I’d like to bear my testimony....

Jessica posted a video from my birthday reminding me of my wish. “To be more authentic.” I’ve been mulling around some ideas that would fulfill said wish. Here we go.

The LDS religion is chalk full of traditions. One of which is fast & testimony meeting. This happens on the first Sunday of every month. The members attend their regular Sabbath worship having begun fasting either the night before or earlier that day (suggestion is 24 hours or 3 meals still unsure, varies by family). During sacrament meeting, anyone in the congregation is welcome to approach the pulpit and bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel (this is often supported by antidotes).

I would like to create the opportunity to bear my testimony of the growth, freedom, and happiness I have found since I have discovered MY truth. I am a better person, more grounded, educated and aware than I have ever been before. I may have said some of these things publicly before but, just as the Mormons reiterate their beliefs monthly, I would like to repeat the peace that I now feel in following my conscience. I am directed by my intuition as I always have been but now I  claim those “promptings” as my own. Those inspirations don’t come from some “Holy Ghost” only when I am in the right place, at the right time. I get answers to my most difficult questions by pondering, meditating and listening....TO MYSELF!!! My friend Paula’s words come to mind, “Life prepares you for all you need to do.” We can tap into the memories, experiences, wisdom, and power from within. We can trust OURSELVES to make the best choice. Trust the process. Trust life, trust the universe. Before -I lived in fear. Fear that if I didn’t keep the commandments the church teaches I wouldn’t be able to receive guidance. Total bullshit. I am a fully capable being who doesn’t need to wait to be prompted or told what to do next, where to move, who to contact, etc. When you are living in the present, mindfully, the universe speaks to you. It is NOT necessary to pray or read scriptures to hear YOUR message.

Furthermore, my relationships with my kids have been strengthened. Currently, four of them are teenagers which makes the situation tense. They balk at the few rules we do have- checking in, turning in electronic devices at night, doing chores and homework. I can’t imagine if we had remained active in the LDS church how much more contentious our home would be. I’m so glad Troy and I have found our OWN boundaries and expectations for our family. “Because the prophet said so”, simply has no merit.

Leaving the church has presented me with curiosity. Learning about other cultures, religions, philosophies, and lifestyles has been refreshing, slow and uncomfortable at times. I can’t believe the amount of fear that many religious people openly exhibit in their words, judgments and actions. But I get it, I was there. As a parent you desperately want your kids to follow the plan you have laid out for them in your head. You feel if they are exposed to certain things they will take on negative attributes so you try to shield them from the world or at least the “bad” people, the less desirable humans. I no longer subscribe to the idea of Satan, right and wrong, good and evil. Everyone is trying their best with what tools they have. Empathy and love go a lot farther than a call to repentance.

I don’t believe we need a savior. Why would we? Why should we believe there is something inherently wrong with us? That we are an enemy to ourselves? It’s bizarre to me that I dutifully followed a belief system that has no more proof than that of the Greek gods.

I find it much more believable that every object has a spirit and should be respected than that God talks to a man who then speaks with authority to tell thousands of people how they should behave in order to be worthy of His love and to maybe one day live in his presence.

I’ve heard people say, "Even if the church isn’t true then at least I will have led a good life." In a bubble? With massive limitations?  It is a beautiful thing to unwind with a beer, enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, wear whatever clothing I choose, shop on Sunday, be accountable to only myself and those I come in contact with, the list goes on. And I have no qualms about my behavior. The funny thing is I’ve discovered many church members don’t think I’m a bad person either. So why in the hell are they stressing themselves out? Trying to get to the celestial kingdom? Trying to become enlightened? To make their calling and election made sure? To join deceased loved ones in heaven? Do you honestly think if you lose a child prematurely in this life (and heaven is anything like what you imagine) that if you aren’t sealed to that child in the temple you won’t be with them? That is absurd to me! I can’t believe it. And that was when everything became clear. Religion is man-made.

One more thing, the church recently made a video that showed people helping others and said this is what religion looks like.  https://youtu.be/yrwK_twhea8 All I could think was “Or this is what being a decent person looks like.” For years I allowed someone/something else to dictate my actions, words, and thoughts. Why? Why do churches need to retain memberships? Money? What else is in it for them? People can be perfectly happy without it. Communities can be built with far fewer stipulations.

I am free to struggle and frame my life the way I want. I know I will be fine even if I never set foot in a church, pay tithes, or interview with a bishop again. In fact, I may just have my name removed from their records.  So I can leave this world the way I entered it- no attachments to any institutions.

You may be wondering why. Why did I put these thoughts down into words and share them. With all the terrible things going on in the world ie.globalization and modern colonization, broken school systems, broken health care systems, privatized prisons, broken homes, addictions, human trafficking.... with all that goes on- I often feel helpless. However, I can use my voice to have an impact. I'm thankful someone had a conversation with me that made me question my religion. Perhaps there is someone out there who will read this looking for the encouragement to find the strength to change their life. I want that questioning person to know religion is unnecessary for (and often impedes)  spriritual growth,  a blessed life, friends, knowledge, and inspiration.

There you have it-the most authentic version of me.

I’m alive

                                                                        It’s been almost a week since we watched our oldest child cross the stage from high school into the world. I had a passing thought during the ceremony that I hadn’t had a chance to really digest until this morning. In the past six days I’ve prepared and served 3 meals for people (other than our little family), worked 8.5 hours, been on the farm for 11+hours, done 14 hours of homework, gone to a concert, dealt with a most unruly teen, been on my period and flew to Salt Lake City.

It has been a most peaceful morning. I arrived around 9:30am and have found a bench in the beautiful sunshine to decompress. I’ve meditated, observed, smiled, made a list of things I’m grateful for and simply enjoyed being alive while waiting for one of my treasured childhood friends to pick me up. It was over the course of these past couple hours I was reminded of the passing notion I had Saturday at graduation.

What if I had left for good? What if Troy and I had divorced all those years ago? How would that little girl have been changed? How would I have been able to help her know she is supported by me, for always? I had desperately wanted my freedom. It pained me, as I would lay in bed at night, that I had been committed to a domesticated life. I assumed I would never be happy- at least not while I was married and raising kids.

One of my colleagues on the farm said her mother told her how hard marriage is before she got married. Paraphrasing our conversation, her mother made mention it is common to spend years “out of love” with your spouse. That marriage is much more than getting through a bad fight, it is the foundation of a family. Marriage is what creates comfort, a home, childhoods.

Yes, being a parent puts you in chains no doubt. But, it is just for a season. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Support your spouse so he can support you. I feel a bit sheepish on this side of what seemed an impossible trial. I have an amazing man by my side and my love for him grows everyday.

Troy we beat the odds. I’m glad to be your partner. We got this. 💗

I’m spoiled

Saturday morning at Fiddler’s Green (pregame dig)

I met a new friend at the soccer field yesterday. She is a single mom who has cheated death on more than one occasion and believes everything happens for a reason including the fact that we happened to sit next to each other. Our conversation spanned many places and topics. Of course it began with our boys of whom we were watching and both of which scored a goal! She mentioned how ecstatic she was to be witness to her son’s game, since he recently moved in with his dad three hours away, and was only with her for the weekend. (He signed up to play months ago and happened to still be on the roster!) When I revealed we have five kids she marveled and mentioned how she would have loved to have a large family. When the game was over we exchanged phone numbers, hugged and made plans to meet at the community garden midweek.

Later that same evening Troy and I were working on the yard and I realized the conversation I had at the field marked the first time for as long as I could remember I made no remarks about how I felt cursed by the responsibility of motherhood. I had let her believe I was more like her than even I initially believed. I considered coming clean the next time I see her. Perhaps mentioning, as I often do, how much I detest the stresses of motherhood but obviously love my kids. Maybe pointing her to this blog. For a moment I felt like a fraud. Then I recalled a conversation I had with a friend and yogi while in California last month. I had expressed my lament for not living authentically for so much of my life specifically in my role as a mom. How I had enforced rules I didn’t necessarily agree with and made an extra effort to fit the mold. Her response to me, “You talk as if you’re done being a mom. Like it’s over. Tomorrow is a new day. You can be whatever kind of mom you want to be starting now.” Thanks Bridgette-you are so right. I can reframe the experience. I can fall in love with being the mom. It’s not too late. And honestly, at this moment I have no excuses. I am following my passions, building a career for myself, and am pretty much supported by my family to do what my heart desires. Shoot, I even got a new car this year.

I don’t always get dinner on the table and the bathrooms aren’t cleaned regularly but I stay up late until the last teenager comes home, I get up most mornings to say “Have a good day!” and I make an effort to be present during every conversation. And despite their lack of religious worship these humans are pretty fantastic. We all have good grades,  we’ve ruled out any serious eating disorders and are void of any substance abuse. 🤞🏻 I’m pretty proud of our brood. So, I guess it’s safe to admit- I kind of like being a mom.

This is my story

To top it all off it feels like summer with a hi of 47 today!

I was originally going to share this with only my nearest and dearest then I thought why? What do I have to hide? In my think tank (aka the shower) I realized my addiction no longer has a hold of me. It’s as though a scab has formed over the memories and I no longer get any joy from them. I have no desire to rip it off and experience any of the exhilarating pain from that wound. It isn’t in the least bit tempting. The life I have now, the place where magic is growing, is so much more than that vice ever provided! Furthermore, it is not accompanied by regret, shame or injury to others. This is an amazing place to be, truly a place of healing. I also commented last night to a friend that my feelings about motherhood have shifted to a more positive space. I testify it is from reading Big Magic (Gilbert) and committing to a daily yoga practice that my heart has changed. Yoga with Adriene daily works on opening your heart space and I know this exercise, this practice is working amazing things in me.

That is all.