I’m alive

                                                                        It’s been almost a week since we watched our oldest child cross the stage from high school into the world. I had a passing thought during the ceremony that I hadn’t had a chance to really digest until this morning. In the past six days I’ve prepared and served 3 meals for people (other than our little family), worked 8.5 hours, been on the farm for 11+hours, done 14 hours of homework, gone to a concert, dealt with a most unruly teen, been on my period and flew to Salt Lake City.

It has been a most peaceful morning. I arrived around 9:30am and have found a bench in the beautiful sunshine to decompress. I’ve meditated, observed, smiled, made a list of things I’m grateful for and simply enjoyed being alive while waiting for one of my treasured childhood friends to pick me up. It was over the course of these past couple hours I was reminded of the passing notion I had Saturday at graduation.

What if I had left for good? What if Troy and I had divorced all those years ago? How would that little girl have been changed? How would I have been able to help her know she is supported by me, for always? I had desperately wanted my freedom. It pained me, as I would lay in bed at night, that I had been committed to a domesticated life. I assumed I would never be happy- at least not while I was married and raising kids.

One of my colleagues on the farm said her mother told her how hard marriage is before she got married. Paraphrasing our conversation, her mother made mention it is common to spend years “out of love” with your spouse. That marriage is much more than getting through a bad fight, it is the foundation of a family. Marriage is what creates comfort, a home, childhoods.

Yes, being a parent puts you in chains no doubt. But, it is just for a season. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Support your spouse so he can support you. I feel a bit sheepish on this side of what seemed an impossible trial. I have an amazing man by my side and my love for him grows everyday.

Troy we beat the odds. I’m glad to be your partner. We got this. 💗

I’m spoiled

Saturday morning at Fiddler’s Green (pregame dig)

I met a new friend at the soccer field yesterday. She is a single mom who has cheated death on more than one occasion and believes everything happens for a reason including the fact that we happened to sit next to each other. Our conversation spanned many places and topics. Of course it began with our boys of whom we were watching and both of which scored a goal! She mentioned how ecstatic she was to be witness to her son’s game, since he recently moved in with his dad three hours away, and was only with her for the weekend. (He signed up to play months ago and happened to still be on the roster!) When I revealed we have five kids she marveled and mentioned how she would have loved to have a large family. When the game was over we exchanged phone numbers, hugged and made plans to meet at the community garden midweek.

Later that same evening Troy and I were working on the yard and I realized the conversation I had at the field marked the first time for as long as I could remember I made no remarks about how I felt cursed by the responsibility of motherhood. I had let her believe I was more like her than even I initially believed. I considered coming clean the next time I see her. Perhaps mentioning, as I often do, how much I detest the stresses of motherhood but obviously love my kids. Maybe pointing her to this blog. For a moment I felt like a fraud. Then I recalled a conversation I had with a friend and yogi while in California last month. I had expressed my lament for not living authentically for so much of my life specifically in my role as a mom. How I had enforced rules I didn’t necessarily agree with and made an extra effort to fit the mold. Her response to me, “You talk as if you’re done being a mom. Like it’s over. Tomorrow is a new day. You can be whatever kind of mom you want to be starting now.” Thanks Bridgette-you are so right. I can reframe the experience. I can fall in love with being the mom. It’s not too late. And honestly, at this moment I have no excuses. I am following my passions, building a career for myself, and am pretty much supported by my family to do what my heart desires. Shoot, I even got a new car this year.

I don’t always get dinner on the table and the bathrooms aren’t cleaned regularly but I stay up late until the last teenager comes home, I get up most mornings to say “Have a good day!” and I make an effort to be present during every conversation. And despite their lack of religious worship these humans are pretty fantastic. We all have good grades,  we’ve ruled out any serious eating disorders and are void of any substance abuse. 🤞🏻 I’m pretty proud of our brood. So, I guess it’s safe to admit- I kind of like being a mom.

This is my story

To top it all off it feels like summer with a hi of 47 today!

I was originally going to share this with only my nearest and dearest then I thought why? What do I have to hide? In my think tank (aka the shower) I realized my addiction no longer has a hold of me. It’s as though a scab has formed over the memories and I no longer get any joy from them. I have no desire to rip it off and experience any of the exhilarating pain from that wound. It isn’t in the least bit tempting. The life I have now, the place where magic is growing, is so much more than that vice ever provided! Furthermore, it is not accompanied by regret, shame or injury to others. This is an amazing place to be, truly a place of healing. I also commented last night to a friend that my feelings about motherhood have shifted to a more positive space. I testify it is from reading Big Magic (Gilbert) and committing to a daily yoga practice that my heart has changed. Yoga with Adriene daily works on opening your heart space and I know this exercise, this practice is working amazing things in me.

That is all.

The church kept me sober

In my younger years, I could be quoted as saying, “If it weren’t for the church I would be a lesbian prostitute living in San Francisco.” I think the reference to lesbian would be acknowledging my love for other people regardless of gender and the idea of freedom without boundaries. Prostitute because it’s probably the position that would require the least morals (obviously without the church I would be plum out of morals!) and San Francisco because I loved that city. I should have added “and drunk”.

I count myself lucky that addiction didn’t completely ruin me. It is a lifelong struggle but our minds are so incredibly powerful. I am healing and find no need for my vice going forward. 

As I work on relinquishing all anger toward my 25 years of servitude to the Mormon church I find I am very blessed to have started my responsibilities before I was even of legal age to consume alcohol. Drinking has always had to be a recreational sport. When you have four children under the age of five you might not have much else but you sure have a healthy serving of purpose. I never had the luxury of day drinking and for that, I sing praises to the Word of Wisdom. That set of guidelines I took for truth. That book of rules that sets Latter Day Saints apart even though the clergy varies so vastly with consequences for any infractions. (From probation to denying re-entry to BYU to “We all make mistakes”.) Upon making my transition out of the fold it was one of the things many active members confessed they bent every now and then. Hell, some of them take full weekends off annually. Or consider vacations somehow exempt from the no alcohol guideline- among others.What a fool I was. I honestly believed if I drank or smoked I would be denied serious blessings like admittance to the Celestial Kingdom or the ability to hear the “Holy Ghost” (aka my conscience).

Before I left at age 35 I could count the number of times I had been intoxicated on ONE hand! Anyway, I now indulge responsibly on occasion, always with a plan of how we’ll get home safely. I am thankful I lived blindly for awhile because that’s probably the only reason I survived without some kind of drug addiction. I’m not being sarcastic, I was just struck by this silver lining as I showered and wondered how I could help those around me who haven’t been so lucky.

Big magic comes from the littlest moments

I only wrote three posts last year.

Recently, I have been absorbing so much information but concurrently I've experienced a loss for words. I have been in different situations, studying a language and concepts that were previously foreign to me, and it has been so difficult to form eloquent sentences or even find the vocabulary to coherently convey what I'm thinking.

Two weeks is a long vacation from school. Yes, I enjoy sleeping in and am dreading the 6am alarm that will wake me up on Monday morning but, I could do without days on end of restless boredom. Fortunately, I found the key to a happier existence this week and even though I'll be wrapping up winter break with hours at work I feel better prepared for future holidays and virtually every day actually.

I started to read a book called Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of  Eat, Pray, Love. (Side Note: One of my very best friends picked up the audio version of the book and we had such an inspiring, connected conversation. It was so cool that she listened when I told her what I was reading and then joined the club. That is the good kind of surprise!) It is life changing. Along with my daily, at home yoga practice I think I've really unlocked a secret. Her whole book is about living a creative life. So, since I'm a doer I put that into practice and I kicked ass on Tuesday. I used my mundane tasks as canvases/challenges to see my world in a new way. I made my bed differently, hung a tapestry on one wall in our room, made lunch for the kids and used the antique red glass plates, wore my hair in two buns as opposed to one, took my time and had fun wrapping some belated Christmas gifts, and instead of yelling I yodeled to the 14-year-old. And you know what? I got a yodel back!

Then today Louie wanted to paint the top of the pineapple after I cut it all up. Sure why the hell not?! We were born to create things, beauty, joy. We were born to LIVE.

Over the past few months, I have been listening, eagerly for messages from the universe/God. (I like universe some of you may prefer God.) I have been open to finding answers about my future, career path, how to best parent our teens, what my talents are, how to live life to the fullest, what makes me happy, how to show love the way others want to be loved and all the other questions that float through my consciousness.

And I am getting answers every day in some of the most unusual ways. And the answers aren't: go back to church, search the scriptures, pray about it, pay your tithing, stop seeking secular knowledge. The answers are: keep doing yoga it's how your tummy will feel better, add coconut oil to your coffee, invite your son's boyfriend over, learn to organize the marginalized so they can empower themselves, add 1/2 a tsp of baking powder to the eggs to make the shells come off easily, go to Viewpoints on Saturday, tell your friends when they come up in your dreams, read more, learn more, do more of what feels good.

I absolutely love repetition. You know when you see something or learn something and then it reappears and you can say "Oh yes, I know about that" or when a coincidence happens and you feel like the universe is watching out for you because you hadn't told a single soul but somehow somebody knows anyway.

I feel like I'm living in a magical world. Because I am. We are- all of us.

The eclipse is upon us

Spokane Lantern Fest May 2017 photo credit Ashton Cooper

Being mindful is something I've been working on. To me, being mindful means being present, living with purpose and it is a vital component to feeling balanced.

I have been very choosy about my activities. I don't work more shifts than I feel comfortable even though my boss constantly asks for more of my time, I haven't auditioned since January,  and I stopped scanning Craigslist for gigs. I am excited about Mindful Mondays on campus and have drawn out a weekly block schedule.

I'm also learning I'm not as open minded as I thought I was. I definitely have opinions and emotional reactions to situations, music, people. I recently accompanied Troy to a concert I had no interest in seeing and had to fake it. However when we finally decided to leave I couldn't hold back the tears! I had been so uncomfortable. I felt like my ears were bleeding. And if it's a musician I love I wouldn't mind being packed like a sardine rubbing shoulders with the man who apparently shaves his arms and were scratchy as hell. But I could not wait for this show to wind down. Maybe I should've had more to drink or maybe I shouldn't have gone. After that experience and a few recent dance nights downtown I've come to realize it's about quality not quantity. I love to dance but I've always hated provocative, grinding movements. Call me a prude. I remember slapping boys at every junior high school dance for getting too close. I think I'm done with the club scene, I'd rather have a dance party in my living room Drescher style.

I suppose I hate missing out or the idea that I might miss out if I stay home. But that doesn't have to mean doing something I don't like. And I don't have to like everything.

Having an awful time at that concert gave me empathy for our son who doesn't enjoy theater (in fact he says it makes him sick to his stomach). The way I felt was almost unbearable and now I understand how he felt the evening he ruined Miracle on 34th Street for me last year.

As I embark on my junior year at Boise State I'm listening and trying to be in tune to find my precise path. I'm not sure exactly what profession I will end up in but I'm certain being mindful will guide me the right way.

The most important thing I want to teach my kids is how to make a decision. I believe there are "multiple paths to the summit" and no matter what we will all be okay. However, there is something special when the universe aligns and life feels easy, when choices are made with thought and spiritual confirmation.

Summertime and the Living is Easy

So much has happened this year to catapult me into....well, serenity.  Some things carried on longer than were comfortable- an emotional affair, underemployment, activity in the church, pity parties to highlight a few. But now, I feel absolutely balanced and ready to face the challenges life offers.

Early spring brought me a truly inspired gift. I was rolling out bread dough and I had an intense feeling come over me. I found myself in tears as something spoke to me in regards to my life's mission and educational plans. I had the distinct feeling that my life is going to include something on a more global scale. I recalled in my year spent at the College of Western Idaho I had taken three internationally themed classes: Refugees in Idaho, Education Around the World and World Religion. I feel like my calling is going to involve diversity. I felt impressed that what ever work I'm going to do is going to be bigger than myself. It was such a clear and unexpected message.  It felt so amazing to receive divine revelation without any prior petition. I shared my experience with a couple choice friends and after a few weeks of wondering what to do was led to a brand new major that will be premiering this fall at Boise State-Global Studies. I couldn't believe it. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going but I feel like I am in sync with the divinity within. Figuring out Global Studies would be my new major was almost more exciting than finding out I was pregnant for the first time. I was beyond excited. In the middle of trying to convey my feelings to my family I stopped and realized the words I know are  inadequate. There was no real way to describe the joy and purpose I was experiencing. I had the thought- maybe the elation was just for me. Maybe it isn't possible to portray the depth or height of some very select emotions. Maybe you can't position the blade at the right angle to cut your heart open to reveal an accurate view of something so personal. No one cares about your life as much as you do. Truly.

Spring also brought Troy a new job opportunity. He was recruited by a third party and after three interviews, including being flown out of state for a day, he started work with Wall To Wall Stone Corp. This move has been life changing. We finally got new flooring after 3 years. We had a fun filled, worry free California vacation without having to pack our pantry for the meals en route. With money for small treats, new clothing, and one on one dates I actually enjoy being a parent. Life without the extreme financial stress feels like we're cheating. We've really been missing out. I mean I knew we were missing out in the obvious literal ways but I had no idea how good it feels to not worry how we are going to make it through the month. Just the other day I recorded in my journal, "This morning I woke up with a profound sense that I have all that I need. I find I remind myself in the moments I start to get upset that there is no reason to be angry because I am very happy with my life."

And as I am becoming who I know I am and can be - I'm understanding even better all the whys and what fors. In fact it occurred to me that maybe having kids first and going to school later in life might actually make the most sense. In May I graduated from the junior college summa cum laude, the kids are going to be grown before we're too old and I'm young enough to have a career even after a few more years of college. Perhaps this should have been my plan all along. I think I'll adopt it now. So girls, get married right out of high school, have your kids and then a career. Life isn't passing you by when you're at home up to your ears in diapers at age 22.  Of course I wouldn't write out Kylie's future to match mine but I do have a fresh perspective sans the anger of yesterday. I feel hopeful I will get to fulfill all my dreams and have grandkids too.