Puberty

Recently while in California visiting my parents, my mom mentioned to me that I have high expectations. Her tone suggested it was something out of balance that warranted my time and reflection. This week I have been  more aware and made some adjustments. 

My thoughts were simply that my level of cleanliness, my standard of completing a job, my intent and care isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. I know, of course it isn’t the same for everyone. But by reminding myself of this it’s allowed me to have more grace for my family. 

While I’m enjoying my front porch coffee, I realized that I made our home a stressful place for many years. I had this vision in my head, this illusion of perfection. And the only tactics I used in my attempts to obtain order were yelling, threats and punishment. Furthermore, the perfection I thought I wanted is the literal opposite of reality. Reality is messy and beautiful. I now think of my role as Organizer of Chaos. I want my children to feel supported in their unique view of this world. It is fascinating when you learn to really listen how differently we all receive the same information. And for years I was actively trying to mold them into what I wanted them to be. The pressure I put on them is damaging, I know because I was also applying it to myself. 

But I was so good at it! I always had straight A’s, I loved school and church and choir. I was the epitome of a good girl. And when I did mess up with boys or the occasional drink/smoke I would sometimes repent and sometimes sweep it under the rug. But I couldn’t process shame so I would pretend it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t admit fault I would move on. To this day I have such a hard time being accountable for my actions when they aren’t favorable. I had an image to uphold, a reputation to keep. And I made a lot of mistakes in trying to maintain. I’ve come to learn I wasn’t in alignment with my highest self. I was internally at war. I was a caged bird.

Leaving the church, learning the art of letting go, and radical self acceptance have given me life. The peace, contentment and gratitude I feel on a daily basis floors me. I am truly living my best life. And I feel more equipped to parent authentically, with capacity to keep a safe space for my children and connect on a much deeper level. I am in want of nothing, I finally find joy in my station in life. I have found the tools to better self regulate my emotions. I’m grateful for opportunity for growth even though that usually means pain. I’m learning to push through the discomfort because it’s always better on the other side. I guess you could say I’m finally growing up. 

Unsolicited Advice

I’m finally figuring it all out! It’s as if a map made just for me (in MY language, so I can read it) has just been unfurled before me. And the most important instructions are to LET IT GO. It is such a fool’s errand to be in pursuit of control. I have fought trying to control my children, my spouse, my family, my friends, situations, and environments my entire life. I had expectations I wanted to fulfill. The truth of the matter is we

are not, nor will we ever be in control of anything other than how we choose to act/react. That’s it.

Kylie and Michael are such good examples to me of letting go. We went on an adventure this past weekend that went south. Basically, we drove two hours to see something really cool but drove home without getting to see it. I couldn’t believe their positivity. It didn’t even ruffle their feathers! They didn’t complain, they didn’t blame they just simply were along for the ride. It helped me see how emotional I make situations that don’t warrant that much energy. (I’m still having a hard time letting go of it!)

The lens I see through today is bright and multicolored. It feels me with joy, love and peace. And life is easy and simple. It truly is. To get here I have to constantly choose to accept life as it is. 

Right now that means I’m not driving because my right foot is in a boot. I don’t know how long it will take to heal but I’ve accepted that. I’m not sad about what I can’t do instead, I’m leaning into a slower pace and allowing myself time to fully heal. I have time to connect with my kids, reflect on my choices and figure out how I want to live my life. I am at peace with it.

My children might make choices that will produce unpleasant outcomes but unless they ask for my advice or permission, I can’t stop them (and even then, they are free to act against my suggestions). But everything we experience is either a success or a lesson. To me both of those options are a win. Some lessons are uglier, harder to endure or even life altering but our kids lives are theirs, not ours. Inhibiting their ability to fail is ultimately stunting.

Letting go also means taking responsibility for my life. I can’t blame anyone else for where I am. It’s not anyone else’s fault that I didn’t finish college, was actively involved in a cult until I was 35, and had an affair. Those were my choices and I learned from them, experienced the natural consequences that accompanied my choices, and have been led to the path I’m on today. We, so often, get in our own way. Interestingly, we’re the only ones who have the power to do that to ourselves. Happily, we also have the power to lift ourselves to freedom and enlightenment.

Equally important to learning to let go is to be honest. So many people are lying to themselves. We tend to cling tightly to beliefs that have been passed down to us even though our own thoughts may not align. Some of us were evenly actively taught when our own thoughts differed from the church or our parents or our peers that we were wrong. That shame is what kept us from exploring and loving ourselves. These patterns are hard to break because we learned them when we were impressionable children. I absolutely love doing the inner work of identifying my core values. I love questioning practically my every thought and deciding why I feel the way I do. Am I thoughtlessly repeating old patterns my parents gave me or have I decided to do something for myself?

It takes time to discover who I am. It took slowing down enough to ponder on my choices. Why did I choose to elevate situations when I could’ve handled them calmly? For example, here are my thoughts for coming home to a messy house. 1) Who cares, we aren’t expecting company and if someone stops by unannounced they’ll see we don’t always have a perfect house. 2) Did I intentionally give the family clear expectations? 3) I might choose to be disappointed with myself for not teaching them more, being more strict while they were younger. Which would lead to becoming irritable because I would tell myself I was/am a shitty mom. 4) I now realize yes and, I did my best, if I want help I can ask them and they will help nine times out of ten without me having to yell or threaten them. 5) My lesson from this weekend if you give things enough time they will resolve themselves.

Most things aren’t worth worrying about. Everything will turn out exactly as it should.

It’s crazy to me that life is so simple and yet so difficult. It is important to be self aware and understand how you are received. You might be surprised how your words and actions are interpreted, it is worth discovering and adjusting. For years I was so self absorbed I didn’t have the capacity to see my short comings. I was insecure and afraid to admit fault. I am seven years out of the church and am still unveiling truths regularly. Truths I was kept too busy to learn. I chose to be constantly in service to “God.” It meant not listening to myself. All I had to do was what I thought God wanted per his “only true church”. (Going to the temple, reading the scriptures daily, praying, serving in the church, blah, blah, blah). But see there’s the problem. We are God/Love/. So if you stifle your own voice by trying to adhere to someone else’s standards/values you eventually can’t hear it anymore. You are constantly battling yourself. Because we were taught the natural man is an enemy to God. I believe our uniqueness is to be celebrated. Diversity is key to a thriving community. All we need to learn can be found in the natural world.

Letting go also means acknowledging that someone else’s choice is best for them. Just because you would’ve done something differently doesn’t mean you need to put judgement on a situation. Let it go. If it isn’t hurting anyone, why does it matter? And if it does directly effect you, how can you handle the situation with love? Often issues can be resolved through transparent, honest communication. That requires both parties to have the confidence and awareness to speak honestly. And to feel safe to do so. Which means both parties have to have spent time in meditation about the issue. Often we don’t take the time to really process a situation before reacting, choosing a side or making up our minds about someone. As we learn more about ourselves it becomes easier to make the most aligned decisions. And as we learn to listen to ourselves we can in turn listen more presently to others and are able to discern between truth and lies. 

“I am loving awareness.” -Ram Dass

And that has been my stream of consciousness for the afternoon. 

An Apology

Last week, during one of our deep and meaningful family discussions, Kylie said, “So that’s why you didn’t love us.” 

It has taken some time for me to process her comment. I can make all the excuses I want. “I wasn’t in alignment with my authentic self.”, “I was brainwashed.”, “I was in survival mode.”  But all of the excuses don’t take away the pain I caused my family. No matter what my intentions were my past actions caused my children and my husband some very real, deep scars. 

A dear friend of ours warned me after my first blog posts of the damage my words might do. I scoffed at her sentiment believing my writing was in the name of my “healing”. I felt justified to slam motherhood. I had been tricked. All the Mormon women surrounding me made it look so easy and fun!

For years I struggled with being domestic and as I’m learning to embrace all of myself, I’ve been shown how much harm that struggle has caused. The trauma of having a spouse or mother consistently threatening to leave is part of their stories. 

I am now to the place in my journey where clarity shows up for moments at a time. I’m beginning to do the work on my dark side. I am not an easy person to live with, create a life with (surprise, surprise). Not only do I not have all the answers, I am just now developing my own set of morals. I am awakening to all that is possible including the infinite ways to journey through life.

I am sorry for making Troy, Kylie, Gavin, Ashton, Dylan and Louie doubt their own self worth. Each one of you hold gifts without measure. I am sorry I projected my own self hatred upon our beautiful home. I am sorry I got caught up in my ego to the degree that I almost lost you dear family. 

Please know I am working at loving myself daily. And in so doing my capacity to love everyone is expanding. I am excited to push myself and my limited perspective. The work to undo the trauma has begun and I can assure you I am diligently trying to create new ways of communicating, being, loving. 

Thanks fam for never giving up on me. For allowing me to continue to be a part of your lives. I hope you can find it within to forgive me. I completely understand it will take time. I still struggle sometimes and I probably always will but, please know I have always loved you and I am here.

 

Expansion is Tangible

I had a difficult week emotionally and it put me in a vulnerable and self reflective state. Thankfully I was physically surrounded by different supportive friends every day. (That is miraculous for this self labeled hermit.)

While picking up dog poop and mowing the yard I had a download of my power! I finally realized I am whole and do not need anyone else’s approval, respect, or love. I felt very strongly that I can do anything. All that I’ve been reading, contemplating, making time for is coming together. I feel in a flow state when I am working at home. It confirms I am living in my design (see Human Design). The emotions, the vocabulary, the synchronicity, the reciprocity is all there! 

I’ve been soul searching for six years and I thought I knew what direction I was headed in. Yet, it always seemed far out of reach. No, your highest self is where you already are! 🤯 I don’t need to live in a commune or off grid to have peace and happiness! I already have it!!!! We all do, we just have to be willing to see it! 

Additionally, I began this blog almost exactly 7 years ago. And I feel exactly the opposite from how I felt about my kids then. I have found myself and in turn, I  have deeper more authentic relationships with every one of our five children. It took working and going to school for me to realize I wanted nothing more than to be home. And who knows I may eventually go back to work but right now I’m diggin’ making dinner, keeping the house clean, having conversations at any hour of the day with my family and friends, loving my husband, reading books and just being more present. Only after we come to know ourselves can we share with others at a much deeper level. Have any of you experienced a download of truth?

This Mother’s Day I feel like I have done a great job over the past year. I am excited to welcome some attention from my family that day. And I won’t ask my kids to call me Stephanie because I am NOT the Nanny!

More LOVE is always the answer

                                        Art by Mat Harris

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend I know from my church days. It was fantastic! I love it when active Mormons can have an open mind. We were real and I felt validated and heard. We talked about many things that are taboo: addiction, affairs, marijuana, sexual orientation. She is firm in her beliefs but recognizes the culture needs to shift. Church simply needs to be more inclusive. She’s willing to facilitate that change. I feel blessed to know people like her.

The answer is always more LOVE. You can not go wrong with love. You do not need to fix people, judge them, or run from them. Our conversation reminded me of the East Forest meditation concert Troy and I attended on January 1st this year. In that ceremony Ram Dass was quoted through out and the most influential statement was, “I am loving awareness.” I let those words permeate my being and they brought me so much clarity. Simply put, our purpose is to see others with love. It is not my job to instruct, shame, or persuade anyone to change who they are. I will help, guide, listen and advise but only when requested. My relationships are more important than most anything else.

There is an Oreo commercial on Facebook that is simply amazing. Here is the link.

Actions speak louder than words. Don’t just talk about loving one another, show love. 

It Only Took a Global Pandemic

Yesterday my mama heart grew five sizes. I spent a few uninterrupted hours with the three kids who still live at home. We had well child checks at the pediatrician's office, grabbed lunch from Panda Express and took it to the river to enjoy and capture some pictures of a mermaid. 

I wasn't sure I'd get good attitudes from everyone when I cheerfully woke them up at 9:00 am but they got dressed and ate without any complaining! Poor Ashton had to endure a shot to each shoulder at the doctor's office but it was confirmed they had each grown a few inches and are all in good health. I promised them food in return for enduring their physical exams.

Every year since Kylie was born (2000) we've taken any milestone and annual traditional school pictures at JC Penney's Portrait studios. But this year was an exception. I ended up ordering the boys' portraits from their school shots by Lifetouch for our living room wall. Louie didn't have any individual photos taken at school because it is always scheduled in the spring. So we had the idea to take her mermaid tail to the river for a really unique 3rd grade picture (time is of the essence as 4th grade begins in a few weeks)! Ashton is a promising photographer and agreed to make it happen.

It has been way too long since I have had a stay-at-home-mom moment that rivals yesterday afternoon. As soon as we got to the river and laid down our picnic blanket to share our meal I realized how special this was. I miss being the conductor during the day, orchestrating the details that create the memories. I had three of my kids outside, interacting with each other and it felt like pure bliss. We weren't distracted by phones or work or video games. Ashton and Louie scouted out the perfect spot for her photos and Dylan threw rocks across the river. Once they thought they had captured a few good pictures the kids continued to explore. 

Catching minnows and putting them in a confined puddle of water had them all engaged and happy. I snapped a few pictures, shed a few tears and tried my best to feel all the feels. This moment was etched into my soul. It reminded me of an essay I heard someone recite many years ago- The Day We Flew the Kites by Frances Fowler. 

Watching my children be children (as two have already become adults) was so satisfying. And I understood why I am being called to homeschool them. It is but a short time in our lives that we live at home with our parents. I have spent too many years wishing away this time. I feel like it wasn't until this year that I've come to understand the deep bonds and joy children can bring. Before, I felt trapped and angry that I was unable to do what I wanted to a majority of the time. Oh, the tragedy.

However, it is never too late to be the mother I want to be. COVID-19 has taken away many things from many people but it has given me more than I could have asked for. Being forced to slow down and reevaluate what is truly important has placed me in the position to become who I was meant to be. Our family has never been stronger and my priorities have never been more aligned. I pledge to see my family for the amazing, irreplaceable people they are, love them and guide them to where they want to grow. 

slow and steady wins the race

I feel myself changing. I told Troy last week that I don’t think I’ll be recognizable in a year from now.  Bewildered, he said, “How so?” Well, I don’t imagine I’ll wear any make up by then, my style is morphing and I am choosing not to wear shoes whenever possible. This pause on “normal” has really allowed me to shift more quickly. I’m analyzing my choices. I’ve started to ponder what beauty means to me. What does an inviting home feel like? Is it possible to never go shopping again? I want to continue to learn, to grow, to resist the narrative that no longer makes sense to me, to revert to simpler times. I’ve always heard (and have come to believe) the only things we can take with us when we die are relationships and knowledge. Some people offer both, others none. Can I cultivate deeper connections? Can I sift through and find relevant information? What are the distractions? What is the truth?

Today I French braided my own hair for the first time ever! I don’t think it turned out too bad. I made spaghetti sauce and French bread from scratch. Our salad was picked fresh from the garden and I hung our clothes out to dry. Over the weekend I completely turned off my phone for two whole days-that was strangely enjoyable. I don’t have a car right now so we’ve been juggling for the past two weeks. Troy and I went on a bike ride last night just before dusk. And the hours I’ve spent outside enjoying the sun rival the hours I spent on the farm two years ago. 

I may not be creating a new system or learning an entirely new skill set. But if I can quit comparing myself to the super humans on Instagram and take stock of the things going on right in front of me-it’s evident I’m making progress. That’s my challenge- take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.