My current state of mind

Here I go again. I am craving drama. I am twidling my thumbs. Over six weeks ago we put a low ball offer on a short sale. We have yet to start negotiations. I feel like my hands are tied. I can't start boxing up the stuff worth moving and I don't have any desire to clean out the garden beds in fear that we won't be here to watch the tomatoes turn.

"Desperate housewives" is a completely appropriate description-desperate for love, attention, excitement, spontaneity, energy, desire, fulfillment. I am particularly desparate for the peace and quiet-the oppertunity to be alone. To figure out or find the woman I have inside me. Full time motherhood tends to lend itself to helping us forget our worth and what we really want out of this life we are stumbling through.

Wednesday mornings when I have no other place to be but home, with all children rushed off to another "torturous" day of school-my soul rejoices and I feel as though I might float straight up and leave hand prints on the ceiling. I dance my ass off and I feel amazing for a little over two hours. (A big shout out to Miss Carolyn.) I've thought about doing some housework in the buff but I'm sure that would scare my neighbors-but oh the freedom that would ignite-soaring on wings of Eagles.

After I threw a fit this week desparately seeking space from my daily duties -namely our inquisitive 3 year old-Troy declared Saturday as Stephanie's Day.  It didn't feel real until he assured me they would manage without me last night-Friday. I was left to plan my golden day of solitude, guilt free. 

Nowhere I wanted to go opened until 9am so I planned to sleep in. Then I would go to Khol's and spend the credit from my Christmas returns. I would leisurely shop with no complaints, whining, ticking of the clock, unruliness. I could glare at the other mothers who let their kids run around as if the store was a playground-if I was that kind of person. Ha.

I also wanted to spend a good portion at the "crazy store" where I have yet to take certain members of my family-they wouldn't appreciate it. If you need to know where this venue is or what it is -pm me.

And I definitely wanted to spend time at Barnes and Noble for three purposes-to finish the ebook I was reading Fatal Light, to write, and to peruse the books to see if anything fell off the shelf in some act of fate-granting me a new hobby. But this new hobby has such small parameters I don't know if it will find me. It has to be something I can become passionate about or at least like a lot, it can't cost a small investment, it can't be something that takes an hour to set up and/or put away. So basically I'm left with learning to knit a scarf-only that most definitely does not fulfill the first requirement. Sigh.

This morning of my glorious so dubbed Stephanie's Day (kind of catchy isn't it?),  right away Troy had a lot of juggling to do. Kylie had a chiropractic appointment down town (about 35 min away), he had to get his Grammy's beans to the church, and Ashton to his friend's parents' gym before they left without him. He also needed to get the beans to an acceptable temp so that the tasters could be served relatively warm not cold straight from the fridge and my crock pot was most definitely not going anywhere-tricky. I took the two drop offs but had to make the comment-"Being the Mom isn't easy is it?" He didn't like that and threw something back under his breath. With a peck and a sarcastic "Have a good day"-I was outy. It wasn't until the errands were complete and I was headed to Khol's, music blaring did my Colgate smile make an appearance. Then I almost couldn't wipe it off-almost. The whole day to do whatever I could think of. Well maybe not whatever but I was finally able to breathe and not out of frustration (a habit Louie has picked up-it's quite effective and pretty cute when she does it-(the breathing out of frustration part)).

It was so rewarding. I was ecstatic. No one interrupted my songs or my thoughts and I was in no hurry. I took some of the precious sunshine to ponder for a bit. I came to the realization that the reason I had to jab Troy about trying to do my job today is because I want him to recognize how much brain power, intuition, skill it takes to make our world turn. Not just him, I want all humanity to respect. I need someone to validate my occupation as worthy of doing. It is a beast to tackle everyday. It is mundane and not at all inspiring or motivational. Any of you spend forty hours a week on laundry alone? That's what I thought.

So I either need to find a hobby to enjoy or pull out the nanny hat and become the best damn employee Troy has ever had. Maybe both.

I have to give props to Troy, the man is amazing. When I called at about the time I said I'd be home to extend my alone time-he gave such an impressive report his exact words:

               "You get as long as you want. Come back at midnight if u want. I am just leaving to take Lou to library then go get ash. Danny and his bro are here playing with gav and d. Kylie is juggling in back yard."

Wow. I couldn't have done it better myself and he was probably more graceful than I. You know what this means-more Stephanie Days- I know they'll manage.

Ugh. Who takes their kids to the bookstore on a Saturday afternoon?  Just kidding. But seriously. 

I'm a Mom (a.k.a. Bad Ass)

I've been reading (okay listening to) American Sniper-about the life of Chris Kyle. The voice of this patriot is inspiring. He tells of all of his Navy SEAL training-the mental and physical exhaustion that he pushed through to become a great warrior. I find myself inspired to work harder and to do more, to push through being tired to finish the dishes before going to bed. Compared to his grueling nonstop training and mock tortures, I have no reason to complain. I need to focus and work hard to excel at the tasks at hand -then I am interrupted.

Listening to him talk about his motivation and his unwavering desire to serve and get things done is really cool. But I can have a desire and really want to get things done and then I hear "MOM!". I purposely don't plan things so I can be available for our five kids. So often the unexpected happens and I'm glad I am around to be there, to help. 

To become a Navy SEAL, to become a doctor, to become a lawyer, to become CEO, to become a fireman, to become a famous actress-read a book, go to college, pass the test. To become any of these herealded professionals you have to master yourself and only yourself. The path to obtain personal goals is laid out all you have to do is follow it but how do you incorporate a large family? 

What I'm trying to say is that I believe in myself. I know I could accomplish anything that I want if I could have... a focused thought! If I didn't have to worry about homework that wasn't getting turned in, sewing scout patches onto uniforms, getting rides coordinated, making sure seven people have clean socks that fit, finding the spare truck key.....endless. I picture single-without spouse and/or child(ren)-professionals as blind to how the other half lives. If I was single I think I'd probably float away. To be alone all day?! People carry a weight when they are home. It's not bad just sort of distracting. Hell, I can feel them even when they aren't home. I have a hard time turning the music up too loud-what if something happens and the school nurse can't get a hold of me?  To only have to worry about myself would be amazing. 

On the flip side of that-no matter what I might be sacrificing or giving up or passing up or not becoming-I am choosing to be Mom. My 2015 mantra is "I am here." (It was chosen by a Facebook quiz but it fits, it's simple and do able.) Being here, showing up is half the battle. Being moral support is so important. Being a parent is crazy hard and I don't think it'll ever culminate with some lifetime achievement rather it will evolve and the challenges will stretch us farther than we thought possible. All we are required to do is be there and try. I think for me-I need to let that be enough. I need to recognize that what I am doing is what a professional mom looks like. It's messy rooms, irregular hours, unhappy children, lost receipts, bread that didin't rise, a late utility bill, ugly seams. But it is also soccer games and dance performances, Christmas choirs, giggling girls, basketball games, late night talks, texts, facebook hugs, thank yous, chocolate chip cookie dough, camping, family nights, day trips and dinners.

Yesterday the boys were all in the kitchen helping me get dinner ready and Gavin and I started singing songs from Into the Woods. We were having a blast belting and Ashton innocently, encouragingly said,"Mom you should get back into musicals. You should live your dream. You're wasting your life being just a mom." Oh Ash-I am living my dream! I love my family and feel pushed and challenged in my consistently changing life! Even if the "challenge" is sometimes just making the choice to be here. Sure the tasks are never ending but that doesn't mean that the work I do accomplish is worth any less. Even though I sometimes feel like they'd be better off without me, I know the truth is they wouldn't. Nor would I be without them.

I guess what I have concluded is that I am accomplishing my goals and living my dreams-I am here and committed to be  the best wife and mom I can be while gaining tools and training along the way. I've found my focus and can have happiness as I accept the work I do as challenging and imperfectly perfect. I may not make a huge impact on the world or have a triple digit salary but if I can say I gave it all I had-that's alright by me.

I'm done

So we finished the 90 day fitness challenge and I was pretty pleased with my results. 

What I've realized is that when I'm not watching I have a tendency to slip backward down the hill of self doubt. I start to come undone. It only takes a moment and the loop of negative self talk gets started-"I can't", "I am not capable of doing this", "everyone would be better if I wasn't here".

It's really not all that different from slipping down the hill of poor eating habits or being completely unmotivated to get up early and work out. When we are under attack by any number of offensives we revert, we make poor decisions. I can always justify eating junk when I'm stressed. "It makes me feel better". (Especially when I'm so hasty that some of the snacks fall to the floor as I try to put a whole handful in my mouth.)

The key is to recognize the destruction at the onset. Look for the signs of a migraine and take the Aleve as soon as you see any of them. When you feel that you are going to scavenge the house for candy-stop. Take a moment before potentially making yourself sick and find a place to be alone. Thinking about, meditating, mulling over your problems is the first step to a solution.

In an effort to avoid a melt down I try to figure out what the hell my problem is. Maybe I reached my breaking point because I haven't made the time to shower. Often we just need to reset, recommit, rethink. If I can't retreat I just take a moment to close my eyes, take a deep breath, let go of everything and feel. This grounds me, reminds me that I am independent of the past choices I've made and that I can do more than I think I can. 

The fitness challenge helped me to gain the control I had let go of. I was reminded of my capacity to do. I acquired a belief in myself and when I got a little discouraged it was not hard to find strength because of what I had accomplished that morning at the gym. 

When we become an adult-whatever age that is-we realize life is truly a reflection of our choices. We have the power to be and do anything we want to and on the flip we choose the consequences that come from the absence of action.

We will soon begin a new year, let's decide what the future will be, plan how we'll make it happen and what we'll do with the setbacks.

Peace and Love

I love you too

I can't walk through life facing backwards

I have tried,

Tried more than once to just make sure

And I was denied

The future I'd been searching for

I spun around and hurt no more

                          -Jason Mraz

 

I am now facing the future. I have to make up for the past in many ways. I had seriously failed my kids this summer. I was grotesquely selfish (as opposed to the regular dose of selfish that I am anyway). Thankfully children are resilient and incredibly forgiving. 

And now I want nothing more than to serve my kids, advocate for them, spare them bus rides, to make up for the lost time. I've dropped things that are not essential. Even our morning work outs seem like a burden. I could be helping them prepare for the day with more time.

Where did these feelings emerge from?

I had questioned if I had ever chosen them for company. I was so far removed I had lost the ability to remember the good times- I doubted the good times even existed. I couldn't fathom that I had enjoyed my maternal job.

I have found such joy in these people that I get to spend my days with. They are truly amazing. I have become one of the sappy ones. I love being a mom. No, seriously. I had been looking backwards trying to find happiness. Really? Really?

If I hadn't figured this thing out...well, we all know what that looks like.

 

We go through times of growth and it can be painful, lonely. Thank you for listening to me gripe, letting me know I'm not alone and leaving your judgement at home. Obviously not everyone feels possessed to bear all their soul to the swarms of internet readers but I hope you found my flight enlighting or in the least entertaining.

Kylie. The girl who loves primping, boys and Milk Duds. She starts driver's ed. on Monday!

Louie. The grown up 3-yr old who keeps us laughing but oh how we love when she's sleeping.

Gavin. The young man who we adore. His talents are many.

Ashton. Our creative, witty, middle child.

Dylan. This kid is almost always happy and LOVES learning.

Ready, Set, Go!

I'm convinced the past 3 days of vay cay have undone the past 3 weeks of healthy eating and the habit of getting up at 5 am to get worked. 

It's fascinating to me how demo only takes a splinter of a fraction of the time it takes to erect a building.

Fabricating a habit, a building, a life- is tough work. It takes endless hours of engineering, meetings, planning and the like. It takes your whole heart and soul.

I look forward to seeing my sweet family, I definitely needed a break and feel revived. It's time to hold hands with my husband and blaze a trail that will leave a legacy of hopefully good memories and unity-that's the goal. Time to draw up the blue prints.

The view from my outdoor shower this morning-last day in beautiful Savannah.

Life in Savannah

I love staying with friends. The understanding and closeness that develops as you journey with them in their day to day life can best be accomplished in the flesh. The dearest friends are the ones who you can pick up where you left off a few years ago and make fantastic new memories with.

I have been so impressed with Alison. She is an accommodating hostess-amazingly so not having any prep time or time to mentally prepare (we surprised her with our visit). She is an organized, successful, confident working mother and wife. Naturally I find myself comparing my life with hers. Surprisingly, I have not felt bad that I don't measure up in areas but rather I want to glean from her working systems and take that knowledge home with me. 

Something I've come to remember most recently is if you don't plan- you plan to fail. Just knowing what your duties are doesn't in itself propel you to get it done. Having a strategy is vital. 

There are a couple people in my circle who have the gift to fix most any situation. I'm not a complete failure at it but the part I'm not in tune with sometimes is identifying the problem and at other times being aware that there is a way to stop the insanity. I think those two go hand in hand. If you can't see or are too busy to seek the solution you may not want to admit there is a problem in the first place.

I'm referring to the day to day-the division of chores, the chaos of the weekday morning, the sibling rivalaries, the lack of one on one time. There are answers to these very real, stressful, upsetting problems that plague family life. There are better ways to do things. 

We need to stop complaining and figure out how to change what isn't working to what does. The first step is to stop and sit down to figure it out. What if you had a running list of your household issues, then you could turn them into daily exercises. "Dick and Jane can't seem to agree on who should be responsible for doing the bills. What could they do?", "Bobby and Jimmy share a room but keep each other awake at night. The boys are hard to wake up in the morning. What can Mom and Dad do to fix this problem?", "The kids point out things that need to be cleaned but Mom can't do it all. Who should be the one to rid the silverware caddy of crumbs?". 

Sometimes all that needs to be done is to label some bins to make things easier to find, sometimes a parent teacher conf needs to be scheduled, sometimes there is no easy fix and the issue will need to be revisited many times as you try different recipes.

We can't expect things to change without taking action. Complaining is not proactive and you can not depend on others to remedy your problems. Help has to be solicited in a direct manner. "I need help making sure the mail is picked up daily-Dylan that will be your job after school." Done.

Take control, come up with a plan, carry it out. Thanks Al for having a working, running household. It's good to see one in action.

Tybee Island. Put our feet in the Atlantic.

I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are -Mary Lambert

I am undergoing a reformation, I've hinted at it before but I haven't revealed just how ugly things have been. Saturday Troy and I went to the kick off for the Fitmania 90 day challenge that we've committed to "Finish Strong". There was a woman who was admirably courageous. Of the question, "Why is it important to you to take the time to get fit now?" She responded (in a room of health conscious people many of them toned), "I'm sick of being left out. I am so overweight that there are things I simply can't do." She wasn't wallowing in self pity she was determined to change. I was so impressed with that honesty. And so here I go sharing my uncomfortable truths.



With my desperation to get out of my current domesticated life I created a fantasy world. I reunited with a high school crush of mine via email. Soon we were texting and talking on the phone, in secret of course. This stimulating exchange of words filled a space in my life that I mistakenly thought he was the only one who could.  As we took our cliché  walk down memory lane I began to try to match my ideals with the ones that he possessed. Just one child, money to spare, and eventually I even thought I wanted a life without religion-boundaries. I had come undone. I stopped praying, I thought how could I go to God who was undoubtedly disappointed with my choices, when I wasn't in the least repentant. In fact the conversations were the only thing keeping me alive. I looked forward to my afternoon escapes-hours of humor with someone who knew me well, who I had history with and who was able to make me forget about the daunting, overwhelming, depressing life I had developed for myself.


Lying by omission was causing me to have physical side effects. I was often dizzy and had stomach aches, my appetite disappeared, I was unable to concentrate on much of anything excluding myself and I believe my countenance lost it's usual glow.  I felt the aliments building and knew if I just stopped talking to my flame I would instantly feel better but I couldn't break free of this addiction.


I knew if I told Troy he would shut it down and rightfully so. He would force me to give up my phone, stop blogging, delete my Facebook account trying to keep me away from temptation. Trying to fight the battle for me. I needed to do it myself. So for a few months I kept my dirty little secret. Only my mother knew the depth of my involvement and my attempts to self destruct. I had no idea of how it would end. Finally my friend responded to my unraveling pleas for help and direction with some wise words-ultimately saving myself from becoming a divorcee. He made a metaphor that struck me with my own epiphany. He related my fantasy to a box. A box of memorabilia that you may think you can't possibly get rid of and put it in the attic for just in case, for some day. That box most likely will sit and it's contents may fade and doubtless collect dust. He said if you don't use those items packed away after years of taking up space why not have thrown the box away in the first place? All they really are are memories. That was when it hit me. He is just a past boyfriend, just a memory from high school. His recent words and time were not meant to be spent on me. He and I needed to be with our spouses bettering our real lives. This fantasy was just a mix of could've, should've, would'ves that ultimately weren't ever meant to be. It was a huge waste of time. I had fallen so far behind in my real life. My kids had been neglected- left to watch TV all day and eat candy, cereal and chicken nuggets. I had shirked most of my responsibilities. I was a closet addict.


After I threw the box away, the memories remained and I had to push them to the back of the shelf and put lots of books and what not in front of them to hide them from view. I have been successful at leaving them there out of sight, out of mind. I met with my counselor who unveiled the truth that one of the things I craved and found in this other man was-ironically- pure honesty. My amazing husband often chooses what will best make me happy, squelching his own ideas. I have proclaimed, "I feel like I don't know you" for lack of conversation or the truth behind his expressions or lack of expression even. In identifying this missing component our marriage has improved dramatically. I  look forward to any disagreements because finally Troy has found it within him to say what he is really feeling. It is of such value to communicate honestly with the person you have the potential to become one with. And in hearing him out I have learned to trust what he is saying is true not just what he thinks I want to hear. It has brought us closer than I imagined anything could.


As I'm continuing on my journey to find strength to face the "harsh reality" of my life I am simultaneously acknowledging my weaknesses. I made a list of the things that are absolutes to me. I know that one of the reasons I fear my kids is the words they say to me or even just the tone of voice they use. I'm learning that kids are just trying to survive and that means that they are innately and normal to behave selfishly in this phase of their lives and that I can not take it personally. I have had to work on the art of not joining with them in tantrums.


Being honest with my husband and myself has had phenomenal results in the mystifying world of communication. I obviously take the approach of complete transparency, I believe it is the only way we can begin to understand one another. How many terrible things have happened in this world as a result of failed communication?


This entry was the most difficult to hit post- fo sho. You may feel awkward around me or even want to avoid me from now on. You may think I'm incredibly selfish (a weakness I am very aware of) and be baffled at why the hell Troy chooses to stay with me every day. That is fine with me. I am convinced we all have demons and most of us try to bury them as deep as humanly possible but for some of us bringing them to the surface truly is the only way to ultimately free ourselves of them.


I am anxious about embarking on this 90 day journey with Troy (who I will be tightly clinging to for the next three months-he's done this before) but I expect to see a big change in myself. As I get through the grueling boot camp workouts every morning I know I will gain the confidence to attack each day with my children. And that I will come to believe that I can do it without vices, secrets and regret. I may not be strong today but I have the potential to become better every day. I need to- for myself, my husband and my kids. I hate feeling inadequate, less than, terrible, hopeless. I look forward to sharing with you my successes as I gain control of the chaos.