What flavor is this?

Something incredible happened today. I felt a new emotion. I had no idea it was missing from my diverse range of sentiments. I think it would be best described as ....satisfaction.
So maybe the emotion wasn't entirely new (I've had my share of Snicker's bars). It was more the motivation behind the feeling.
I work for myself now. As much as my new job involves teaching it also involves business. It involves scheduling appointments, obtaining the proper licensing, using the proper jargon, being the face of the company, making a good first impression, making orders, contributing to a website, managing an additional Facebook page, managing my time and a plethora of other responsibilities I can't fathom.
I owe you an apology Troy. I had never even tried to understand the entrepreneurial brain. To me it all looked like risk = chance of failure, working for someone else = security. We all know nothing in life is ever all or nothing but I am a black or white thinker by nature and owning a business didn't seem worth the stress. But today I strolled downtown Boise with my husband mid morning to get aforementioned proper licensing taken care of and felt light as a feather. I am in control. I decide what is a priority, I will make this happen.
I am anxious. I know plenty of unknown mistakes lay in wait. I haven't taught theater for years. I've never had to do any marketing past handing flyers out at the 4th of July parade. But as I wrote my bio this morning my confidence began to grow as I listed the things I've accomplished. I can do this.
I'm thankful for the people in my life who believe in me and have taken the opportunity to let me know. With all that awaits I feel confident I won't be left wanting for a long time to come.

What do you say we take out the tile today? 

All in good time

I've been quiet. Stifled by work and school, acting, mothering, being wife. I've been fulfilling my dreams, making money, making progress. I've been waiting while life unfolds. I once read and it has been swimming around in my head, "Somehow you will solve life's obstacles there is no doubt in that. All in good time they will be handled, not as fast as you would like sometimes, but still handled." It's true. This last month felt like an eternity as I waited for time to tell me what the right choice was. Early April I caught wind of an opportunity and it blew my way. I was offered the position of Director of the treasure valley for a program called Shining Stars. This company has written curriculum and a business model that successfully takes theater classes to preschools and daycare centers. Yes, sales are a huge part of this career path and not something I have much experience in. However, I love theater and feel the arts are priceless. So, without a firm timeline I approached my current employer (at a fantastic, family owned, one of a kind barbecue restaurant) and let him know I will be taking a new job soon. He responded with "Your timing is terrible. This is very disappointing. I was preparing to offer you a different position." So for a couple of weeks I struggled with which opportunity would win out. I called friends and family, I researched, I even prayed with a stranger in a Walmart parking lot! In the end, the answer came on a Sunday afternoon. I walked into a theater and was hit with a profound feeling of "home". I know where my heart is, who I am. I decided to go with the teaching/sales position as frightening as it will be. As soon as I made the decision, the ball started rolling and in addition I was asked to help teach beginning acting this summer for a different theater company!
I just finished my last assignment for a class- a reflection essay. It was awesome that my experiences this semester have cemented my idea to continue my education. I no longer feel like I once did-a fish out of water, floundering to figure out how to breathe. I'm handling life.

Life is crazy. Life is good. Life is fun.

Written April 4, 2016

I'm currently enrolled in a course titled -Refugees in Idaho. I have been reading about people who have had to endure much more than I will ever be required to. I'm talking about war, starvation, being beaten, witness to murder, rape you name it. As part of this class I was asked to interview someone who was a refugee or immigrated to the US. I was privileged to know of a wise old man who immigrated from India in 1958 with a student visa. He has done our income taxes, one of his four sons was our business partner and he currently lives in our neighborhood so it was very convenient to spend an hour during spring break listening to his story. I love hearing about people's lives. We talked about his childhood some, his journey to America, his college days. The thing that stuck out to me most was technically off the record when he said we need to accept our lives.

I have spent so much energy fighting my place in life. No matter what it seems I'm never happy. As of late my struggle is my work schedule which is really great except for the two 11 hour days on Friday and Saturday. And actually those two days provide a big chunk of my tips based paycheck. But if I apply the advice to accept it....

And this is where I stopped typing to take a phone call that would change my plans. I had literally just accepted the fact I work close to full time in the food industry and had accepted the fact all my Friday and Saturday nights will be spent serving others on their date nights and then I am offered a position teaching theater!

There she is

My life is full and I am happy. Do my kids know that? I'm busy and gone a lot. I'm all kinds of stressed. No matter how much satisfaction I get from venturing out of the house, bringing in a paycheck, or expanding my knowledge I still tend to yell and nag and complain. Yuk.

Happiness is 100% a choice. And that is why there are people with disease, disabilities, and huge disadvantages that still manage to smile through it all. There are people who choose to focus on the positives in life. I have so much to be grateful about and so many exciting things are going on in my life. There is plenty of drama and even a hint of stability. Spring is on the way and I love my Suburban. I'm working between 30-40 hours a week, made it to the middle of my first semester back to school, have landed a couple of acting gigs, and love the time I have to be at home -Mom duties and all. I need my family to know I am happiest when I'm busy and though it doesn't give us a lot of time together or a spotless house I anticipate and appreciate the moments we share.

So it's not easy but I do think being a working mom is better for everyone involved and I just need to work harder at being a nicer person. Wow, so I am the same girl I've always been! I've always loved to be busy and a little (okay a lot) bitchy. Does that mean I've arrived? It kind of feels that way. I think I know who I am. Now to figure out the spiritual piece of the puzzle....

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?

When I started this blog I told myself I wouldn't be including any mention of religion or my bi polar diagnosis.

I haven't been taking my medication for at least two maybe three months now. This is the longest I've gone without Lamictal since I started taking the drug in January 2008. Let me tell you, it's been.... for lack of a better word, crazy. My highs and lows are one on top of the other. Actually I am either high or low most of the time. There isn't much middle ground. My brain is on rapid fire. I am motivated and accomplishing a lot. I've finished reading three novels this month. I've applied for a number of scholarships. I'm working 25-30 hours a week at a restaurant, taking 6 college credits (and staying ahead on my assignments), managing to make dinner regularly and I'm still searching for more. What have I been doing with my life?

The one decision that has me on a yo-yo is my career choice. I love being back in school. But being in college as a grown up looks a lot different. I keep thinking my love of theater is impractical and not a wise path to follow. For one, it's no secret a teacher's salary is not quite enviable. For two there is only one drama teacher position per high school, typically. So it won't be high paying or in demand. Will I love it? I don't know. I keep thinking that my dream job is hiding from me. It's one of those jobs I don't even know exists. It's something I'll fall into on my way to earning my degree and might require me to take a huge turn, maybe more classes.

Saturday morning at Viewpoints one of my wise friends was explaining how she is attempting to be more fluid with life. We don't always have to claim now as "here". It doesn't have to be "this way". I think I need to try doing that as well. I don't have to tattoo my college major on my wrist- it's not permanent. I don't need to choose the end right now.

Reading, writing, testing, solving math problems has brought life back into yet another part of my brain that was waiting to be used. I feel myself becoming stronger in all situations. I can do this.

One of the kids recently confided that they are the only one in their group who hasn't been drunk or high. We discussed how making the decision before presented with the situation is very helpful. And so it is with me as I've been presented with situations I would have walked away from. This new year's theme "grow some balls" has been so easy to keep. When we were seated in the front row at the late night comedy show we grabbed those seats and had a blast. When I was asked to debone a whole chicken- I tried. Yes, I'm apprehensive but I'm willing.

I wouldn't be able to pretend to be fearless if I didn't have Troy. Recently, we watched a Ted talk about the longest running psychology experiment. Harvard has been following these men for 75 years now and the one thing that brought the most happiness and health was having a partner you could depend on. No matter what, I know Troy will be there for me. There is security in that. I have the freedom to test my wings because I know if I fall Troy will help get me strong enough to try again. Thank you Troy for holding my hand even if I am a crazy heathen.

Grow a pair

Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.-Betty White

Nevertheless, my theme for the New Year is "Grow Some Balls" (Thanks Courtney!) or "Don't Be Scared". I am standing on the edge of the rest of my life and for the first time in a long time I'm excited! I can look out and see the world sprawled out below waiting for me. 

I'm reading the book Wild right now. If you haven't seen the movie-it is basically the journal of a young woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) solo- hoping to find answers to life's toughest questions. She is brave and tough but is constantly having to remind herself not to be scared. I feel like that pretty much sums it up. To get ahead, to figure things out, to grow we have to do hard things. We have to push ourselves into the unknown, believe in ourselves but it takes constant work and reassurance. 

So heading into 2016 I am giddy and apprehensive, motivated and stressed. I think this past year I have learned that I can be whatever I want to be. It is never too late. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. (Wow-three in a row.) If you've only been dreaming of the life you want- come with me- this is our year. 

Good morning! Time to get up!

I feel so happy, accomplished, balanced. I want to hold onto this moment. I want to dissect this moment to understand what it took to get here and how to recreate it. 

The house is clean! Everyone got their chores done without too much prodding and there was absolutely no yelling. I got up this morning -even earlier than I normally do on Saturday mornings- and attended an orientation for new students at the College of Western Idaho. When I returned I entered the living room with my cheesy new t-shirt, "Your momma is a college student". The boys looked up from the Xbox and met me with matching grins. I love being a student. It makes sense. The academic plan is laid out in front of you, take these classes and you will graduate. It is simple, do this and you will achieve your goals. So I am enrolled for one class and will soon be registered for a math class after taking a dreaded assessment on Monday.

Let me go back. Troy applied for a job at BYU-Hawaii last month. Even though he wasn't qualified AT ALL he was in the running for the position of lightening engineer for the Cannon Center. (Sometimes it's not what you know, it's who you know.) He submitted the extensive multiple part application, interviewed over the phone and then we waited. Two weeks felt like two months as we dreamt of our new home. The kids planned to learn surfing and hula. They claimed they wouldn't mind sharing one room because with the best climate on the planet they'd be outside all the time.  On our 15 hour trip to Cali for Thanksgiving Troy checked his email and we were informed the job had been given to the other candidate. We were bummed and life would now be changing. Hawaii was going to be more secure and consistent financially. It would have meant a paycheck every month, the ability to budget. Troy's current employment contract is strictly commission. So it was mutually decided I would look for full time employment outside the house if we didn't move to paradise. My plan was to find something with evening and weekend hours to avoid costly child care for Louie.

I have a second interview this week with a local start up that is experiencing amazing growth and winning all kinds of awards including one of the "Best Places to Work in Boise". The position is full time with benefits sometime between the hours of 6a-6p. (I wasn't sure what hours were available prior to my first interview.) When schedule came up, I quickly realized if it meant working in a positive environment with better than most compensation, fairly close to home and the kids' schools I'd be willing to put Louie in day care.

Yesterday while perusing the school district job openings I saw it. Drama teacher at Idaho Fine Arts Academy. This is the public school arts magnet where Ashton was accepted for visual arts. I felt a yearning. This is the job I want. Obviously, I am not qualified. And so I began thinking about returning to college. I realized I had applied and been accepted to CWI exactly 5 years ago and immediately after registering for the Spring semester found out I was pregnant with Louie. I could have been done with school by now! What do I have to show for my life? In a dramatic pity party I exclaimed to Troy " I have nothing! All I know how to do is be resourceful. Give me some hand me downs and I know how to use them. If it's free it's for me!". I bawled, what am I doing? Should I go to school full time? work? Life is going to change and it's going to be dramatic.

For now I am ecstatic to have a partial plan, to have taken action and to have a clean house. As I await my interview, my financial aid award and the inevitable undoing of today's housework I feel happy. I will never be content without a hand in my future- neither should you.