Be proud

Maybe our quirkiness, mistakes and failures are exactly what our kids need to thrive. Out twice with friends this week I realized something very important. If I had not grown up in a house that regularly held family dance parties I would not have known the joy that comes from that form of expression. Dancing is personal. Many people "don't dance". I can't imagine having that kind of restraint. I love letting the music move me. I have no idea if I look silly or cool but I don't care. I owe that to my parents- thank you. The practice of cranking the music and having a good time has ensured I have a blast at concerts 30 years later. It is the exposure to things that makes us comfortable in different situations and even allows us to live gracefully, and love others for who they are.

When we try to shield our children from too much it inhibits their growth, their ability to make wise decisions, it can even lower their confidence. Raising teenagers is no easy task. It is a balancing act between teaching by example and letting them make their own choices. However the key is teach them to make educated choices not choices out of fear or without an understanding of the why. It is so important we give them the BIG picture. It is not enough to say "because I'm the parent that's why".

If we don't understand something we should seek to learn more about it rather than ignore it. The unknown is extremely uncomfortable. I would much rather have my children learn about real life before they are thrown into it, than to years later feel betrayed and bewildered lost in the sea of 20 somethings not sure which way to swim. I'm not suggesting to party with your minors but talk to them about the dangers of alcohol poisoning and buzzed driving. I'm not encouraging sex among teens but have the discussions, find out where they are, what their friends are doing. Don't ignore the issues they are facing because they know the rules and they are expected to follow them. But whatever you do- don't react. Your kids will only talk to you if they feel safe. Safe from judgement.

My parents aren't perfect but they did a damn good job if you ask me. I ALWAYS felt loved, I ALWAYS knew I could talk to them about ANYthing. I knew they had made mistakes and that knowledge was key to how I viewed myself. I knew I didn't have to be any certain way to be accepted by them. Having a strong relationship with my parents has been monumental in my life.

We are muddling through this parenting journey and often doubt we know what the hell we're doing but the priority is truly love. I want my kids to know we all make mistakes, we learn and grow from them. I want them to know there is a personal set of values for every individual who walks this planet. What is okay for one person may be absolutely wrong to another but we can coexist quite beautifully if we learn to be accepting rather than afraid.

So think before you act, speak or judge. Make educated decisions in all aspects of your life. Seek knowledge, truth and experiences. Have candid conversations and share your opinions. Be YOU and know you are loved no matter what.

Impatient in the worst way

I had no clue how difficult this would be. Now I am deep into the stress. It physically hurts. I am trying to start a business with very little help and almost no knowledge of what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I want to do this the way I know I can succeed. I want to be given a list, a formula, the answers. I want to be a good student and apply the things I've learned. Not gonna happen. This is a trial and error, sink or swim situation. This is the very type of stress that makes me run. And yet I'm stuck. I can't run, too much has been invested in me and so I'm forced to figure it out. I have hope that it will get easier over time but at this moment I feel extremely fragile. I feel as though I might break.
I find myself wishing for the good ol' days when all I had to worry about was changing diapers, giving baths and making dinner. Isn't it ironic.
Not only am I working hard to build a franchise, I'm taking two online summer classes which means 16 weeks worth of work in 8! And they aren't breezy subjects math and nutrition-which is most definitely full blown science at the cellular level.
I really miss my family and the carefree summer days I've taken for granted my entire life! I don't know what to do. I've started taking my medication again to take the edge off of my anxiety. The feeling of always having more to do, the worry that I'm making big mistakes, the fear of the unknown all got to be too heavy on my own. I've also been throwing prayers up to heaven more often. I'm more  afraid than I've ever been.
So what do I do when I feel so trapped and on the verge of tears? I count my blessings. For some reason this little exercise in gratitude has such power. When I begin to list the good things I begin to see how out of balance my worries are. I'm actually having great success with my new job I just wasn't prepared or trained properly and feel out of my element, I have good grades in my classes I just don't want to do the work, I have supportive friends and family cheering me on, I'm glad I'm growing and of course it wouldn't come without sacrifice. Nothing is wrong with my life I've just programmed myself to believe if something is uncomfortable I shouldn't have to do it!
All I can do is take one day at a time,  try my best and hope my best is good enough.

How real did it get?

Kind of miss this face it's been under a beard for almost a year now.

What a week! Hats off to all you business owners. I have never felt stress of this breed before. Glasswerks was Troy's. Being in charge is downright scary. I looked around at the moms with their children wherever I found myself and thought, "If only I could stay home again." But I'm alive and each day gets a little easier. I feel a little better realizing hormones had a role to play in this week's roller coaster ride. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I felt blind sided. Seriously, my mind is not built to process so much change and so many unknown variables. I'm being forced to plan months out anticipating everything will fall into place and work out some how.

I just have so much to learn and it's going to happen as I go. I've been assured there isn't one right way. I don't know what I would do without Troy. I'm not kidding, he will let me go over all the minute details with him, offering suggestions and applauding good ideas. He didn't complain when he ran out of clean clothes and had to make dinner every night. I didn't even hear him gripe about the obvious lack of attention he was awarded as I spent 4 hours after work doing my math homework for the grueling summer course I'm taking. He is my hero. He met me at random times twice this week to watch me fall apart as I felt that the world was moving faster than I could run, only to hold me and say "It'll get easier". I sincerely thought my head would explode when it was mentioned that I should probably hire an employee before summer ends. I had planned to do this solo for awhile, get a hang of things and gradually grow to a place where I might need another coach. However, I am not in charge of the wind (or earthquakes-Jessica W.).

It's so funny how I expect other people, specifically our children, to accept change gracefully but then I cry and complain louder than all of them when I don't get my way. I have been humbled this week as I am uncomfortable and out of control. What better way to learn to swim than to be thrown into the deep end?

What flavor is this?

Something incredible happened today. I felt a new emotion. I had no idea it was missing from my diverse range of sentiments. I think it would be best described as ....satisfaction.
So maybe the emotion wasn't entirely new (I've had my share of Snicker's bars). It was more the motivation behind the feeling.
I work for myself now. As much as my new job involves teaching it also involves business. It involves scheduling appointments, obtaining the proper licensing, using the proper jargon, being the face of the company, making a good first impression, making orders, contributing to a website, managing an additional Facebook page, managing my time and a plethora of other responsibilities I can't fathom.
I owe you an apology Troy. I had never even tried to understand the entrepreneurial brain. To me it all looked like risk = chance of failure, working for someone else = security. We all know nothing in life is ever all or nothing but I am a black or white thinker by nature and owning a business didn't seem worth the stress. But today I strolled downtown Boise with my husband mid morning to get aforementioned proper licensing taken care of and felt light as a feather. I am in control. I decide what is a priority, I will make this happen.
I am anxious. I know plenty of unknown mistakes lay in wait. I haven't taught theater for years. I've never had to do any marketing past handing flyers out at the 4th of July parade. But as I wrote my bio this morning my confidence began to grow as I listed the things I've accomplished. I can do this.
I'm thankful for the people in my life who believe in me and have taken the opportunity to let me know. With all that awaits I feel confident I won't be left wanting for a long time to come.

What do you say we take out the tile today? 

All in good time

I've been quiet. Stifled by work and school, acting, mothering, being wife. I've been fulfilling my dreams, making money, making progress. I've been waiting while life unfolds. I once read and it has been swimming around in my head, "Somehow you will solve life's obstacles there is no doubt in that. All in good time they will be handled, not as fast as you would like sometimes, but still handled." It's true. This last month felt like an eternity as I waited for time to tell me what the right choice was. Early April I caught wind of an opportunity and it blew my way. I was offered the position of Director of the treasure valley for a program called Shining Stars. This company has written curriculum and a business model that successfully takes theater classes to preschools and daycare centers. Yes, sales are a huge part of this career path and not something I have much experience in. However, I love theater and feel the arts are priceless. So, without a firm timeline I approached my current employer (at a fantastic, family owned, one of a kind barbecue restaurant) and let him know I will be taking a new job soon. He responded with "Your timing is terrible. This is very disappointing. I was preparing to offer you a different position." So for a couple of weeks I struggled with which opportunity would win out. I called friends and family, I researched, I even prayed with a stranger in a Walmart parking lot! In the end, the answer came on a Sunday afternoon. I walked into a theater and was hit with a profound feeling of "home". I know where my heart is, who I am. I decided to go with the teaching/sales position as frightening as it will be. As soon as I made the decision, the ball started rolling and in addition I was asked to help teach beginning acting this summer for a different theater company!
I just finished my last assignment for a class- a reflection essay. It was awesome that my experiences this semester have cemented my idea to continue my education. I no longer feel like I once did-a fish out of water, floundering to figure out how to breathe. I'm handling life.

Life is crazy. Life is good. Life is fun.

Written April 4, 2016

I'm currently enrolled in a course titled -Refugees in Idaho. I have been reading about people who have had to endure much more than I will ever be required to. I'm talking about war, starvation, being beaten, witness to murder, rape you name it. As part of this class I was asked to interview someone who was a refugee or immigrated to the US. I was privileged to know of a wise old man who immigrated from India in 1958 with a student visa. He has done our income taxes, one of his four sons was our business partner and he currently lives in our neighborhood so it was very convenient to spend an hour during spring break listening to his story. I love hearing about people's lives. We talked about his childhood some, his journey to America, his college days. The thing that stuck out to me most was technically off the record when he said we need to accept our lives.

I have spent so much energy fighting my place in life. No matter what it seems I'm never happy. As of late my struggle is my work schedule which is really great except for the two 11 hour days on Friday and Saturday. And actually those two days provide a big chunk of my tips based paycheck. But if I apply the advice to accept it....

And this is where I stopped typing to take a phone call that would change my plans. I had literally just accepted the fact I work close to full time in the food industry and had accepted the fact all my Friday and Saturday nights will be spent serving others on their date nights and then I am offered a position teaching theater!

There she is

My life is full and I am happy. Do my kids know that? I'm busy and gone a lot. I'm all kinds of stressed. No matter how much satisfaction I get from venturing out of the house, bringing in a paycheck, or expanding my knowledge I still tend to yell and nag and complain. Yuk.

Happiness is 100% a choice. And that is why there are people with disease, disabilities, and huge disadvantages that still manage to smile through it all. There are people who choose to focus on the positives in life. I have so much to be grateful about and so many exciting things are going on in my life. There is plenty of drama and even a hint of stability. Spring is on the way and I love my Suburban. I'm working between 30-40 hours a week, made it to the middle of my first semester back to school, have landed a couple of acting gigs, and love the time I have to be at home -Mom duties and all. I need my family to know I am happiest when I'm busy and though it doesn't give us a lot of time together or a spotless house I anticipate and appreciate the moments we share.

So it's not easy but I do think being a working mom is better for everyone involved and I just need to work harder at being a nicer person. Wow, so I am the same girl I've always been! I've always loved to be busy and a little (okay a lot) bitchy. Does that mean I've arrived? It kind of feels that way. I think I know who I am. Now to figure out the spiritual piece of the puzzle....