For Love or Money

There is something that has always tried to keep me in. In, instead of going out with friends. Actually it didn't start until after I was married but not for the typical reason. It wasn't because my husband was possessive but rather because money had become particularly sparse. Why is it that combining two single people into one household suddenly makes you both strapped for cash? It did not help that my business minded, entrupernral husband chose a commission only job right off the bat! Very scary for me, my parents are both in the education field, and have a modest but steady income. So our dinners out were restricted to the restaurant where I worked part time and got a steep discount.




I already knew the art of living on a tight budget. For most of my teenage years my dad was in college so extra money for my activities was nonexistent. I learned to work and buy my own gas, clothes, hair products. And to pay for my choir tour, admission to movies, football games, and my Senior trip. I had to be certain when money passed through my fingers it was worth it. I was responsible for all my wants. With a check book and ATM card I felt that I had reached adult status. (snicker) College life was the same. I worked part-time to pay for my groceries, long distance phone cards (remember those) and extra curricular activities. I learned to be more resourceful and diligently seek the free happenings around campus.




Unfortunately, things have seemed to be that way my entire life. However, I can recall with clarity when I was pregnant with our third, realizing that even though our family was quickly growing and the income hadn't, we miraculously always had enough.




There was a snippet of time when we had a large sum of money (VERY large from my perspective), after selling our home in California to move to Idaho for double the amount we had paid for it. We had decided that with the real estate market booming we would invest, manage, flip houses or something of that nature. Soon we had ten properties. Then we partnered with some dear friends and started a glass business amongst this very busy time. Not to mention the fact that we had four kids, five years old and under!


You all know the story, the market crashed and so did we. At first it put a wedge in our marriage but we made it through even stronger than we had started. We counseled together to figure out how the hell to get out of this. These meager years felt like they would never let up, give us some relief.


During this sink or swim interval we grew in everyway. Out of necessity, I learned how to extend our grocery budget by making bread, pizza crust, tortillas and even bagels.  One of my best friends and I found ourselves in the same predicament. We would laugh about our destitution and hope to be rescued. I remember her creative juices flowing she came up with a clever idea- saving pb&j sandwich crusts to dry and turn them in to bread crumbs. We grew beautiful gardens. We used all the Red Box codes on every ATM card, hardly ever paying for a movie rental. To have a positive perspective I tried to make a game out of it. A household version of "Survivor".


Finally we came to realize that we were "house poor". Our entire paycheck was going toward our combined first and a second mortgage. (This is not an exaggeration.) We decided to leave the house we had built. The decision to relocate, was comparable to the deepest heartache. It surprised me how much it hurt.





We have slowly learned where to find the balance between penny-pinching and frugal. It was awful  when we were collecting practically no income. I couldn't justify even buying chocolate chips-it was that extreme. We came to realize that we couldn't live like that for very long. It wasn't healthy. So slowly we let up on ourselves and allowed for Tuesday $1.00 movies, some Sunday afternoon drives , and dental floss.




The silver lining is the lesson our children have learned of the value of a dollar. Kylie now a high schooler, has impressed me with her spending and more importantly her saving habits. I have learned many cooking and baking skills, among other things that I wouldn't have had to. Life is not what we thought it was going to be like but, we can embrace it and stretch ourselves and our dollars much further than you might think. The real estate market seems to be on an up swing, invest wisely.

And despite of her bipolar rollercoastering

I have been down desperately trying to get high. Not in all the conventional ways. However, I have to admit I did try a nasty combination of 20 mg of my son's adderall, and two yummy drinks from the Flying J cooler: double shot Starbuck's espresso followed by one of their mochas delish! Let me put that into context I wasn't just trying to stay up to the end of family movie night I was transporting other people's children across state lines. That sounds terrible. Kylie and four of her teammates had attended soccer camp at a nearby college (well six hours away) and I offered to pick them up and drive them home. I never stay awake on family trips leaving the driving and required attentiveness to my husband. I was really anxious about driving at night and luck would have it, we were three hours behind my scheduled start time once we finally packed up, ate dinner and left campus. I had had a mocha on the drive the previous day and it was soooo good, I knew I wanted another but I thought I would need more. Apparently I over estimated by a long shot. About an hour in -I popped his ADHD med. About half way thru we stopped to fill up and get snacks, I bought my cold coffee and started to down the surprisingly sweet shots. Once that was gone I began to sip on the mocha, mmmmm good. I didn't have the patience to let it ride content along side me so I just finished it. The girls were all sleeping and my two year old awoke with a sugar induced nightmare. We coaxed her back to sleep and then I started to feel awake. It was not an obnoxious, wide eyed, let's go cliff jumping feel- I was just alert and my mind was crystal clear. I had Pandora on my phone, one earbud in, the car on cruise control. I was genuinely happy. Singing along to my music each new song a favorite-how do they do it? I felt a bit disappointed when our trek was done around 1:00 am. I took the girls home and then found myself  laying in bed but, unable to sleep. I closed my eyes, snuggled my pillow, let my thoughts drift but sleep would not bless me. I looked longingly at the clock each hour passing made me more frustrated. When I took a moment, I realized -I'm not tired. My husband got ready and went to work. I pulled myself up around 7 and took a long shower. My body felt hungover but my brain was still alert and clear. I did not sleep until after midnight that day. It felt crazy. I NEVER drink coffee nor do I steal my son's prescription pills EVER. I had failed to factor my weight, my tolerance, my reaction before ingesting my elixir. Kind of similar to how I didn't plan on how to afford to raise children, discipline them in all manners, or know what my limits to the number of them would be before we ended up with four, and then five. Anyway, I had never gone for roughly 40 continuous hours without sleep and it took me this entire week to feel better. But we all made it home safely, object accomplished.



This escapade reminded me of Jessica Dodd's comment. She wanted me to share the flip side of restraint give it a positive light. Contrary to popular belief, I don't believe rules are made to be broken, I think they provide an element of safety and even peace of mind.




The interesting thing is how differently we define ourselves. The restrictions we give ourselves, what we deem is right, our own set of rules doesn't need to be compared to the next person. We are all just doing our best to stay sane and grab a little bit if happiness.

So Jess, restraint, a value system, a set of standards provide me with the ability to make decisions before I am even in the situation. Rules keep us from acting on a whim, making decisions based solely on emotion, help us filter ourselves-sometimes. Recently, I've been trying to figure out how to live with the least amount of these rules. I thought that by releasing myself of all the demands I had placed atop my shoulders, I would somehow feel freed. Feel more like my authentic self. In the beginning that was true. Stripping myself of all standards- I found the things I truly believed. And I found that even in the shackles of laws and regulations I was much more comfortable than the way I flailed on my own-swayed by even the faintest of breezes. I had become accustomed to a certain system and it may seem to some that I walk blindly led but what's the harm in that when the outcome is a safe, stable, protected lifestyle. However, following the rules relentlessly for years at a time always brings me to some temporary reckless behavior-it's a cycle with me. So I take a break every now and then to remind myself I am carnal, sensual, human. And that's okay. I've relaxed and know that where I am is not where I will always be.

The point is we need to exercise control. We don't get to have everything our heart desires. We can't leave our children, our husbands, our responsibilities. Sometimes this reality spanks you in the face and you feel completely bound by life. If you dwell on it, the idea that you can't do anything to change your circumstances, your life becomes hell. Hence the idea that you have the power to change your perspective. Think about the future. How much happier will everyone in your circle of influence be if you give your best to the jobs you have-everyone of them- than if you are always squirming hoping to wriggle free of the ropes that hold you to the chair? The ropes are really just there to help you. To keep you grounded and focused on the task at hand, make you finish what you've started. Help you make the right choice. The choice to stay, be the  mom they need, the supportive partner they crave, the strong woman they've come to rely on. In the end you will all benefit far more than having the top down, wind blowing through your hair, sipping margaritas on the beach. So buck up, follow the rules, give it your all and take a break when you feel sick.

Hope I addressed the topic, answered some questions for you Jess. I know I answered mine.



I love you Jessica Dodd

I love the weather in Boise, it is so unpredictable. Recently when I've been with my kids I've heard them comment on someone else's choice of style, drink selection or even an address where there is no post code envy. I just respond with, "Isn't it great everyone does things differently? That's what makes the world such an exciting place." Of course the kids don't see my point of view and now I've just lumped myself in with the weirdos who they were judging in the first place.

Watching the people who stand out is so inspiring to me. To master the ability to block out the world around me is something I aspire to achieve. I love to see grandma's playing on splash pads at the park, getting soaked with their grand kids. The man wearing a kilt running to the finish line of the Ironman race (he must have felt his heritage trumped comfort-good for him). To have the courage to slap your political, religious or sexual views on the back of your primary vehicle opens you up to nasty looks but also to candid comments that may possibly turn into conversations. To love someone shamelessly, giving them all of you, leaves you whipped and vulnerable but, to be another's fan for life is commendable.

How many of us go with our gut even if it takes us the wrong direction-every time. How often do you act in total confidence of your choices. Why not live life and let the mistakes, wrong turns, broken hearts, losses and bad news be absorbed into the moment you are standing in. The knowledge that you are not in control of the rotation of your life is essential to being at peace, finding happiness and meeting love.

It is fun to be unpredictable. Unpredictable people make us laugh and seem to have the gift to find humor in almost every situation. When life gets shaken up it gives us a new perspective. I love to hear how my friends see things. It's amazing how many unrelated ways we can get the same solution to a mathmatical equation or a complicated personal issue. We are so lucky to have the option to see things in an infinite spectrum of color if we choose to. Not everything is black or white. Not everything is designed to fit in a box, be perfectly folded, paired in even numbers.

Freedom looks different to everyone. My mask is thrown to the floor when we have a family dance party, especially with my parents-music blaring out the front door, our favorite songs one after another after another late into the night, wooden spoon mics in hand, we find ourselves in a vast, limitless, unrestricted  frame of mind. It's a beautiful place to be.

My challenge to you is to be observant of your surroundings, people watch until you identify an individual, or group of people, who look like they are having a good time. Once you've picked your subject(s) committ to emulate their behavior the next time you have an itch to be spontaneous. Be different, stand out, indulge, go on-crash the party.

We Are the Host

I'm visiting Grandma Coco and she has exhibited some behaviors I have never seen her do- hiding her face in her hands, apologizing for upsetting the children, and the forgetting and repeating. It comes with age and she says often "Don't ever get old". Why do they say that? With death being the other option I think I'd rather choose wrinkles, hearing aids and backaches. But maybe not. Perhaps if I could see and feel my future self she'd tell me otherwise. The frustration that must come with losing one's independence is unfathimable to me. Forget the desire to drive away sometimes and replace it with the fact that you no longer qualify for a driver's license- something about being "unsafe".  That is suffocating.  It's hard to imagine conversing with people who incessantly say "We talked about this", "I already told you", "You don't remember?" and having absolutely not the faintest idea. (I hear all that on occasion but I know I'm always multitasking and some things get missed. What are you gonna do?) I know there are an array of other ailments that accompany age but I have no interest in discussing incontinence, bowel movements and the like. But trapped in your own body, a body that slowly becomes unrecognizable, frail and broken does not encourage me to watch my cholesterol or calcium intake.

Unfortunately sometimes a host of other horrid calamities be fall us in our youth. Things that you don't anticipate or prepare for. Things that hit us full speed ahead. Life can be cruel. Sometimes the remedy is to begrudgingly make a severe change in our diets. Sometimes it requires a large debt of medical bills to find answers. Sometimes the situation is almost unheard of and it requires teams of physicians to build an intricate plan to get you back to a sustainable level of health. Somtimes the treatment makes us feel worse. Sometimes it is a brief few months, perhaps a complicated pregnancy we must endure and sometimes it is terminal. Sometimes it is self inflicted substance abuse and sometimes we are just born that way. Some disease is evident on the surface of our skin and some of us deal with demons tucked into a dark place in our minds. The point of it all is that all of us are sick, are growing old or will soon encounter one of the two. It is truly how we handle ourselves that becomes who we are, what people will remember, what determines our quality of life.

I have been told I am a strong woman but in comparison to the thousands of people I am acquainted with or know of, my problems seem minute. Those who are truly strong and brave have lost children, spouses, or both. They have scars from burns on a large percent of their bodies, have fought cancer (no matter the outcome) or live with paralysis.

The mind is incomprehensibly amazing. We have the power to heal ourselves, to prolong our lives or to stop living. There are stories of people, who placed in certain situations, have convinced themselves of a false truth. One tale is of a man who was locked in a walk-in freezer and died of  complications a body would encounter in negative temperatures but the freezer wasn't even on.  It can go the other way as well. When we believe we are healthy or can be, when we count our blessings, we can feel stronger. Sometimes we need to be lifted by another's belief in us, we need to be carried when our own faith is too weak. Don 't be afraid of illness, reach out and help, you don't know when it will be your turn.

I'm going to give a shameless plug here for a benefit concert Troy is orchestrating for a family we know, the Moretti's. Their 12-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer in September and despite treatments it has progressed rapidly. The concert is on Saturday, July 19th in Star at Blake Haven Park. Please like the Facebook page, Fight Like a Champ.

Life Is Not What We Thought It Was

Sometimes we need to let it all go. Watch the pieces of ourselves fall to the ground. See if they take on a new shape maybe something we feel we are more capable of handling. But before we try to fit the puzzle together, just stop and look. Take inventory. There are so many little pieces, big pieces, sharp pieces, round pieces, ugly pieces, bent pieces, torn pieces, shiny pieces, beautiful pieces. Maybe you don't want to put them all back together. Maybe it would be best to leave them there for a minute.

When I feel broken I have to go back to the basics. I seek out the things that make me feel better. I love laying in our queen bed alone all stretched out, long showers, closing my eyes for brief moments when I'm driving, a clean car, standing on a balcony, laughing until it hurts, dancing when I'm home alone, helping my children get clean and in their pjs when we're camping, freshly painted toenails, sharing talks with my kids on their beds at night when I'm still awake, long talks over breakfast with my dad. This list is always the same, it doesn't change. These are little bits of who I am, simple things that are never out of focus.

I get lost to the point that I can't tell which way is up. I know it's okay because I've been here before. It's almost comforting to know that I'm still evolving, shedding my skin to reveal something more beautiful.

There are times when everything seems scary and you aren't even strong enough to stand. Just look for one thing that you know, one thing that brings you comfort and hold on tight. Help is on the way. You aren't the only one who has been here and you won't be here forever.

Cream Colored Ponies and Crisp Apple Studel

I guess I'm hard to please. (I can hear the snicker of those who know me.) When I see something I don't like, I try to bite my tongue but, my perceptive critique eventually comes out and appears to be a delayed reaction. When I see something I like, I say so. It seems that I am never able to get enough of the things I like the most.

Let's start with a universal love-ice cream. Even if you were too full to finish dinner or even begin dinner, there is always room for ice cream. Ice cream is gone in our house as soon as the 5 quart is opened. I had never thought to go back for seconds until we were at a crazy party and everyone was doing it. Seconds just seemed glutenous for some reason. However, I can eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's and still want to lick the container. There just isn't ever enough ice cream.

Jason Mraz is my artist of choice. I can't get enough of his music. There is never a long enough car drive to listen to all his words.

I love summer for the sole reason that I don't have to wake up anytime before noon. I like my sleep as much as the next teenager. I honestly think I could sleep for a night and a day and a night. In college for some odd reason I wrote an English paper on the topic of sleep. It was so tough to get through the rewrites because if you read the word sleep too many times your brain begins to act on the power of suggestion. I simply can't ever get enough sleep.

If I could live any where, it would be California's coast. I love, love, love the beach. I could just live on the sand. Have a bonfire every night. It's the perfect weather, hoodies and shorts at night, barely anything during the day. The feel of beach blown hair is dirty but it looks amazing. Walking for hours, watching seals bob up and down in the surf, collecting the rare unbroken sand dollar, peering into tide pools for the brightest starfish. It's one place you can take kids and not feel guilty that you aren't really interacting with them. They play so hard and only on occasion bug you for food. It's a good day or week or month had by all. Being land locked in Idaho, I do not get enough time at the beach.

Children can never get enough, of most anything really. You can spend all day doing the things they enjoy maybe breakfast at their favorite waffle shop and a trip to the zoo but if you don't by them a $40 stuffed chimp on the way out it becomes "the worst day EVER!" What is that about? Sure makes you want to take them out for ice cream.

Wanting something can become a burden. If you are always dreaming of what you want you may just miss out on what's right in front of you. So pig out on what you already have, make yourself sick with the candy from your kids' Halloween buckets. Sometimes it gets your mind off of the trip you can't go on, the car you can't afford, hating the house you live in.

Or even better, count your blessings. Recently my truly inspiring cousin was in an auto accident totaling the car. She is fine but then other things started to rain down on her. She has a son with health problems that had to be hospitalized again and some other issues I'm not privy to. Any way she posted these illuminated words, "Counting your blessings is like counting the stars." She is so right. We've done this on Thanksgiving the one day we stop to think about these sorts of things and we had the kids each begin a list of 10 things they were thankful for. Once we all got to 10 we shared them but then something we hadn't anticipated happened. They refused to stop writing. Their lists were as long as they are tall. It was so wondrous to watch their little brains think up and put down on paper all the things they love about life. We should probably do that a lot more often. So maybe instead of an unrealistic bucket list, make a what you're thankful for list. Be careful when you start it, there may not be enough time.

Love this girl but I definitely have more than enough time with her.