And despite of her bipolar rollercoastering

I have been down desperately trying to get high. Not in all the conventional ways. However, I have to admit I did try a nasty combination of 20 mg of my son's adderall, and two yummy drinks from the Flying J cooler: double shot Starbuck's espresso followed by one of their mochas delish! Let me put that into context I wasn't just trying to stay up to the end of family movie night I was transporting other people's children across state lines. That sounds terrible. Kylie and four of her teammates had attended soccer camp at a nearby college (well six hours away) and I offered to pick them up and drive them home. I never stay awake on family trips leaving the driving and required attentiveness to my husband. I was really anxious about driving at night and luck would have it, we were three hours behind my scheduled start time once we finally packed up, ate dinner and left campus. I had had a mocha on the drive the previous day and it was soooo good, I knew I wanted another but I thought I would need more. Apparently I over estimated by a long shot. About an hour in -I popped his ADHD med. About half way thru we stopped to fill up and get snacks, I bought my cold coffee and started to down the surprisingly sweet shots. Once that was gone I began to sip on the mocha, mmmmm good. I didn't have the patience to let it ride content along side me so I just finished it. The girls were all sleeping and my two year old awoke with a sugar induced nightmare. We coaxed her back to sleep and then I started to feel awake. It was not an obnoxious, wide eyed, let's go cliff jumping feel- I was just alert and my mind was crystal clear. I had Pandora on my phone, one earbud in, the car on cruise control. I was genuinely happy. Singing along to my music each new song a favorite-how do they do it? I felt a bit disappointed when our trek was done around 1:00 am. I took the girls home and then found myself  laying in bed but, unable to sleep. I closed my eyes, snuggled my pillow, let my thoughts drift but sleep would not bless me. I looked longingly at the clock each hour passing made me more frustrated. When I took a moment, I realized -I'm not tired. My husband got ready and went to work. I pulled myself up around 7 and took a long shower. My body felt hungover but my brain was still alert and clear. I did not sleep until after midnight that day. It felt crazy. I NEVER drink coffee nor do I steal my son's prescription pills EVER. I had failed to factor my weight, my tolerance, my reaction before ingesting my elixir. Kind of similar to how I didn't plan on how to afford to raise children, discipline them in all manners, or know what my limits to the number of them would be before we ended up with four, and then five. Anyway, I had never gone for roughly 40 continuous hours without sleep and it took me this entire week to feel better. But we all made it home safely, object accomplished.



This escapade reminded me of Jessica Dodd's comment. She wanted me to share the flip side of restraint give it a positive light. Contrary to popular belief, I don't believe rules are made to be broken, I think they provide an element of safety and even peace of mind.




The interesting thing is how differently we define ourselves. The restrictions we give ourselves, what we deem is right, our own set of rules doesn't need to be compared to the next person. We are all just doing our best to stay sane and grab a little bit if happiness.

So Jess, restraint, a value system, a set of standards provide me with the ability to make decisions before I am even in the situation. Rules keep us from acting on a whim, making decisions based solely on emotion, help us filter ourselves-sometimes. Recently, I've been trying to figure out how to live with the least amount of these rules. I thought that by releasing myself of all the demands I had placed atop my shoulders, I would somehow feel freed. Feel more like my authentic self. In the beginning that was true. Stripping myself of all standards- I found the things I truly believed. And I found that even in the shackles of laws and regulations I was much more comfortable than the way I flailed on my own-swayed by even the faintest of breezes. I had become accustomed to a certain system and it may seem to some that I walk blindly led but what's the harm in that when the outcome is a safe, stable, protected lifestyle. However, following the rules relentlessly for years at a time always brings me to some temporary reckless behavior-it's a cycle with me. So I take a break every now and then to remind myself I am carnal, sensual, human. And that's okay. I've relaxed and know that where I am is not where I will always be.

The point is we need to exercise control. We don't get to have everything our heart desires. We can't leave our children, our husbands, our responsibilities. Sometimes this reality spanks you in the face and you feel completely bound by life. If you dwell on it, the idea that you can't do anything to change your circumstances, your life becomes hell. Hence the idea that you have the power to change your perspective. Think about the future. How much happier will everyone in your circle of influence be if you give your best to the jobs you have-everyone of them- than if you are always squirming hoping to wriggle free of the ropes that hold you to the chair? The ropes are really just there to help you. To keep you grounded and focused on the task at hand, make you finish what you've started. Help you make the right choice. The choice to stay, be the  mom they need, the supportive partner they crave, the strong woman they've come to rely on. In the end you will all benefit far more than having the top down, wind blowing through your hair, sipping margaritas on the beach. So buck up, follow the rules, give it your all and take a break when you feel sick.

Hope I addressed the topic, answered some questions for you Jess. I know I answered mine.