There she is

My life is full and I am happy. Do my kids know that? I'm busy and gone a lot. I'm all kinds of stressed. No matter how much satisfaction I get from venturing out of the house, bringing in a paycheck, or expanding my knowledge I still tend to yell and nag and complain. Yuk.

Happiness is 100% a choice. And that is why there are people with disease, disabilities, and huge disadvantages that still manage to smile through it all. There are people who choose to focus on the positives in life. I have so much to be grateful about and so many exciting things are going on in my life. There is plenty of drama and even a hint of stability. Spring is on the way and I love my Suburban. I'm working between 30-40 hours a week, made it to the middle of my first semester back to school, have landed a couple of acting gigs, and love the time I have to be at home -Mom duties and all. I need my family to know I am happiest when I'm busy and though it doesn't give us a lot of time together or a spotless house I anticipate and appreciate the moments we share.

So it's not easy but I do think being a working mom is better for everyone involved and I just need to work harder at being a nicer person. Wow, so I am the same girl I've always been! I've always loved to be busy and a little (okay a lot) bitchy. Does that mean I've arrived? It kind of feels that way. I think I know who I am. Now to figure out the spiritual piece of the puzzle....

Why is a raven like a writing-desk?

When I started this blog I told myself I wouldn't be including any mention of religion or my bi polar diagnosis.

I haven't been taking my medication for at least two maybe three months now. This is the longest I've gone without Lamictal since I started taking the drug in January 2008. Let me tell you, it's been.... for lack of a better word, crazy. My highs and lows are one on top of the other. Actually I am either high or low most of the time. There isn't much middle ground. My brain is on rapid fire. I am motivated and accomplishing a lot. I've finished reading three novels this month. I've applied for a number of scholarships. I'm working 25-30 hours a week at a restaurant, taking 6 college credits (and staying ahead on my assignments), managing to make dinner regularly and I'm still searching for more. What have I been doing with my life?

The one decision that has me on a yo-yo is my career choice. I love being back in school. But being in college as a grown up looks a lot different. I keep thinking my love of theater is impractical and not a wise path to follow. For one, it's no secret a teacher's salary is not quite enviable. For two there is only one drama teacher position per high school, typically. So it won't be high paying or in demand. Will I love it? I don't know. I keep thinking that my dream job is hiding from me. It's one of those jobs I don't even know exists. It's something I'll fall into on my way to earning my degree and might require me to take a huge turn, maybe more classes.

Saturday morning at Viewpoints one of my wise friends was explaining how she is attempting to be more fluid with life. We don't always have to claim now as "here". It doesn't have to be "this way". I think I need to try doing that as well. I don't have to tattoo my college major on my wrist- it's not permanent. I don't need to choose the end right now.

Reading, writing, testing, solving math problems has brought life back into yet another part of my brain that was waiting to be used. I feel myself becoming stronger in all situations. I can do this.

One of the kids recently confided that they are the only one in their group who hasn't been drunk or high. We discussed how making the decision before presented with the situation is very helpful. And so it is with me as I've been presented with situations I would have walked away from. This new year's theme "grow some balls" has been so easy to keep. When we were seated in the front row at the late night comedy show we grabbed those seats and had a blast. When I was asked to debone a whole chicken- I tried. Yes, I'm apprehensive but I'm willing.

I wouldn't be able to pretend to be fearless if I didn't have Troy. Recently, we watched a Ted talk about the longest running psychology experiment. Harvard has been following these men for 75 years now and the one thing that brought the most happiness and health was having a partner you could depend on. No matter what, I know Troy will be there for me. There is security in that. I have the freedom to test my wings because I know if I fall Troy will help get me strong enough to try again. Thank you Troy for holding my hand even if I am a crazy heathen.

Grow a pair

Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.-Betty White

Nevertheless, my theme for the New Year is "Grow Some Balls" (Thanks Courtney!) or "Don't Be Scared". I am standing on the edge of the rest of my life and for the first time in a long time I'm excited! I can look out and see the world sprawled out below waiting for me. 

I'm reading the book Wild right now. If you haven't seen the movie-it is basically the journal of a young woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) solo- hoping to find answers to life's toughest questions. She is brave and tough but is constantly having to remind herself not to be scared. I feel like that pretty much sums it up. To get ahead, to figure things out, to grow we have to do hard things. We have to push ourselves into the unknown, believe in ourselves but it takes constant work and reassurance. 

So heading into 2016 I am giddy and apprehensive, motivated and stressed. I think this past year I have learned that I can be whatever I want to be. It is never too late. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. (Wow-three in a row.) If you've only been dreaming of the life you want- come with me- this is our year. 

Good morning! Time to get up!

I feel so happy, accomplished, balanced. I want to hold onto this moment. I want to dissect this moment to understand what it took to get here and how to recreate it. 

The house is clean! Everyone got their chores done without too much prodding and there was absolutely no yelling. I got up this morning -even earlier than I normally do on Saturday mornings- and attended an orientation for new students at the College of Western Idaho. When I returned I entered the living room with my cheesy new t-shirt, "Your momma is a college student". The boys looked up from the Xbox and met me with matching grins. I love being a student. It makes sense. The academic plan is laid out in front of you, take these classes and you will graduate. It is simple, do this and you will achieve your goals. So I am enrolled for one class and will soon be registered for a math class after taking a dreaded assessment on Monday.

Let me go back. Troy applied for a job at BYU-Hawaii last month. Even though he wasn't qualified AT ALL he was in the running for the position of lightening engineer for the Cannon Center. (Sometimes it's not what you know, it's who you know.) He submitted the extensive multiple part application, interviewed over the phone and then we waited. Two weeks felt like two months as we dreamt of our new home. The kids planned to learn surfing and hula. They claimed they wouldn't mind sharing one room because with the best climate on the planet they'd be outside all the time.  On our 15 hour trip to Cali for Thanksgiving Troy checked his email and we were informed the job had been given to the other candidate. We were bummed and life would now be changing. Hawaii was going to be more secure and consistent financially. It would have meant a paycheck every month, the ability to budget. Troy's current employment contract is strictly commission. So it was mutually decided I would look for full time employment outside the house if we didn't move to paradise. My plan was to find something with evening and weekend hours to avoid costly child care for Louie.

I have a second interview this week with a local start up that is experiencing amazing growth and winning all kinds of awards including one of the "Best Places to Work in Boise". The position is full time with benefits sometime between the hours of 6a-6p. (I wasn't sure what hours were available prior to my first interview.) When schedule came up, I quickly realized if it meant working in a positive environment with better than most compensation, fairly close to home and the kids' schools I'd be willing to put Louie in day care.

Yesterday while perusing the school district job openings I saw it. Drama teacher at Idaho Fine Arts Academy. This is the public school arts magnet where Ashton was accepted for visual arts. I felt a yearning. This is the job I want. Obviously, I am not qualified. And so I began thinking about returning to college. I realized I had applied and been accepted to CWI exactly 5 years ago and immediately after registering for the Spring semester found out I was pregnant with Louie. I could have been done with school by now! What do I have to show for my life? In a dramatic pity party I exclaimed to Troy " I have nothing! All I know how to do is be resourceful. Give me some hand me downs and I know how to use them. If it's free it's for me!". I bawled, what am I doing? Should I go to school full time? work? Life is going to change and it's going to be dramatic.

For now I am ecstatic to have a partial plan, to have taken action and to have a clean house. As I await my interview, my financial aid award and the inevitable undoing of today's housework I feel happy. I will never be content without a hand in my future- neither should you.

Mrs. Flip Flopper

Humph. Maybe it was just a hormonal rant at the worst time of the month. Maybe I do like being home.

In looking for my true identity- I got a job. I worked it for three weeks and realized it wasn't the right fit. I was doing some work from home and some work in an office with my loyal sidekick Louie. The schedule wasn't set, the responsibilities somewhat unclear and the space to be creative unleashed. It was a lot. A lot too much. My mind got more cluttered and jumbled. It was more mangled mess than I could manage. So I quit. I'm back to being the mom. But you know what-the house has been cleaner this last week than at any time in the past 2 months, I have been here to cook up after school quesadillas, Louie and I even took a trip to the library. 

As I pendulate back and forth I wonder what a job is worth. I'm uneducated and a resident of Idaho so my wages would be roughly $9.00 an hour-tops. If I were to get a full time job, a little less than half would go to provide day care for Louie. I know I would be forced to miss soccer games, school presentations. How do you fit in ortho appointments? I don't know how a successful working mom does it. I don't know if I can do it.

On the other hand I can put a sophisticated spin on the whole idea and see working accompanied with priceless benefits. Contributing financially to our family in the bleak months called winter may actually be a necessity. Being in an environment with other people may provide just enough variety that I uncover a deeper love for my family. Recognition for a job well done-no matter what it might be- could help me find untapped feelings of self worth. Going to work everyday might reveal greater purpose and help develop personal goals. 

Every choice comes with a sacrifice. How do you know what or who is most important?

Going Postal

That's it! I'm a disgruntled employee. I hate my job!

How could I hate being a SAHM (stay at home mom)? Isn't this where every mom wants to be? I'm lucky to be able to stay home. I'm privileged. How can I complain about having the opportunity to be here 24/7, available to do whatever my littles need me to? I have the freedom to try new recipes, read books, repaint bedrooms, alphabetize my pantry. I was sad for those women who chose to be working moms. I thought I would gladly live with less to be home with my children. They need their mother. (Obviously if mothers are working they are absent.)

Yesterday I found myself reduced to tears a few times. It just washed over me-"I don't want to be a Mom."  And not "I don't want to do this today." I sincerely don't want this job. I have struggled with why I don't feel this overwhelming, gushy, hate when school is back in session, miss them when they're gone- love for my gaggle of kids. Years ago my sister suggested perhaps I wasn't supposed to be the one to raise my kids I was just in their lives as their birth mom. Why is that thought appealing? Because sitting at home is terribly boring- to me.  It isn't the kids. It's all that comes with them- dentist and doctor visits, homework, laundry, dishes, wiping butts, volunteering to help with their sports, schools, activities. I don't like to do any of it.

My wonderful black and white personality helped me decide once I had a baby my role was to stay home and care for her. I'm upset I put such limits on myself. I'm upset I didn't keep learning more than how to get household chores done at least once a month and to stretch $2000 farther than anyone ever has before. Of course the church justified that thinking "...fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children...Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World 7th paragraph) For the first time I'm starting to understand the feelings behind women's lib. Why should I be the one who feels like my income better be a lot more than it would cost to pay for day care. Why am I the one that "gets to" stay home. With no college degrees in our house aren't I just as capable of making an income as Troy? In some ways I feel like I wasted my brain. Just like my singing voice which has escaped me from lack of exercise, my math skills are vanishing, I am ages behind my peers in terms of technology and computer programming, I never learned a trade should I have to support myself. It is a scary, trapped feeling.

Do I dare say it would be better for Louie to go to day care where screen time would be limited, she'd have peer interaction and she'd be given instruction and snacks and I might be happier in the work place, motivated by competition, socializing with adults, discovering skills I didn't know I possessed?

I feel relieved to realize it's the job. I don't have to like the work to love my family. I've been in this position for over 15 years now.  I'm ready to try something different.

I can be patient. This school year is underway-Louie is in an amazing preschool. I have found a couple of part time jobs to give me something to do on occasion and in pursuing the acting scene I'm finding more opportunities to develop myself. Next year is another story-all day kindergarten? Yes, please. Go back to college? Maybe. What do I want to be when I grow up? It's time to figure it out.

Is it that obvious?

I'm just going to say it

The posts where I reveal to my audience more of me and the posts that are controversial as well as vulnerable are what make my blog mine.I haven't hidden much- what have I got to lose? What- if anything- am I hiding?

Well...I drink. This may not seem like a big deal to most but it is something when Troy proofs my blogs he asks me to remove. He doesn't feel like the information should go public. We've planned to keep this fact from the kids but you know what? I'm pretty sure when we come home late and I say things that don't make sense-they know.What is the logic for keeping it hush hush? Is it the idea that they have been taught all their little lives that the church says it's wrong and if I come right out and say it they will become so confused that they will binge drink and end up with alcohol poisoning? I might-but I hope they are never as socially retarded as I am.

I am precisely 15 years behind my peers. For my 21st birthday my party loving mom gave me a great big surprise party. She served "near beer"- O'Doul's. I was mortified. What would my Mormon friends think? The very appearance of evil was supposed to be avoided and here it was being served to my friends, church acquaintances, my in-laws. I guess I wanted the appearance of a good Mormon heritage? Why did it bother me? It shouldn't have. 
Here we were with our six month old baby girl- we were headed down the path of righteousness- more babies, more responsibilities, more joy. 

But what if -what if I had used my talents? What if I had continued my theater education? What if I hadn't quit my job? What if? I've played this game many times over the past few months obviously I can't beat it- I can't win. I find myself angry. Angry that I didn't think. I did not think things through. My impulses won every time as I am always in the need to be doing. Hurry go ahead get married. Hurry go ahead have a baby. Hurry have another and another. I knew where I was "supposed" to be going.

And now I see the path didn't have to be so straight and narrow in fact some of my choices- choices made for righteousness sake were not right. So I guess I'm just catching up. I'm finding where my limits are. I'm discovering what I love and what I truly hate. I'm trying new things. I'm letting go. 

I know it is ridiculous, I have a very blessed life. I have an amazing husband who deserves the best this world can give. We have five beautiful, healthy children. Why would I possibly wish for anything other?

I don't wish for something else I just feel that my decisions weren't all my own. Of course they were all my own but with a heavy religious influence. I feared if I didn't fulfill certain responsibilities I would not... Would not what? Not go to heaven? Not love my life? Not be considered a good woman? Not live up to my potential? I had let myself believe that if I didn't have a large family I wasn't doing what I had been born to do. That is insane.

And now I am having to take inventory of my choices. I'm needing to find peace with where I am. I'm having to choose all over again.

I've always liked drinking. It's what officially got me kicked out of BYU. It's one of the reasons I look forward to our weekend dates. It makes me happy. Cheers and thank you Troy for being my personal driver.