I'm done

So we finished the 90 day fitness challenge and I was pretty pleased with my results. 

What I've realized is that when I'm not watching I have a tendency to slip backward down the hill of self doubt. I start to come undone. It only takes a moment and the loop of negative self talk gets started-"I can't", "I am not capable of doing this", "everyone would be better if I wasn't here".

It's really not all that different from slipping down the hill of poor eating habits or being completely unmotivated to get up early and work out. When we are under attack by any number of offensives we revert, we make poor decisions. I can always justify eating junk when I'm stressed. "It makes me feel better". (Especially when I'm so hasty that some of the snacks fall to the floor as I try to put a whole handful in my mouth.)

The key is to recognize the destruction at the onset. Look for the signs of a migraine and take the Aleve as soon as you see any of them. When you feel that you are going to scavenge the house for candy-stop. Take a moment before potentially making yourself sick and find a place to be alone. Thinking about, meditating, mulling over your problems is the first step to a solution.

In an effort to avoid a melt down I try to figure out what the hell my problem is. Maybe I reached my breaking point because I haven't made the time to shower. Often we just need to reset, recommit, rethink. If I can't retreat I just take a moment to close my eyes, take a deep breath, let go of everything and feel. This grounds me, reminds me that I am independent of the past choices I've made and that I can do more than I think I can. 

The fitness challenge helped me to gain the control I had let go of. I was reminded of my capacity to do. I acquired a belief in myself and when I got a little discouraged it was not hard to find strength because of what I had accomplished that morning at the gym. 

When we become an adult-whatever age that is-we realize life is truly a reflection of our choices. We have the power to be and do anything we want to and on the flip we choose the consequences that come from the absence of action.

We will soon begin a new year, let's decide what the future will be, plan how we'll make it happen and what we'll do with the setbacks.

Peace and Love

I love you too

I can't walk through life facing backwards

I have tried,

Tried more than once to just make sure

And I was denied

The future I'd been searching for

I spun around and hurt no more

                          -Jason Mraz

 

I am now facing the future. I have to make up for the past in many ways. I had seriously failed my kids this summer. I was grotesquely selfish (as opposed to the regular dose of selfish that I am anyway). Thankfully children are resilient and incredibly forgiving. 

And now I want nothing more than to serve my kids, advocate for them, spare them bus rides, to make up for the lost time. I've dropped things that are not essential. Even our morning work outs seem like a burden. I could be helping them prepare for the day with more time.

Where did these feelings emerge from?

I had questioned if I had ever chosen them for company. I was so far removed I had lost the ability to remember the good times- I doubted the good times even existed. I couldn't fathom that I had enjoyed my maternal job.

I have found such joy in these people that I get to spend my days with. They are truly amazing. I have become one of the sappy ones. I love being a mom. No, seriously. I had been looking backwards trying to find happiness. Really? Really?

If I hadn't figured this thing out...well, we all know what that looks like.

 

We go through times of growth and it can be painful, lonely. Thank you for listening to me gripe, letting me know I'm not alone and leaving your judgement at home. Obviously not everyone feels possessed to bear all their soul to the swarms of internet readers but I hope you found my flight enlighting or in the least entertaining.

Kylie. The girl who loves primping, boys and Milk Duds. She starts driver's ed. on Monday!

Louie. The grown up 3-yr old who keeps us laughing but oh how we love when she's sleeping.

Gavin. The young man who we adore. His talents are many.

Ashton. Our creative, witty, middle child.

Dylan. This kid is almost always happy and LOVES learning.

Ready, Set, Go!

I'm convinced the past 3 days of vay cay have undone the past 3 weeks of healthy eating and the habit of getting up at 5 am to get worked. 

It's fascinating to me how demo only takes a splinter of a fraction of the time it takes to erect a building.

Fabricating a habit, a building, a life- is tough work. It takes endless hours of engineering, meetings, planning and the like. It takes your whole heart and soul.

I look forward to seeing my sweet family, I definitely needed a break and feel revived. It's time to hold hands with my husband and blaze a trail that will leave a legacy of hopefully good memories and unity-that's the goal. Time to draw up the blue prints.

The view from my outdoor shower this morning-last day in beautiful Savannah.

Life in Savannah

I love staying with friends. The understanding and closeness that develops as you journey with them in their day to day life can best be accomplished in the flesh. The dearest friends are the ones who you can pick up where you left off a few years ago and make fantastic new memories with.

I have been so impressed with Alison. She is an accommodating hostess-amazingly so not having any prep time or time to mentally prepare (we surprised her with our visit). She is an organized, successful, confident working mother and wife. Naturally I find myself comparing my life with hers. Surprisingly, I have not felt bad that I don't measure up in areas but rather I want to glean from her working systems and take that knowledge home with me. 

Something I've come to remember most recently is if you don't plan- you plan to fail. Just knowing what your duties are doesn't in itself propel you to get it done. Having a strategy is vital. 

There are a couple people in my circle who have the gift to fix most any situation. I'm not a complete failure at it but the part I'm not in tune with sometimes is identifying the problem and at other times being aware that there is a way to stop the insanity. I think those two go hand in hand. If you can't see or are too busy to seek the solution you may not want to admit there is a problem in the first place.

I'm referring to the day to day-the division of chores, the chaos of the weekday morning, the sibling rivalaries, the lack of one on one time. There are answers to these very real, stressful, upsetting problems that plague family life. There are better ways to do things. 

We need to stop complaining and figure out how to change what isn't working to what does. The first step is to stop and sit down to figure it out. What if you had a running list of your household issues, then you could turn them into daily exercises. "Dick and Jane can't seem to agree on who should be responsible for doing the bills. What could they do?", "Bobby and Jimmy share a room but keep each other awake at night. The boys are hard to wake up in the morning. What can Mom and Dad do to fix this problem?", "The kids point out things that need to be cleaned but Mom can't do it all. Who should be the one to rid the silverware caddy of crumbs?". 

Sometimes all that needs to be done is to label some bins to make things easier to find, sometimes a parent teacher conf needs to be scheduled, sometimes there is no easy fix and the issue will need to be revisited many times as you try different recipes.

We can't expect things to change without taking action. Complaining is not proactive and you can not depend on others to remedy your problems. Help has to be solicited in a direct manner. "I need help making sure the mail is picked up daily-Dylan that will be your job after school." Done.

Take control, come up with a plan, carry it out. Thanks Al for having a working, running household. It's good to see one in action.

Tybee Island. Put our feet in the Atlantic.

I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are -Mary Lambert

I am undergoing a reformation, I've hinted at it before but I haven't revealed just how ugly things have been. Saturday Troy and I went to the kick off for the Fitmania 90 day challenge that we've committed to "Finish Strong". There was a woman who was admirably courageous. Of the question, "Why is it important to you to take the time to get fit now?" She responded (in a room of health conscious people many of them toned), "I'm sick of being left out. I am so overweight that there are things I simply can't do." She wasn't wallowing in self pity she was determined to change. I was so impressed with that honesty. And so here I go sharing my uncomfortable truths.



With my desperation to get out of my current domesticated life I created a fantasy world. I reunited with a high school crush of mine via email. Soon we were texting and talking on the phone, in secret of course. This stimulating exchange of words filled a space in my life that I mistakenly thought he was the only one who could.  As we took our cliché  walk down memory lane I began to try to match my ideals with the ones that he possessed. Just one child, money to spare, and eventually I even thought I wanted a life without religion-boundaries. I had come undone. I stopped praying, I thought how could I go to God who was undoubtedly disappointed with my choices, when I wasn't in the least repentant. In fact the conversations were the only thing keeping me alive. I looked forward to my afternoon escapes-hours of humor with someone who knew me well, who I had history with and who was able to make me forget about the daunting, overwhelming, depressing life I had developed for myself.


Lying by omission was causing me to have physical side effects. I was often dizzy and had stomach aches, my appetite disappeared, I was unable to concentrate on much of anything excluding myself and I believe my countenance lost it's usual glow.  I felt the aliments building and knew if I just stopped talking to my flame I would instantly feel better but I couldn't break free of this addiction.


I knew if I told Troy he would shut it down and rightfully so. He would force me to give up my phone, stop blogging, delete my Facebook account trying to keep me away from temptation. Trying to fight the battle for me. I needed to do it myself. So for a few months I kept my dirty little secret. Only my mother knew the depth of my involvement and my attempts to self destruct. I had no idea of how it would end. Finally my friend responded to my unraveling pleas for help and direction with some wise words-ultimately saving myself from becoming a divorcee. He made a metaphor that struck me with my own epiphany. He related my fantasy to a box. A box of memorabilia that you may think you can't possibly get rid of and put it in the attic for just in case, for some day. That box most likely will sit and it's contents may fade and doubtless collect dust. He said if you don't use those items packed away after years of taking up space why not have thrown the box away in the first place? All they really are are memories. That was when it hit me. He is just a past boyfriend, just a memory from high school. His recent words and time were not meant to be spent on me. He and I needed to be with our spouses bettering our real lives. This fantasy was just a mix of could've, should've, would'ves that ultimately weren't ever meant to be. It was a huge waste of time. I had fallen so far behind in my real life. My kids had been neglected- left to watch TV all day and eat candy, cereal and chicken nuggets. I had shirked most of my responsibilities. I was a closet addict.


After I threw the box away, the memories remained and I had to push them to the back of the shelf and put lots of books and what not in front of them to hide them from view. I have been successful at leaving them there out of sight, out of mind. I met with my counselor who unveiled the truth that one of the things I craved and found in this other man was-ironically- pure honesty. My amazing husband often chooses what will best make me happy, squelching his own ideas. I have proclaimed, "I feel like I don't know you" for lack of conversation or the truth behind his expressions or lack of expression even. In identifying this missing component our marriage has improved dramatically. I  look forward to any disagreements because finally Troy has found it within him to say what he is really feeling. It is of such value to communicate honestly with the person you have the potential to become one with. And in hearing him out I have learned to trust what he is saying is true not just what he thinks I want to hear. It has brought us closer than I imagined anything could.


As I'm continuing on my journey to find strength to face the "harsh reality" of my life I am simultaneously acknowledging my weaknesses. I made a list of the things that are absolutes to me. I know that one of the reasons I fear my kids is the words they say to me or even just the tone of voice they use. I'm learning that kids are just trying to survive and that means that they are innately and normal to behave selfishly in this phase of their lives and that I can not take it personally. I have had to work on the art of not joining with them in tantrums.


Being honest with my husband and myself has had phenomenal results in the mystifying world of communication. I obviously take the approach of complete transparency, I believe it is the only way we can begin to understand one another. How many terrible things have happened in this world as a result of failed communication?


This entry was the most difficult to hit post- fo sho. You may feel awkward around me or even want to avoid me from now on. You may think I'm incredibly selfish (a weakness I am very aware of) and be baffled at why the hell Troy chooses to stay with me every day. That is fine with me. I am convinced we all have demons and most of us try to bury them as deep as humanly possible but for some of us bringing them to the surface truly is the only way to ultimately free ourselves of them.


I am anxious about embarking on this 90 day journey with Troy (who I will be tightly clinging to for the next three months-he's done this before) but I expect to see a big change in myself. As I get through the grueling boot camp workouts every morning I know I will gain the confidence to attack each day with my children. And that I will come to believe that I can do it without vices, secrets and regret. I may not be strong today but I have the potential to become better every day. I need to- for myself, my husband and my kids. I hate feeling inadequate, less than, terrible, hopeless. I look forward to sharing with you my successes as I gain control of the chaos.

I'm just a little slow

Unintentionally Revised


When my husband and I were in the throws of the defining months of our relationship, the time when you answer the question should I stay or should I go- I remember being okay with the thought of leaving the kids behind. My sister said, "Maybe you were just supposed to give birth to them. Maybe someone else was meant to raise them." I was ready to believe that. I find that I often battle the restraints of domesticated life and flounder like a fish out of water as I try to figure out who I am and what my calling in life is. Yes, I have been here before.


I don't seem to possess the innate nurturing, loving feelings that should accompany being a parent. Sadly, I can't relate to the parents who say they would do anything for their children. This is hard to admit. At times I have to force myself to think about losing one of them to remind myself that I do care. The parents who are smitten and enamored by everything disgusting and cute about their children, are just plain annoying. However, over the past couple of months I have been watching more intently the parents around me. I've been watching people in all circumstances and with all different parenting styles. I watch to see where they acquired the gooey love from and why I don't have it.


I think part of my problem is the irresponsible spacing of our oldest four children. They were born too close together. It was enough to keep myself from drowning, treading water is exhausting. One time we left all four of them, 5 years and under, with my parents while we went on a five day cruise to Ensenada. Upon our return my mom asked, "How do you even find time to wipe your butt?".


This is pretty ridiculous but an epiphany none the less.


My kids have assumed that they have a say in if they do or don't attend family events. I've tried half heartedly to ask why they didn't want to grace us with their presence, I've attempted to validate their feelings by letting them rattle off their unreasonable complaints. My husband just simply, without argument, tells them to "GET IN THE CAR" leaving me to deal with the incessant whining. This time I was grown up enough to listen. Unanimously, the most pressing problem was that they get bored. I planned to sacrifice and packed my swim suit. I got all five kids in the pool. We had races, cannon ball wars, synchronized routines, we did handstands and underwater somersaults, we had a tea party at the bottom of the shallow end and I even took a turn down the slide-pretty sure I snagged my suit.


We had a blast. I think I learned the secret -I need to build block towers with them, get in their tree forts, play Monopoly with them (gag), watch Slugtara with them, ride bikes with them, lay on their beds and listen to their dreams, concerns, and stories. You can't love someone if you don't know them.  I was enjoying my time writing, talking on the phone, organizing closets, keeping the house clean and running smoothly, mowing the yard. I was trying to stay as uninvolved as possible this summer. I need to put in the effort to build relationships with my children and have the desire to draw closer to them. I don't think it has to be one or the other. I don't have to give up everything I love to play with them all day but I do need to give them the time of day (so they know when they have to check in).


During this time of rediscovery I know I need to better prioritize my time so that I can make memories with my kids before they slip through my fingers.

You are stronger than you think

I chose to spend 90 minutes in 100 degree weather to mow the yard. Some say, "Make your kids do it", "That's what kids are for". Sheepishly I agree thinking they're right and I'm wrong. Why doesn't my husband do it? The fact of the matter is, I'm my father's daughter and I actually like working in the yard. Yes Mom, it's true. I also realized how much more enjoyable it is when the grass is high and the sun is hot.  I like to hear my favorite music cheering me on. This chore has always made me feel strong like I have the power to conquer armies should there be any in my way.  For a long time I had to act like the little engine that could chanting "you can do it, you can do it." This was my only solace as I dodged moths, grasshoppers, bees and wasps which all seemed to attack me when I didn't even know they were hiding in the first place. I've gotten better and can forge through with Pandora.

As I was on leave from the world making an attempt at straight lines-haha-I got to thinking about how strength is about pushing ourselves. As I pushed through the tough spots I thought of my oldest daughter and how she may not think of me as strong in an emotional sense, I want her to know I'm strong because I don't give up-I fight through the blisters. I thought about how good it felt to push my body to finish the yard without breaks-except for a minor one when I shared a popcicle with Louie it was orange-we were out of purple-but I refrained from sitting because it definaty would have been over. I thought about the people who-be up in the gym working on their fitness-pushing themselves to the limit. I thought about a special mom of a friend who would work a swing shift and come home and start making food for us teenagers. She never sat down for a break she is strong and pushed herself.
Recently I told a friend who has significantly less children than I -if you had to do what I have to do, you wouldn't be able to do it the way you want to. I don 't actually think that's true anymore. With enough desire I do have the strength to push myself to keep a cleaner house this is probably my biggest aspiration. With the kids as my slaves-I can do it.

Our new routine of same get out of bed time, same chores, same consequences for two solid weeks is working and they no longer bring up child labor laws anymore. Do I feel stronger? Absolutely but I cringe to think my teens will likely ruin it. Can't see it going well. (they are in Cali with grandmas) I have pushed myself.  The first step was the plan, the second acting on it.

It was right in front of me the entire time. As my dear friend Dannette would say -put on your big girl panties. Let's clarify, the panties themselves don't necessarily have to be big. I needed to push myself to get stronger -not change my role in the lives of the most important people-my family. I needed to get stronger by simply trying harder.  We are all in different places can all handle only so much at one time.

Sometimes we need to break to put ourselves back together and we need to fall to get back up. Sometimes we  downright can 't push any farther we have made it to our limit and need the strength of someone else to push from behind. This time I think I just needed to overcome myself and find the strength I had buried. I thought I was going to lose, to be eaten alive by these monsters , my offspring. When really I just needed to take control of the situation, exert my power and face them with a sword and shield. I am stronger than they are by sheer status-I am their mother-and always will be. I can do this. As cheesy as it may sound, when you tell someone you believe in them, that is a source of infinite strength. Let 's build each other up against all we have to fight. Tell someone you love how you are on their side , you believe they have the strength to overcome.