Hello Beautiful

People have told me we have good kids, until recently I didn't believe that statement. Please feel free to judge me and them-that's what I like to do most.

I'm going to start with the things they don't do-they don't bully other kids, they don't always go to Sunday school, they don't always get good grades, they don't always get to school on time, they don't want to do what they are told, they don't always dress "appropriately", they don't do their chores without being yelled at, they don't always clear their dinner dishes, they don't always say please and thank you, they don't always flush the toliet, they don't always love each other, they don't always watch their language and they don't always screen their media.

And onto the things they do-they do love me when I don't deserve it, they do get out of bed and ready for school on time most days, they do thank me for cooking dinner-even if they don't eat it, they do ask for my suggestions, advice and opinions-whether they use it is beside the point, they do hang out with each other and try to accommodate one another's Netflix preferences, they do appreciate when we give them a lift and the clothing we provide, they do have worthwhile hobbies, they do try to do their own laundry, they do act crazy and fun together, they do surprise us and make us laugh, they do share their hearts and deepest thoughts with me, they do love the beach, they do try to please us, they do make us proud, they do have friends, they do look toward to the future, they do turn in their phones at night, they do rarely-randomly tell me I'm a good mom, they do give me coupons and breakfast in bed every Mother's Day, they do buy each other gifts for Christmas, they do help each other with homework, they do participate in family prayer and dinner, they do love to plan vacations, they do love having their own money and being independent whenever given the oppertunity.

The point of these lists is to show myself that I can and do love them unconditionally. For the last 15 years-give or take-I haven't allowed myself to accept them as perfectly imperfect-as they are. I have embraced a culture that I somehow twisted into a long string of "shoulds", "have tos" and a burden of expections.

Whether I placed this presumption on myself or not is irrelevant, it was my reality. I am learning the culture is different than the doctrine but if every church meeting you attend has the same feeling-those two things-culture and doctrine get blurred. It is similar to your mother's dog who reportedly only pisses in the house when you come over-provoked or not. If you only see the dog marking it's territory it is the reality to you her dog is ill-mannered and in need of obedience school. 

I felt judged to such a degree that I never saw the beauty within the people with whom I resided. I was always on edge feeling that my efforts were never enough, I should be working harder at creating a Christ centered home, at getting everyone to be missionaries at school and work, at making sure our appearance at church was that of standards (pressed shirts, combed hair), and on and on. But I couldn't ever make that happen, I was constantly failing. I know I am not alone in this self defeating cycle.

I was miserable and making my kids feel I never approved of them, they weren't enough. How is that beneficial to anyone? How does going to church bring joy? I was unable to find balance until I let go. Until I distanced myself to figure out what I truly value.

Could the church possibly be the source of all my angst and confusion about being a mother-the trapped feeling that I have been struggling with? I hadn't before given the thought room to grow I had always denied anything could be wrong with my faith. Maybe I'm the odd one out-I wouldn't be surprised.

2012

Patterns

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Taking risks in life can give you heartache. I remember when we were losing our house in the spring of 2010-I couldn't put my finger on it but came to realize my heart was breaking. We had memories in that beautiful house we had built. We were leaving friends-schools-everything was about to change. We didn't have much of a choice just like in a relationship that is ending despite your efforts. Sometimes things don't work out how we want them to-no matter what.

However, what would life be like if we tried to make each day predictable-routine? What if when the carpet was worn and needed replacing we put the exact same in its place? What if we never tried a different paint color or style of underwear? What if we never questioned who we are-why we believe what we do? What if we were so afraid of heartache that we never put our heart out there?

I'm back at what seems the story of my life-questioning my beliefs-standards-rituals. (You must be thinking-damn this girl is crazy. Interestingly those who are closest to me-myself included-find that's what they love about me most.) I've taken this farther than ever before. Said that before. Not sure if I'm being pushed by pain or pulled by possibilities. Most likely a little of both-no matter-it threatens heartache. I feel trapped-by my faith and my responsibility as a parent whose children mimic my actions and also my beliefs. I've received heavenly guidance that I get to figure this one out-that I can take my time-that I have time. That last phrase you have time is so relevant to me because I am so deficient in the virtue of patience. I tend to want to sprint when I am competing in a marathon. 

Sometimes the God given gift of agency-choice-seems like a joke. Born into a religious family-by default you are a descendant of those traditions. Your only choice is to leave-but it isn't that easy. However, those born without a predominant religion may seek their own truth-eventually choosing for themselves alone-making a more educated decision-one that is personal-divine. Either way your heart must be there. 

If I had been told of the heartache of having so many children we may have been more trepidous in our decisions to have "one" more-in which Troy claims he had no choice-whatever. Of course we love them all and can't imagine life without any one of them-I take that back-I can imagine life with less children I just don't know who I would throw back.

It's funny how we make choices we think we can handle-like the before described parenthood. Or trying drugs just once-driving under the influence that's when you're the most attentive right?-having conversations with someone other than your spouse-working full time and being the mom-get married before you are even legal-going to school full time and being the mom. These are all things we think we can handle-some of us can and others won't figure it out without trying and failing. I know I tend to do what I want no matter what other people say-I have determination. That also gets me in a place where I need rescuing on occasion.

The trick is to find the humility to be saved-to admit I stepped over the line-broke through the boundaries-lost control a little. The other option is to keep pushing right on through-some may call it stubborn-this is what you have to do to be completely independent of anyone-you have to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone-then relationships and opportunities are lost. But that's the beauty of life everyone gets to choose and the consequences will come. 

"A man without a vision of his future, always returns to his past"

So I looked up at my all knowing shower head and proclaimed-today is the first day of the rest of my life. I didn't get a response-good thing time is on my side. I don't know where I want to go-what I want to be. Free-sucessful-happy. Now show me how to get there. I am looking-searching-praying.

I need to decide what is most worth fighting for and come up with a plan to obtain it. I will stumble and I may not ultimately reach it but I will have given away my heart trying and truly that is all any of us has to give.

Come On Guys, Really?

Everytime I hear a little dog barking I am reminded that getting rid of Roxie was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I've decided to go ahead and plant a garden. Yesterday I cleared the two boxes in the yard. Pulling weeds, tilling up the soil to reveal a rich brown dirt and raking to make it all level yields a beautiful result. I started the task and finished it in about 90 minutes, satisfied and sweaty. It's a little too early to plant here-there remains a chance of frost until mid-May. With the weather we've been having that seems impossible but we've learned the hard way and killed a few hearty plants. I wasn't going to bother with a garden this year being we're not sure when or if we're moving. But I've had it with the idea of-well I don't know what's going to happen so I'm not going to do anything.

It comes back to taking action when you are unhappy. Don't continue to live with frustration-in limbo. Don't hate the house and complain about it incessantly. Don't keep living with a void, a hole. Don't expect or hope for your circumstances to change-DO SOMETHING. Anything. Even if it doesn't work. All of the great thinkers, inventors, discoverers, humanitarians, leaders, performers-anyone you know and applaud-have failed numerous times. We typically don't think "I'm going to try this and I know it's not going to work but I'm going to try it anyway." But trying and failing is so much better than not trying at all.

Last summer Troy produced a concert. He'd never done anything like that before. It turned out great, he learned what worked and the things that absolutely did not. He has a dream of owning a concert venue-of working with singer/song writers, bringing acoustic sets to Boise. He knows without connections that will never happen, without investors it's not feasible.

It's a long way away but he's moving toward it. Yes, there are setbacks and disappointments but that is how we learn and he is resilient. He doesn't let the skeptism, and non believers steal his momentum. 

I feel like I'm repeating a previous post but this has been so relevant in my life and so many of my friends recently that I thought it was worth another mention. Everyone has a different answer to the question "What is stopping you?". I'm surprised that so many of us CHOOSE to sit complaceant, dormant or just plain miserable. What's the deal? Figure out what you want, think about how you can obtain it and then go for it-JUMP. When there is a lot at stake-it is then that it is the most important to act.

So many options

Toss Me That Wrench

It's always sobering to hear of a friend's misfortune. It can be heartbreaking. This past fall my dear friend Jenny woke up with paralysis from her waist up (including her lungs), my cousin's husband died in October and most recently a friend-our age-was diagnosed with breast cancer. I tend to think "That could've been me." It can humble us, help us be more thankful, show more gratitude for our blessings. Be kinder and more patient with the ones we love. My Dad always told me before heading off to another day of school, "You never know what's going to happen today.". I always thought of it as exciting-something extraordinary. Maybe someone would leave a flower on my car, or I would be pulled out of class to learn I had been nominated for some good student award. Maybe I would find a twenty dollar bill in the grass where we ate lunch, maybe my parents would have a winning scratcher.  The possibilities were endless. Even though it's more fun to imagine all the unexpected good things that can 

happen we can still come out on top when we are plagued with terrible news. Again it all comes back to perspective-most likely your situation could be worse. 

And over the years I have learned that when you no longer acknowledge your trial as such-it loses power over you. If you can accept whatever life hands you-you will be happy no matter what happens today. The beauty is we are all on the same playing field-no one knows.

She's ready for anything in this crazy git-up.

Just Ask

So running last night made my physically sick. Guess I shouldn't have pushed myself quite as hard. I tried to do some interval training between telephone poles-sprint then jog. I always imagine that I am stronger than I actually am. Whatever.

Being that I was wiped out by six-I snuggled on the couch until I could justify it was late enough to snuggle into my bed at eight. I went to bed early so my typical evening routine which includes cleaning up downstairs was obviously neglected. 

Naturally upon waking the next morning I was gifted with a mess-relatively small but there was a mess all the same. Of course I had to mention how ridiculous it is that I'm the only one who can ensure things get done before bed. In my mind it really wasn't a big deal and I kind of enjoy that kind of tidying up because the results are easy to come by. Since the work wasn't really the issue I had to take a step back and do a little digging to find the root of the problem. 

I had already gotten three of the five out the door and it seemed as though everyone was bent on having a terrible day. I always feel my blood pressure rise when the complaints begin:"I am so stressed out I have a presentation today.", "My knee is bothering me.","I can't find my shoes somebody moved them.", "Gavin ate the rest of the cereal and put the empty bag away". I guess it's the timing that gets to me. "I need new shoes these ones hurt my feet", is always heard as we are on our way out the door. As if I can do anything about it right now. 

When I can't resolve the problem immediately I get resentful and frustrated. For some reason I take it to heart and feel as though I'm failing because they aren't completely happy. My frustration turns to irritability and I snap back, "Why are you guys always complaining?". That does nothing good-it doesn't even make ME feel better temporarily I just feel inadequate. Essentially what happens-it gets added to the list of things to do-the list I can't possibly accomplish in this lifetime. I am the one who gets to carry all their problems-get dumped on. They don't give any thought to the combined weight of their issues on my shoulders. Of course they don't I'm the mom and they are the kids. It is my job to listen, take note and balance all their concerns big or small- important or not.

And I just really don't feel strong enough. That's when I pray for help. I pretty much have a prayer in my heart all day long. A stream-of-conscientiousness conversation with my Heavenly Father.

So our dark middle child sketched this in church in about 5 minutes but decided he didn't like how it turned out. We teased him about her hands and Kylie quickly quipped, "If you put her hands together it would look like Mom praying." We exchanged a knowing smile.

I Gotta Have It

Wow, what a difference a day makes-or a few months rather. I thought I'd prep my body to run with a friend in a couple of days. That was both good and bad. Now I know how old I am and how jiggly my theighs have become. Nice. Gone are the rock hard quads and if I really want them back -I'll have to work for them. But at least I now know where I stand. I even walked part of the route-lame. Walking is for sissies and old people-I'm neither, yet.

Even worse I spit on myself-twice. You can't say you've never done that before ladies. Admit it. We women weren't born with the innate knowledge of how to spit for distance. Spitting on yourself is definitely one of those truly embarrassing moments that actually become something to laugh about almost immediately-like when there is a hole in your cup and you dribble on your chin right on down your shirt.

I'm not a creature of habit but sometimes I pretend to be. Maybe I haven't found many things to motivate me to keep doing it religiously-although I can say we almost never miss a church service. It's not that it's always amazing I think it is more the fact that it would feel wrong to not go. Besides that is the first step in the slippery slope which always ends up changing you into a heathen.

My point is-washing the dishes before going up to bed, working out every day, choosing the hard boiled egg over the brownie are all great ideas. We theoretically can make the right choice but it just isn't that easy or natural for that matter. It does feel better to be eating right and exercising- my headaches and tummy aches miraculously disappear and energy takes their place. If you can master yourself and make good habits-hats off to you. Obviously if it wasn't difficult to do what we all know we aught to everyone would be toned, educated, wealthy and happy. 

Everyone else's problems are so easy to fix. She complains that she's getting fat but then proceeds to eat a baker's dozen. You just want to point out-well that's your problem.  But sometimes I wonder if we were void of all vices- if we were perfect and mastered would we be fulfilled? Sometimes being bad or just going against the grain is what keeps us sane and makes us feel alive.

What is the answer? Acknowledge your weaknesses but don't broadcast them and take baby steps. Give yourself goals and most important rewards otherwise you won't feel motivated to work so hard and you will be content with mediocrity. The truth is-our vices no matter how comforting-keep us from progressing in other areas. Opportunities pass us by, our focus isn't where it should be, in essence we stop growing. Or we can work harder than we thought possible-to overcome the demons we all have. What you choose is completely up to you and no matter what I will still love you.

I'm parked. What a rebel.

My current state of mind

Here I go again. I am craving drama. I am twidling my thumbs. Over six weeks ago we put a low ball offer on a short sale. We have yet to start negotiations. I feel like my hands are tied. I can't start boxing up the stuff worth moving and I don't have any desire to clean out the garden beds in fear that we won't be here to watch the tomatoes turn.

"Desperate housewives" is a completely appropriate description-desperate for love, attention, excitement, spontaneity, energy, desire, fulfillment. I am particularly desparate for the peace and quiet-the oppertunity to be alone. To figure out or find the woman I have inside me. Full time motherhood tends to lend itself to helping us forget our worth and what we really want out of this life we are stumbling through.

Wednesday mornings when I have no other place to be but home, with all children rushed off to another "torturous" day of school-my soul rejoices and I feel as though I might float straight up and leave hand prints on the ceiling. I dance my ass off and I feel amazing for a little over two hours. (A big shout out to Miss Carolyn.) I've thought about doing some housework in the buff but I'm sure that would scare my neighbors-but oh the freedom that would ignite-soaring on wings of Eagles.

After I threw a fit this week desparately seeking space from my daily duties -namely our inquisitive 3 year old-Troy declared Saturday as Stephanie's Day.  It didn't feel real until he assured me they would manage without me last night-Friday. I was left to plan my golden day of solitude, guilt free. 

Nowhere I wanted to go opened until 9am so I planned to sleep in. Then I would go to Khol's and spend the credit from my Christmas returns. I would leisurely shop with no complaints, whining, ticking of the clock, unruliness. I could glare at the other mothers who let their kids run around as if the store was a playground-if I was that kind of person. Ha.

I also wanted to spend a good portion at the "crazy store" where I have yet to take certain members of my family-they wouldn't appreciate it. If you need to know where this venue is or what it is -pm me.

And I definitely wanted to spend time at Barnes and Noble for three purposes-to finish the ebook I was reading Fatal Light, to write, and to peruse the books to see if anything fell off the shelf in some act of fate-granting me a new hobby. But this new hobby has such small parameters I don't know if it will find me. It has to be something I can become passionate about or at least like a lot, it can't cost a small investment, it can't be something that takes an hour to set up and/or put away. So basically I'm left with learning to knit a scarf-only that most definitely does not fulfill the first requirement. Sigh.

This morning of my glorious so dubbed Stephanie's Day (kind of catchy isn't it?),  right away Troy had a lot of juggling to do. Kylie had a chiropractic appointment down town (about 35 min away), he had to get his Grammy's beans to the church, and Ashton to his friend's parents' gym before they left without him. He also needed to get the beans to an acceptable temp so that the tasters could be served relatively warm not cold straight from the fridge and my crock pot was most definitely not going anywhere-tricky. I took the two drop offs but had to make the comment-"Being the Mom isn't easy is it?" He didn't like that and threw something back under his breath. With a peck and a sarcastic "Have a good day"-I was outy. It wasn't until the errands were complete and I was headed to Khol's, music blaring did my Colgate smile make an appearance. Then I almost couldn't wipe it off-almost. The whole day to do whatever I could think of. Well maybe not whatever but I was finally able to breathe and not out of frustration (a habit Louie has picked up-it's quite effective and pretty cute when she does it-(the breathing out of frustration part)).

It was so rewarding. I was ecstatic. No one interrupted my songs or my thoughts and I was in no hurry. I took some of the precious sunshine to ponder for a bit. I came to the realization that the reason I had to jab Troy about trying to do my job today is because I want him to recognize how much brain power, intuition, skill it takes to make our world turn. Not just him, I want all humanity to respect. I need someone to validate my occupation as worthy of doing. It is a beast to tackle everyday. It is mundane and not at all inspiring or motivational. Any of you spend forty hours a week on laundry alone? That's what I thought.

So I either need to find a hobby to enjoy or pull out the nanny hat and become the best damn employee Troy has ever had. Maybe both.

I have to give props to Troy, the man is amazing. When I called at about the time I said I'd be home to extend my alone time-he gave such an impressive report his exact words:

               "You get as long as you want. Come back at midnight if u want. I am just leaving to take Lou to library then go get ash. Danny and his bro are here playing with gav and d. Kylie is juggling in back yard."

Wow. I couldn't have done it better myself and he was probably more graceful than I. You know what this means-more Stephanie Days- I know they'll manage.

Ugh. Who takes their kids to the bookstore on a Saturday afternoon?  Just kidding. But seriously.