Legit

For my Mormon friends who have been wondering where I am, for my regular friends you already knew this is who I am, for my family I expect you to love me the same, for my kids this does not give you permission to drink before you're legal.

I posted the following in a private Facebook group for Mormons who are struggling with their faith. Some have left the church, some have one foot in and one foot out but all 2,000 members are doubting and uncomfortable with aspects of the church. I have found it to be a comfortable fit for me.

"It was the strangest thing. For the last 4 and a half months I've been telling myself there is no truth in the church and I am happy to leave behind the expectations and judgements I put on myself. Happy to leave it all behind. I haven't wanted to admit it but I've felt a void and my spirituality had been halted. My eyes have been opened, I'm loving life, a majority of the doctrine I will not testify of, I know it is not the one true church. But yesterday eating alone I had the feeling that I can take just pieces of it. This is something that never before made sense to me. I'm actually planning to attend church on Sunday after a 6 week break. It'll be interesting. I WANT to go, I want to see it from a non members perspective. I want to see if I can find any true doctrine in Relief Society (the third hour when the women meet together). I'll probably skip Sunday school. I'm not going to make any of our children go rather I will invite them, let them choose. That idea feels RIGHT. And I think I might want to read my scriptures again-I got good feelings from them before. But I know I don't HAVE to read them. I can't fathom holding a calling (appointed job at church) nor do I feel motivated to pay tithing at this point. I don't even plan to go to church every week. I have started feeling able and ready to serve in ways that more directly affect my own family like team mom, library helper at the school. No more church checklists. Wow, I really didn't see this coming but I think it's good. Being cautious and thoughtful."

One of the comments after I posted this said, "I think you are just engaging in your own terms, heaven forbid. : )". And that is exactly it. I also feel free to disengage should I want to. I finally feel like I truly have agency. I'm no longer driven by fear nor do I feel trapped, forced. I feel smarter. I feel being able to remove the blinders has shown me how often I left my decisions to someone with "authority". I will stop there as I don't wish to offend. 

This spiritual journey is fluid and beautiful, so grateful to be alive.

 

You are you and I am me

The idea that everyone is unique and brings value is basic but rarely actualized.  Everyone is unique and brings value. I have been attending an acting training every Saturday morning and it has become my sanctuary. I have learned so much about how to treat people in the last six weeks. I am blown away by how much more beautiful the world can be when you change the filter. 

In the workshop, complete trust is required by all that participate or the exercises will fail. To be able to accomplish the work everyone has to feel safe. I don't even know these people and yet there is such a feeling of respect, a love for our discipline that spills out of us and spreads across the floor, soon we are all connected. We get into awkward positions, make strange noises and when we are finished are so satisfied. (Stop it.) What I really want to express is the feeling of worth that is endowed upon each person in that room. No two people think alike and it is such a beautiful thing that we so rarely get to see. It's unfortunate how much we seek to fit in and conform. How often are you applauded for making the most interesting shape with your body? How about encouraged to continue spewing stream-of-conscientiousness garble while others are trying to work? Or being complimented on how you helped provide different levels, that were so appealing to the audience, because at just the precise moment you crawled across the floor? To be unguarded and vulnerable is so rewarding. To know what you offer makes a difference and brings joy is priceless. Generosity and kindness are no respecter of persons in this class. It is truly an amazing experience.

However, we don't live in the world of Viewpoints. The world we live in is much less rosey and much more fifty different shades of grey. (What is wrong with you?) Wouldn't it be nice if we had the time to validate each person's feelings and then thoughtfully move on to an appropriate plan of action void of any negative residual? Or what if we were as invested in another's well being as much as our own? What if we truly saw each person's endeavors as worthwhile whether we agreed with them or not?

And onto the children. While driving back to Star last Saturday morning, I figured out what type of mom I want to be. I want to be the kind of mom that makes my kids feel good about themselves. I want them to remember me listening to them intently not halfheartedly. I want them to know I value them regardless of their choices.

That night I had a moment with one of the boys. I sat on his bed and got a run down of how the Lego car he had built came to fruition from the initial design thru all the revisions and why it is still so incredible that it can balance. I made funny faces with him. I tucked him in tight and gave him a kiss good night. Having made a connection with one of our kids, I went to bed accomplished. I really just want them to know Mom's arms are a safe place. And no matter what they are valued, especially when they are doing something unique.

What the what?!

This week we are the parents of an only child. Yes, we have only one child for the next 5 days. Wow, I don't know how to do this. Am I supposed to create fights with her to give her the comfort of consistency? Will she and I get to be more like friends as opposed to the parent- child relationship that it should be? (Her best friend is at her dad's house for the summer so I don't have as much competition.) Might we sit down and have a movie marathon? Stay up until 5am and sleep until 2pm? Have a spa day? Or will it be like any other week? Will I occupy my precious "free time" with deep cleaning or painting over the hand smeared, chipping, ten-year-old paint?

It really isn't possible for it to feel the same, to give her the same amount of neglect she is used to. Just the dynamics of the house are so different. Even the air smells better. There is no fighting, contention, Mom has virtually no stress. What is this?  

Kylie and I will be able to talk about the things that give her anxiety. How will she choose a college major? Why didn't she try to have more hobbies- something other than soccer? How will she be able to afford the trip to Tahoe she has planned with her best friend as soon as she turns 18? How will she afford gas and a sweet stereo system for her truck? How many hours will she be working this summer? She has always been so involved in her future planning. She is a practical person determined to succeed. I like that about her. She knows her limits- how much she can handle and still give her all. She's pretty amazing actually.

So thank you grandma for creating this scenario.

I still bask in the attention of both my parents on the rare occasions when I am the only child. To those of us with a few siblings- that time is so precious. How funny that even as a grown woman I lap up the praise, encouragement and unconditional love- the comfort they provide that simply can not be replicated.

Every child deserves to be doted on, regularly. I would love to give each of my children the opportunity to feel like the favorite. But that just isn't possible- or is it? Can't I find the time to give them a daily dose of "Mommy and Me" time? Yes, Yes I can. Now that my schedule is a little more free and they are home for summer I can take advantage of the extra hours. I can pull them aside, bend down to look them in the eyes and gaze into their souls. Hold them tight and whisper "I love the way you think. I am so glad you are a part of our family". I can snag one of them to return the Red Box with me and treat them to a turn-your-mouth-blue slurpee. I can take dinner, breakfast and dessert requests. I can wake them up with a tickle rather than an impatient series of escalating "GET UP!" shouts. I can tell them how proud I am to be their mother. It really is that simple.

This is pretty legit folks.

Growing pains

I love this-"If you are having a problem you can't seem to figure out, take yourself out of it. Give yourself the advice you would give a friend in the same situation." This logic is profound to me. It makes perfect sense. When we are in the thick of things our emotions tend to take over. A bird's eye view is much more informative then staring into fog. This rationale can get quick results-sometimes just taking a step back allows us to clearly see the answer. Kind of like when you can't find the left over lasagna but when you take a step back- there it is front and center. (I know- that was a stretch.) Truly, when we are wrestling with coworkers, parents, spouses and or children we can get a different perspective simply by putting some space between ourselves and our emotions.

There are times our friends ask "What should I do?". Sometimes the answer is so obvious to you- on the outside looking in- it's a wonder they can't see it. Sometimes you reply honestly "I don't know what I would do". Often our own problems fall into the latter category and they can't be figured out unless you really work at it. With the practice of removing ourselves from the crisis it becomes less life threatening.

I have been pondering the next step in my spiritual journey. If I am honest with myself, I know what I would tell her to do. But it's not that simple. I'm the leader, they listen to me when I say "Simon Says". I have come to the conclusion for now I have to wait. I have to sit tight, as uncomfortable as I am, and watch the snag in the sweater slowly unravel. Some things can't be rushed. Some things are meant to test our strength. Some things require time to manifest- like strains of a strange virus in a Petri dish.

Word

Mowing the lawn is one of my favorite chores. I don't even want to call it a chore it's more a privilege. I love the time to myself, my music, my thoughts uninterrupted- most of the time. It evokes some of my deepest emotions. It gets my brain going and I tap into the part of me I love most. It seems odd -it must correlate with the strenuous physical work. I always end up with blisters on my hands. We have one of the largest yards in the subdivision and our mower is not self-propelled. The upbeat music gets me moving and during water breaks I dance like nobody's watching which I sincerely hope is the case.

Today I thought how I feel a minuscule number of people I've met in the past ten years- since we've lived in Idaho-are aware of my abilities and talents. It seems all I've shown Idahoans is my CRAZY. The crazy I didn't even know was hiding inside of me. I've been all over the place. I've been trying to figure out where I fit, what it is I'm supposed to be doing, teaching these beautiful children and how to get to heaven. I've been so out of balance it is re.dic.u.lous. There are no limits just epiphanies. True for me, as I unveil my face I am permitted to see the girl in the mirror who LOVES life. I never have had body image issues-which is why it is difficult to be motivated to exercise. I have always been confident to a fault. I attribute those traits partially to my encouraging parents and the other part to me-of course. I am proud. I guess it's alright though because I have loyal friends who put up with me.

In California, at the tender age of 20, I figured out how to establish a theatre program out of nothing and completely on my own. The company has grown and is still going after 15 years. I directed a few shows through 3 pregnancies. I was amazing. I'm not trying to be conceited but by definition, I guess I am.

I'd forgotten what I could do, the things I love to do. Then I took action. I turned my back to the things that were taking up all my time and were reciprocating much less than was desirable. Guess what the result was? I'm loving life again. I have started to get paid for my writing, I have had an acting gig, I'm preparing contrasting monologues and have found a photographer to take my headshots. I need to update my resume- no hurry-I have time. I've picked up books-fiction and nonfiction alike. I am putting me first and ironically have so much more to give to my family. I never understood how that worked. My relationships with my children have become so cherished to me. I want to spend time with them and hear all about it, my patience has increased minutely (I can dream), I am learning who they are. I was so preoccupied with what I was being told to do, I couldn't even think beyond. My life was literally retarded. I stopped being me and put up a convincing facade. For what? I honestly gave it my all. And I've always known it is not the only way-its time to discover what way is my way. It's scary and unpopular and who knows I may end up 12 years later right where I began. It's time for me to see the world, study different cultures, experiment, explore, exist.

There have been numerous days in the last two weeks, I have called Troy just to report pure joy. I feel so free in making decisions all on my own. I know it must sound ludicrous to some but this is my reality. I am fully aware that not all religious persons are so zealous in keeping the commandments put forth by their ecclesiastical leaders. Personally I have a difficult time with that. I am black or white, all or nothing. Practicing only some of the suggestions coming from the pulpit doesn't make sense to me. It is hypocritical and irreverent. How can you outwardly manifest you believe something if your inner being isn't whole-heartedly behind your actions. Many people have successfully found peace in this type of lifestyle however, I am not one.

Where this journey will take me is unknown and I look forward to navigating the course. I'm excited. I have taken a huge risk, I changed something presently not working after surveying all aspects of my life. I am a doer.

Break.

Blazing the trail

I'm so glad that God doesn't build walls. He is always there to talk to and to listen to.  My heart has been filleted to increase the surface space so I can absorb the things He is trying to tell me. In the past two months, I have been intensely listening to know where to go. Daily I receive inspiration, images, impressions and the accompanying "aha" moments. It is spiritual and inspiring, freeing and challenging. Yesterday I saw myself in the rat race-rushing for deadlines, overworked, unhappy, too busy to enjoy life-then suddenly I stopped. I dropped what I was carrying, I took off my shoes and raised my hands and head up to the sky. Closing my eyes, I felt the sunshine envelop me while all the others around me kept running-heads down. I was like a stone in the river, as I stood my ground everyone, everything was diverted and I remained unmoved. I had let go of all the "shoulds" and "have tos" and it felt incredible. I'm not moving backwards. I'm also not running, racing to win. It is not a game I want to play. I want to be confident that the movement I make is deliberate and properly motivated. I want to take my time to educate myself.
One day at a time.

photo credit Ashton Cooper

Hello Beautiful

People have told me we have good kids, until recently I didn't believe that statement. Please feel free to judge me and them-that's what I like to do most.

I'm going to start with the things they don't do-they don't bully other kids, they don't always go to Sunday school, they don't always get good grades, they don't always get to school on time, they don't want to do what they are told, they don't always dress "appropriately", they don't do their chores without being yelled at, they don't always clear their dinner dishes, they don't always say please and thank you, they don't always flush the toliet, they don't always love each other, they don't always watch their language and they don't always screen their media.

And onto the things they do-they do love me when I don't deserve it, they do get out of bed and ready for school on time most days, they do thank me for cooking dinner-even if they don't eat it, they do ask for my suggestions, advice and opinions-whether they use it is beside the point, they do hang out with each other and try to accommodate one another's Netflix preferences, they do appreciate when we give them a lift and the clothing we provide, they do have worthwhile hobbies, they do try to do their own laundry, they do act crazy and fun together, they do surprise us and make us laugh, they do share their hearts and deepest thoughts with me, they do love the beach, they do try to please us, they do make us proud, they do have friends, they do look toward to the future, they do turn in their phones at night, they do rarely-randomly tell me I'm a good mom, they do give me coupons and breakfast in bed every Mother's Day, they do buy each other gifts for Christmas, they do help each other with homework, they do participate in family prayer and dinner, they do love to plan vacations, they do love having their own money and being independent whenever given the oppertunity.

The point of these lists is to show myself that I can and do love them unconditionally. For the last 15 years-give or take-I haven't allowed myself to accept them as perfectly imperfect-as they are. I have embraced a culture that I somehow twisted into a long string of "shoulds", "have tos" and a burden of expections.

Whether I placed this presumption on myself or not is irrelevant, it was my reality. I am learning the culture is different than the doctrine but if every church meeting you attend has the same feeling-those two things-culture and doctrine get blurred. It is similar to your mother's dog who reportedly only pisses in the house when you come over-provoked or not. If you only see the dog marking it's territory it is the reality to you her dog is ill-mannered and in need of obedience school. 

I felt judged to such a degree that I never saw the beauty within the people with whom I resided. I was always on edge feeling that my efforts were never enough, I should be working harder at creating a Christ centered home, at getting everyone to be missionaries at school and work, at making sure our appearance at church was that of standards (pressed shirts, combed hair), and on and on. But I couldn't ever make that happen, I was constantly failing. I know I am not alone in this self defeating cycle.

I was miserable and making my kids feel I never approved of them, they weren't enough. How is that beneficial to anyone? How does going to church bring joy? I was unable to find balance until I let go. Until I distanced myself to figure out what I truly value.

Could the church possibly be the source of all my angst and confusion about being a mother-the trapped feeling that I have been struggling with? I hadn't before given the thought room to grow I had always denied anything could be wrong with my faith. Maybe I'm the odd one out-I wouldn't be surprised.

2012