Summertime and the Living is Easy

So much has happened this year to catapult me into....well, serenity.  Some things carried on longer than were comfortable- an emotional affair, underemployment, activity in the church, pity parties to highlight a few. But now, I feel absolutely balanced and ready to face the challenges life offers.

Early spring brought me a truly inspired gift. I was rolling out bread dough and I had an intense feeling come over me. I found myself in tears as something spoke to me in regards to my life's mission and educational plans. I had the distinct feeling that my life is going to include something on a more global scale. I recalled in my year spent at the College of Western Idaho I had taken three internationally themed classes: Refugees in Idaho, Education Around the World and World Religion. I feel like my calling is going to involve diversity. I felt impressed that what ever work I'm going to do is going to be bigger than myself. It was such a clear and unexpected message.  It felt so amazing to receive divine revelation without any prior petition. I shared my experience with a couple choice friends and after a few weeks of wondering what to do was led to a brand new major that will be premiering this fall at Boise State-Global Studies. I couldn't believe it. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going but I feel like I am in sync with the divinity within. Figuring out Global Studies would be my new major was almost more exciting than finding out I was pregnant for the first time. I was beyond excited. In the middle of trying to convey my feelings to my family I stopped and realized the words I know are  inadequate. There was no real way to describe the joy and purpose I was experiencing. I had the thought- maybe the elation was just for me. Maybe it isn't possible to portray the depth or height of some very select emotions. Maybe you can't position the blade at the right angle to cut your heart open to reveal an accurate view of something so personal. No one cares about your life as much as you do. Truly.

Spring also brought Troy a new job opportunity. He was recruited by a third party and after three interviews, including being flown out of state for a day, he started work with Wall To Wall Stone Corp. This move has been life changing. We finally got new flooring after 3 years. We had a fun filled, worry free California vacation without having to pack our pantry for the meals en route. With money for small treats, new clothing, and one on one dates I actually enjoy being a parent. Life without the extreme financial stress feels like we're cheating. We've really been missing out. I mean I knew we were missing out in the obvious literal ways but I had no idea how good it feels to not worry how we are going to make it through the month. Just the other day I recorded in my journal, "This morning I woke up with a profound sense that I have all that I need. I find I remind myself in the moments I start to get upset that there is no reason to be angry because I am very happy with my life."

And as I am becoming who I know I am and can be - I'm understanding even better all the whys and what fors. In fact it occurred to me that maybe having kids first and going to school later in life might actually make the most sense. In May I graduated from the junior college summa cum laude, the kids are going to be grown before we're too old and I'm young enough to have a career even after a few more years of college. Perhaps this should have been my plan all along. I think I'll adopt it now. So girls, get married right out of high school, have your kids and then a career. Life isn't passing you by when you're at home up to your ears in diapers at age 22.  Of course I wouldn't write out Kylie's future to match mine but I do have a fresh perspective sans the anger of yesterday. I feel hopeful I will get to fulfill all my dreams and have grandkids too.

I Found the Sweet Spot

January was tough. With Snowpoclypse 2017 I heard myself utter the words "I want to move back to California." That was a first after our almost 12 years here in Idaho. But January also brought new life to routine and I've found myself so, so happy. I got my job back at The Rib Shack and work very part time with some pretty fantastic people (you know who you are), I actually look forward to going. I have two classes on campus. So some days I work, on the other days I go to school. I love the conversation in my philosophy class -World Religions. It is spectacular to be free from any set beliefs and be able to explore so many new ideas. At this point I identify as agnostic- I am withholding judgement about all things religious. I guess you could say it's trendy but chakras and meditation, vibrations and perhaps crystals are becoming my vehicles to enlightenment.

My second class is a general requirement for almost all students to graduate- Health and Wellness. We have started a month long Behavior Change Project and after much thought I decided to work on embracing my role as mom and wife. I decided to devote one hour a day to mindfully serving a member of my family. The six days (Mon-Sat) would each be reserved for a different one of them and Sunday, if I was successful all six days, I would reward myself with two hours alone, away from home. The first week (last week went fairly well although not perfect.) I was more attentive, a smidge more patient, went out of my way for others,  felt more love toward them, I even felt moments of bonding. Actually, the pressure to do something to make someone feel special every day is heavy. I know it sounds terrible but it is exhausting to be nice when it doesn't feel natural. That's ultimately why I didn't complete my goal last week. Troy was observing me and was able to tell each day who my target was and by Friday realized my day for me to show him some extra attention would be Saturday. That made me feel resistant. Now that he knew it was his turn he'd be expecting me to do something out of the ordinary. Most of the time I feel I'm barely surviving. Now I have to go above and beyond- it might kill me. And he knows I'm grading myself, the kids didn't know exactly which day would be theirs and honestly they probably didn't notice because I counted my attendance at a concert, listening to the teenager's music in the car and watching a movie with them as my some of my service hours. Perhaps it doesn't seem like much but, when all you want to do is retreat to your bedroom and insulate yourself from the noise, the questions, the needs, and the voices my presence is sometimes all I can offer. And I tried to do it cheerfully. It became easier as the week went on and I noticed myself giving more help and attention to all of them not just the one intended for the day. By week's end I felt a little better about myself as a mother and my self talk leaned toward positive.

Then I was approached to audition for a show.  It was flattering. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken it so personally. I know she was inviting a whole company of women but this made me feel special. She sent me the script accompanied by a particularly complimentary email. And I thought about it. I worried over it. I imagined life with a 5 day a week rehearsal schedule. Is that what I really wanted? Life seems so perfectly balanced. I never feel stressed but I'm just busy enough. I had time to shovel the snow that fell last week. I'm home to take Ashton to gymnastics, I don't work nights or Saturdays, Troy and I get to date regularly, I can help Kylie with math homework, I'm improving my improv and helping with Lion King Jr. props. I love how I feel with things the way they are. I have to keep reevaluating to make sure they remain so. I'm in control yet flexible. I feel on top of the world. Life is essentially bliss.

Last night as I drove to the theater, tears rolled down my cheeks. I savored each one as they seemed to come individually and only from my right eye- odd. I was once again mourning the life I could have had. The feelings envelope me and I go quickly down a spiral of sadness. The running monologue sounds something like this "If only I wasn't a mom. I would be able to do that show and that show and meet so-and-so for happy hour, and work more. I could have a life. My head wouldn't be so polluted by all the things I have to do and worry about for my family. I'm a terrible person. Why am I so selfish? Why does this feel like torture. I hate family life. Who says family life should be  THE goal? It isn't for everybody. But I never thought there was anything more important. I was taught it was my "divine nature" to be a wife and mother. But did I ever ask myself? Didn't I try to call off the wedding twice? I fucking hate the church. If I hadn't have been Mormon I wouldn't have gotten married so young, had so many kids. I wouldn't be trapped. I could breathe." The tears continued to fall and then I wondered, "What is wrong with me? I have a wonderful life. Troy and the kids are awesome. People crave becoming a parent. Why don't I have more maternal instincts? Why don't I want to be a mom and wife? Surly I can't be the only one. There must be others. When I die, I'll be free. Maybe I should try to get in an accident. Then I'll be able to fly. I won't be responsible for anyone else." When I got to the theater, I took a moment before heading in. My visor mirror had reported I looked fine but when I started to talk my voice was, probably only noticeable to me, hoarse. I felt everyone look at me as I spoke and I wondered if they wondered why I had been crying.

On the way home I felt slightly better but why must I always feel so intense? Why so happy and content or so upset and hopeless? How can a person be so up and down, so contradictory all the time? I blamed mental illness. Should probably start taking my pills again. And then I started my period and it all made sense.

This one might do it

I spent all day every Saturday in December with my theater family. Specifically the March family. We brought Louisa May Alcott's story of Little Women to life for audiences of eager theater goers. It was a fabulous way to celebrate the holiday season. As part of the experience I initiated a secret Santa project where each cast member chose a name from a hat and were asked to bring one gift each Saturday- preferably homemade. On the last performance day which happened to be Christmas Eve we revealed our identities. My secret Santa also happens to be gifted with the talent of Tarot reading and -with my permission- gave me a reading! I couldn't be more thrilled. (On my journey I have found the ideals of minimalism extremely appealing so I would much rather receive an experience than a thing.) It was a perfect gift. After my reading we got into a discussion about how he learned to use the cards and exactly what he does to prepare to do one. His words were almost exactly how I have heard men in the LDS church describe how they prepare to give a priesthood blessing! It was a light bulb moment for me. It is all the same thing. Both tarot cards and the priesthood power are vehicles to access enlightenment or God's will or whatever you want to label it. You don't have to be male or of a certain age or "worthy". You just have to be open and quiet and listening. I know this is true. I know I don't have to pray to get personal revelation. I can receive answers through meditation, when balancing my chakras, or washing the dishes. We all have so much power within ourselves. To be told blessings can only be obtained through strict obedience to a plethora of rules and certain ordinances is simply not true. You don't have to go to church, abstain from alcohol, read scriptures, get married, have a family, love everyone, try hard. Shit you don't have to do anything to be blessed. We are worth it. One of my friends once told me even if I had no children and/or never made any money in this life -I would still be worth it. Damn right I would. We are all enough.

Feeling Powerful

Villians at the Village

My spiritual journey is finally moving. For the past 18 months I've left religion alone and really just focused on learning how to be a coffee and alcohol consuming adult. But I've been unintentionally gleaning from the minds of the balanced women around me. Last week was filled with an urgency to find my authentic self. So I reached out to five women all who run their own businesses (although that is far from appealing to me at this point), have glowing countanences, make everyone around them feel valued and absolutely know who they are. And they all responded to my plea for guidance! I now have reading material enough to get me well into next year and I know answers will be sought and found. I'm just looking to find my purpose and passion in this life. I'm pretty sure all I need to do is stop and listen. If only I didn't live with 6 other people maybe I could hear myself breathe. I'm looking forward to deep conversations, aha moments, living mindfully, meditating, meeting new people, and yoga classes.

Perfection

Because tomorrow is the day.

One of the things I lost when leaving the church was a clearly defined path. And without a demanding work schedule I find myself idle and drifting, often unmotivated. So recently I've tried out all these little weird ideas. Last week it was a rotation of 20 minutes each with a focus on different roles such as: self, wife, mother, student and so on. Twenty minutes seemed the perfect amount of time to not get stuck or bored. I really liked it for a couple of days but honestly routines just don't stick very well with me.

I also have tried emulating people. Using the WW_D formula plugging in different people I admired. This morning I tried to think who I might want to be as I was getting dressed and I realized I'm not that terrible of a person to be. So I tried on my favorite fall three-quarter length tshirt and jeans and thought about the traits that make up my unique personality. The first thing to stick out I hadn't thought of for awhile- I'm a perfectionist. Sure you wouldn't be able to tell that from a peak into my living room from the front porch or from a sample of my handwriting well shit nothing I do resembles perfect but I definitely have a vision of the ideal and when I'm feeling zealous I attempt to make things just so. I like to do things the right way. I know it seems silly but I do believe there is a right way to do just about everything from folding shirts to driving to bathing to making a cup of joe to spelling words. And this girl likes to be shown the right way. Most things only need one round of instruction but as they say- knowing is half the battle. I love to scan Pinterest for how tos and secret life hacks. I can vividly remember my mom showing me how to dry off after a shower. Flipping your hair over, working from head to toe, one leg at a time and finishing with a tight turban. I should've taught my kids maybe then the bath mat wouldn't be so squishy and the floor might be dry after they use it. Ah-probably not.

The second thought to this sequence was why don't I do things perfectly? The answer is I have too many things to do. I can't invest the time to do each thing as good as I know how. I simply can not give two fucks about most of the tiny tasks that envelop my day with 5 children, a husband and school. And I am fully aware most people find themselves in the same situation with thousands of decisions to make- most in a split second everyday. I've come to appreciate the ability to let go of ....most everything.

So we do our best and delegate as much as we can, satisfied with mediocre as long as the job gets done. And slow down on occasion to focus on the present and put in an A+ effort.

And maybe it isn't perfectionism at all- maybe it's a preference for situations I can control. So when life gets paralyzingly overwhelming I can be found untangling my necklaces or dumping out the junk drawer or refolding my disheveled clothes or finishing another season of Shameless.

How sad

                                                                 Photo Credit: Ashton Cooper          

It seems the right time to post again. It's somewhat like a "ruben timer". I just feel it. It's time to flip the sandwich.

So, I've been home for about a week and a half. Last week Troy and I started a new job together. There is a new building in Star. It is an urgent care with nine exam rooms, a break room, a couple of offices, desks, a small lab, xray. It's super easy to clean and only takes us about an hour. It is so nice to do something that takes absolutely no prep, no thinking, no human interaction. It's comparable to mowing the lawn. It's an uninterrupted music sesh. I must say I love it. It provides for Louie's kinder tuition and, if a spot should become available, Ashton's parkour.

They say if you want something done ask a busy person. Well, don't ask me to do anything. I have an inappropriate, mature, R-rated show to binge on Netflix, I have cookies to make and eat, I have homework to procrastinate, I have long showers to take and life to contemplate. I haven't taken up napping -yet.

There are actually a lot of benefits to being an unemployed mom. I am home when the kids are. I get to supervise them, while they are occupied in their bedrooms or otherwise in the neighborhood, from the comfort of my couch. I've come to enjoy tutoring them on math and life. I am thrilled I can make their ortho, med, and well check appointments any day at any time and be able to take them- except for today. I am making dinner and cleaning but I am not busy- all the kids are gone and six hours isn't enough to indulge in me time. I think I've died and gone to heaven. (Funny- money is still an issue up here.)

There are other perks to being rid of the association with a preschool program. I can have my FaceBook, and my blog for that matter, back to myself. It may seem weird but, I'm pretty sure everyone who contemplates signing their kids up for a program, looks up the instructor. I felt like I had to be careful of what I posted. It felt like a restriction and we all know how I feel about being restrained. Hence the somewhat drunk sounding post from Sunday night's concert venue. Carefree. Beware of cursing I might not feel like editing. Consider yourself warned.

I was talking to a friend recently who was confiding in me about some PTs (past transgressions) and she made the comment that these things are something she wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about while she was in the situation. I immediately thought of how my blog couldn't be any more in the present. This shit is real and happening right now.

And onto my spiritual journey. I woke up this morning with a recollection of last night's dream. My brother-in-law was married to someone different and we were at my in-laws house. It was General Conference weekend (when the Prophet and others give council to the Mormon church from Utah and it is broadcast on television it only happens twice a year) and my mother-in-law was trying not to cause any uncomfortable situations and so she didn't turn on the TV. Ironically that made me feel more uncomfortable because I knew she really wanted to watch what the leaders of the LDS church were going to reveal to their more faithful members. I told her not to worry about me and that she should turn it on. But I was sure to let her know I hadn't changed my mind and said "I still think it's a crock of shit." I looked at my sister-in-law not sister-in-law and asked her the question that got me where I am today. "Do you think you are better than me? Do you think by doing certain things you are somehow more loved by God?" I didn't allow her to answer and said "Don't you think God loves all of his children?" Then an image of the world burning came to my brain and I saw myself engulfed in flames but I wasn't the least bit scared. People on earth have been burned alive- it happens. What ever is going to happen will happen. I refuse to live in fear. I was somewhat surprised that my dreams weren't of a different perspective. After all the years I spent as a devout Mormon I assumed the paths my neuro transmitters took would be for the other team, of a more religious nature. There was once when I was speaking to my sister-in-law that I wavered and it crossed my mind that by voicing my opinion I wouldn't ever be able to renege and would be cast out no matter what. It's so odd how something once so dear could become so silly to me now. So I will continue on my path to seek ways to connect to the deeper parts of myself. I consider myself agnostic at this point but open. I'm looking to feel approval of my decisions from a bigger source however I'm not really sure that that even matters. I'm the one that has to live with whatever consequences come and those are usually pretty obvious even before one makes the choice.

Still as contradictory and unpredictable as ever. You can call me Stephanie.

I know one day this post will embarrass me but for now it's raw

I'm not sure what possessed me to want to share my struggles this way. Perhaps it is the simple fact that I  am an "attention whore".

I find that I can't do two things for very long. I can't mother and work at the same time. I'm just not good like that. I left my job teaching snotty nosed preschoolers the fundsmentals of drama. I'm not sure why. I believe it was the unnerving stress. I was consistently at the mercy of the business. It controlled me, ruled me, was with me the way heavy debt will cling to you and go for a ride on your back until you can get rid of it. Now I find myself questioning my worth. What am I good at? What do I have to offer? I'm not skilled or educated and worse yet I don't want to work. I want to be there for my kids more. I don't want the guilt associated with my absense. Is that unrealistic though?

Is it simply the fact that I can't seem to change my ideal to what is reality? I don't want to work- I took the baby train to nowhere and now I feel the place I'm most qualified is at home. Do you know what it feels like to work for minimum wage? Like shit. Especially when you're pushing 40. Now I sound like an ungrateful human (to say the least). What have I done?

What I really crave, more than money, is peace. As I typed those words I realized the two are inseparately linked.

I'm lost once again. From my brief plight with ShiningStars I don't think I want to teach at all. I don't know what I want to be. I'd honestly rather crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I know I'm dramatic. Which I think the experience may also have ruined acting for me. The weird thing is I'm damn good at what I was doing. It was just so uncomfortable. I think I made a huge mistake. Edit for clarification: The ShiningStars job was NOT a minimum wage gig, it was legit.Then there is Troy who always knows what to say, "It's okay. What's done is done. Don't look back." And "if it had been set up differently from the beginning I think you would've done just fine."

So onwards and upwards. I feel like I'm stripping myself back to nothing again and that I better be the best damn mom and wife and part time student the world has ever seen- why else would I deserve the luxury of voluntary unemployment?

I'm also wanting guidance. I've been conditioned to follow rules, a path, a plan and right now I can't seem to find one for the life of me. I've been pretending to be my grandma the last couple days hence the no make up FB post. I know it sounds weird but I thought maybe if I simplify things I could be happy. So I've put down my phone probably 50% more than usual, I made sure there was not a dish in the sink (immediately following dinner instead of after watching a show), I've been wearing my glasses and going sans earrings. I know it's strange but I'm grasping for the calm and PEACE she exudes. I just want to feel whole. I want to love myself and know that I am enough- but how? I'll gladly take suggestions.