Now you know my secret

Dianne Slade commented on one of my posts and took the idea of not judging others to the next level, she said "What ever happened to hoping another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

I was AMAZED in fourth grade when my best friend and I tested to be on the academic decathalon team together, I made it and she didn't. She was disappointed as any 10-year-old would be but she decided to quickly, sincerely congradulate me. What an awesome example of a true friend. I always wanted to be smarter, prettier, better, and have more friends then anyone else. What an awful character flaw.

I love watching Dancing with the Stars, the Superbowl, the Olympics-basically any sporting event. I'm not an athlete. But when it comes to the performing arts, especially theatre I want to choose my role (usually the female lead). The theatrical culture is filled with competition and it's not in the least bit concealed. It is a thick almost tangible tension. Competition can bring thespians to endure late night rehearsals, wear painful costumes, and make themselves purposely look hideous on stage. I was privileged to have a drama teacher that helped me stretch and grow my talents and unknowingly (maybe) feed my ego. On the flip side, I remember coming to an audition unprepared and being called out on it. I was embarrassed but told anyone who wasn't there I didn't get a role because there wasn't one that I fit into. Wow. I ended up being the costume mistress.

Why is it so important to win? Why do I feel the need to push others down?

Just the other day I was at the park with Louie and I positioned her in the swing so that she wasn't blinded by the sun, something that was pointed out to me by a friendly, seasoned mom many years before. Next to us a grandma pushed a toddler who she unthoughtfully had placed with an intense glare blinding him. I didn't approve of this woman's decision but I didn't exercise the compassion to let her in on my little trick. He wasn't giving a belly laugh like most kids his age he just whined until she akwardly and visibly irritated took him out of the "baby" swing. I felt some satisfaction that I seemingly knew more about having a kid than my senior. Disgusting really, what a trait to carry, to consciously feed. Why did that make me feel good? Dr. Phil says, "We don't continue to do anything that doesn't give us something in return."

What is it pride? Competition? Should I call it jealousy? That is a more appropriate term as defined by Roget's Thesaurus (now you know my seceret). "Jealously denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one [thinks they] more rightfully deserve: to feel jealousy when a coworker recieves a promotion." That is the ugly truth. I'd rather call myself competetive.

This brings us to the part where I enlighten you with the resolve of how to heal this beast. The only thing I can come up with is to emulate someone who has a good soul. I just so happen to live in close proximity to one such person. She never complains, always welcomes my children into her home, exudes patience, is adorable with her husband and yet is real. She makes you feel good in her presence. She is inspiring and I can't imagine she has any of the aforementioned blemishes on her conscience. So I frequently ask myself, "What would Heather do?". (Similar, but not quite the same as, what would a nanny do?) If you don't have the wisdom, look to someone who does. They may have other demons but if what you see is what you want to be, mimic them. Study them. It is said if you want to be rich, hang out with rich people. Spend time with intelligent people if you desire more knowledge. Place yourself with people who are better than you, that should put you in your rightful place, a humble pupil of favorable character.