The past few days, hours really, I've had some deep discussion with a close friend. As I shared the contents of my blog, my soul, I was reminded that I am many things. I am much more than a ragged mom. I am a writer, a lover, a mother, a dancer, an actress, a singer, a worker, a listener, a funny person, a brilliant thinker, a DOER-the last of which makes all the others happen. When I want to do something, nothing can stand in my way. I am a strong woman. Motherhood will not break me.
We are all born with a unique combination of natural gifts. Some of our gifts work directly in our personal lives and families. Some I believe we were given to have affect on the greater of society to "make a difference in the world". The latter set of skills is what we must never let go of even when our focus is inward on our children for a time. When we forget what we are capable of, our God given strengths, we loose ourselves. We must fortify ourselves by indulging our spirits with continual growth. We must do things that make us proud and things that bring us satisfaction with the lives we are living or are seemingly trapped in.
One of the things that brings me so much guilt is the selfishness I possess and choose to spread like -a suffocating layer of butter. But as I have taken a step back, and ironically focused on me, I have found I also have been endowed with love and kindness. I had to find how to pull it out of myself. I had to find a way to want to share it with my family- the ones who will have deep rooted memories of how I treated them. How did I want to be remembered? What would they write about me, what stories would they tell their children? I know that life isn't intended to be so grotesquely horrid. We aren't supposed to hate ourselves especially when we are giving our all. I have found peace in my heart as I have let go of some of the nitty gritty. When I can answer that what they are doing isn't really all that detrimental to their future, it shouldn't be devastating to my present.
As I've begun to rediscover myself and take inventory of what I believe in, who I want to be, where I will take my life, it has been magical. I have become alive again. I'm ready to face my fears and try new things and let go of some of the old. I reminded myself there are no "have tos". I don't have to volunteer for anything. I don't have to keep my house clean. I don't have to make my kids do their homework. I don't have to make dinner every night. I don't have to be what anyone else finds acceptable. I don't have to contribute to every discussion. I don't even need to shower or smell good.
All I need to do is be okay with myself, choose to take the high road, and try to make each day better than the last. That perseverance is nothing short of miraculous given the nonsense life hands us. I have uncovered my past love for writing. I can't seem to contain myself. There was literally a part of my brain that had become dormant, had fallen asleep. No wonder I was constantly unmotivated and facing boredom despite all the stuff I thought I had to accomplish every single day. So go find yourself, if you don't have a past passion search out a new one. So what if it doesn't stick, embrace the fondness of whatever it is, if only for a moment. Learning is enlivening and what we all need to get through the mundane. Dive in, I'm excited for you.
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